My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

She’s no friend. In my peer group more friends had babies in their 40s than 20s. A good third hadn’t found ‘the one’ in their 30s

If she said that, then she isn't a friend.

I met dh at 41 and had ds at 43.2.
Your mate is a cow..

That's so not true. Women have children in their 40's. Tell your friend to do one.

That’s the shit you think and don’t say.

Your "friend" was, basically, being a cunt.

Omg, she was horrible and cruel and wrong. You can meet someone in the next year and have a baby after dating for 2 years and you wouldn't even be 40 yet. It's going to take a bit of luck and time investment on your part, but it's definitely possible.

What a nasty thing to say. My cousin had a baby a few months ago, she just turned 45, my best friend had her first last year at 42

She’s not a friend. She’s horrible. Don’t rule out kids if you want them. My mum had me at 38.

I have a friend who was single for years, then met her husband at 36, got married at 38 and had her first baby it’s 40. Tell your “friend” to back off!!!

Not true! Many people start families in their late 30's and early 40's, and actually if you find the right relationship there is no reason you couldn't start trying after a year or two together.

It's not "over" until you decide it is, and I think 36 is far too early to decide that! You could definitely meet someone and have children.

Have you had any fertility tests?

If not, I wonder if that might be worth looking into, just because if you were to meet somoene, spend a couple of years with them, decide to start trying and THEN find out you had fertility problems, you could be on a long road. So it's worth just checking everything out in that department.

(Spoken from my perspective as someone battling with fertility issues - whatever happens relationships wise, it's best to know as soon as possible).

But timings wise I really think you are fine! Just enjoy dating and see what happens x

My closest friend got divorced at 37. Had a baby at 40 and married the father shortly afterwards

Rubbish, with the right person you know they are the one quickly. If I wasn't too old I would have had kids with dp after a year or so.

That was an unkind thing to say, and she's wrong.
Loads of mums in my circle have had children over 40. One friend didn't even start dating until 37 as she was completely career-focused, met her DP at 38, had her first child at 40 and her second at 41.
So no need to despair.

I know several people who got married at 39 and had 4/5 kids by 45. It can happen. But you probably do need to cut out the crap by being upfront about wanting a serious relationship.

@AryaStarkWolf

What a nasty thing to say. My cousin had a baby a few months ago, she just turned 45, my best friend had her first last year at 42

I mean that's nice for your cousin but in no way representative of reality.

45 and over. At 45, a woman's likelihood of getting pregnant is no more than 3 or 4 percent. That's not to say it's impossible, but assisted reproductive technologies are almost always necessary, with IVF the most common.

"The few eggs you have left may have chromosomal abnormalities, so screening before IVF is critical," says Dr. Copperman. Success rates are 0 to 1 percent, and most clinics recommend using eggs donated by a younger woman for those who want to conceive between ages 46 and 50.

Your friend was so unkind to say that to you and she was also completely wrong. She’s no friend.

I mean that's nice for your cousin but in no way representative of reality.

It really happened though, so yes it's reality

Well she technically isn't right. You could meet someone tomorrow and be with the a few years before having a first kid at 39. She sounds a little bit of a dick/missery guts. But only you'll know if she has form for unthoughtful comments.

How mean. There are lots of chances that you will have a family.

Not a kind thing to say at all.

I was told the same about the same age by a good friend it hurt. But that you'll never have a kid is 11 years old now. DO NOT GIVE UP

@AryaStarkWolf

I mean that's nice for your cousin but in no way representative of reality.

It really happened though, so yes it's reality

The key word there was representative

As per the actual data (as opposed to one person's experience) that I also posted, fewer than 4 per cent of women will be able to have a baby at 45.

So your cousin is not representative of what a woman can realistically expect.

Sorry this apparently wasn't clear from my previous post

I met DH at 36, married at 38 then had kids at 39 and 41. It's not impossible, but you'll need to get on with it.

Also, having biological kids is not the only way to have a family.

Maybe you decide to adopt.
Maybe you marry somewhere already has kids.
Maybe you live happily ever after with your partner, 4 dogs and 3 cats.

Having babies is not the end all be all

Get on with it??? How on earth is anyone meant to get on with that? Spectacularly unhelpful.

OP no-one can see into the future. It was unkind of your friend to stress you. None of us can confirm or deny what will happen to you and I for one fully understand it's not within your power to 'get on with it'