Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

Neither of us are in our 20's or 30's.
It's actually humiliating how old we both are and how ridiculously childish this is.

I have constantly tried to remain calm and rational.
This did reek of how emotional charged an unhealthy relationship of mine had been in my late teen - early 20's.

@HollowTalk

I very much doubt that emotional numbness is a side-effect of codeine! That's just him not the medication.

. . . My thoughts too. OP, you two sound like children. You'll be constant breaking up, constantly arguing. He'll be constantly telling you, you don't dare about him, you'll be telling him I do care, I love you and trying to please him,

He knows he had a hold on you. He can treat you like crap and you stick around and keep coming back,

Is that saying still around.

Treat them mean, keep em keen,

How old are you two?

Jesus. Please block his number and take a couple of weeks to look after yourself and regain some perspective.

He is aggressive and controlling and manipulative. He's treated you so cruelly. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Throw this one back, and raise your standards for men to be in your life in future.

@HollowTalk

I very much doubt that emotional numbness is a side-effect of codeine! That's just him not the medication.

Yes! I have been on codeine and it hasn’t made me emotionally numb!! A bit spaced out, yes but has not stopped me caring about my loved ones.

Why so desperate to cling on to this person who you know is acting like an immature child?

Please do not waste any more of your life on this manipulative, controlling, callous man. You know it’s not right.

Ironically when I pointed out that he sometimes didn't respond to my texts he said it was - because he was driving, or at work, or asleep.

He's also questioned if I don't say I love you on every text. Not at the end of a conversation- every text.

Ugh

@toastedsandwiches

Ironically when I pointed out that he sometimes didn't respond to my texts he said it was - because he was driving, or at work, or asleep.

He's also questioned if I don't say I love you on every text. Not at the end of a conversation- every text.

. . . I'm out. OP. Dump his arse and move on. Rip off that rotten band aid.

@1MillionDollars

Why so desperate to cling on to this person who you know is acting like an immature child?

I have fallen (been pushed) very very hard. We've spent every moment possible together. It's very intense. It's absolutely wonderful when it's good. He's supported me through some really challenging things. I am lost and empty now.

You are all right. I know this.

That's why I'm here messaging you and preventing myself from contacting him.

*He blocks me and refuses to contact me when we row.

He had said originally we weren't breaking up but he'll never text me again.

But when I said that and hung up. I sent him a message saying he's never cared anyway. He had made that very obvious.
I got into bed - being ill.

Then he texted me - I do care*

Funny how they always seem to 'care' when they realise they are re losing control. There will be a cycle now, he'll try being nice and loving, then he'll get angry, then he'll beg, then he will promise you the moon on a stick, then the nasty will come out, he may even go through this cycle several times. But it's only to gain the upper hand again. Then he will be mr perfect again until he's reeled you back in and then the abuse will start again.

Sorry you're being put through this but I have to agree with PPs sounds like you are better off out of the relationship.

What stands out to to me is that you responded so strongly emotionally to someone with such problematic behaviours. Also, how quickly you agree with posters here that he is no good, while still pining for him.

Sounds like you need to find your own centre somehow, learn to feel complete on your own. Easier said than done, but it's never too late to try.

This guy sounds like incredibly hard work! Three words: not worth it.

Spend some time single, do the work you need to do on yourself to not accept this from men in the future and get over your past relationship trauma then level up.

I am totally and utterly in love with him - as bad as it may sound to you all. That is my heart speaking.

My head knows this is wrong and that I deserve better and that I have to do it.

They don't walk the same line though.
I need to get it in line.

So that's why I'm so messy.

When someone is as selfish as this, there is nothing, NOTHING you can or should do to support or aid them. It is a pathological selfishness that cannot be fixed with love or loyalty.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Of course he's perfect when he's not being a dick. It's the way these people work, they give you extreme highs, so when they are completely unreasonable and nasty you still want to please them. You'll find yourself constantly battling and walking on egg shells so you can have a Mr Perfect back again.

Text him back, tell him not to bother coming round and you agree with him, and that you should split up. It'll be the biggest favour you've ever done yourself

Exactly this.

God. I've been with someone like this, except the emotional abuse was worse. I truly LOVED that man. My family hated him because of what he did to me, but I would genuinely have walked away from them.

Needless to say, he broke up with me, I was devastated for a long time.

Now - 6 years later - I look back and think WTF was I doing?!? I'd completely changed as a person, he wore me down by gaslighting, lying and being aggressive. and it was all my fault apparently!

This man is using emotional manipulation to get you where he wants you. He's suffocating you. Seriously - get rid. Don't be the person I was.

I know it's utterly ridiculous
But my heart is actually breaking.

I know I need to get through this.
But I've been through so much pain I am struggling to keep on going with all the hurt.

I know it takes time.

you're in your 40's? run OP, run far away

This will get worse and worse

I am on the phone with him all day, texting or calling each other. Or we're together

This level of intensity really isn't healthy. Do neither of you work?

@toastedsandwiches

I am totally and utterly in love with him - as bad as it may sound to you all. That is my heart speaking.

My head knows this is wrong and that I deserve better and that I have to do it.

They don't walk the same line though.
I need to get it in line.

So that's why I'm so messy.

Then your question to yourself should be ‘Why do I believe I’m in love with someone who treats me so badly?’ And ‘Why do I fall over myself making excuses for a man who treats me badly to a bunch of strangers on the Internet who are pointing out that he treats me badly on the basis of what I’ve told them?’

Honestly, OP, this is one to explore with a therapist. He’s a symptom of something that needs sorting.

@difficultdayahead I know exactly what you mean. I have already given up on people. Horrifically I have gladly done it.

As mad as it sounds he's like drug and I'm the addict.

It’s not coincidence this happens when you’re ill. It’s pure manipulation.

@Platax

I am on the phone with him all day, texting or calling each other. Or we're together

This level of intensity really isn't healthy. Do neither of you work?

Yes he messages me when he gets to work after leaving in the morning, I respond. We message at his break 10am, we speak at lunch 1pm. On the way to our joint thing we do (outing) we do that together every day for and hour and a half. Then home together and that's it. We don't live together. But he stays 6 nights out of 7.