My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

I agree with your analysis @BigFatLiar

I'd disagree on ONS though it is risky and open to Op acquiring STIs ...and potentially be involved with an unwanted father on the scene for years to come....plus it's deceptive...

" I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted."

I think this statement suggests strongly that Op does want children within a partnership, why would you otherwise be needing to meet a man within a specific timeframe?

My husband is upstairs working, and my toddler and baby are napping up there. He's such a loving, wonderful husband.

And I met him when I was 37. What your friend said was wrong (and not very kind either).

Wishing you every happiness, too, OP.

I'm one of the unfortunate ones - I was Ops age when I seriously started to fret about meeting someone/having a family. I dated relentlessly and ultimately unsuccessfully. One poster said that men see you as a red flag and I guess that's how I was behaving - trying to hide that I was 'cool' about it [needing to know where the relationship was going etc] when in reality it was eating me up inside. I almost had a breakdown over the pressure of it all. I also didn't meet anyone I actually fancied and the whole thing felt like being in a conveyor belt rushed, forced. I had a long term relationship, which broke down in my early 30s we were together over 8 years. Sometimes even with the best intentions life doesn't turn out how you'd hoped for.

@Mikedownunder

I'm one of the unfortunate ones - I was Ops age when I seriously started to fret about meeting someone/having a family. I dated relentlessly and ultimately unsuccessfully. One poster said that men see you as a red flag and I guess that's how I was behaving - trying to hide that I was 'cool' about it [needing to know where the relationship was going etc] when in reality it was eating me up inside. I almost had a breakdown over the pressure of it all. I also didn't meet anyone I actually fancied and the whole thing felt like being in a conveyor belt rushed, forced. I had a long term relationship, which broke down in my early 30s we were together over 8 years. Sometimes even with the best intentions life doesn't turn out how you'd hoped for.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you

With the knowledge of hindsight, would you have done anything differently?

@JudgementalCactus

I think I would have /should have explored solo parenting sooner and not been daring for so many years. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm not against it but my fertility checks now aged 40 are very bad. I was advised the only realistic chance is via donor eggs but that's very expensive and I don't have the funds...I'm also starting to accept that a childless life is looking very likely for me

Well she's has dated for 10 years tried all the bingos she was fed ...has had her MH ruined by OLD ..

It's not sensible to use only old if that's what she did.

And if you have your mh ruined by old, you have other issues. Sensible people know when to take a break, when there are flags etc etc

She may not have met anyone for a relationship throug old (or anything else she tried), I know people who did, are mow married with kids. As usual your take is extreme and somewhat irrational.

I wa single at 35 after a long relationship. I tried old but found it "challenging" though there was a guy who.seemed decent whom I ne er got round to meeting before I got involved with someone else, not through old.

I did not depend on the shot show that hs old, I joined a sport (quite a challenging sport) and spent time doing it and training for it. I went by everything. I met a partner through that sport (his kids did it) and went out with him for nearly two years; during whoch he was willing to ttc and we passively ttc'd but I didn't happen to fall pregnant during that period. We split because because we're not compatible in other ways abd I wanted to give a relationship with my long term ex another chance.
I could have stayed with him however, and hopefully had kids with a more focused approach to ttc (as I did several years later with the ex I got back together with).

When trying to meet someone post 35 you don't fk around with only old. You try to think of every possible avenue to meet the type of person you'd like to meet and get out there.

Plenty of people have met partners post 35/36.

Incidentally I also took up another sport for a few months and there was a divorce man there too who was interested; I wasnt interested enough back but another woman could have been. (He is a fit not bad looking, genuine guy, self employed etc).

Your partner will not knock on your door, or happen to be around (like at school or uni); you have to find ways to meet new people and keep meeting them if you're not meeting any potentials.

(Also if you waste your time on the unavailable, the player, the not truly single, the red flagger etc etc ; that's on you).

@fanx

Relying on random fertility advice from well wishers/unprofessional individuals is really unwise. I've said this many times.

Shes primarily not looking for fertility advice, she's very clearly looking for reassurance about the possibility of meeting and getting into a relationship secure enough to ttc within, within the next few years.

That's not actually fertility advice.

On tbe fertility front; posters have quoted chance per cycle by age range, avd percentages of women actively ttc falling pregnant within age ranges. They have quoted from the NHS and other reputable sources.

They are not professionals, no - something op is probably aware of since this is MN, not "free fertility specialist.net".

Op posted this within relationships, not conception. She wanted perspectives on this scenario; meeting someone and progressing the relationship relatively sharply in late 30s. She also appears to need support in getting rid of the fantasy abd fallacy of ttc within a vert long established relationship, and she's she's got that.

She is more likely to be within the majority of late 30s women who conceive naturally within wven a year, than not; but you have spent this entire thread insisting the opposite and "harping on" (to use your kind words about op) ad nauseum about ivf figures, when it's unlikely it would even be necessary.

You insist we can't know that op is not within the 90% (over two years of ttc) but somehow the opposite is not true (that you can't know if she's in the 10%). What the likelihood is, is obvious; but that's irrelevant apparently and posters here are "stupid" for erring on that side.

Your fixation on "chance each month" also shows that, I'm spite of several posters highlighting it for you, you cannot (and choose to continue not to) understand chance per cycle translated into odds, since people ttc for more than one cycle.

You could spend the next 5/6/7 years dating and never meet anyone or you could meet someone tomorrow. The issue is about control: how much control are you willing to have over this area of your life? And what are you prepared/not prepared to do alone?

A very good point.

Loads of people have children quickly, especially if they meet when they're a bit older and both know what they want. I was only 30 when I met DH but I was pregnant within a year of us starting to see each other. My mother was widowed with two young children in her twenties; in her mid-30s she met my dad, they married very quickly and she had three more kids between 37 and 40.

@kalidasa

Loads of people have children quickly, especially if they meet when they're a bit older and both know what they want. I was only 30 when I met DH but I was pregnant within a year of us starting to see each other. My mother was widowed with two young children in her twenties; in her mid-30s she met my dad, they married very quickly and she had three more kids between 37 and 40.

Yep. It only really takes a year to see as much as you need to see of someone to know what kind of person they are. It's not like five years is somehow much better than one or two years. If they're a terrible person and keep up the facade longer than about six months, they could keep it up for years. I do think less than a year is risky, though. I follow someone on Twitter who got pregnant on purpose with someone she'd met on Tinder four months earlier, which tbh is plain irresponsible.

@fanx why are you so angry about things?

The reality is that age does affect fertility, otherwise secondary infertility wouldn't exist. It is absolutely disingenuous to suggest otherwise. At 36, there are a couple of choices - either become a parent alone or hope that you meet someone and have kids quickly. In that scenario I would absolutely go solo. However that may not suit the OP. There's no way of knowing what will happen. She can only do her best.

No it's not over. Your 'friend' is an imbacile. You deserve a better friend

OP you can go to a fertility clinic and get a few of your eggs frozen. This will ease off some pressure, and if you end up not finding the right guy you can always go at it alone via sperm donation or other methods.

It's total bollocks. You could easily have kids with someone you've known 2 years or so - when you're older You make better decisions about partners too. You'll be fine x

I met my DP at 37, married at 40. First baby at 41, second at 43. You've plenty of time yet

Hi OP

I am 38 and in the same position. It's so hard. I feel so sad that most likely I won't have children but I just don't know what to do. I just can't meet anyone and have tried OLD without success. I would like to have children with a partner, I never imagined doing it alone but now it feels impossible.

xx

@SadSaltye

Just reading backwards (idiotically!) and seeing lots of stats.

The main hurt really came from this idea that I could never have a connection with someone soon enough or fast enough to be close enough to then be at that stage. I guess I can imagine I might meet someone possibly… but it’s now the idea that if I do, they will basically feel a stranger for a long time. And I don’t know any different really as aside from a couple of shit few month things, my other relationships have been longer term.

That should tell you that just being with someone for years does not mean you know them. Because you obv didn't know those long term things wouldn't work out. In fact spending less time but more quality time, can allow you to learn about someone much quicker. I have seen a lot of people who settle down in their 20s are completely different in their 40s, and partners find they don't have anything in common once they excitement of wedding and children is passed.

Question what a scientific proof there is that 4 years with someone means you known them better than 2 years in. These are all arbitrary timelines people place based on what friends/families do. And by women who were ready to settle down sooner but their partners kept them hanging around for years - so they justify it as "we needed that time to be sure" (they certainly wouldn't have turned down a proposal 2 years in!). Similar to how some people take decades to figure out careers, themselves, sort their shit out - some people do it in a few years.

Point is you will never really know someone so it's daft to think comfort = knowing them. Kids might change them, life might change them - people aren't static. What's important to figure out early on is how you communicate, your values, whether you can spend time alone enjoying yourselves, attitudes to family and child care, sex drive compatibility, attitude to conflict and money. All this you can figure out quickly if you're focused. Everything else you'll work out in a marriage just like people who've been together decades still have to do everyday.