Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

Congratulations, OP. It might take some time for you to realise then truly feel it but you failed your audition as a victim of coercive control and destruction by someone evil. Be careful as he might use this as a vehicle to undermine your judgement and reel you in later. Try to learn. Good luck.

He sounds like a narcissist: love bombing when he feels like it, Jekyll/Hyde behaviour, keeps you walking on eggshells, blows up for minor things out of the blue, super intense and then discarding, controlling and then rejection/blocking/silent treatment etc. They all behave the same as if they are robots coming from the same assembly line.

I used to be involved with someone like this. It's difficult to explain to people who don't have similar experiences, they tend to be a bit shame-y ("but why are you putting up with it? How can you love someone like this? What's wrong with you?"). It is literally addictive, the unhealthy intensity of it makes you feel so much more alive when it's going well, when you get discarded it feels like physical pain and withdrawal, you beg to be forgiven, and when he takes you back, relief gives you another "high".

From experience I can tell you that his cycle of abuse will get shorter each time and you will feel worse and worse (which he will enjoy more and more). The only way to deal with it is to treat it exactly like recovery from a drug. Cut him out of your life right away, without explanation (he will use any opportunity for a 'proper breakup" to reel you back in). Delete his phone number so that you can't call him, change yours so that he can't call you. Block him on everything, even avenues you don't think he would use to contact you. Throw away anything that reminds you of him, avoid anything that reminds you of him for a while. And very important: get therapy. It will hurt a lot for a while, you will have to go through the initial awful "withdrawal" without him, but I promise it gets better.

And if you have any doubt, try to imagine the spectrum of behaviour that someone sensible and kind who loved you and would be a worthwhile partner would present when you were ill. Do his decisions sit within that range of reasonable people's choices?

BTW, try to see his conditioning you with the 'I've been massively hurt and let down in the past..' as a deliberate means for him to over-react and treat you badly from day 1.

Good luck.

If you aren't stuck in a relationship like this, it might be worth wondering how families and society end up producing so many controlling narcissists, how to spot them and avoid them.

I have not called or texted him when he's on his break at work.
This is a massive massive achievement on my part.

It's made me cry, but I didn't do it. Oh it hurts. But he's not tried to contact me either so I know he's finished. He really really didn't care at all did he.

I've deleted my Facebook. I don't need the stress of that.

I can't do the one thing that really made me feel good though - it's the activity we do together each day - how we met. That's a real challenge for me now.

This man is no catch. No decent person (let alone somone who claims to love you) would treat an ill person like that.

Can you imagine giving someone grief (and to the extent of dumping them!!) about not responding to a text? Ever? And this was a text from only 90 minutes ago!! When you were ill!!

He is, at very best, childish, supremely selfish and doesn't care a jot for your welling and feelings.

At worst he is a manipulative, controlling, selfish, arrogant arse (plus the above).

I suspect the latter from what you've said. It seems that he's set all the rules in your relationship and you have to abide by them or he sulks / accuses you of not caring / threatens to leave.

You will be SO much better off without him. He doesn't care about you. He isn't worried about how you are. He wants to control you, to get you to the point that you will never question him, never call him out on poor behaviour, always do his bidding. He isn't after a life partner, a 50/50 equal.

I hope you feel better soon. Tonsilitis is vile. I suggest blocking him / deleting his number and avoiding any calls. He will soon be angling for you to apoligise (for the imagined slight of not answering a text!) and beg him back. If you go along with that you will continue to feel mixed up, confused, not sure how he feels, questionning yourself.

If someone loves you, you know. It isn't remotely confusing.

@toastedsandwiches

The awful thing is that the rest of the time he is actually perfect. The things he says. The things he does. How he made me feel.

Love bombing

I can't actually believe how little I meant to him

what a horrible man, please look at the Freedom programme OP

I can't do the one thing that really made me feel good though - it's the activity we do together each day - how we met. That's a real challenge for me now

If it's how you met, then you were doing it before you got together, ergo you don't need him to do it. Please don't cede any more of your headspace to wanky chops over there.

I can't believe that you mean so little to yourself. Men like him care about nobody but themselves

Sod the activity you do together. Do it somewhere else or take up something different.

I've been at the end of a gaslighting cheat and the sooner you get out the better.

Block his number.

You seem a nice kind person, and it is ok to be single.
I was in a million broken bits less than 3 years ago, now I look back and think what the hell did I see in that arsehole.
I didn't die.

@toastedsandwiches

I know you are all right.

I have that hole in my gut feeling I can't bare to be without him. I can't bare the thought of missing out on the future we had planned.
I can't bare the thought of him being with someone else.

I know I'll never find someone who I feel so intensely passionate about too. I've never had that feeling before or draw to someone. It was like the whole world stopped.

To me, and I'm no expert, your posts sound like he has been lovebombing you when things are going his way and then when you aren't responding the way he wants, he's tugging the leash to put you back in your place.

It's intense because you are constantly on with him, but then when things don't go his way it's drama.

If he breaks up because you didn't answer a text in an hour and a half - how is he going to deal with genuine problems?

Do yourself a favour and leave with dignity.

Do you think he rages at colleagues, friends and relations if they don’t reply to his messages within an hour?

And the making you put “I love you” on every single text is really weird.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt (and for the tonsillitis).

I've hidden all of my pictures of him - I can't delete them yet. I'm not ready.

He's unfollowed me on Instagram- but still has a picture of us on there.

This is horrendous.

I have just had a nice long chat with my DM. She's been amazing, as have you all.

She thinks he'll try to come back by next weekend as we're meant to be going away to an event together which he was very excited for.

I think she's wrong. I think that's obscurely is what hurts most - I don't think he'll bother.
If he did I would say the manipulation circle is happening and it would spur me on to see his abuse.

But i think I've just been discarded like I was nothing.

It’s not about you op.
You need to start to understand that.

OP, he is playing games and he wants you to feel discarded and upset.

Please please please rise above it and move on, you deserve so much better than this!

I genuinely don't think he is. I don't think he gives a shit is all.

I think he probably feels relief or 'next'.

I don't think my thoughts, feelings or emotions matter to him at all.

They don't.
What he wanted from you was undivided attention and adoration.
Any deviation and he turned nasty.

A bit like my cat really.

Discarded - you've identified exactly what is going on here. It's a cycle of abuse.

Can you see how similar this cycle is to his behaviour?

Lovebombing at the start - he's never felt this way right? He couldn't believe how lucky he was? He wanted marriage and a future with you and knew that really early on?

Then devalue - Manipulation, criticism and withholding are definite based on what you've said. Punishing you for not responding in what HE deems a correct timeframe, not liking it when you're busy, going quiet on you, threatening break ups as a kneejerk reaction to any issues rather than talking calmly...

Now you're in the discard stage. Suddenly he's disappeared.

Next is hoovering and you're right to expect he will pop up again. So keep him blocked and don't engage - that's the only way to break this cycle.

Can you see what a run of the mill, basic, textbook dickhead he is that he's basically ticking off the stages of this cycle one by one? Predictable and pathetic.

[quote toastedsandwiches]@Verfremdungseffekt as I said previously I have had very unhealthy relationships in the past. I have always been manipulated into feeling I am in the wrong, I over compensated with a pattern of guilt by my 'mistakes' and give everything that I have till I am empty.

I am trying to give a balanced view that he isn't all bad. As I can only give you my side. I'm sure if you asked him he would have his own interpretation of what happened.
Does that make sense? [/quote]
No ofense OP, but this relationship comes across as extremely unhealthy. Maybe you are still to see it that way.

Hope you can move away from him.

Congratulations, OP. It might take some time for you to realise then truly feel it but you failed your audition as a victim of coercive control and destruction by someone evil. Be careful as he might use this as a vehicle to undermine your judgement and reel you in later. Try to learn. Good luck.

Exactly.

You've been scammed OP.

www.truelovescam.com/

He's done everything by the book. The love bomb, the controlling, the discarding... Everything you feel for this man is love for what he's mirrored back to you - he pretended to have YOUR values and YOUR good qualities and that's what you fell in love with.

The man you thought you knew doesn't exist.

I'm sorry, OP. I know it's so hard. But you are doing the right thing - stay away from him and block, block, block.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Discarded - you've identified exactly what is going on here. It's a cycle of abuse.

Can you see how similar this cycle is to his behaviour?

Lovebombing at the start - he's never felt this way right? He couldn't believe how lucky he was? He wanted marriage and a future with you and knew that really early on?

Then devalue - Manipulation, criticism and withholding are definite based on what you've said. Punishing you for not responding in what HE deems a correct timeframe, not liking it when you're busy, going quiet on you, threatening break ups as a kneejerk reaction to any issues rather than talking calmly...

Now you're in the discard stage. Suddenly he's disappeared.

Next is hoovering and you're right to expect he will pop up again. So keep him blocked and don't engage - that's the only way to break this cycle.

Can you see what a run of the mill, basic, textbook dickhead he is that he's basically ticking off the stages of this cycle one by one? Predictable and pathetic.

When you get a min OP or if you're feeling tempted to contact him, please do take a look at this cycle to see how textbook this man is.

@toastedsandwiches

I know you are all right.

I have that hole in my gut feeling I can't bare to be without him. I can't bare the thought of missing out on the future we had planned.
I can't bare the thought of him being with someone else.

I know I'll never find someone who I feel so intensely passionate about too. I've never had that feeling before or draw to someone. It was like the whole world stopped.

Thats Trauma Bonding Op The rush, intese feelings as you go from ignored to loved, on/off. Its addictive. He has you hooked and hes doing this deliberately to manipulateyou. So you are up and down, unsure and trained to do what he wants.

I've managed another time not to contact him. I holding myself accountable on here. Sorry.

Tonight is going to be tough