My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Marry someone who*

Agree with above poster. There are many paths to a family.

Your friend was talking rubbish. Life is not so delinieated like that.

Ignore her unless she was using her proven crystal ball 🔮

With friends like that eh? What she said was unnecessary and cruel. She isn't a friend.

That was a really nasty comment for your friend to make and I'd be stepping back from that friendship if I were you. There was no need for her to be so insensitive and hurtful.

Yes, you don't have have much time left but there is still a decent chance that you could meet someone and have children.

I know people who had kids at 45

Your mates a cow and I would be dumping her

I feel so sad. I was trying to be positive and proactive but I just feel stressed and sad now. Like it’s out of reach. Who meets someone and then has kids soon? I won’t have had a long relationship will I. No ten year marriage behind me or anything

@SadSaltye

I feel so sad. I was trying to be positive and proactive but I just feel stressed and sad now. Like it’s out of reach. Who meets someone and then has kids soon? I won’t have had a long relationship will I. No ten year marriage behind me or anything

No but unless people meet when they're very young they don't usually wait 10 years to have children

Met DH at 35, first DC at 39 just, 2nd DC at very nearly 41.
Still married, still happy!
Your friend is a cow

I met my DH at 35, I got pregnant, got married and had our DD when I was 40. We moved in together after a year and started ttc not long after.

That’s not the whole picture - it took us 4 years and no small amount of heartache to conceive, and I needed some help (clomid in our case, Im not saying it’s all smooth sailing). Im loving being a mum and there are some benefits to being older, I’m certainly not the oldest in the baby groups we go to etc. But in a perfect world I’d have liked to have had dd earlier and maybe fit in a sibling for her (not ruled it out completely but it feels like a much more complex decision now even if it was possible).

So in a sense yes, the easy breezy meet someone, kick about together travelling or whatever for years and eventually decide to have a kid and then maybe 3 or more years later another one model that I’d kind of hoped for/ imagined in my younger days has gone. But I have a wonderful husband and a an absolutely perfect daughter and have honestly never been so happy. It’s certainly possible for you too.

What I would say is you have to be pretty clear about what you want and prepared to broach the subject, be prepared to ditch anyone who isn’t looking for the same things or who is going to string you along without any actual commitment -you don’t have time to waste hoping for the best or believing empty promises so get good at judging people by their actions and not pretty words. I’d actually decided to try for a baby alone and was starting that process when I met DH. Because I was quite focused on that I wasn’t prepared to waste time and did ask him if he wanted children within the next 2 years on our 2nd date. Probably would have scared quite a few men off, luckily not my DH who had very much been longing for a family of his own in the same way I had.

@SadSaltye

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

Friends don't treat friends like this. I wouldn't waste another minute with someone who thought it was ok to speak to me like this.

Sorry OP

45 and over. At 45, a woman's likelihood of getting pregnant is no more than 3 or 4 percent

As per the actual data (as opposed to one person's experience) that I also posted, fewer than 4 per cent of women will be able to have a baby at 45.

Isn't it a 4% chance per cycle, not 4% of women?

She's not just nasty, she's an idiot too.

Friends don't say things like that to each other. Ever.

She was dismissive of something important to you - having children. In a horrible and cruel way.

Would be an ex friend for me.

Tell your 'friend' to learn what tact means and - GO FREEZE YOUR EGGS!

Be proactive here, and take the desperation out of the situation!

You can still do it. However, while your friend was tactless, it's true some people's fertility drops off significantly after 36. I met someone at 34 after a five year relationship that had broken down, and very quickly marched him up the aisle and had a baby at 37. In retrospect, although I love my son dearly, I wish I hadn't decided that this approach was the only route to happiness. I wish I had calmed down and realised that having a husband and children is not the only way to be happy! My advice would be, if you want a companion, take your time and choose wisely. That's the most important part, because then you can face any outcome together.

I know it's impossible to think otherwise when your hormones are raging but I have many friends who didn't get married and have children and they are perfectly happy.

There’s literally a thread on here atm where a 35 year old is being told if she doesn’t crack on and have kids now then she won’t have any at all , yet this threads is saying the opposite 🤦🏻

Some people can't help but say whatever vapid, stupid comment comes into your head. I had the same when I was desperately trying to breastfeed my son and he couldn't get the hang of it. I was so hurt I couldn't look at her again. It's a complete reflection of her and nothing to do with you. She cannot possibly know what will happen. The lovely Alex Jones from The One Show has just had a baby in her 40s.

@SadSaltye

I feel so sad. I was trying to be positive and proactive but I just feel stressed and sad now. Like it’s out of reach. Who meets someone and then has kids soon? I won’t have had a long relationship will I. No ten year marriage behind me or anything

Don't fall into self pity. And don't wreck your life because some dick of a friend has a very narrow view of people and the world. You need to be stronger in your own self belief, and also that there are PLENTY of men in the same boat who too want children. Human beings make up their minds pretty quickly on what is long term or not - the reason you take longer when you're younger is because no one wants that commitment quite so soon. Or people hope something better comes along. They're not taking years to commit because they're waiting to see if their partner is right - who can ever know for sure! These boards are proof that even LT relationships can end because people aren't actually compatible - they just took 20 years to realise it, or life changed forcing it.

You have every shot at meeting someone. Meghan Markle met Harry at 36 didn't she? Greg James' wife Bella proposed to him after 8 or 10 months and they still seem happy a few years later. Serena Williams met her husband at 35 and he proposed a year later and they're loved up with a baby now.

Stop letting narrow minded people who are bitchy and miserable drag you down. Keep the faith - you absolutely can meet someone and have a family now.

@Ozanj

I know several people who got married at 39 and had 4/5 kids by 45. It can happen. But you probably do need to cut out the crap by being upfront about wanting a serious relationship.

No you don't

36 is noy that old to meet , build a relationship in which you establish if the man is not obviously insane or not (!) and fir in a child or two.

90% of women under 39 conceive within two years of trying.
(Was on NHS website fertility page, not sure it's still on there ... before before certain type of poster says it's nonsense).

@TurnUpTurnip

There’s literally a thread on here atm where a 35 year old is being told if she doesn’t crack on and have kids now then she won’t have any at all , yet this threads is saying the opposite 🤦🏻

Only on Mumsnet 😂

I mean, you wouldn't need to hang about, but it's not an unfeasible timescale.

What a shocking thing to say!

What a cruel thing for a “friend” to say.

There’s no doubt about it though that if you want the stereotypical ‘marriage and two kids’ dream you have to dust yourself down after your break-up and get ruthless with online dating.

But, as others have said there are other routes to having a family.

And if having children of your own is more important to you than anything else, I know a number of women who have gone solo with donor sperm and have no regrets,