Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

Not a chance in hell I would take on a stupid surname. Plenty of surnames should have been allowed to die out and it would be cold day in hell before I'd be pressurised to giving my kids an embarrassing surname like Titley, Hoare or Smellie.

My DP has a horrendous surname that makes everyone laugh. I guarantee it's worse! When we got together it was a shock how he used to get laughed at at passport control and other situations. I don't know how he puts up with it TBH.

We're engaged and I'm definitely keeping my boring surname - I have a slight get out in that it makes sense to keep it career wise. You are under no obligation to take his name!

A good friend of mine was in the exact same situation. She kept her name and gave the children her surname. He kept his name. Everyone was happy. I can't see that keeping your surname and giving it to your children should be an issue.

But all those saying shrug, just keep your name... that's really not the problem. It's the kids thing.

Of course I wonder if the OP has had the "are we having children" discussion anyway. It could all be moot if they don't have any!!

I love my surname. My mums maiden name was awful and she couldn't wait to be rid of it. Ours is a bit more exotic, so I kept it. DD is my name dads name, DS's have mine and their dads. I now have both, husband uses a mix of his and mine his. The thing is, you need to be able to talk about it. Don't marry him if you can't.

A friend many years ago went from something like jones to sounds like Rosycrap, and regretted it forever after 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm honestly hoping that this doesn't sound harsh, but you really need to give yourself a talking to.

You should never, ever consider doing something as drastic and personal as changing your name just to please another set of people. The idea is ridiculous and shows a worrying lack of self respect. You need to think hard about how to assert yourself better, because you don't want to spend your whole life in service to other people's opinions.

I point blank refuse to change my name, my kids have my name because as their mother I did 99.99% of the hard work to bring them into existence. I did not even entertain the possibility of other options.

I get passive aggressive cards and presents addressed to Mr & Mrs Hisname and DCName Hisname and I ignore it, and get on with my day. They're too chicken to argue with me about it, and if they did I would tell them it's none of their business.

@Skeumorph

But all those saying shrug, just keep your name... that's really not the problem. It's the kids thing.

No, it isn't. The only reason children have traditionally been given their father's name in so many patriarchal cultures is because their mother has also taken it on marriage. If the OP as she should keeps her birth name, then there's no particular reason for the children to have his surname rather than hers. Our DS has both our names, but I know plenty of children who have their mother's surname.

[quote sweetsinger]@Topseyt yes he was teased - thank you, I will definitely use this as part of my argument, as well as identity etc.

@NiceGerbil yes I am leaning towards that - using the reasons of identity and work is helpful. Even though double-barrelled would still sound rubbish I'm thinking any kids we have could always drop the 'Meacock' bit once they reach an appropriate age.[/quote]
Creating a name the kids can change is a good compromise.

But honestly, I’m really surprised this is still an issue for someone your age - I’ve been married nearly 30 years and kept my own name. In-laws and my own DPs were a bit about it, and even DH was a bit miffed tbh, but I pretty much told them to poke it I’m afraid. I didn’t view myself as chattel being passed from one man’s care to another, and wasn’t prepared to just give up my identity. But it wasn’t particularly unusual even back then, especially professionally, for women to keep their own names.

I have, however, endured decades of birthday cards from relatives on both sides being addressed to ‘Mrs DH Name’, though I don’t bother to rise to the bait

@RubyTuesday70

I deeply regret changing my surname, as I'd always loved it.... it was quite unusual. DH had changed his surname by deed poll to that of his stepdad's after his mum had passed away, only when he met me, his stepdad decided that he had no interest in him anymore and we lost contact (he was a very odd man). We later resumed contact with DH's father, and he was heartbroken that we (our DC included) all had another name......... and now we're landed with a surname of a family we've got no connection to. It's also a bit of am awkward name that no one ever bloody hears or spells correctly......... we get some howlers in the post. The postman actually stopped to ask what our real surname was one day

You can always change it back.

I think the surname is less of an issue than the OP being anxious about how her husband/his family might respond to her raising the issue.

I would always keep my own name by default- it's my name! I have a long difficult foreign surname but would still never change it. It's part of my identity.

Personally I think if he is ok with his surname and hadn't thought of changing it, you should respect that. Really a bit of embarrassment is soon got over. As for bullying - children will find anything to bully others over if they are going to but confident secure children will handle that.

Don't take his name if you don't want to, but let your children have his or both your names. Possibly his could come first and not be hyphened so it's more like a middle name if you still care this much once any potential child is born. (I suspect you won't)

I know loads of people with odd surnames and a family who have the surname I suspect your bf does. They are not embarrassed by it in the least. It's just a name.

I have a pretty standard surname for where I'm from and dh has a really lovely one. I didn't change my name when we first married, then we had dc and we travelled a lot so I changed my name so we all had the same family surname. Only it didn't really stick for me in work. I had an established career and despite me using the family name and reminding people I would still be referred to or introduced by my maiden name.

I then started using both interchangeably depending on where I was but I got sick of that so next passport renewal I reverted back and it was a major pain in the ass to do!

Dc still have dh's lovely name though and I love that.

My mother literally can't get her head around it all and since the day we married has addressed all post to Mr & Mrs XXX

My fiance had a horrible surname so we chose a new one that we both liked and he changed his name by deedpoll.

Ad for using Mr and Mrs Surname, I have that up decades ago. I use first names plus surnames or 'the surname family '. Course the bank for our joint account doesn't but they do put both our initials at least. (I did take DH's surname as I didn't much like mine, not because it was embarrassing but for other reasons. But it does suggest a country of origin that I have rarely visited - nor has DH though. )

I get that you don't want to offend, and if he is quite traditional, then it IS tradition that usually the woman takes the mans name when they get married. So I understand the dilema.

Haven't read the all of the replies so sorry if this has been suggested already. To avoid causing the possible offence at saying you don't like the name, a shot in the dark might be if you by any chance are an only child or only have sisters therefore no one to carry on YOUR family name? And hopefully he has a brother who would carry on THEIR familly name?
You could put it to him that as he has a bother to carry on the familly name and yours will die out if you change yours, its really really important to you to keep yours going and would he consider changing his to yours because of this?

His family may still not like it that much, but at least you are not saying you hate their name. of course if you have a brother you don't have an argument on that one!

Start a conversation with him about it. He must know it is a rubbish name, I can’t believe no one ever told him that at school!

Options are:

• you and children take his name and regret it for decades.
• you keep your name but children have his (this sucks emotionally and can cause admin hassle especially at airports).
• he takes your name (if he’s traditional this ain’t gonna happen).
• you and children have your name but be doesn’t.
• you all create a new name that you all share (mg fave option). It doesn’t have to be Richards Meacock -> Richcock, it could be an anagram using some or all of the letters.

Does he have a normal middle name that you could all use instead?? Like James?

Keep your name.

Any children you might have double barrel as your surname his surname.

Then just drop the last part of it (ie his surname) for common usage - thin5g like registering for school etc if he's traditional it'll be you doing this anyway (Well unless he is so traditional intends his sons to got to his school!)

Good grief, why do the English persist with this misogynstic outdated crap of women leaving their family and becoming part of the husband's family = origins of the need to change the surname.
It should have been stopped when dowries were stopped.
Keep your own name, or change it to any name you like by depoll, just don't continue the name-changing wife-as-property tradition of changing your own life-long family surname.
For your DC, well, they could have your surname, your DH's surname or a double-barrelled surname - bring your DH into the year 2021 and make a joint decision.

Have you ever actually spoken to him about his name? Does he like it?

I had a horrible surname - thankfully nothing with cock in it, but it was ugly sounding and very long and I was always embarrassed to have to say it. I was delighted to be able to ditch it when I married DH, who has a really boring, normal surname. I couldn't give a shit about passing down my parent's name, and what I call myself and my children has fuck all to do with anyone besides me and my DH. You may find your fiance could be glad to get rid of his name!

Keep your name, and give it to your children. It's a fucking ball-ache to change it when you get married, doubly so if you get divorced.

It's also patriarchal bullshit and indicates that you are now his property - it's one 'tradition' that we should have set fire to a long time ago.

Give it your children because it'll be less hassle if you travel with them alone - which I'd hazard to suggest will be more likely than him travelling alone with them...

You don't have to offend him by saying "your name is shit and I don't want it", you can just say "I want to keep my name because it's who I am, and also we can dodge the admin".

You can always double-barrel your kids surname with his name first and yours second and they can drop the first half of it if they hate it down the line.

Also husbands to be to be who get their nuts in a knot about this? Massive red flag, IMHO.

@Bookworm20

I get that you don't want to offend, and if he is quite traditional, then it IS tradition that usually the woman takes the mans name when they get married. So I understand the dilema.

Haven't read the all of the replies so sorry if this has been suggested already. To avoid causing the possible offence at saying you don't like the name, a shot in the dark might be if you by any chance are an only child or only have sisters therefore no one to carry on YOUR family name? And hopefully he has a brother who would carry on THEIR familly name?
You could put it to him that as he has a bother to carry on the familly name and yours will die out if you change yours, its really really important to you to keep yours going and would he consider changing his to yours because of this?

His family may still not like it that much, but at least you are not saying you hate their name. of course if you have a brother you don't have an argument on that one!

Say anything to save that fragile male ego, eh?

The tradition is rooted in misogyny.

It’s actually traditional for babies to be given their mother’s name. Which of course the patriarchy managed with this shitshow.

Your choice completely - I took my husband's last name because it both me that other people would laugh at it! It's really not been an issue at all though.

I got married over 25 years ago and too be honest never considered keeping my own. Would I now? I really don't know.

The occasional person had said to me 'you really must love him to take that name' but I've no problems with it!

*but it bothered me that other people would laugh at it!