My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Life has a habit of not working out like you expected, for the better or worse. You need to roll with it and make the best of it.

Don't let your sadness about things not being as you would want be a self fulfilling prophecy.

If you really want kids, then do your best to make it happen. Try to meet someone but if it doesn't work out, consider doing it alone.

Two of my friends have had babies by donor at 40. One of them left her DP to do so as he didn't want kids, but she did.

You are only 36, anything could happen!

For comparison, a 30-year old woman has about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month

Incidentally it's something like 25% chance per cycle for two twenty somethings with no fertility issues, which is lower than I expected.

I would totally have been prepared to have had a child alone if I hadn’t met anyone.

Your friend is wrong

Nobody can guarantee that you will or won't meet someone in 'time'. Other people's random luck/success is of no use to you other than to confirm it is possible - lots of things are ,it just may not be the case for you.

I decided after waiting for one reason or another - divorced/dated/had a 'situationship' with someone for 2 years who wasn't at the same life stage as me that enough was enough. Aged 38/39 I'd undergone fertility checks and reproductive medical assistance and am grateful that I'm now 33 weeks pregnant via IVF (due o a blocked tube unbeknownst to me before the fertility checks were done) using a sperm donor. I'm a solo mother to be by choice. I'm happy and finally free from the stress of whether having a child or not will happen. It most certainly will! I've reframed what a family is (it took time and letting go of 'fantasy' ideals. Waiting for a partner was no longer an option - for me the risk was too great (and I was sick of dating and also didn't want to settle). Also didn't want to rush any relationship because I was 'running out of time'.

Would you consider solo parenting?

I had 3 children in my 20's and a lovely little surprise when I was 39!

I'd second getting some preliminary fertility checks done. Again other people's success stories are no indication of your individual fertility circumstances/chances.

Fertility is fickle/unpredictable and until you start trying you won't know. You or your partner may have issues in which case it could take longer/may not happen at all. Assuming all will be fine is being uninformed.

Fertility checks (a screenshot not foolproof as another poster has already written) is a current clinical picture and at least allow you to consider things/discuss/ your options. It certainly made me feel more in control once I knew what was required for me to conceive.

Take control and ownership of your situation.

Your friend sounds vile. Either she is jealous or projecting her own fears on to you.

I met my husband at 32; we were married and had a child within 15 months. It was a risk but we are still together 26 years later. It doesn’t take years necessarily.

Plenty of DC’s peers had parents over 40 when they were born. When I went to ante natal with my second child age 36, I was the youngest there.

You are not too old. But if you really want a child consider going solo. I also have friends who are child free and happy with it.

Your friend is very unkind to you. Even is that’s what she thinks (and what stats suggest) she could have been kinder! I was 35 myself when I decided that it was very unlikely to happen for me so I went the solo route and had my daughter at 36 - she 9 now and I’m sitting here waiting for swimming lessons to be done!

Never give up hope but be proactive either way - seek your future partner out or do it for yourself!

Well, she's talking through her hat, isn't she.

I had ds at 45. after meeting his dad when I was 42

One of my friends has just got engaged at 38/9. She already has a 11yo dc but her and her new man gave been trying for a baby since shortly after they got together during lockdown. They have known each other for years to be fair.

My brother and SIL met online dating at 37, bought anf flat together and had DN at 39 and married a year later. Its perfectly possible. DB moved from London back to To Scotland first, Scottish women were less fussy about his career and earning potential (which is perfectly decent but wouldn't go far in London).

@SleepingBunnies21

For comparison, a 30-year old woman has about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month

Incidentally it's something like 25% chance per cycle for two twenty somethings with no fertility issues, which is lower than I expected.

Yes it's a little known fact that humans are actually one of the least fertile mammals on the planet

About 38% of 40 year olds will fall pregnant if trying for a year (that's fall pregnant, not stay pregnant and have a healthy child- that's much lower) compared to 96% of 30 year olds.

So the odds aren't on your side but it's by no means hopeless.

I would definitely think about egg freezing though. You've recognised a problem so you may as well take action

It might be worth doing a private fertility check if you can afford it?

Also I've known someone who has actually made it clear they want to settle down quite soon and start a family and met a man who was in a similar boat (although he was 40s and she mid 30s). He's not crazy and they were both just honest. She's pregnant now.

That's not a very kind thing to say, and is also total rubbish and very narrow minded.

@AndSoFinally

About 38% of 40 year olds will fall pregnant if trying for a year (that's fall pregnant, not stay pregnant and have a healthy child- that's much lower) compared to 96% of 30 year olds.

So the odds aren't on your side but it's by no means hopeless.

I would definitely think about egg freezing though. You've recognised a problem so you may as well take action

Those odds only apply to infertile women. No statistics have ever been attempted for healthy women but considering most pregnancies and babies born ro the over 40s are natural conceptions I would assume the percentages for healthy pregnancies and live babies are a lot higherz

It is a nasty way to say it. But at the same time, it puts a lot of pressure on you. If you do wait to meet someone there is a chance that it will not happen in the time frame you want. Or that you meet someone and have problems conceiving, although lots of people manage it. But if it is your priority, look at having a child without partner, either biologically or adoption.

Those odds only apply to infertile women. No statistics have ever been attempted for healthy women but considering most pregnancies and babies born ro the over 40s are natural conceptions I would assume the percentages for healthy pregnancies and live babies are a lot higher

I read that in the uk the number of women having children in their 40s has now overtaken the number of women having children under 20; presumsnly due to more over 40s trying (in my mums generation in our little corner of the UK, they had kids in their 20s and were then sterilised) and more under 20s using Implants, which ate more reliable than pill taking.

She's a horrible cow and no friend. Hopefully you have plenty of time. I had my son at 42 and lots of women do the same! Take not notice of her.

When I say "were then sterilised" I mean, chose to be sterilised! My phrasing was a bit Brave New World there

@SleepingBunnies21

a woman's likelihood of getting pregnant is no more than 3 or 4 percent

fewer than 4 per cent of women will be able to have a baby at 45.

I'm just pointing out that those are two different things that appear to be being conflated.
I agree that most women will not fall pregnant and stay pregnant at 45 or older (with their own eggs).

Though I do know 3 off the top of my head who did.

No, that quote refers to women aged 40 - not 45

Which is RADICALLY different.

What a cow your friend is. I had my son at the age of 42 - he was conceived quickly and naturally.

@SleepingBunnies21

for example, from that page linked above - take a look at the graph and how it changes from 40 to 45
www.cnyfertility.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Risk-of-Miscarriage-by-Age.png

However don't waste time - brush yourself off and get yourself back out there and don't be ashamed of / hide the fact you're looking to settle down and have a family.