Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

Op you sound lovely, he does not.

You will get through this and be happier, promise.

Don't text him OP!

My ex, used to show me the begging emails and voicemails from the ex before me. He didn't care. It was a power trip. I'm under no illusion he was any different when he broke up with me.

So don't give him that satisfaction. Talk to your friends. If you must, write emails and then don't send them. Take it a day at a time.

He won't be thinking about you at all. There will be a new victim. (You're safe until he comes back to hoover you. )

I'm not sure how I feel now. A little empty.

I managed to get through work without incident. I saw a friend for half an hour this afternoon, promptly burst into tears, but didn't divulge or dwell.

I seem to be permanently just on the very precipice of sobbing.

I've had a catch up with one of my best friends which helped. She's been absolutely lovely.

I did text - I know you all said don't.

But I'm so glad I did. He saw it. He ignored it.

And now I know.
I feel I can take a strap forward. By myself.

I don't care if he laughs. I don't care if he mocks me. I don't care if he shows the world.

I know that he didn't care.

I feel ready to delete his number.

I feel ready to block him.

I feel ready to try to mourn the end of my dream.

You have had a VERY lucky escape. He has showed his true colours, obviously he thought you’d be begging him to return- classic narcissistic behaviour. Grieve the relationship you THOUGHT you had, celebrate getting out before it got worse.

So do it.

@toastedsandwiches

It's this you've texted first thing - I feel like I'm playing a game - like dating games.

I just want to tell him how I feel.
I know 100% he'll reject me.

I feel like I need that kick.

I know 100% he'll reject me. Can you see that he was as bad as your previous "bad relationships"?

I read your update that you contact him and he ignored you.

If you knew this before and still contacted him, maybe its time to go
for counselling to understand why this lack of self love.

@Maze76 that is my plan. I will mourn what I thought I had. Not what was.

@pictish I am.

@JamieNorthlife my plan is self care now. I'm going to get some space and give myself time. I'm going to reconnect with me and try to get some counselling.

I'm absolutely exhausted and want to go to bed. But if I do I'll be up at 3am.

I'm still hurting. But can actually breathe a little.

Op l know your hurting now but you are better off without this man child.
I bet he love bombed you at the beginning. Gave you lots of compliments then started acting like a dick. I met a guy who was great at first. It's an act. Then it was all about him. I was ill in my bed all weekend. Didn't give him attention and his response was I Don't sleep enough but still manage to work. Totally dismissed me actually feeling like shit.

I just want to tell him how I feel.

Again - a very natural response.
Especially for women who have been gaslit by an abusive man.
The urge to express our true feelings, & have them acknowledged, is strong.

But it is not safe to tell abusers our true feelings. It is ammunition for them, not communication.
There is no form of words that you could find, given a hundred years & the gifts of Shakespeare, that will ever, ever, get a coercive controller & abuser to 'recognise' you, to understand you, to acknowledge your genuine feelings & their own wrongdoing.

Even if you got your hoped-for "nice reply" back - what do you think it proves?
That he knows how to mouth the right words to manipulate you with. You know he won't mean them. He will only use soft words if he feels like reeling you back in. As soon as you are back in the fold, he will start moving out of the "Idealise" phase, & back into "Devalue" before the cycle completes - again - with him "Discarding" you.

You don't need another cycle of abuse from this man.
All you need from him is never to communicate with him again.

So when you need to vent this urge to express yourself, please do - just not to him.
The only safe way to finish with an angry & controlling man is No Contact.

Ooops sorry OP didn't see there was another page to go, have read your update re: sending the text now ...

OK, so that wasn't recommended - BUT, & serious kudos to you for this next bit - it seems to have been the point of catharsis you needed.

I'm still hurting. But can actually breathe a little.

Well done. Keep breathing.
Lovely self-care weekend, as many friends as you can manage seeing, lots of downtime, snuggly blankets etc.

And stay alert to the fact that he might Hoover at any point over the next year or so ... be ready to repel that bastard if he does. You don't want to have to go through THIS bit again, do you? - & every hour you have suffered since his ridiculous break-up is an hour nearer to feeling better.

I don't care if he laughs. I don't care if he mocks me. I don't care if he shows the world.
This, & all your "ready to" statements following it, is superb OP.
Really good progress.
I suspect you are only a step or 2 away from some damn fine healing anger. And when you do start feeling angry - there is no timescale for this - you will recognise it as a vital part of not only healing, but an actual separation of you away from him, & back into your own self.

Because you will be finally telling yourself the truth - he didn't treat you badly because you got things wrong, or weren't enough, or were too much - he treated you badly because his intentions were bad.
He never wanted to love you. He wanted to own you.

Aw op I haven't read all this thread yet but he sounds so much like the bloke I got tied up with. He can go hours without texting if I say anything he's busy driving or working or so tired because he's such a busy man. He's shown no support or feelings for me while going through shit. He phoned me this morning to complain that he was cold last night. He's a truck driver and the heating is fucked. He makes a big deal about me not putting enough xxx at the end of a message. I tested him and said I love you and always think about you. All he could say was love you too. Its all just a cruel game. And it's our hearts they play with. I too was obsessed him. Couldn't let him go but once you see them for what they are it's much easier.

Your updates are so positive despite messaging him, it's going to be a roller coaster for you, but you really have got this. Kudos to you

The counselling will be a game changer with you, you will make better choices & attract better guys once you recognise WHY you are vulnerable to this sort of man. I've no idea how, but somehow the damage that makes us vulnerable to control from these sorts, is like a beacon of light to arsehole narcissistic, abusive & controlling men. That changes with counselling because you have far better boundaries

I had several like this too, the last being the worst by far. He will come back, he will at some point message & chase you again, he may even stalk you as my ex did. They always do as soon as they realise you are over them them & healing from their shit. I actually had my ex find me on Facebook & message me out of the blue very recently "hi, how are you, I miss you"... 22 friggin years later
I imagined a bald wiry wizened old version of himself sitting stinking behind his computer screen... laughed my head of & hit the block button

My next relationship was very real, no games, no abuse & I take no shut & he knows it & we are still very happily married nearly 20 years later

You've got this & it does get a hell of a lot better

It's like reading about my life recently. I've walked away after 4 years. This is emotional abuse, your his verbal punch bag. He's a control freak and you will never ever have a life with him. He is a narcissist!
I too loved and still love this man who has destroyed me totally. He loved bombed me, to the point I thought I had met the best man ever and one day it stopped. Slowly at first by accusing me of having affairs, of lying, calling me disgusting names and constantly finishing with me only to return as though nothing had happened. It's too long a story to post but I did wake up one day and realise what was happening and I'm still hurting and still missing this vile spiteful man that hurt me beyond anything and even though I knew what he was and what he was doing it still took me 3 years to eventually walk away.
I really hope I can stay away and not allow him to hoover me back up. Please please walk away, I know how much it hurts but for your own peace of mind and self respect you need to do this.
I wish you luck courage and strength
I will say that I never ever cheated on him or lied to him or discrespected him and never went anywhere without his permission but no matter what I did or proved to him, it was never enough and he was constantly changing the goal posts about what he expected from me. I'm so ashamed and sad that I wasted so much time on him.

He reminds me of my first boyfriend.

I had nothing to compare it to at the time so I didnt realise how bat shit he was.

He used to do exactly the same as your ex is doing. He needed constant reassurance from me that I cared and loved him, so he would finish me all the time after a small argument.
Seeing me upset and my tears confirmed to him that I loved him.

He was controlling and manipulating. Its toxic.
I had my phone for 5 days so I didnt text him.

Be strong. This nutter will have you on the edge all the time just for his own insecurities.

I'm not ignoring anyone's advise before I'm told I should listen to what you're all saying - I just saying how I'm feeling.

It's rolling around in my head constantly.

I'm having to sleep with the tv on just to try to quiet my brain. But even that is not helping. I'm waking every 30 minutes or so.

His cars still here, I never shut the curtains but I did tonight as it was cold, but then pulled them ajar in case he thought I was hiding from him - I was. That I had someone here - I don't. That I don't care - I do. So I couldn't see if he came - I need to and want to but shouldn't.

I know I sound positive- it's coming in waves.
Complete desolation, then some resolve.
But mostly I'm falling apart.
I'm consumed by thoughts of him.
I want to shake him and talk to him. I want to hold him and walk away from him. But mostly I want to lay with him and talk to him, listen to his voice and feel his arms around me.

I actually know that he will hurt me in the long run and I know that I will go through this again - but I almost want it. Not the hurt or the pain, but to say it's ok I need you. I can take that chance again.
This time you may see. This time might be ok.

I know it won't. I know in 6 weeks time I'll be here again. That people will be frustrated with me that I did but again. That I'll be a puddle of a person again.

But I want it so freaking much.

Why the hell does he not care?? Why does he not want me??
How can he leave me knowing that it's hurting so much when it was so good just an hour and a half beforehand.
Ffs??

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through it too. I lost so much weight, I was so anxious, I could barely sleep. I felt that I couldn't breathe. I drank too much. I even started smoking (at the age of 46!) It was awful.

I did take him back more than once. And he did it again. My friends hated him, but I thought he was my soulmate. He still contacts me and he still has power over me (luckily he's moved countries) - his voice and it's very enticing.

I know how you feel. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Talk to friends. Stay clear of social media. Going back is a mistake, but one you might make - I read somewhere that a narcissists victim typically goes back several times,. They are like a drug. Surely you can see that this feeling isn't normal - this bereftness isn't how you normally feel after a break up?

Counselling might help, reading up on all of this might help, but at the end of the day, it's just you and time.

He doesn't care. Your feelings don't matter to him. You're nothing to him. Every lovely thing he said to you was a lie. He was wearing a mask and that's what you loved. But behind the mask is a cold, cruel, uncaring, selfish, manipulative, controlling monster. That's the real him.

You were scammed.

I know it's a feeling of horror to confront that, but it's important to face it. See it and accept it. Feel the shock and anger.

Otherwise you're at risk of getting stuck in this self-blame, self-pity, heartbreak mode. That's part of his scam. You're desperate and falling apart and he is in control.

He scammed you. He used and abused you, then discarded you like you're nothing. GET ANGRY. You don't deserve this.

Educate yourself on narcissism (him) and codependent (you ).
I'm just over two months out of a relationship of 11 years and it's been like getting off hard drugs. But, the worst is over except the fact we own a half built house which he's already getting difficult about.
In reality, I did realise it wasn't right early on but the love seemed so wonderful, the best ever, my soulmate. It turned to hell after we owned property. I can't beat myself up over my stupidity that would make it worse, all I know is no matter what, I will never ever go back to him. I've lost a huge amount of money as well but consider that the price of my freedom from narcissistic abuse.
Good luck x

I know as time moves on any incidents are forgotten as our brain processes them but I do think you need to write down some of the unacceptable things he did (another poster said this also) and read it back when you waiver.

I'm still in shock about the 'I love you' which MUST be in every text - who even does that? A control freak does.

You: what do you fancy for tea? I love you
Him: not fussed, what were you thinking? I love you
You: Well I've got mince in so chilli or bolognese. I love you.
Him: Either sounds good. I love you.

Surely saying I love you constantly takes away any real meaning.

You are doing great so far, just keep going, 1 step at a time.

Just want to say no one is stupid for getting involved with a narcissist. You don't have to be stupid or co-dependant. There's no particular kind of person a narcissist targets. The only thing that makes you vulnerable to a narcissist is not knowing that such people exist. So you let the red flags go because you think, well that's mad but he must be doing that because he's sad/insecure/damaged and once he realises how much I love him, it'll be okay.

They are really, really good at finding out what makes you tick and using that against you. If you're lonely, if you've been abused before, if you have any trauma, they love that because they'll work out what you want and need to hear, and present themselves as that person. They are very good at gaining your trust. Those initial feelings of being in love, having met this incredible, unique person, feeling like it's too good to be true - it's so hard once those feelings have been established to step back and look at the red flags and problems with a clear eye.

These people are dangerous. They attack your soul. That's why it's so difficult to get over them. The only way to do it is to confront the truth head on and to make protecting yourself your absolute highest priority.

But I want to repeat: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. These people get very good at what they do, and if you don't know their patterns and giveaway tells, you are vulnerable. If you've never had a run in with a narcissist, it's actually quite hard to believe such people exist. Even if you have, it's hard to believe. The whole experience is like a kind of surreal horror story.

So, yes, you might be co-dependant and that's something to think about. But also, you might not be. You might just have had your soul attacked by a narcissist.

I've returned to this article many times over the years - I think it does a good job of describing how such people get inside your head, and the nature of the attack they make against you: psychopathsandlove.com/the-cult-of-two-psychopaths-and-brainwashing/

It's really immature he's behaving like that and I do agree it's a knee jerk reaction to end things when he maybe feeling like things are not going the way he wants it to.

I think I proper sit down is needed and explain that's its OK to argue but you can't keep going through this where he keeps ending it with you when things get tough. Say what you have here about your feelings towards him and your concerns of wanting to end it so easily and ask if he is into you as much as you are into him.

I know all of this. I know every single bit of this.
But then I still sit there and think maybe he's turning this over and over in his head feeling absolutely wretched thinking he mustn't contact me too. Thinking that there's been so much up and down and that he needs to protect himself.

So then I think of what I have done to cause this - I'm not completely blameless. Yes the whole texting when I was ill was utterly ridiculous.

So right I think of the other reasons we rowed.
Because he thought I rolled my eyes one time.
Refusing to get my name right - and knowing.
Sulking for days when he thought I found another man attractive.
Punishing me for my past relationships- despite his having vastly more.
Dumping me for asking him if it was ok if I wore shorts - the same ones I wore when we met.
Saying I was vain for having videos or selfies in my phone - not even posted, where his sm is loads of him.
Getting angry and nearly storming out of the house when he thought I was being sarcastic. - I wasn't.
Going through my phone and questioning everything- and when I explain or even when I explain unprompted- I didn't ask - you don't have to tell me.
If I told a story or something had happened I'd start and he'd tell me 'hurry up get to the point' straight away.
He got angry about a sex dream about me.
He'd get cross if I told him about stress at work. He ask and when I said he'd get cross.
He picked apart my friends if I ever said anything he perceived as negative.
When I finished work early one day and went home 3 as opposed to 4. He said you're not very reliable are you doing as you say. When I said I went home for the dog - he said He was just joking.
I sent him a meme about love he didn't understand- he got so angry.
He said he wasn't stressed about clothes I wore - a big thing of my ex - when first started dating - but when I got comments - from a woman in a shop for example- I have those boots they look better on you kind of thing. He then started calling them slut welly's (they're not).
He said I used long words that he doesn't get.
Telling me to Fuck off when he was angry.
The whole 4 days of being on codeine and pushing me away.
Always biting at me on a Tuesday and being short tempered.

But then conversely he was always so complimentary. Only a few times has he ever said anything to pull me up and they were genuinely in jest.

I'm so bloody tired. What am going to do with myself.
I can't drag people into look after me. It's so bloody humiliating to be going through another messy, nasty break up.

He said he can't bare all the drama- but he seems to be the catalyst for all of it.

You need to remember that it's not you! Narcissists treat everyone they meet like this. Women before you and women after. They're empty vessels looking for something to fill it.
The one in my life I never even had a relationship with. Never intimate only kissed. He said all the bullshit about he was so glad he met me, how lucky he was to have me in his life. Then he stopped calling me beautiful, no complaints what so ever, no heart and kiss emojis or memes about love.
He became controlling and acusing me of talking or meeting other men. I even had proof of him chatting up another woman and I still forgave him because i didn't want to give up on us. It proved to me that he didn't care where he got attention. The woman he was messaging was 52 he's 32. When I found out I said that what you in to is it? Women in their 50s. Not really he says.
He made my hair fall out, anxious and this is just someone driving me mad via text messages. He scrolled way back through my social media the other week to find something to start a row over. It was a joke I posted. Then he turned really nasty. I phoned him and he said I'm sick of us rowing all the time. All we do is row. I never start arguments it's always him. And this is how ridiculous it is, I ended up apologising and agreeing to do as I'm told! Wtf. It's all part of a trauma and abuse cycle. Give it a few weeks no contact and you will heal. It just takes time.
This one met me on social media and he knew what he was doing. Found someone vulnerable and played me.

Compliments *