Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

[quote toastedsandwiches]@difficultdayahead I know exactly what you mean. I have already given up on people. Horrifically I have gladly done it.

As mad as it sounds he's like drug and I'm the addict. [/quote]
You probably are addicted. Look up 'limerence' and see if anything clicks with you.

He's broken up with me over it.

You have had a really, really lucky escape OP.

You've read the coercive control threads on here.
Imagine how this would have panned out if you got entangled with him with living arrangements & finances.

Of course you are reeling, & hurt.
Take some time to be very kind to yourself. Grieve for the man you thought he was, for the relationship you thought you had, for the dreams of a future you thought you had.

If you waver, come here & find & read some terrifying & tragic threads about abusive partners & husbands. Then congratulate yourself that you found out what your Ex is before he did you any real damage.

Also - please, PLEASE beware Hoovering.
I have a feeling that once he feels he's trained you with that little performance, he will want you back to heel, suitably chastened, & willing to tolerate shit so as not to "lose" him again.
You know how that would escalate, right?

lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

& btw - here is nothing wrong with whatever you feel over he next couple of weeks. Rollercoaster emotions, here you come ... that's all fine. You have been hoodwinked, & emotionally bashed over the head in a dark alley. Take your time to let all those horrible feelings settle while you process what a lucky woman you are to have found out that your Ex is an abusive twat.

If you get tempted to text him - or if he contacts you to Hoover you back in - KEEP POSTING HERE INSTEAD.

[quote toastedsandwiches]@pictish no I don't thinks so.
Every time we have an issue his go to is to end it.
I've had to speak him down out of his mood.

I think it's a hang over from his poor relationships previously- he's defensive and has a natural reaction to leave. [/quote]
It isn't, OP.

He isn't defensive & playing brinkmanship games due to poor past relationships.

He has had poor past relationships due to his 'defensiveness' (ie aggressive tactics) & playing brinkmanship games.

"I'll leave you if I don't get exactly my own way" is hardly a recommendation of a kind, accommodating, respectful man, is it?

[quote toastedsandwiches]@pictish no I don't thinks so.
Every time we have an issue his go to is to end it.
I've had to speak him down out of his mood.

I think it's a hang over from his poor relationships previously- he's defensive and has a natural reaction to leave. [/quote]
It's not a hang-up from prior relationships. Abusers like it when you make excuses like that for them so they often plant those seeds early on. He is training you to jump every time he says to.

Even if there was a reason for his behaviour, it is not an excuse. Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

@pictish

It’s not defensive, it’s aggressive. He’s not like that because he loves you, he’s like that because he wants to control you. It’s entirely self-serving.

Cross-post.

OP - please listen to the wise @pictish

I know you think I'm being naive but I know he won't Hoover.
I know he's just cut me off dead.
There won't be any texts or calls.
He'll come get his stuff.

He'll move on to the next.

@toastedsandwiches

It wasn't to punish me for being ill. It was because I didn't see the text. I was because I didn't care enough to check to see if he had texted me.

Wake up, Toasted.

Why do you think punishing you for not seeing a text is "better" than punishing you for being ill?

@toastedsandwiches

I know you think I'm being naive but I know he won't Hoover. I know he's just cut me off dead. There won't be any texts or calls. He'll come get his stuff.

He'll move on to the next.

Probably wants you to beg and plead and raise his ego. Don't!

He wants you stressing out and hurting.
You're well shot of the dickhead.

@toastedsandwiches

The awful thing is that the rest of the time he is actually perfect. The things he says. The things he does. How he made me feel.

Nobody is perfect. In the Love Bombing phase, he was likely manipulating your feelings with mirroring.

While you are laid up, start reading up on this, as well as the abuse cycle - Idealise / Devalue / Discard.

You are currently in the Discard phase.
It's clear he's done similar before, (you chase after him, he 'relents' - i.e. reinforces his training of you) so you are a few cycles into this abusive pattern.

Get wised up on this. The odd thing is - once you have seen the pattern, you can't unsee it - because they ALL follow the same 'Script'. Hence so many PP's on your thread popping up to rightly scream "monsters!" "it's behind you!" RUN!!" - because we've been there, done that, & can spot The Script from 1000 yards.

Here's some bedtime reading to get you started, & get well soon!

thebetteryouinstitute.com/2021/04/01/love-bombing-the-narcissistic-abuse-cycle/

He's waiting on you to reach out and beg for forgiveness. Expect a casual 'how are you' text in the coming days.

I am about 90% certain that he will come crawling back once he's realised that he's not in control any more.

However toxic the relationship was, it will still leave a HUGE hole in his life.

What you need to decide is how you will respond when he does. Keep your emotional strength up. You deserve so much more than this manipulative, selfish, abusive arsehole.

Ps. This behaviour that's triggered by you being ill is because you are now above him in the pecking order of attention. He sounds chronically insecure.

@toastedsandwiches

I know you are all right.

I have that hole in my gut feeling I can't bare to be without him. I can't bare the thought of missing out on the future we had planned.
I can't bare the thought of him being with someone else.

I know I'll never find someone who I feel so intensely passionate about too. I've never had that feeling before or draw to someone. It was like the whole world stopped.

Arrrrrgh.

It's never felt like this before because you haven't felt Trauma Bonding before. SPOILER - it is not love.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

He will Hoover, they always do, might not be tonight or next week. Sometimes it might be a month or so before. My ex, who sounds v similar to yours would sometimes leave it up to 2 months before trying. I was awful as I got sucked back in several times

@toastedsandwiches

I know you think I'm being naive but I know he won't Hoover. I know he's just cut me off dead. There won't be any texts or calls. He'll come get his stuff.

He'll move on to the next.

Let him. You deserve better. Don't settle.

@pictish

You don’t have a missing part…at least, not one that can be filled by a man. No one completes us.

This. That's what I hate the term 'other half' fuck that- I'm a whole by myself

I think things have ended for the best, if this is his behaviour 1 year into your relationship, then what is it going to be like 5 years in? He does sound controlling and emotionally abusive (especially threatening to leave you every time there’s a problem).

He will be back and his excuse will be he was so heartbroken at the way you ended it (cos you will get the blame) he hasn't been able to think, eat, sleep blah blah but he can't bear to be apart from you any longer and needs to fight to win you back 🙄 and probably in time for the event he's so excited for....

I will admit to start to down play it with him as it seemed to trigger him.

Your illness triggers him because when you are ill you are considering your own needs.
he does not like that.
Your role - as his chattel - is to only consider his needs.
He will punish you until you demonstrate compliance again.

@toastedsandwiches

The last time we had one of these I was very ill too. He thinks that I manipulate him by being ill. Last year we had a 'miscommunication' when I had Covid.

I do think it's a defensive thing though.

He's been worrying that I'm going to leave him for someone else - no idea why? I am on the phone with him all day, texting or calling each other. Or we're together.

Erm.. You thought THIS was your missing part, your one. WHY?!

He's insecure, manipulative, cruel, unempathetic, self absorbed. Someone who even makes your illness about them! Why, OP, would you want to share a life with someone like this? I think you really need to introspect on why you thought this person was a good life partner. It would suggest to me that your instincts and natural warning system are not well honed - and you are at risk of letting many more arseholes like this into your life.

Of course, he doesn't care! He's incapable of it. Please do not get back with him. It will not be a happy ever after, it will be a nightmare that will wreck your life. You will be a lot happier on your own waiting to meet someone who treats you well and with respect.

He was on some very string medication about 6 months ago when he had a bad back - codeine - it made him emotionally numb. He became very cold and said he felt nothing for me or anything. He pushed and pushed me away

That’s not a side effect of codeine, which means he treated you like that consciously. Just think about that for a minute, he took an opportunity to treat you badly and pretend he couldn’t help it.

I wouldn't think he's sitting so easily right now. This wasn't his intention. His intention was to get more attention from you, whether he gets it by saying and doing hurtful things for reassurance or by playing the perfect man to feel good about himself.

I've dated a man like this. I wouldn't have been able to write a long message like this without him potentially kicking off because I was 'ignoring' him.

Every single time something happened he didn't like, he walked out. After, I'm ashamed to say how many iterations of this, I finally said to myself ok the relationship is over. He's dumped himself by mistake, but I'm going along with it. I accept the dumping.

He was furious. At first, he offered to forgive me if I'd apologise, since the argument I mostly spent locked in the bathroom for my own safety, was obviously my fault. It was also my fault that I made him pack his own things and drive away, even though in the very early days I'd even been to the effort of yanking his keys out of the ignition and threatening to throw them somewhere he wouldn't be able to find them until morning to stop him.

The thing is, he enjoyed my begging and flattering him. He loved the thrill of being chased. He enjoyed my eventual weary capitulation to his position, because winning over me made him feel good.

He won't be feeling good now that adoration isn't on tap. And he believes he's entitled to turn on that tap whenever he wants because he values his needs, not yours.

Whether he says so or not, with every hour or day that goes by, he'll be bricking it more and more that he's lost his golden goose by going too far.

And it's in his interests not to contact him either. He has to learn that there are consequences to treating women like this. Don't try and explain yourself to him - he'll twist it in his mind so it won't go in and don't pay attention to any messages that are clearly meant to make you feel sorry for him.

If you do intend to get back with him in the future (which I strongly advise you don't), you need to send a strong message through your actions that you won't tolerate this behaviour.

Hope you get well soon too. Tonsillitis sucks :(

Stay strong OP.

As you said, your feelings for this twat are like a drug.
You need to take it one day at a time.
In 2 weeks, you will feel more comfortable, & more secure in yourself because you will have formed a new habit - one of not messaging him.

You mentioned previous abusive relationships.
The only relationship you need to consider for about a year is the relationship with yourself.
You need to find out a lot more about the dynamic of domestic abuse, & learn more about what is going on with your self-esteem that your Ex's outrageous treatment of you was acceptable.

Remember - he has had you on beck & call for a year, with his bizarre & controlling rules about texting to his schedule.
Please realise that this was deliberate. He set out to stop you from spending any quality time with yourself (let alone anyone else I'll bet) & instilling dependency in you by taking up all of your waking hours with his text demands, weird orders that you must write "i love you" in EVERY text FFS, & rage when you 'slip up' & don't respond & accidentally break a texting rule by ... not seeing his text.

This is a tremendous & heavy burden on you that you have been viewing as a demonstration of his "love".
It isn't.
Now you no longer have to play his ridiculous text games, you will have a short period when it feels really strange, empty, & confusing.
That is because you have become unused to your own company, or even having time for your own thoughts, interests & priorities.

Use this next 2 weeks to rebuild yourself.
And please study these links. You can have read the entire Lundy Bancroft book easily within a fortnight. It will strengthen you by helping you see "The Script" (see my comments upthread), understand the dynamics of how these controlling abusers operate, & protect yourself from entering into a further manipulative relationship in future.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

& do this course - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Good luck & get well soon.

@toastedsandwiches

I know but I've never felt like this. I've fallen so hard. I thought he was the one. I actually felt I had found my missing part.

A knobhead is not a missing part of your anatomy.

A knobhead is not a missing part of your anatomy.

That actually made me chuckle- thank you.
I needed that.

I would normally be going to do the activity we do together now. I went yesterday- even ill. It was painful and uncomfortable as we do it together. He was so confrontational and mean.
And when I gave him some assistance - as I normally would he said 'I don't need your help.'
I responded 'I know'

He said I was getting gobby - getting all brave etc.

I think me not being there will have some come back. It will probably be my fault that he won't be very good as I've taken up his brain space.

Everyone will ask where I am. I'm curious as to his response to it.