Page 15 | Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

Dacquoise · 05/11/2021 13:51

Everytime

RedToothBrush · 05/11/2021 13:58

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
I'm not sure I've ever hear people question why Yvette Cooper didn't take her husband's name nor question whether they were really married or not.

Mainly cos as soon as you know who her husband is, its fairly fucking obvious why she might go agains the grain and not take her husbands name.

I don't think its because she's a misandrist. Its because she'd end up ridiculed for having a fucking stupid name!

GrasssInPocket · 05/11/2021 14:03

@Dacquoise

Meant to add to my post that myself and my brother were teased at school about our surname, my sister who is five years younger didn't suffer any teasing for the surname so it's not always inevitable.

I have more of an issue with my current surname being misspelt numerous ways everything I am required to say to it! I am thinking of changing it to Z, just Z. How many ways can other people get that wrong?!?

Would that be pronounced Zed, or Zee?

BrunoJenkins · 05/11/2021 14:10

[quote sweetsinger]@MrsCardone I actually heard of a couple who didn't like their own surnames so created a new one for themselves when they got married! I floated the idea past DF and he just thought it was strange...[/quote]
DH and I did this. Some people thought it was strange but we didn't care!

whycantwegoonasthree · 05/11/2021 14:20

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
I can't quite decide if this is hilariously terrifying or terrifyingly hilarious.

The internalised misogyny and patriarchal assumptions in this reply is definitely shocking and not at all funny.

And some of us, myself included, don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks - it's usually wrong anyway, and it definitely has no bearing on what actually is. So I definitely wouldn't care, and who are you to decide who will or won't care about something?

Hopefully the OP has a bit more self worth and confidence than is being demonstrated in this reply.

ExceptionalAssurance · 05/11/2021 14:36

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Lmfao top trolling.

Dacquoise · 05/11/2021 15:12

@GrasssInPocket, Zed as UK based. Worry about Zee if I go to America!

ZoeCM · 05/11/2021 15:20

@MrsCardone

Oh, and it's OK to change your mind. We gave our DS my DH's surname and I kept mine. But I got so sick of my spiteful in-laws sending cards addressed to 'Mr & Master Smith and Ms Jones', followed by 'Dear DH & DS and DIL' inside, that we double barreled his surname.

The in-laws were FUMING. But I'm glad we did it.

I don't see what your in-laws did wrong here? It sounds as though they respected the fact that you have different surnames. It doesn't sound spiteful at all. Surely it would have been more disrespectful to just address you as "The Smith Family" when one of you is a Jones?

GoldenBlue · 05/11/2021 15:36

Kids doubled barrelled but with his name registered as a middle name so they can use or not use as they see fit?

ArabellaScott · 05/11/2021 15:50

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Wow. Haven't heard nonsense like this in quite some time.

SunshineCake1 · 05/11/2021 16:15

I don't get why a woman who feels so strongly she won't change her name to her husbands embarrassing one is fine with letting her child take it and then get all the crappy comments.

I chose to take dh name, even though it causes me spelling issues, because I and my fathers name who was not a father to me.

JulesJules · 05/11/2021 16:28

You really don't need to change your name, or explain to anyone why you haven't. You already have a name, you can just keep that one.

I did not change my name when I got married (28 years ago) and it has caused zero problems - in fact it's easier as you don't have to inform hundreds of people and get new bank cards etc. H briefly considered changing his name to mine, but didn't as he thought his family would be upset.

Our children have my surname with H's surname as a second middle name. They would not have worked double barrelled.

JulesJules · 05/11/2021 16:33

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Lolololol. This is HILARIOUS. Did little dandelion waft in from the 18th century?

Snowinsummer · 05/11/2021 17:26

Either keep your own surname & the children will have yours or choose a new one which you all will use. Do not take his, think of all the stress the children will suffer from their classmates.

Derrymum123 · 05/11/2021 17:36

Keep your own name. I did, for a similar reason. (mine sounds nicer) He refers to me as Mrs B occasionally. However, I don't associate myself with it. I am still Ms (my name) and, in my head, always will be. Don't lumber yourself with a name you don't like. It could be many years yours.

s285 · 05/11/2021 17:40

My aunt had this dilemma her fiancé was Alcock so he and her changed there name to his mother's maiden name

CoronaPeroni · 05/11/2021 17:51

But why choose his mother's maiden name when the bride has a perfectly good one of her own? Bizarre

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2021 17:55

Indeed

TatianaBis · 05/11/2021 18:05

@CoronaPeroni

But why choose his mother's maiden name when the bride has a perfectly good one of her own? Bizarre

It’s not technically her own, it’s her fathers, grandfathers etc.

Even if her mother kept her unmarried name that still came from her father.

Women can’t avoid patrilineal surnames, unless they invent a new name.

lovingnewme · 05/11/2021 18:05

If you can't discuss this with him like two sensible, caring, loving grow-ups then you really shouldn't be getting married IMHO.

SunshineCake1 · 05/11/2021 18:11

@FionaCorkesWardrobebyKamizole

Keep your surname, and let any future DC have your name too. My ex-DH had an awful surname, but I could use the excuse that I needed to keep my surname for work, which he didn't mind. Unfortunately I agreed that the DC could take his name, and now we have different surnames, and they are teased at school. Plus I have the trouble every time I take them abroad that we get pulled over and asked for proof that I am their parent due to the different surnames. Ex MIL still sends me cheques (which I can't cash) and cards in her family name, I just say thank you and bin them.

Yet if you took the cheques and your marriage certificate to the bank they could be cashed..

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2021 18:13

@alexdgr8

i am quite surprised that women these days even think of giving up their names. can you not see it is a sign of subjugation. when i was young, i would have thought by now that only some older women would still bind themselves like this. i find it quite sad. are you not an equal individual. why have your identity disappear.

I loathed my surname so was quite happy to take my husband's.

We all have a choice and that was mine.

And I'm neither bound nor subjugated.

SunshineCake1 · 05/11/2021 18:21

@RubyTuesday70

I deeply regret changing my surname, as I'd always loved it.... it was quite unusual. DH had changed his surname by deed poll to that of his stepdad's after his mum had passed away, only when he met me, his stepdad decided that he had no interest in him anymore and we lost contact (he was a very odd man). We later resumed contact with DH's father, and he was heartbroken that we (our DC included) all had another name......... and now we're landed with a surname of a family we've got no connection to. It's also a bit of am awkward name that no one ever bloody hears or spells correctly......... we get some howlers in the post. The postman actually stopped to ask what our real surname was one day

You could all change again..

EarthSight · 05/11/2021 18:22

@sweetsinger

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

I don't like it
If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

I think this is about more than his name.

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

So he's 'traditional' (a.k.a patriarchal, dominant, sexist), but you aren't as much.......so why does he get the right to have his own way, if this is something that's important to him.

The reason why he won't take your name, obviously, is because there is still an expectation for women to be submissive, obedient and to shed their old name to be absorbed into the husband's family and identity.

For the decades of change that women have experienced, you can see what people's real attitudes towards women are by asking them about this topic. Women keeping their own names isn't enough. The very fact that a woman stands defiant and refuses this gesture of male dominance won't be seen as a neutral thing. Instead of being in the middle, she is often seen as difficult or even dominant....and heaven forbid that because it puts the man in a position of shame as he's the one who's supposed to be dominant.

Don't change your name if you don't want to and you are right not to want to pass it on to your children if it's likely to cause ridicule.

PorridgeGoneWrong · 05/11/2021 18:28

My sister had this dilemma. Her husband had a name that was a synonym of an insult. He didn't like it much either.

She was pretty stubborn & also a feminist. She kept her name and also gave hers it to the kids (and 'matching' first names as it was a non UK name) and never told the inlaws a word. They were elderly and died a few years after the kids were born and were none the wiser.

She's now divorced! So I think a big hoo ha for nothing over "family names".

There are many countries (Greece, Italy, Netherlands, Belgium, Malaysia, Korea, Spain, Chile...) where women keep their maiden name after they get married and it's completely normal.