Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

He's hoping for more texts from you, probably begging forgiveness and then he'll 'forgive' you and things will return to how they are.

If this wasn't about control he would have taken his car by now.

I get that it was a joint decision to see esch other so much but its so unhealthy in a relationship to do that as well as having the same hobby as you basically just become one person.
Will you be able to do your hobby elsewhere or just go back to the usual place?

Trust me OP you do not want to be with a man who would do this.
My ex husband used to finish me, out of the blue, over text, multiple times in early days. He came back to me shortly after and I fell in love all over again always excusing the behaviour because "we were young". A few years went by, we had a baby, he proposed, we got married, I fell pregnant... I thought I was so loved and had such an exciting future. Then he left me out of the blue 5 months pregnant and it has completely shook my whole life. Looking back now... he was always gonna do this to me, I can see it. He would always question our relationship during arguments, he was so up and down with his emotions and ambitions. I wish I'd seen it sooner. Now I have to share my sons with this absolute arse who did this to me :(
You do not deserve this OP. You will feel like shit for a while yes, but in the long run you will be happier ♥️

OP in the nicest possible way, you need to stop wallowing in this self pity and stop being so dramatic about it all. You remind me of my brother. This is the kind of over thinking and dramatic way he lives his life. Its draining and I just want to give him a slap and tell him to get a grip sometimes.

OP, you deserve so much better than this sort of relationship. I hope you can step away and soon you’ll feel a lot more peaceful in your head.

If I had to guess, he’s punishing you. You say he finished it, but you were the one who said you deserved better and hung up. He is teaching you a lesson by ignoring you and leaving his car there. He is making sure you have to keep thinking about him. He is waiting for you to apologise and beg and learn your place. Then you will be a bit less of yourself and more compliant in future.

I hope you manage to find the strength to step away from this relationship now and not play into his games.

OP I've just read your whole post and it's like deja vu... I went cold after most of your posts. Its what I would have written 2 years ago.

Even down to the doubting yourself if you are the narcissistic one.

You are not.

But, he will try to come back on the scene after his NC with you now. He think he gets the right to be more hurt but you. He was waiting for that text so that he can punish you more by not responding.

I say it's ok he's done that as its made you see that what everyone here is saying is exactly what is going on. He's an abuser and he is doing every single thing that many of us have been through. He will no doubt leave his car there a while too, so that you are on edge about just when he will collect it.

So, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I took it hard when we did split up and it took a while to get over it. In fact I took this breakup harder than my marriage breakdown. I think it's just how they manage to get under your skin, (and the love bombing) that makes it more difficult. But you WILL get through it. Just give yourself time, cry, be angry and what ever else you need to do. Hopefully you will be in angry mode when he tries to get in touch with you again. And so you can shut him down easier than you would be able to right now.

BTW we are also older, so I do get that part as it seems ridiclous at our age to be feeling like we've been dumped like a teenager.

My exdp got a message though to me not so long ago telling me that I should know that was the one that got away, and that he will never meet anyone like me again, and I must know I will have been his last ever girlfriend. 18 months later. I ignored it.

. You will get there OP. Keep posting here. Many of us have been where you are right now.

Still want to see him. Still want to call.

What am I meant to do? I can't keep this up. I feel permanently sick, shaking, can't eat or sleep.

Seriously, you need to distract yourself. It sounds like you're still obsessing about this even at work. You need to concentrate hard on your work, arrange to see friends, think about other activities to do outside the house and in that will really occupy your mind.

@toastedsandwiches

I know all of this. I know every single bit of this. But then I still sit there and think maybe he's turning this over and over in his head feeling absolutely wretched thinking he mustn't contact me too. Thinking that there's been so much up and down and that he needs to protect himself.

So then I think of what I have done to cause this - I'm not completely blameless. Yes the whole texting when I was ill was utterly ridiculous.

So right I think of the other reasons we rowed.
Because he thought I rolled my eyes one time.
Refusing to get my name right - and knowing.
Sulking for days when he thought I found another man attractive.
Punishing me for my past relationships- despite his having vastly more.
Dumping me for asking him if it was ok if I wore shorts - the same ones I wore when we met.
Saying I was vain for having videos or selfies in my phone - not even posted, where his sm is loads of him.
Getting angry and nearly storming out of the house when he thought I was being sarcastic. - I wasn't.
Going through my phone and questioning everything- and when I explain or even when I explain unprompted- I didn't ask - you don't have to tell me.
If I told a story or something had happened I'd start and he'd tell me 'hurry up get to the point' straight away.
He got angry about a sex dream about me.
He'd get cross if I told him about stress at work. He ask and when I said he'd get cross.
He picked apart my friends if I ever said anything he perceived as negative.
When I finished work early one day and went home 3 as opposed to 4. He said you're not very reliable are you doing as you say. When I said I went home for the dog - he said He was just joking.
I sent him a meme about love he didn't understand- he got so angry.
He said he wasn't stressed about clothes I wore - a big thing of my ex - when first started dating - but when I got comments - from a woman in a shop for example- I have those boots they look better on you kind of thing. He then started calling them slut welly's (they're not).
He said I used long words that he doesn't get.
Telling me to Fuck off when he was angry.
The whole 4 days of being on codeine and pushing me away.
Always biting at me on a Tuesday and being short tempered.

But then conversely he was always so complimentary. Only a few times has he ever said anything to pull me up and they were genuinely in jest.

I'm so bloody tired. What am going to do with myself.
I can't drag people into look after me. It's so bloody humiliating to be going through another messy, nasty break up.

He said he can't bare all the drama- but he seems to be the catalyst for all of it.

OMG. This is horrendous. You need to get back in the freedom program. You walked straight into another abusive relationship with this guy 😧

@Thatsplentyjack

OP in the nicest possible way, you need to stop wallowing in this self pity and stop being so dramatic about it all. You remind me of my brother. This is the kind of over thinking and dramatic way he lives his life. Its draining and I just want to give him a slap and tell him to get a grip sometimes.

Harsh but fair.

You are mooning over this piece of shit like you’ve lost a limb, not a year.

He’s no good. He’s not your saviour, your soulmate or the last chance for a happy life. He’s a fucking black hole who has manipulated and abused you. He doesn’t deserve to be longed for like this.

Try to separate the fantasy you have been encouraged to cultivate about him and focus what has actually happened. I mean that kindly. X

He's leaving the car there deliberately to keep you on edge.

In fact, do message him.

“Oi Norman Bates…come and get your car off my drive, ta.”

No need to say I love you.

Stop giving him excuses. He’s an absolute wanker. Nice men are out there, the type that would actually give a shit about you when you’re ill.

I’d say lucky escape but this tosspot will be back.

Him not collecting his car when he lives nearby and has no reason not to is an actual act of aggression, OP.

Actually I think I might be tempted to message him and say 'if you haven't arranged to collect the car by 4pm, it will be reported as abandoned'. Or that you will have it towed at his expense.

Take control, it gives the impression that you don't give a shit about what he has done.

I know you are ill but can you be out for the day?

The fact that you've 'fallen hard' is a red flag in itself.

He's punishing you and leaving you hanging by not moving the car. I agree one text saying you will get it towed unless it's gone by a certain time. Then try and go out that day.

If he lives close can a male relative knock in his door and ask him nicely to move the car?

Agree with pp, you need to find a way to stop obsessing about his feelings and distract yourself. He doesn't care about you and he is absolutely fine. So stop thinking about him and focus on yourself.

Meet up with a friend for lunch. Go for a drive or a walk somewhere. Call someone you haven't spoken to for a while. Don't talk about him! Watch a funny film. Work out. Read a book. Cook a lovely meal. Buy yourself a fab new top/bag/pair of shoes. Whatever it is that makes you smile, do that today and ban yourself from thinking about this loser. You have to get stronger and stop wallowing in self pity. You are only doing that so you can justify getting back with him, because it was just so awful without him, etc. Woman up and have a good day, without him.

It's still early days - you are allowed to feel sad... I don't like this 'woman up' nonsense really.

I was upset for months after a similar shortish relationship....I never thought I'd be able to stop the thoughts of him.

I found it helpful to know what you are experiencing is completely normal and find others who understand abusive relationships.

Hope you are okay today x

Thank you @TwatInTinFoil, I don't know how I am to be honest.

I am trying to do all the things I should - distract, keep busy, not talk about him, not think about him.
But it is hard - how do I switch off my brain.
I've even taken to leaving the tv on at night to stop my busy brain.

Trust me if I could switch this off I would!

Be as sad as you like, OP, but just don’t lose sight of the fact that the thing you’re mourning was and is bad for you. Think of it as like detoxing from a drug.

@pictish, lol..that made me laugh.

Op, I thought immediately that you're dealing with a narcissist. It takes longer to recover after a narcisstic relationship but you must maintain NC as it's akin to cold turkey.

It's often said that when we're in a relationship with a narcissist we fall in love with ourselves as they reflect and mirror us. It's why it's so powerful and feels like soulmate stuff.

Like you I was watchful for red flags but what you're forgetting is that he knew you for a year beforehand, in that time he would have picked up your traits. Narcissists have learned over a lifetime how to mirror and manipulate people, it's often instinctive.

Any kindness is because he enjoyed the reaction from you and it kept you under his control. If he was nasty all of the time control wouldn't have worked. They are masters at making the highs, high but the lows are very low. The previous sulking were tests to see how much control he had.

The car is definitely a ruse to hoover you. However I suspect his decision to end is also because he is likely to have someone else lined up, maybe not completely but narcissists are never without options.

What was his childhood and past relationships like?

But it is hard - how do I switch off my brain

It is just time and distraction. Throw yourself into anything that distracts your brain.

@toastedsandwiches

This still isn't letting up. Still feeling wretched. Still want to see him. Still want to call.

What am I meant to do? I can't keep this up. I feel permanently sick, shaking, can't eat or sleep.

The card still there. I have his stuff. Not heard a word about that.

I know he's not interested.

He literally lives 5 minutes away from me - there's no excuse not to get his car. He doesn't do anything all weekend.

Now wondering if he's ok?

This is not normal This is the aftermath of the trauma of being in a relationship with a narcissist

He doesn't care about you. He wants you to feel like this so you do everything to pacify him when he comes back to you and you don't step out of line again.

This is a cycle and it will go on for years unless you do something about it now!

The first time my narc left I was walking around the streets sobbing trying to phone him in my pj's and dressing gown I was distraught - this is a reaction to a narcissists discard.

Its a cycle that never stops until you wise up and ger strong and realise they are monsters in a shell of a human.