Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

Funny enough, my husbands last name rhymes exactly with the OP!

When we got married there was never a question I’d take his name- it was either we both changed to a new joint name or neither of us did.
We decided to just keep our own names.

Now expecting number one and were going to double barrel with my name last to soften the hard ‘cock’ sound good n the end, but eventually decided to not lumber our child and they are having just my last name.
Husband doesn’t feel the need to change his name to have a ‘family’ name, though he is open might tack my last name on the end in future.
My husband read the OP and said to talk to him about whether you both keep your own or change to a new one.
And yes my husband got called cock related names at school which as a rather shy and reserved fellow didn’t really suit him.

Both my maiden name and married name allude to a certain part of the male body

I long to be a simple smith or jones

I married relatively young and was happy to change my name because DH's family name was nice, and my name was unusual (not funny though) and I always had to spell/explain it. I've now had DH's surname for almost as long as I had mine, and I know that if I had that time over, I wouldn't change my name again. I like my (changed) name, but with the perspective of time, I appreciate the unusual surname I gave up, which was part of my identity. Our children all have my surname as a middle name (as does my DH), but after 23 years I still think of myself as my maiden name. Don't change. And definitely not to a name you wouldn't like as part of your identity. Why on earth would you? And why on earth would he expect you to? That decision is yours alone (my DH would have been more than happy either way).

@LyricalBlowToTheJaw

And yet, many are very hurt by the idea that their wives would be so non-traditional as to keep their own surnames. It almost sounds like a lot of men are only happy to jettison tradition when it benefits them.

Bingo. See also, men who are happy to have a sexual relationship, cohabit and children with a woman without being married to her, but as soon as the woman wants to discuss the issue of marriage they're all of a sudden total traditionalists about proposals and use that as a control mechanism. Tradition isn't so important when it comes to them getting their dicks wet.

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

I mean, I agree.

You have to have this conversation!

I had the same sort of issue in that DH had an embarrassing surname (rhymes with "phone") and as a teacher (at the time in a boys' school, no less) there was no fucking way that was happening, even with a double barrel.

Fortunately my husband pretty much wanted an excuse to change it anyway, as it wasn't just a bit of a cringefest, but also the only remaining link to his good for nothing father (who pissed off for good when he was a small baby), so we both took his mum's lovely maiden name instead, as she was the one who raised him.

@HaveringWavering

Yes, I work with people called Adcock and Willcock and it has genuinely never occurred to me to snigger at those names.

(By the way, to the poster who mentioned that the knew someone called Cockburn “apparently” pronounced Coburn, suggesting the person was trying to create a new pronounciation to avoid being ridiculed- there is no “apparently” about it. That is how it is said. Many many Scottish people with that name and every teen in Edinburgh knows Cockburn Street pronounced Coburn street).

It’s always pronounced Coburn in Ireland.

@FrauleinF

You have to have this conversation!

I had the same sort of issue in that DH had an embarrassing surname (rhymes with "phone") and as a teacher (at the time in a boys' school, no less) there was no fucking way that was happening, even with a double barrel.

Fortunately my husband pretty much wanted an excuse to change it anyway, as it wasn't just a bit of a cringefest, but also the only remaining link to his good for nothing father (who pissed off for good when he was a small baby), so we both took his mum's lovely maiden name instead, as she was the one who raised him.

What was wrong with your name?

This. I'm quite happy to share DH's surname and have never have a problem being addressed as Mrs Grass + Hubby'sName, but get really pissed off with Mrs DH + Hubby'sName! I believe the former is technically still the "correct etiquette" for widows, which seems crazily antiquated! hmm

I believe that technically the 'correct etiquette' for addressing anyone is to address them by the name they choose to call themselves.

Change it, the Royal family did, to suit changing circumstances.

Keep your surname, I wouldn't want to be lumbered with a comical surname either.

Getting married and having children is proof enough you like his genetics, tell him so, I'm sure he will get over it.

His family don't need to get over it, not their decision.