My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

@FreeBritnee

That’s the shit you think and don’t say.

I wouldn't even think it, because I know a lot of people who got coupled up and had kids in late 30s.

Yes it's a little known fact that humans are actually one of the least fertile mammals on the planet

I wonder is that because we can get pregnant every month, and don't have a season?

Sorry, derail.

(If you mean chance per cycle, rather than overall fertility).

I met my DP when I was 38 and we had our DS when I was two months off 40. And that was after a pretty awful run of relationships (and years between some of those - my point being that I wasn't someone who leapt from one relationship to the next).

As others have said, she is not your friend.

Not the case at all - I know a few people who, in late 30s have basically met someone, pretty much agreed they want to get on with it and married and/or had kids within 2 or 3 years. When you're in your 30s I think it is easier to 'get on with it' because you'll both presumably be fairly settled in a career and you don't need to 'wait and see' how things go as life changes or wait until you can afford it. as lot as you might if you, say met someone at uni or early 20s.

I met my husband at 38 and had twins at 41 xx

Tell any man directly that you want children
Please don’t get pregnant just for the sake of it hoping to bring the man round.
Be upfront from the get go.

Freeze eggs??

Well your frirnd is wrong but at least she said it to your face! So you know she’ll tell you what she thinks which is not always bad (i’m not saying she’scalways right by the way).

Fertility varies depending on each woman. Have a test if you can affored it. If you really want a baby, have a baby and take your time to meet a life partner. There are plenty of options!

I guess stats are difficult to assess as many women over 35 will be making every effort NOT to become pregnant and by definition it will be those having difficulties conceiving who will seen for fertility treatment and will form part of the stats for over 35s.

FWIW my grandmother had babies at 38 and 41, my mother married at 36, had babies at 37 and 40 and I had mine at 36 and just before 42.

My aunt had 3 babies with her new 2nd husband - at 39, 40 and 42.

None of us had any problem conceiving.

No of course not! What a bitch. I left my awful ex when I was 35, met my DP when I was 36, moved in together after a year or so when I was 37, now I’m 38 and we’re expecting our first baby together, who will hopefully be born when I’m 39! So it’s definitely possible.

I did do some things to take charge of my own fertility too in the meantime…
Investigated egg freezing (not for me)
Lost some body fat % and became super fit
Stopped hormonal contraception
Started tracking my cycles instead
Had some initial fertility tests (have to pay as NHS won’t do it if you’re single which seems a bit old-fashioned).

I was also really up-front when dating that I wanted a family one day. Met lots of guys who also wanted this so don’t think it was a bad strategy. No point in wasting time with someone who has ruled it out.

What a viciously nasty thing to say.

I don't believe she is correct for a moment.

I certainly wouldn't want anyone so poisonous around me.

Please distance yourself from her.

Focus on getting back out there.

My friend never met Mr Right and had a child on her own using sperm donor IVF at the age of 43. Don't despair. I only had my child at 36. Older mothers are much more common these days.

I can't tell you if you will have a family or not but I can tell you that's no friend !

On this thread you'll get an echo chamber - people giving stories either their own or of others for whom it has works out. What you won't get is the other side - the women for whom it hasn't worked out in time, and they missed the boat and it was too late to conceive/maintain a pregnancy or they weren't prepared to go at it alone and missed the boat that way too. It's an undeniable fact that it happens. Yes it puts pressure but that depends on how you want to interpret this.

Anything is possible - nobody is disagreeing with that. I think you need to frame things in a different way: are you willing to set an arbitrary time line by which point you will take matter in to your own hands and either explore solo parenting/fostering/adoption?

I met my now husband at 36, married and had our baby at 38. Insensitive of your friend.

I blundered into my beloved partner when I was 36, and had a baby with him at 41. Definitely very possible.

I think the reason I was later in life, in hindsight, was because I was a bit of dreamer and not very focussed. So I would gently suggest really identifying what you want, setting that as an objective, and start strategising towards it. Eg, start saving, get yourself out there, think about getting your fertility checked out. Also ask yourself deep in your heart whether your #1 wish is for a loving partner, or for a child / children, as perhaps that could sway the decisions you make.

I had some friends for whom it suited for me to be single and childless, and it helped for me to detach myself from them, too. Family life is a different mode.

I know that feeling of bleak fearfulness, so wishing you all the best. You have plenty opportunity, but at the same time there are no guarantees in life. 🌷

@MujeresLibres

My friend never met Mr Right and had a child on her own using sperm donor IVF at the age of 43. Don't despair. I only had my child at 36. Older mothers are much more common these days.

Your friend was extremely lucky as chances if IVF working with your own eggs according to NHS website: 5% for women aged 43 to 44. She still made the decision to go at it alone, it's not a decision that someone makes on a whim plus IVF is expensive.

I would’ve had children with my husband within 3 months of meeting. We’d decided we wanted to get married and have kids at that point and I’m sure he’d have been open to trying if I was older and / or more concerned about my fertility.

We moved in at that point and ended up having our daughter 2 years from when we first met purely because we could afford more time and wanted to buy a house first (which took over a year).

No one can know what the future holds for them. And as other have said there are many pathways to a family. Your life will unfold as it's meant to unfold. Just keep yourself open to all possibilities.

Regardless of all that, your friend was real bitch to say what she did. At a time when you're trying to build yourself back up, she kicked you hard right where it hurt the most.

And chances are if you challenged her with it she'd say some bullshit like "I'm just telling you like it is" or "I say what's on my mind". She's not a real friend. Real friends know when to speak and when to keep their flapping mouths shut.

sounds like world class bitchery to me. You don't need a "friend" like that

That was a very cruel way to put it. A friend would never hurt you like that.

NRFT - your friend is thoughtless/unkind BUT i would suggest you look into fertility tests & potentially egg freezing to buy yourself some time (for YOU to be sure that any man you meet is someone you want to start a family with)

PS - friend just had 1st baby aged 42, met partner aged 39 x

Met my husband in March.
Pregnant by September (planned!)
When you know you know. :)

You're still young by the way, don't listen to your friend. You never know what's round the corner, I didn't! Stay positive x

I also agree that your friend was unkind in the way she delivered her message however the issue of fertility remains and shouldn't be ignored. You can be proactive here and it's not dependent on a man!

Are you afraid to have fertility tests? Some women are in case they find out something is wrong ....if that's the case Op I'd be more afraid of wasting time dating/settling for wrong men as panicked than I would dealing with the fertility news.

I got with a guy in my 20s then faffed around with him thinking he was “the one”. We broke up in my 30s after I’d grown up and realised how awful he was. I then met my DH online dating and had kids very very quickly afterwards. Our marriage and family are as strong as anyone else’s, even stronger in some cases. You should know your own personality and what you want in a guy when you’re 36. You’re a fully grown adult who can make sensible decisions quickly based on experience. No need to faff around waiting and seeing and getting 10 years of marriage under your belt before kids - that’s for people in their 20s.