Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

I'm not being unkind. I know how traumatising this is. But I also see how you are still deceiving yourself and how that is laying the groundwork for you to get back with him.

I have empathy for your situation OP but you need to stop thinking about him and focus on yourself. Force yourself to shift your perspective, even just a tiny bit. It will help.

I think when you initially split with a narcissist there's just this... all consuming fear. Like you're on the verge of a panic attack or something. And it can be difficult to shake. When it gets particularly bad (eg: if he has texted you some bile and you are struggling not to reply) put your hands flat up against a flat surface (eg, lean forward on a wall) and slowly count to ten whilst focusing on taking deep calming breaths in and out.

You'll get through this op. I agree about the car being a power play. I had a narcissist female friend once who left all her stuff at her exs for weeks after he broke up with her 'because I wanted him to look at it and be constantly reminded of me and hurt'. It's what they do.

@pictish

In fact, do message him.

“Oi Norman Bates…come and get your car off my drive, ta.”

No need to say I love you.

Yup.

That car needs to be gone.
It's sitting there as the Ex's own personal little Dominance Display every time OP looks out of her window.

"Hi Ex
Your car is still on my drive.
Collect it by Tuesday, or it will be reported as abandoned & towed away."

& just be very careful to NOT enter into any discussion or back & forth about it - because you can bet your bottom dollar he'll use this as a gameplaying opportunity.

"As I said - remove it by Tuesday, or I'll get it removed myself. This isn't a negotiation or a discussion. Bye"

@TwatInTinFoil

If he lives close can a male relative knock in his door and ask him nicely to move the car?

This is a good idea. Apart from the "nicely".

A large male relative who knows how to assume a menacing demeanor would be much better.

That is crazy!
He has decided for you that your responding to facebook post not the text meant something terribly offensive, and you don't get to have a ''defence''?

That is so abusive of him. Telling you the meaning of your actions like you are not the judge of them.

I agree, it sounds like a narcissist's discard.

I went out with someone a bit like this, all my friends said he was probably bi-polar, and these were friends of mine that didn’t know each other, only me.

You have to block him. He’ll bring nothing but misery to your life in the end.

@toastedsandwiches

The awful thing is that the rest of the time he is actually perfect. The things he says. The things he does. How he made me feel.

This is the way they hook you in… it doesn’t last as it’s all a fake show to manipulate:(

@toastedsandwiches

Question for you all - part of narcissism- they blame their ex's for the break up - they are the reason the relationship failed. It was their poor behaviour and unreasonable actions - but that's what I think of my ex's.

So am I a narcissist? Because I know they will all have their story about what I did wrong - their excuses. So am I any better?

No I've not sworn at him, nor over reacted to something so small or ridiculous. I've not made him feel insignificant or walk on eggshells. But I'm not blameless entirely.
I've had drama and problems that he's had to deal with - beyond what is the average to be completely honest. It could be enough to drive the strongest away.

can i answer this question about how to know you're not a narcissist even if you know you were treated badly?

I can recognise that I was treated badly but also know that I tolerated that. I bent with the wind, I was a people pleaser. I hid all that FAIRLY WELL but the one person who will pick up on what you're successfully hiding from 95% of people is a narcissist.

i accept that I tolerated bad behaviour when I had a lower bar, low self-efficacy and an external locus of control, and I have taken responsibility for becoming more self-aware, more resilient, having a higher bar, acting like a person who deserves respect.

I wasn't perfect but I never, ever capitalised on the weaknesses of somebody who was weaker than I was.

Did you do that? I bet you did not.

@Pinkbonbon

I think when you initially split with a narcissist there's just this... all consuming fear. Like you're on the verge of a panic attack or something. And it can be difficult to shake. When it gets particularly bad (eg: if he has texted you some bile and you are struggling not to reply) put your hands flat up against a flat surface (eg, lean forward on a wall) and slowly count to ten whilst focusing on taking deep calming breaths in and out.

You'll get through this op. I agree about the car being a power play. I had a narcissist female friend once who left all her stuff at her exs for weeks after he broke up with her 'because I wanted him to look at it and be constantly reminded of me and hurt'. It's what they do.

Yes exactly this Pink. In my experience it is just like a panic attack looming

I am not loving the get a grip comments from some pp tbh. I have been in this situation. The word I used if I had to explain to people now, would be bereft. It was like my world was just swept from under my feet. And it's not only because of a breakup which is bad enough, it's a double whammy coming to grips with the fact that you've been manipulated / been a victim of emotional abuse.

OP, you do need to keep yourself busy, try get out and do something physical. Walk, hike, could you go to the gym... Anything physical will help you today. Then tomorrow you take it as it comes. Just day to day is OK for now.

I am not loving the get a grip comments from some pp tbh. I have been in this situation.

If you read back through the thread you'll see that I've been in this situation too and understand the level of trauma. As I said, I have empathy, but it's very important to be honest with yourself.

OP, you do need to keep yourself busy, try get out and do something physical. Walk, hike, could you go to the gym... Anything physical will help you today.

This is no different to what I've said in terms of encouraging OP to do something to change her perspective.

Op please don't play into his hands.
Narcs are all the same. I guarantee you he's giving you the silent treatment, making you suffer, ignored your message and deliberately making you feel like shit. Because he's a cunt! They all are. He's probably wooing some other poor cow now, filling her head with crap saying she's beautiful. Then after a while when he's bored he will come back to you. Try and hoover you back in. But the best thing you can do, even if you have to fight it in every part of your body is to ignore him, find your strength.
These arseholes suck the life out of us. The one in my life text me randomly one afternoon and said are we finished babe? Are we done? And me being the idiot begged and pleaded with him to not do this.... I should have just blocked him there and then and not even said a word. He got angry with me because I wouldn't send a video of myself doing something rude when he knows I have stuff going on in my life. Because he's always horny. Then a few days later phoned me with the illusion of being supportive but I know it's just words. You will get over him. He will never be happy but you can be. You have been given a lot of good advice. I know how hard that trauma bond gets you and I had never even slept with him.

Did he get his car?

How you feeling? xxxx

@HollowTalk

I very much doubt that emotional numbness is a side-effect of codeine! That's just him not the medication.

This! My ds has just had his entire spine wiired straight and has been on a ton of morphine & then codeine amongst other things. Emotional numbness is not a side-effect. He is manipulating you. He dropped the mask for a while when he was in pain, this should worry you, this is who he is.

@toastedsandwiches

I'm not sure how I feel now. A little empty.

I managed to get through work without incident. I saw a friend for half an hour this afternoon, promptly burst into tears, but didn't divulge or dwell.

I seem to be permanently just on the very precipice of sobbing.

I've had a catch up with one of my best friends which helped. She's been absolutely lovely.

I did text - I know you all said don't.

But I'm so glad I did. He saw it. He ignored it.

And now I know.
I feel I can take a strap forward. By myself.

I don't care if he laughs. I don't care if he mocks me. I don't care if he shows the world.

I know that he didn't care.

I feel ready to delete his number.

I feel ready to block him.

I feel ready to try to mourn the end of my dream.

All through this thread you have been setting yourself up for him to return. You have made pronouncements asserting that 'if he does this it will mean this...', 'if he ignores this text it means he doesn't care', 'he didn't reply so I know he doesn't care'... It sets you up to say, if he doesn't do the thing, if he replies to the text, if he somehow breaks your assertions it must mean he cares. You are still holding out for him to come back. Block him, don't text him, throw his stuff out, delete all the photos ( properly), delete his details from your phone. I really don't believe that you are allowing yourself to let go. I've been through this with a friend in the past and you sound just the same. He's a nasty piece of work and he has treated you like an idiot. Let go, OP, please let go.

Another voice to encourage you to let go

Take your time to grieve what you thought you had found and find acceptance of what it is. The sooner you start ....

Where is the OP? Wondering if she has gone back to him

Ach she was always going to. All the best to her. MN will be here in the future too.

Thinking of you, OP

I feel ready to try to mourn the end of my dream.

That is depressing. He's not your dream, or your Prince, he's a twat who tests your love by demanding responses and gets irritated with you when you're unwell. He is a frog.

Hopefully she sees sense eventually. This is how the one in my life talks to me. Left on read for 3 hours then got sorry as a reply

He's been worrying that I'm going to leave him for someone else - no idea why? I am on the phone with him all day, texting or calling each other. Or we're together.

Projecting much!

He is abusive, keep him gone, honestly he has been love bombing you, and now the insecurity dumping all the time. fuck that - you will be in shreds by the time he’s done.

@bebarkered

Where is the OP? Wondering if she has gone back to him

Of course she has. It may take her years but she'll be back when she's ready.

I never write on these threads. Never know what to say. This has made me so sad though.
Poor OP, I hope so much that you can find the strength to free yourself from this awful man, and from whatever it is inside you that makes you feel you deserve to be treated so badly. I really hope you are ok, or will be ok one day soon.