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Original poster

Need to not message him

400 replies

toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:07

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

OP posts:
PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 04/11/2021 08:29

@pictish

You don’t have a missing part…at least, not one that can be filled by a man. No one completes us.
This!

OP he’s done you a favour. Block him on everything and feel better soon Flowers

1MillionDollars · 04/11/2021 08:31

Jesus, this guy is a nightmare.

You are ill and he's upset you didn't see or txt him back.

He might make you feel good, but he's making you feel bad about the tiniest things. He'll chip away at you until you are afraid not to txt him back at any time within a time he has designated.

Think about his behaviour. Is it reasonable behaviour, do you and should you put up with it. There are a 1000 people who will treat you better than this.

pictish · 04/11/2021 08:32

@toastedsandwiches

It wasn't to punish me for being ill. It was because I didn't see the text. I was because I didn't care enough to check to see if he had texted me.
Yes, he’s an arsehole. He doesn’t care if you’re ill…he just wants your full attention.
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 04/11/2021 08:34

Yes this. Hes trying to tie you in knots mentally to make it all about him when he should be checking you're ok

pictish · 04/11/2021 08:35

If he was ill with tonsillitis would you behave this way? Why not?

Mistlewoeandwhine · 04/11/2021 08:35

He sounds awful. Imagine if you’d got pregnant to him. He’d have made your life hell. Never text him and never go near him again. He’s unkind, abusive and a rotten bastard.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:36

I know you are all right.

I have that hole in my gut feeling I can't bare to be without him. I can't bare the thought of missing out on the future we had planned.
I can't bare the thought of him being with someone else.

I know I'll never find someone who I feel so intensely passionate about too. I've never had that feeling before or draw to someone. It was like the whole world stopped.

OP posts:
IknowwhatIneed · 04/11/2021 08:36

How long between him sending the text and him being angry about you not seeing it? Not that he should be angry with you anyway, but just how short a leash does he gave you on if you’re always either communicating with him or physically present with him.

Do yourself a favour and leave him be.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:36

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

Yes this. Hes trying to tie you in knots mentally to make it all about him when he should be checking you're ok
He had dropped around earlier to bring me medicine.
OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:37

@Mistlewoeandwhine

He sounds awful. Imagine if you’d got pregnant to him. He’d have made your life hell. Never text him and never go near him again. He’s unkind, abusive and a rotten bastard.
We didn't want children. Both made the decision before we got together.
OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 04/11/2021 08:37

@pictish is completely right.

He is manipulative: everytime there is an issue he dumps you - training you not to raise issues! Do you plead with him tp come back? Apologise for bringing up the issue? Apologise for thongs you didn't do wrong just tp get him back? You have to talk him.down from his mood, which means he's incapable of emotion self-regulation. He's an emotional toddler and
you are falling into the role of his emotional mother.

He is paranoid: things you pretend to be sick to manipulate him. He should be concerned and caring, but instead he's tying you up in knots when you're ill. You have tonsillitis and he is making it about him because you didn't reply to ONE test. One fucking text when your in bed feeling fucking awful! Wtf.

He is jealous and controlling by pretending he thinks you're going to leave him: you are spending all your time either contacting him or with him to try and reassure him. What about seeing your friends? What about time for yourself?

Spot making excuses for him. You had a bad relationship previously too. Are you treating him like shit? No! He is using his previous relationship as a reason to treat you like shit. He is actively choosing to treat you like shit because of his past. Whereas you are actively choosing to deal with your past in a mature manner.

I'd suggest you read up on future faking, manipulation, mirroring and control as well as shark cages (cos you're missing yours) . He's flying numerous huge red flags.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:40

@pictish

If he was ill with tonsillitis would you behave this way? Why not?
No, I wouldn't.

He was on some very string medication about 6 months ago when he had a bad back - codeine - it made him emotionally numb. He became very cold and said he felt nothing for me or anything. He pushed and pushed me away. But I stayed and fought as I clicked it was the mess. He came off them and was fine after 24 hours.

OP posts:
pictish · 04/11/2021 08:42

Well he wasn’t lying. He doesn’t feel anything for you. The fuss over the text makes that clear.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:44

@IknowwhatIneed

How long between him sending the text and him being angry about you not seeing it? Not that he should be angry with you anyway, but just how short a leash does he gave you on if you’re always either communicating with him or physically present with him.

Do yourself a favour and leave him be.

An hour and a half. His point was as he posted the Facebook message at the same time and I responded to that not the text. His text was to say the person he was waiting for was on the way around and he'd see me soon.
OP posts:
Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:45

@pictish

Well he wasn’t lying. He doesn’t feel anything for you. The fuss over the text makes that clear.
Exactly what I said to him.
OP posts:
Potterurotter · 04/11/2021 08:47

God run for the hills. He manipulates you not the other way around. Get rid this is not your man he will seek to destroy your well-being and sanity with his controlling behaviour get out now. Behaviour like this because of a text it’s not a proportionate reaction hes testing you and in a sense training you for what’s to come. Ditch even if he looks like Brad Pitt!

IknowwhatIneed · 04/11/2021 08:47

What the hell - even if I wasn’t ill the chances of me seeing and responding to a text in that space of time would be slim. Can’t you not see how utterly unreasonable he’s being - and leave him. The future you planned together would be characterised by him controlling you, constantly keeping you unbalanced, worrying about when he’s going to leave. You deserve peace and security.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 04/11/2021 08:47

Of course he's perfect when he's not being a dick. It's the way these people work, they give you extreme highs, so when they are completely unreasonable and nasty you still want to please them. You'll find yourself constantly battling and walking on egg shells so you can have a Mr Perfect back again.

Text him back, tell him not to bother coming round and you agree with him, and that you should split up. It'll be the biggest favour you've ever done yourself

frozendaisy · 04/11/2021 08:48

Oh god how can you fancy this?

If a woman on here said "well I dumped him because he didn't answer my text for over an hour whilst ill in bed" can you imagine?

Tell him to shove his fucking text messages up his ass.

GrumpyTerrier · 04/11/2021 08:49

OP, from the outside this relationship doesn't sound as good as you make it out to be. He pushes you away and is mean to you, possessive and controlling. If you were 16 then maybe such behaviour would be more usually but I'm assuming you are not.

Sometimes the attachment feels stronger when the relationship is not secure-- you feel more 'in love' and bowled over by the good times. I don't know why this is but I've experienced it a few times.

He is either not a good person, or is way too emotionally immature to handle a relationship.

Also, you don't have a missing part, another person cant make you whole, or make the world stop. This is infatuation talking, the 'in-love' part rather than the proper love that is the foundation of a lasting day to to day relationship.

I'm sure he will try to make you come crawling to him-- you need to decide if you want to do that. In this stranger's view, you deserve much better.

1MillionDollars · 04/11/2021 08:49

This guy is all over the shop and putting you all over the shop.

How old are both of you. If your early 20's I'll factor that in. I've been a jealous, insecure nightmare at times and not proud of many behaviours, I've learnt that about myself and can recognise it now.

It's seems like such an up and down relationship and after a year it should have settled now and be running like finely tuned car that needs a little servicing now and again.

This car seems to be in the garage all the time.

Original poster
toastedsandwiches · 04/11/2021 08:51

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent I told him I deserve better and put the phone down.

He blocks me and refuses to contact me when we row.

He had said originally we weren't breaking up but he'll never text me again.

But when I said that and hung up. I sent him a message saying he's never cared anyway. He had made that very obvious.
I got into bed - being ill.

Then he texted me - I do care.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/11/2021 08:52

I very much doubt that emotional numbness is a side-effect of codeine! That's just him not the medication.

WatieKatie · 04/11/2021 08:54

Tonsillitis can be nasty OP.

At a time when you’re poorly you need support, not this. He’s cruel. Move on. However difficult.

User310 · 04/11/2021 08:54

This just sounds like an immature male. I very much doubt he will improve so I think you will have to get used to the emotional outbursts and behaving like a teenager.