Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

@LuluJakey1

My grandma's family name was Cockburn. It was pronounced Coburn and I didn't realise until I started doing family history research that it was spelled Cockburn. Any chance of altering the pronunciation- most people will never see it written down?

😂 Have you ever seen keeping up appearances?😂

I mean this strategy worked a treat for Mrs Bucket (pronounced Bouquet) didn't it?

I actually think it is perfectly reasonable for the inspectors at the airport to try and verify who a child is, is they have any reason at all to think they might need to check. This about child protection, surely. They are not just trying to make things difficult. I am perfectly happy to carry a tiny piece of paper to make their job easier.

My sister had this problem. They decided to use his mother's maiden name instead.

@RubyTuesday70

I deeply regret changing my surname, as I'd always loved it.... it was quite unusual. DH had changed his surname by deed poll to that of his stepdad's after his mum had passed away, only when he met me, his stepdad decided that he had no interest in him anymore and we lost contact (he was a very odd man). We later resumed contact with DH's father, and he was heartbroken that we (our DC included) all had another name......... and now we're landed with a surname of a family we've got no connection to. It's also a bit of am awkward name that no one ever bloody hears or spells correctly......... we get some howlers in the post. The postman actually stopped to ask what our real surname was one day

Why on earth did you take your DH's (stepdad's) name when you got married?

Why not change everyone's name to your own surname?

@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.

@TirednWorried

Keeping your name is easy. The problem is going to arise when children arrive.If they dont share your DHs name people will assume he isntt the father

That’s a very good point-hadn’t thought of that.

keeping your own name is misandry now?!

good little handmaiden!

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

Therapy is something you might want to look into.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
I can only imagine you’re an angry out of touch person.

I know LOTS of women who have kept their own names. I know LOTS of women who have taken their husband’s names, and I know ONE man who has taken his wife’s name.

The opinion of randomers doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. As long as a couple are happy, that’s all that matters.

Marriage is about two people joining forces. It’s not about changing names, or “using a man for his money” or whatever other ridiculous things you said. It’s about being recognised by the law that you have rights to act as next of kin in emergencies, you can pool resources, etc etc. On a less practical level, it’s about loving eachother and celebrating your love forever.

It’s got fuck all to do with names

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

OR couples get married to BOTH have legal protection because in a healthy relationship, if both parties want to get married, they view themselves as an equal team deserving of equal rights and protections.

It says everything about your view of women that you automatically assume the legal rights of marriage only work in their favour, a man always earns more, a woman will always be the one to take a career hit or not work etc etc.

'Getting your hands on what he owns' is so outdated a turn of phrase it's embarrassing!

And how self absorbed to think that your neighbours / colleagues give a shit if you're married or not. Where do you live, 1950?!

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
I brought more into the marriage than DH. We earn similarly now but for a long time I earned more. So presumably I should have forced him to take my name?!

The legal rights include inheritance tax benefits and being next of kin. Not just a legal split of all assets.

We were the same. My husband had a very unusual and rather funny name. When we married he took my name. It's no biggie.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Why do you think men’s feelings are more important than women’s? If men want the same surname as their kids who have the mother’s name, they can take their wife’s name, can’t they? Women have been expected to do that without question for decades so why shouldn’t men? Also enough with your bollocks about ‘getting your hands on what he owns’, you do know women can work these days and even out-earn their husbands? Shocking, I know! I reckon you’re probably the type though who thinks women shouldn’t bother to have kids if they won’t stay home to raise them, while simultaneously thinking they’re sponging off a man. Also, really, people don’t give a fuck if women keep their names. My friend told me she’s marrying her boyfriend the other day and immediately after telling an assembled group of us, added, I’m not changing my name though, fuck that! Nobody cared.

Just pity a customer I had years ago whose surname was Ankers. I had no idea what possessed them to call her Wendy. She always used to write her name out in full!

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc...

As an aside, there’s a very good chance that I’m wealthier than anyone I’ll every marry. So I suppose in your opinion, when my DP and I get married, he’ll be “using me to get his hands on what I own”?

What a sad way to think. I feel sorry for you.

@DidgeDoolittle

My sister had this problem. They decided to use his mother's maiden name instead.

Was just going to say the same. They both took his mother's maiden name. Works well all round as its a new name for all of you but a family link.

But if one woman’s family name is valid for a man to take on, why isn’t the name of one of the people actually in the marriage equally or more valid?

@Subbaxeo

Just pity a customer I had years ago whose surname was Ankers. I had no idea what possessed them to call her Wendy. She always used to write her name out in full!

🤣🤣🤣🤣😆

You need to think carefully about how your relationship works.

You've known what his surname is for a long time but you haven't said anything about it.

You need to think seriously about your fear of hurting feelings. It's not an ideal way to proceed in a relationship unless you are prepared to spend the rest of your life sucking things up.

Absolutely agree with Krakenchorus

My first husband had an embarrassing surname (Tubby) so I kept my own name when we married and, to save our children from the inevitable teasing the children all had my name too. It's never been a problem luckily. He was badly teased as a child and certainly didn't want that for his children so the decision was actually his.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Also, if you don't want to take his surname, and don't want your kids to have it, why bother getting married?

Um, maybe because of the legal protections of being married?

Do you think people choose to get married just to have the other person's name?! That that's the reason they do it, so if they don't do it there's no point getting married?! What a bizarre way of thinking. And sad to be honest.

God. Why on earth did I get married?

Maybe because I love my husband.
Maybe I don't give two shits what anyone else thinks about that or whether they think I'm married or not.
Maybe because it was a vow I made to my husband, and not anyone else.
Maybe because I just wanted to.

And I even did it without inviting family and friends to watch the spectacle because it wasn't about them.

Shoot me.

Why are you so obsessed by complying with what you think other people and society think you should do, rather than what you and your husband want to do and is perfectly legal and doesn't effect anyone else in practice.

If you are putting the hurty feelings of your inlaws first in terms of how they want to carry on the family name rather than your own feelings and concerns about how it will affect your children, there's some screwed up priorities going on there.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Wtf you are deranged 🤣

Meant to add to my post that myself and my brother were teased at school about our surname, my sister who is five years younger didn't suffer any teasing for the surname so it's not always inevitable.

I have more of an issue with my current surname being misspelt numerous ways everything I am required to say to it! I am thinking of changing it to Z, just Z. How many ways can other people get that wrong?!?

Why on earth did you take your DH's (stepdad's) name when you got married?

Why not change everyone's name to your own surname?

My guess is that the DH had probably found it quite a pain in the ass changing his name by deed poll once, and didn’t want to do it again, since it is so unusual to change your name on marriage that people would have remarked in it, perhaps he had a professional reputation in that name. Society is fairly used to women changing their surnames, people get very confused about men doing it. And if the first change was as an adult people might start to think he was a bit flaky, name-wise.

Out of interest, as a married woman it’s very easy to change your name officially- most organisations just accept a copy of your marriage certificate. I don’t know if it’s the same for a man taking his wife’s name, or whether it has to be done by deed poll.