My friend has basically said I won’t have a family

[SadSaltye]

I’m 36 and recently single. I said I had started online dating again as I really want to try again and find someone I can build a life with.

My friend literally said well you’ll need to forget the kids part now, ‘only an insane man would have kids with someone in less than a long term relationship and you’ll be past it by the time anything becomes long term.’

I haven’t spoken to her since but actually I am starting to think she’s right. I need to do it within a year or so really. Nobody sane would do that with me. I feel so low. It’s all over isn’t it, that life I wanted.

She is no friend. What's will all these "friends" on Mumsnet talking to their supposed friends like that.
A real friend would have phrased that completely different and maybe suggested other options, or thought of a couple of examples of people who met someone at your age and had a baby 2 or 3 years later.
She would have listened to your concerns and given advice if she could, not talk to you like that. Just awful.

Where do you know her from? Is she a proper "friend" or just some random workmate type acquaintance pain in ass person

(If you mean chance per cycle, rather than overall fertility)

Good shout. 4% chance per cycle would give 48% chance over one year and 96% over two.

That actually sounds too high so I’m sure it’s considerably more complicated. Lies, damned lies and statistics.

There certainly seem to be too many women having babies in their 40s for the 4% statistic to be anywhere near accurate.

eh :S you still have another 10 yearsish yet get to looking but your time isnt running out - _-

id say past 46 and yeah okay but before then... crack on

Your friend is either being mean or clueless about how good your chances are.

I was 39 when I met DH. We got married 9 months after and had our ds at 40. I sadly had two mcs before we conceived which was traumatic but well worth it. We’re both now 42 and expecting second child, a dd in March next year. We had another 3 mcs in the run up to this pregnancy. Getting older does make pregnancy loss and infertility a bit more likely but you won’t know how affected you are until you try. Many women get pregnant with no problems at all.

Your chances at 36 of meeting someone and having a family are really good. I came out of a bad relationship at 37 and thought I was doomed to a life alone. I was wrong. Only give the time of day to guys who seriously are potentials and get you body as fit and healthy as you can so when you do try for a baby you’ll have the best chance. Good luck and put what your friend said out of your mind. She’s clueless! Xx

You have a really nasty & shit friend.
Ignore her and keep going to meet the right person. She sounds toxic.

On this thread you'll get an echo chamber - people giving stories either their own or of others for whom it has works out. What you won't get is the other side

Well yes, because since the OP is feeling down about her situation she is no doubt well aware of the statistics, so people rubbing it in under the guise of being “helpful” are rather unkind. Posters are sharing their positive experiences to let her know her situation is not hopeless, and it’s worth getting out there and trying.

So here’s my anecdata. I felt exactly like you at 35 @SadSaltye, met my husband through friends at 36, started relationship at 37, had first child (unplanned) at 38, second at 40, third at 41, fourth at 43. That was 20 years ago.

What I’ve found, through my own experience and those of friends, is that by your late 30s you know your own mind, and what you’re looking for in a partner, and things move much more quickly. You will need to be proactive and “get out there” though, and maybe have a think about what “family” means to you and how you can achieve that if you don’t meet anyone.

And anyone who can be so casually cruel about something important to you is no friend.

That is a horrible thing to say and she is no friend

Sorry your friend said something so hurtful. I divorced when I was 39 after a 9 year relationship. I had a baby at 41. Unfortunately my relationship with the father didn't work but I do have my family. Don't give up if you want a family.

Your friend is a brat, and wrong. You can still have kids for a good while yet!!!

@Ginandplatonic

On this thread you'll get an echo chamber - people giving stories either their own or of others for whom it has works out. What you won't get is the other side

Well yes, because since the OP is feeling down about her situation she is no doubt well aware of the statistics, so people rubbing it in under the guise of being “helpful” are rather unkind. Posters are sharing their positive experiences to let her know her situation is not hopeless, and it’s worth getting out there and trying.

So here’s my anecdata. I felt exactly like you at 35 @SadSaltye, met my husband through friends at 36, started relationship at 37, had first child (unplanned) at 38, second at 40, third at 41, fourth at 43. That was 20 years ago.

What I’ve found, through my own experience and those of friends, is that by your late 30s you know your own mind, and what you’re looking for in a partner, and things move much more quickly. You will need to be proactive and “get out there” though, and maybe have a think about what “family” means to you and how you can achieve that if you don’t meet anyone.

And anyone who can be so casually cruel about something important to you is no friend.

Just because you know your own mind doesn't mean you'll meet anyone suitable.

It may or may not be worth getting out there, it may be a compete waste of time just because it's worked for some. Apps are designed to make money keep us on there for as long as possible. Otherwise we'd all be meeting the loves of our lives (if only we knew our minds )

It is random. Coincidence. Timing.
I rely wish people would stop with 'when you know you know' and other useless bingoes.

Your friend was extremely lucky as chances if IVF working with your own eggs according to NHS website: 5% for women aged 43 to 44. She still made the decision to go at it alone, it's not a decision that someone makes on a whim plus IVF is expensive.

You'd imagine that figure relates to the majority of people having ivf having fertility issues; whereas that woman was not having it due to fertility issues.

I wonder are there separate stats for ivf-ers who are doing it because they're using donor sperm.

(Anyway there's also the chance she used donor eggs but didn't say)

aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years
aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years

The NHS fertility page is citing a study stating the above.

Op is 36 - putting aside aside 45 debate that kicked off as a slight derail, she has a v good chance of having kids up til 39.

After that she still has a reducing chance. Colloquially I find 42 to be a bit of a cliff for many people.

Of course a fertility check would be useful in establishing there's nothing (as far as they can tell, which is not comprehensive) that could affect ops fertility.

Im wondering what happened to 27 to 34

That's a really harsh statement. Is it the norm for her to say horrible things like this to you?

I was divorced, single for 7 years. Met my husband in 2018.
Got married in 2019 had my first baby in 2020 age 43 and the baby just turned one a few days ago.

Anything is possible. I wouldn't write having kids off. What your friend has said isn't fact.

@SleepingBunnies21

Your friend was extremely lucky as chances if IVF working with your own eggs according to NHS website: 5% for women aged 43 to 44. She still made the decision to go at it alone, it's not a decision that someone makes on a whim plus IVF is expensive.

You'd imagine that figure relates to the majority of people having ivf having fertility issues; whereas that woman was not having it due to fertility issues.

I wonder are there separate stats for ivf-ers who are doing it because they're using donor sperm.

(Anyway there's also the chance she used donor eggs but didn't say)

Age does become a fertility issue. Declining age affects the quality of eggs - it is well documented. Using a sperm donor would increase your chance most likely as the quality of the sperm is of a very high quality.

@SleepingBunnies21

*aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years*

The NHS fertility page is citing a study stating the above.

Op is 36 - putting aside aside 45 debate that kicked off as a slight derail, she has a v good chance of having kids up til 39.

After that she still has a reducing chance. Colloquially I find 42 to be a bit of a cliff for many people.

Of course a fertility check would be useful in establishing there's nothing (as far as they can tell, which is not comprehensive) that could affect ops fertility.

"Op is 36 - putting aside aside 45 debate that kicked off as a slight derail, she has a v good chance of having kids up til 39"

You really cannot categorically say that, not even a qualified doctor can say that - it is advice that cannot be substantiated by anything evidence- based.

I met DH at 35, married at 39, DC1 at 40, DC2 at 45. It can happen but I had miscarriages and periods of infertility due to age most likely.

Don't lose heart, date seriously and I'd recommend freezing some eggs ASAP. Expensive but could be a game changer.

This is why women end up childless not by choice because they're led to believe that whatever they read by the well-wishers/unqualified random people on the internet. We are all individuals and our chances of conceiving/carrying a pregnancy to full term may or may not fall within the stats expected for our age group.

Age does become a fertility issue. Declining age affects the quality of eggs - it is well documented.
Using a sperm donor would increase your chance most likely as the quality of the sperm is of a very high quality.

Declining age?
I presume you mean increasing age.

Oh certainly its a factor but the point i wax making is that that figure probably reflects the higher le el of fertility issues among people having ivf than those not.

The women ttc who have decent fertility past 40/41/42 would probably not be in those figures, because they wouldnt be having ivf. That lady might have good fertility past that age, but was unusual in having ivf, because she was using a donor.

We don't know wine true fertility in their 40s in 2021 because mjst women women still not ttc in their 40s abd there is no study of women tyc in their 50s who are not having fertility treatment. There ard records of births to women in their 40s (now overtaking under 20s women) but that doesbt tell us anything about all the women in their 40s who didn't ttc.

As for the premium donor sperm, thays a very good point; it would be a young man (under 39 at the very least) screened etc.

That gives that lady a better chance than women in their 40s rtf with men as old or older than them, which is often the case. They have two sets of aging genetic material, instead of only one.

*We don't know women's true fertility in their 40s in 2021 because most women women are still not ttc in their 40s, and there is no study of women ttc in their 40s who are not having fertility treatment.

(Or at least none that I'm aware of).

Met my partner at 36 and had 2 kids after so you've plenty of life in you yet- ignore her! It's an exciting time for you

@SleepingBunnies21

*Age does become a fertility issue. Declining age affects the quality of eggs - it is well documented. Using a sperm donor would increase your chance most likely as the quality of the sperm is of a very high quality.*

Declining age?
I presume you mean increasing age.

Oh certainly its a factor but the point i wax making is that that figure probably reflects the higher le el of fertility issues among people having ivf than those not.

The women ttc who have decent fertility past 40/41/42 would probably not be in those figures, because they wouldnt be having ivf. That lady might have good fertility past that age, but was unusual in having ivf, because she was using a donor.

We don't know wine true fertility in their 40s in 2021 because mjst women women still not ttc in their 40s abd there is no study of women tyc in their 50s who are not having fertility treatment. There ard records of births to women in their 40s (now overtaking under 20s women) but that doesbt tell us anything about all the women in their 40s who didn't ttc.

As for the premium donor sperm, thays a very good point; it would be a young man (under 39 at the very least) screened etc.

That gives that lady a better chance than women in their 40s rtf with men as old or older than them, which is often the case. They have two sets of aging genetic material, instead of only one.

I've had IVF and it was due to a blocked tube as well as a lack of a partner. Other than that issue, I was fortunate to have a very good ovarian reserve levels which correlated with the AMH levels - a hormone that checks a woman's ability to produce eggs that can be fertilized for pregnancy. I was still given less than 30% chance of success so 70%/failure - bleak. At my consultation, it was made clear to me aged 39 that waiting isn't recommended. Other reasons for this were: declining egg quality as the maternal age increases (meaning it would take longer if at all to find an egg that could be fertilized), producing eggs that are of poor quality (using IVF medication), increased risk of miscarriages, increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities. I was lucky in that I was genetically blessed and not only conceived on my first go on a fresh IVF cycle but also have 12 embryos frozen - not boasting just that I was in a very very small minority.

Yes re older eggs/young sperm argument - but Op isn't going to use a sperm donor most probably unless she goes down the route of solo parenting, and most people's partners aren't 10 years younger than them.

Fertility is complex, IVF is frontier science. A lot of it is unknown. Go on the donor conception/infertility boards of MN and you'll see some of the issues women are struggling with. Again, until you try to get pregnant you won't know which camp you're in. Male infertility accounts for up to 1/3 of infertility cases. Age too affects their sperm quality as do other life factors.

I know several couples who are struggling and have been TTC more than a couple of years. It's very disheartening. You just don't know.

I've recently left my ex. What your friend said was horrible unnecessary and untrue but what I think you are mourning here is the loss of the life you expected to have. I'm dealing with that too. While I 100% don't regret leaving. I thought I had my.life mapped out to an extent and I never expected to be in the situation I am now.

It's OK to be sad especially while you are at the start if moving on, it's a huge step and it's very daunting but please don't go around telling yourself you can never have kids or a happy life or whatever because that's simply not true and shame on your friend for saying something so thoughtless to you when you are still a little vulnerable.

Met DP at 40, baby at 43. It's all possible