Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

Re. The reason why relationships with extreme highs and lows seem such a strong hook its called 'intermittent reinforcement'. I looked it up after ending something really bad. It ends up addicting you to chasing the dopamine rewards

@Verfremdungseffekt as I said previously I have had very unhealthy relationships in the past. I have always been manipulated into feeling I am in the wrong, I over compensated with a pattern of guilt by my 'mistakes' and give everything that I have till I am empty.

I am trying to give a balanced view that he isn't all bad. As I can only give you my side. I'm sure if you asked him he would have his own interpretation of what happened.
Does that make sense?

It sounds as if he maybe love bombed you in the beginning.

Well you're speaking sense, your heart needs to get in line with your head.

You'll get there eventually, you've got to get thru this bit till you do.

You've definitely built up the crush into a fantasy which has not worked out.

He's not a nice person.

Sometimes people are just not nice.

Keep posting here, change your behaviour.

His hasn't and won't change.

He sounds like a bloody drama llama.

How gross.

He’s a total a weirdo - intense passion is also a huge red flag in any relationship. It clouds your judgement and will make you accept unacceptable behaviour.

You really don’t need another person, especially a man, to make you feel whole. You’re perfectly good enough on your own.

Honestly, the rollercoaster with intense highs and lows can feel like love but it’s really very different to healthy love. It’s more about desire, anxiety, fear, relief when the good times come, intensity and obsession. And that is coming from you as well as him - you say you’ve tried to be rational but you’re framing things like he is the grand love of your life.

You say things like you thought he was ‘the one’ and your missing part, that he’s perfect (except for when he behaves so terribly to you). The way you are viewing it puts a grand narrative of perfect love onto what sounds like actually a very up and down, unstable relationship- which has only been going on for 12 months.

How many times has he actually ‘broken up’ with you? It sounds like a lot and is a sure sign of an immature and toxic interaction. You’re grown adults into your 40s (and beyond?) and he’s breaking up with you like a moody teenager over not replying to a text.

i’m sorry but this isn’t a perfect ‘the one’ relationship, it’s a toxic one where you’re both behaving like angsty teenagers. Giving everything until you are empty is completely unhealthy and an actual good man would run a mile from this sort of ‘all or nothing’ toxic mindset of yours.

I think you need to spend some time alone and in therapy if all your relationships have been bad and unhealthy because you’re right back in another one and you can’t seem to really see it - clinging instead to a romantic notion of who this man is vs the reality.

[quote toastedsandwiches]@Verfremdungseffekt as I said previously I have had very unhealthy relationships in the past. I have always been manipulated into feeling I am in the wrong, I over compensated with a pattern of guilt by my 'mistakes' and give everything that I have till I am empty.

I am trying to give a balanced view that he isn't all bad. As I can only give you my side. I'm sure if you asked him he would have his own interpretation of what happened.
Does that make sense? [/quote]
Oh, @toastedsandwiches, I’m not blaming you, but look how defensive of him you are. I’m sure it’s not all bad — if it were, you wouldn’t have been so well-trained into compliance. But do listen to all the people pointing out that this man is bad for you. Ultimately it doesn’t matter why, but he ditches you when you’re ill and insufficiently responsive to him — that is not the behaviour of someone in a healthy, loving, usually-respectful relationship.

You’re right to think of it as drug and addict. But the drug is a bad thing, even if you crave it. Especially if you crave it.

@toastedsandwiches

The awful thing is that the rest of the time he is actually perfect. The things he says. The things he does. How he made me feel.

But which is the real him, and which is the one he pretends to be to hook you in?

On his way round to your house while you are ill in bed with tonsilitis, "livid" because you'd responded to a post on FB but not replied to a text message that didn't even require an answer. Who the fuck does he think he is? It is clear that he means to train you and to keep you in a constant state of second-guessing yourself.

Just block the silly bastard's number in your phone. Enough of this drama.

love bombing, high intensity, and I bet he gives your orgasms that probably a whole bunch of previous couldnt/didnt. that combination creates some heady hormonal emotions. Its not love. this is dangerous territory and he is not a good man.

You've been in an abusive relationship with this man for a year.

Please don't date anyone again until you've had some counselling to help you be more prepared for relationships and to only have healthy ones in future.

You say you have a history of unhealthy ones and that means it's likely you have poor boundaries and have had low expectations - that gets worse over time the more bad relationships we have as we think there's nothing 'better' out there.

But being single is infinitely better than being abused. And if you aren't planning on having children then that gives you more time to invest in yourself before dating again, without feeling the pressure of fertility stuff.

Please focus on you now.

Hope you feel better soon.
Tonsillitis is truly awful.

It’s not your heart speaking, it’s codependent intensity and trauma bonding speaking.

@Incredibad

It’s not your heart speaking, it’s codependent intensity and trauma bonding speaking.

Well even that is hurting.

@Gin4thewin4

Hope you feel better soon. Tonsillitis is truly awful.

Thank you. I get it when run down and do get very ill with it.

I will admit to start to down play it with him as it seemed to trigger him.

Of course it’s hurting, @toastedsandwiches. The way you would expect it to hurt if you were detoxing from a drug addiction. Be kind to yourself.

I am on the phone with him all day, texting or calling each other. Or we're together

What? Don't you have jobs? How do you find all this time to waste?

@toastedsandwiches

It wasn't to punish me for being ill. It was because I didn't see the text. I was because I didn't care enough to check to see if he had texted me.

oh FFS he is manipulating you. Dump NOW

another MN standard and a good one. When someone shows you who they REALLY are, believe them.

Not RTFT

I have that hole in my gut feeling I can't bare to be without him.
You will live and you can bear to be without him. It will just take time.

I can't bare the thought of missing out on the future we had planned.
That future was never going to happen. Of course you can bear the thought.

I can't bare the thought of him being with someone else.
She wonn't put up with him for long.

What a cruel man. Keep strong, it is awful to feel like this and I think most of us know how it feels. But honestly, this is truly a good thing. That future was smoke and mirrors, nothing substantial and real. Something this manipulative and controlling can never lead to happy ever after, you know that. And this level of intensity is not good! Yes, love people, but when it gets like that you cannot see anymore.

‘ The awful thing is that the rest of the time he is actually perfect. The things he says. The things he does.
How he made me feel.’

^^
Says anyone whose been in an abusive relationship, ever. He has given you test after test, and it’ll just get worse.
Don’t contact him again.

OP this wasn't a great relationship. Yes you may have had some really funny and lovely passionate times but he is actually abusive.

Twice he has finished you when you are ill. ( my ex used to be a total arse when I was ill.)

He finishes you when you have a disagreement - this will get worse if you get back to gather and you will end up walking on egg shells - especially if he asks you to marry him as it will hang over you as a threat.

He switches his behaviour over small misunderstanding - this is controlling.

Its going to emotionally hurt like hell but honestly this guy is a head fuck. You are better off with out him.

I have that hole in my gut feeling I can't bare to be without him

this is because he has effectively filled your every bit of brain space with his constant presence and messaging. He hasnt allowed you to NOT be thinking about him 24/7 and, as youve seen, if your attention is elsewhere for a moment, then he is furious.

This is about control. not love. It takes only 2 weeks to create a new habit, and almost like a drug, he has made your mind centring HIM all of the time your habit. after a year you are well and truly addicted.

you need to go cold turkey. Turn your phone off while you recover physically and then remember the things and the people you used to enjoy before he took over your every waking moment, and reconnect the feel good elsewhere

Im reading all your posts OP and struggling to work out if you are on a wind up?

Read them all back yourself.

If you are being serious then it must be because hes done a right number on you and made you believe you haven't felt this intensity or connection before because that's what head f%#'s do. They convince you they are beginning and ending of your world.

the rest of the time he is actually perfect
If you were given a cake where some of it was shit and some of it was perfect what would you do wih it.

You don't love this man, you love what you think he is.
He's a nasty piece of shit