Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

@whycantwegoonasthree

Keep your name, and give it to your children. It's a fucking ball-ache to change it when you get married, doubly so if you get divorced.

It's also patriarchal bullshit and indicates that you are now his property - it's one 'tradition' that we should have set fire to a long time ago.

Give it your children because it'll be less hassle if you travel with them alone - which I'd hazard to suggest will be more likely than him travelling alone with them...

You don't have to offend him by saying "your name is shit and I don't want it", you can just say "I want to keep my name because it's who I am, and also we can dodge the admin".

You can always double-barrel your kids surname with his name first and yours second and they can drop the first half of it if they hate it down the line.

Also husbands to be to be who get their nuts in a knot about this? Massive red flag, IMHO.

Travelled all over the planet with DD since she was 4 months old. Never a moment’s hassle (my name is her middle name).

You keep your surname. And discuss with him what to do about a surname for DC when they come along. Ime life is way easier if you all have the same surname. I kept my name until DC and then ended up changing it as I got called Mrs DC's-Surname anyway. So if you hate being Mrs Reddick or whatever it is, then at some stage have a conversation with DH about it and ask if he was ever teased about it and suggest a blended surname.

I have been asked at airports (only in the UK) to prove my relationship to DS (he does have DH's surname, it's an easier name to spell than mine and it also means he has the same name as his sisters). I just keep a copy of his birth certificate in my passport holder...

@secretbookcase

You keep your surname. And discuss with him what to do about a surname for DC when they come along. Ime life is way easier if you all have the same surname. I kept my name until DC and then ended up changing it as I got called Mrs DC's-Surname anyway. So if you hate being Mrs Reddick or whatever it is, then at some stage have a conversation with DH about it and ask if he was ever teased about it and suggest a blended surname.

It’s extremely easy to stop people calling you by a name that isn’t yours that doesn’t involve changing your identity.

I recently got married, and I think my husband would have quite liked me to change my name to his. I had my reasons not to want to (too outing to share here!) but I told him and he was completely understanding and never ever pushed it. Just as you don't want to hurt his feelings, if he's a good egg he should be respectful of yours. It is 2021 after all! Its perfectly legitimate to want to keep your name because of work, or because you don't like the politics of name changing, or just because its always been your name and you're used to it and you like it! It's not a judgement on him or his family. As you suggested, you could always double barrel your kids' names, then they can choose for themselves in the future. The way your treat each other and feel about each other are what matter in a marriage, not what you sign your names as.

You need to speak to him. Easiest is you and kids have your name.
Was he bullied it bothered about name? He’s lived with it. I wonder if there are some positives like it’s an icebreaker or in a sea of James he stands out and people knew who he was due to surname.

Despite all the woke and feminist words people are writing on here, the fact is that virtually everyone will think it extremely odd if the children have the mother's surname if their parents are married.

People can bang on about misogyny and the patriarchy until they're blue in the face, but yes, even in 2021, many MANY people - of various generations, young and old - are going to think it odd that the children have the mother's surname.

Most people will not only think that the children are not your husband's, but they will also think you are not married. That is a fact

If you are OK with that, then crack on. I know I would not be OK with it, and neither would any woman I know. Also, if you don't want to take his surname, and don't want your kids to have it, why bother getting married?

People bang on about why should his wishes trump yours, but similarly, why should your wishes trump his? And as has been said, you have to think of our children either, and how awkward things will be for them. (Yeah I know 'won't someone think of the children....! )

People can poo-poo my views and call them outdated, and even accuse me of internalised misogyny. But I can assure that a lot more people will have the same views as me, than not. I mean in real life. And let's face it, mumsnet is NOT real life for most people.

As long as your first name isn't 'Give' I don't see how Meacock is a bad name.

We had 2 teachers called Peacock (1 letter difference from your example) when in school and no one ever thought twice about it.

I do know several Richards who got teased by being called Dick though so in your example the second surname is no better than the first.

Don't change your name if you don't want to, I do think it's out of line though to insist your future kids cant have his name though as they are equally his kids and it controlling, just as if he demanded you had no say in it and they couldn't have your name.

It's obviously done him and his family no real harm and they are the ones experienced in living with it.

No, it isn't. The only reason children have traditionally been given their father's name in so many patriarchal cultures is because their mother has also taken it on marriage. If the OP as she should keeps her birth name, then there's no particular reason for the children to have his surname rather than hers. Our DS has both our names, but I know plenty of children who have their mother's surname.

@Verfremdungseffekt sorry that's not quite what I was getting at. What I meant was, it's probably fairly easy for OP to say, I'll keep my name without causing massive offence and even if his parents didn't like it, it's a common thing to happen now. But the kids thing is, I think, will be where he would REALLY dig his heels in because quite justifiably he would want, as much as OP, to share a name with them. And if they get married, he has just as much legal right as OP to argue the toss - he could even get in there and register them first and it would be legal! So that's where I think the argument really is. Of course you're right, there's no more reason for them to have his name rather than hers, but that's where the battleground will be, I think.

If they weren't planning to marry, not a problem! The decision would indeed be hers. As soon as they are married it's different.

I took my now ex husbands surname, I wasn't embarrassed by it but I did hate it, it wasn't me. Although my surname is common, his surname was common as mud and I just felt like it didn't suit me, it never rolled if the tongue easily.

Best thing about our divorce was disposing of that surname and going back to my maiden name, honestly, there is no way I would take a surname again that I didn't like, let alone be embarrassed of.

In terms of children together, I am afraid if I was embarrassed of their surname, there is no way, I would give my kids the surname. Rightly or wrongly, it's upto the mother what name goes on the birth certificate, so I am afraid, hubby would be told that I find the name embarrassing which is why the only way they will share his name is if he changes his own!

Despite all the woke and feminist words people are writing on here, the fact is that virtually everyone will think it extremely odd if the children have the mother's surname if their parents are married.

Who give's a fiddler's?

Stop being such a little wimp worrying about what the neighbours will say (how awful!) and grow a backbone.

@NoReason

Keep your surname and give any children you have your surname.

Unless ‘traditional’ means controlling, it won’t be an issue. And it has nothing to do with his family.

This

If you are OK with that, then crack on. I know I would not be OK with it, and neither would any woman I know. Also, if you don't want to take his surname, and don't want your kids to have it, why bother getting married?

So what you're saying is you only got married so you could change your name? How tragic.

It's as though people have no idea that other marriage traditions exist.

So if you’re Miss Jones and your fiancé is Mr Biggadick, I would retain Jones as your surname and call your children Biggadick-Jones, so that they legally have his name but can easily drop it for everyday use, and just be Jones?

@theDudesmummy

I have been asked at airports (only in the UK) to prove my relationship to DS (he does have DH's surname, it's an easier name to spell than mine and it also means he has the same name as his sisters). I just keep a copy of his birth certificate in my passport holder...

I've never been asked and traveled abroad with my DS who has a different surname, good job too as my DS birth certificate doesn't match my ID (they got my name wrong, for example: it was supposed to be Hannah but they put Anna).

We were going to get it updated but with Covid its been a massive PITA, we did have an appointment (after months of waiting) but they sent us to the wrong office, and the records computers arent connected so they said we would have to book all over again and havent bothered yet because honestly it causes no issues.

@HoppingPavlova

I’ll also add I was more than happy to offend my in-laws with the same situation. DH was no issue, and in fact if I had of said I was Changi g my name I am betting he would have called it off as that would not have been the person he thought he was marrying, he doesn’t hold with changing names in marriage and would have likely assumed I was aligned. His parents though …….. When they looked shocked when they called me ‘Mrs their surname’ and I said ‘oh no, that’s not my name, it’s ‘my surname’’, and looked at them like they had a bolt loose, I couldn’t have given less of a flying fuck if you paid me.

The corker came with kids. I have an average surname. DH has an average surname. Why inflict this on children, even a double-barrel would have been a bore. So we used the letters from both of our surnames and came up with a great one. So, we all have different names - kids all have the same though. The kids couldn’t care less about having a different surname to ours and are very pleased we did what we did and gave them a great one they are proud of. It is important to them though that they all have the same surname as each other, to them that’s vital, but that’s just them. In-laws really lost it over that . Refused to be called grandma/grandpa etc. When kids were little we just said it was because sometimes older people were confused and funny but obviously as they got it bro their teens they realised it was because they were just fuckwits.

Hopping, this is exactly what we did, we are very pleased with it. I don't know why more people don't consider it (although we were lucky that our two single syllable names combined quite nicely and I know some names wouldn't work so well). Our children are along the lines of "Brownsmith" whilst we have kept Ms Smith and Mr Brown (not real names, obvs). We do sometimes refer to ourselves as "the Brownsmiths" collectively and occasionally consider changing our names to in that but can't be arsed.

If you’re planning on marrying this man, having children together, and spending the rest of your lives together, i don’t understand why you can’t just be honest.

Just say you can’t wait to marry him, but you’ve thought about it, and you’re not changing your name. If he asks why, say “I don’t want to be Sweetsinger Mycock. I’ve always been Sweetsinger Richards.”

If he pushes it, you can say you find the Cock bit slightly embarrassing, and whilst he might be used to it now, you’re not, and you don’t want it to be your surname.

Unless he’s a wanker, he will understand. My partner is lovely, and I think he always presumed I’d take his name when we get married. I’ve made it clear that’s not my plan, and he doesn’t have a problem with it.

Tradition around these things is a bollocks excuse. There’s no need to just go along with The Patriarchy, and give up your identity just in case it offends your DF or his family. He should now know better, and his family’s opinions on YOUR name shouldn’t matter.

Airports are weird when it comes to parents/children. DH and I are married so have the same surname, and DH’s son (from his first marriage) also has the same surname so we have never been challenged at an airport, I think everyone (wrongly) assumed I was DSS’s mum!

@LittleDandelionClock

Despite all the woke and feminist words people are writing on here, the fact is that virtually everyone will think it extremely odd if the children have the mother's surname if their parents are married.

People can bang on about misogyny and the patriarchy until they're blue in the face, but yes, even in 2021, many MANY people - of various generations, young and old - are going to think it odd that the children have the mother's surname.

Most people will not only think that the children are not your husband's, but they will also think you are not married. That is a fact

If you are OK with that, then crack on. I know I would not be OK with it, and neither would any woman I know. Also, if you don't want to take his surname, and don't want your kids to have it, why bother getting married?

People bang on about why should his wishes trump yours, but similarly, why should your wishes trump his? And as has been said, you have to think of our children either, and how awkward things will be for them. (Yeah I know 'won't someone think of the children....! )

People can poo-poo my views and call them outdated, and even accuse me of internalised misogyny. But I can assure that a lot more people will have the same views as me, than not. I mean in real life. And let's face it, mumsnet is NOT real life for most people.

This is such a wanky reply.

Who cares if the neighbours think you’re not married?? Who cares if randomers don’t understand who is who in the parenting stakes??

You also don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

I travel (well, I did!) quite a lot with just me and DS (where we go to on holiday DH drives to and me and DS fly, for various reasons). I have never been asked in other countries to prove who I am to DS, but it has happened several times on returning to the UK (with British passports).

The first time I thought the man was joking. DS looked the spitting image of me as a baby and I just said, look! He looks just like me! The man said "it's not for me to say who he looks like" but he did let me through in the end. Since then I just carry the birth certificate.

I grew up with a mildly amusing to small children surname. It is an unusual surname but a very commonly used easy to spell word. In the same league as Wood, Page, Boot, Cook, Ford but less common as a name.

As a child it lead to some name-calling and jokes, not traumatic or dreadful but I could definitely have done without it and longed to be a Roberts/Jones/Cooper or something else normal.

As an adult I disliked it especially if it was used as a nickname. I also found that despite it being the kind of word your average five year old can spell I always had to spell it out because people assumed they had misheard.

So when I married a man with a nice normal surname, that doesn't need spelling out and isn't a noun I changed my name despite my feminist ideals.

Having a name like Mycock/Hiscock/Biggerdick/Sidebottom/Pratt must be so much worse and I don't think anyone in their right mind would take on one of those names willingly, in fact it surprises me that more people don't change them.

Tell him that you aren't taking on his name, he will have been teased for his name so should understand. Women keeping their own name is becoming increasingly common so it shouldn't be a surprise, you probably know lots of people who kept their names, point them out to him.

Suggest that he might like to take yours, he might jump at the chance to ditch his name and blame feminism! If he doesn't just let him know that you aren't taking his name and let him get used to the idea. You don't have to decide about kids now, and his views may have softened by the time kids arrive.

Double barrelling is an option to consider for the kids if this is a sticking point, you don't have to use the whole lot all the time. I know lots of people who just use one part of their name, some the first some the last. Sometimes for brevity/convenience/change in circumstances reasons others because one part is a rubbish name. Hopefully he will be keen to avoid his kids getting the same kind of teasing he got though.

I hated my DHs surname from the moment I heard it. I’m fairly old fashioned and wanted to take my husbands name though, but also loved my surname. Lots of times I wish I’d kept it but I didn’t. There are no really horrible connotations to it, it’s just different and I don’t like the sound of it. My DH was ok with me keeping my surname if I wanted, he did however want to use his name for our DCs. I’ve been abused on MN before for saying this, but he was the last chance to carry his family name on. I didn’t mind that but I also wanted our first dc to have my surname, we hadn’t gotten married at this stage, so we double barrelled the name. Even though I have just taken my DHs name all our children are double barrelled.

I know lots of women who refused to take their DHs names, at the time I married every married woman in my department had kept their own names, all of them were so shocked I didn’t. One of my old bosses who kept her name actually gave each of her children different surnames, one was hers, another her husbands, 3rd double barrelled and 4th I think was also double battled but the other way round.

Also, if you don't want to take his surname, and don't want your kids to have it, why bother getting married?

Um, maybe because of the legal protections of being married?

Do you think people choose to get married just to have the other person's name?! That that's the reason they do it, so if they don't do it there's no point getting married?! What a bizarre way of thinking. And sad to be honest.

I married for the first time over 30 years ago and even then no-one (apart from MIL, on one occasion, which I simply ignored) raised an eyebrow at my keeping my name.

@Coffeepot72

Airports are weird when it comes to parents/children. DH and I are married so have the same surname, and DH’s son (from his first marriage) also has the same surname so we have never been challenged at an airport, I think everyone (wrongly) assumed I was DSS’s mum!

So you have no horse in this race, but have decided that airports make it harder for those of us with names different to our children?

I’ve lived it for 11 years and never once had any issues whatsoever.