Need to not message him

[toastedsandwiches]

My DP and I split up yesterday. I'm utterly and totally head over heels for him.
We've been together a year and get on so well. We've had some us and downs.
We've both been massively hurt in the past by other people and can be defensive because of this.
It took a lot for me to let my guard down and throw myself into the relationship, but I did.

We had plans and stuff to look forward to. We talked about living together and getting married down the line. He made me feel loved, and happy and smile. I laughed till I cried. I felt special and content. He gave me support and listened.
I supported him, I gave him my time and we were having an amazing time.
So much in common and couldn't bared to be apart.

Then I got tonsillitis, I went to bed the day before yesterday in the afternoon. I saw a notification on my phone he posted something on Facebook- a joke - aimed at me - nothing nasty - I responded.
He called me an hour later saying he was on the way around. He was livid - I hadn't replied to his text he sent at the same time as the Facebook post.

I hadn't seen the text.

He's broken up with me over it.

@pictish

Really? I think he’s a manipulative bastard that’s training you to jump to his every whim by way of threatening you if you don’t.

Ting

But then I still sit there and think maybe he's turning this over and over in his head feeling absolutely wretched thinking he mustn't contact me too. Thinking that there's been so much up and down and that he needs to protect himself.

100% he's not doing this. Every time this doubt creeps in, you need to read your list or read over the thread or do something to remind yourself of the truth. He doesn't care about you. He's not feeling wretched. He doesn't need to protect himself (from what? from you trying to make him happy and doing everything he wants?) He is abusive and controlling and he 100% does not care about you. I bet there are basic things about you that he doesn't even know, let alone care.

That list is utterly chilling, OP. He is insane and a narcissist. Keep reminding yourself of that fact.

@toastedsandwiches, read your last post and think why do you want to be with an abuser?

Making you "feel good" for one short moment does not compensate for the abuse you were suffering. It can last a lifetime.

You had tonsillitis and he treated you horribly, can you imagine how nasty he would be if you had something serious?

It seems that you are conditioned to accept abuse as love.
Abuse is not Love.

This sense you have of missing him, its just because you are familiar with this type of traumatic treatment. It is not Love.
You are desensitised to be mistreatment by men and you confuse it with being loved.

OP, you cannot have a relationship with someone that treats you badly. There is no excuse for his treatment. Go to counselling to unpick how all of this started.

He is a deeply flawed person. He is selfish, mean, manipulative, controlling, abusive.

Read your list from 07:53 this morning. If a friend told you they'd met a man and this is a description of him, what would you say? If you read that list in a dating profile, would you want to go out with that person?

He isn't capable of having a relationship. He isn't capabale of being a respectful, supportive, caring, loving partner. He doesn't have that ability.

This isn't about you. It's always been about him. No, he doesn't care about you. He only cared so long as you were complaint, agreeing with him, showing the deference he thought he was due, looking after him, putting him first, 'proving' he was king.

You are SO much better off without him. Please don't be tempted to message him again. It won't make you feel any better, and it will just increase his idea that he's some catch who you should be chasing after. He will either laugh about it, think you're desperate for him and move on. OR (worse) he will think you're still interested and when he's ready for a few more manipulative games he'll get back in touch to mess with your mind again.

@Platax

I am on the phone with him all day, texting or calling each other. Or we're together

This level of intensity really isn't healthy. Do neither of you work?

This. Is he love bombing you?

He's left his car on your drive to control you and it's working isn't it? To the point you're dithering about opening or closing the curtains ffs.

I agree about the car. He has left it there so you can’t cut him off and to give him a reason to contact/manipulate you after he’s made his point with the discard.

Don’t be intimidated by the car. Ignore it.

Your list reads like a textbook emotionally abusive relationship. He’s a fucker.

He doesn't need to contact me about the car. He can just get it.
I think he will get his friend to collect it to be fair.

The moment I think about all the negativity I completely am certain that it's wrong. But then I apply it to him, or think about him my determination resolves into intense loss and missing him.

I have been reading up about narcissism and do this he displays many qualities. Ironically he did ask me if I thought he was a narcissist- when we were in a good place - I thought not as he reflects on his behaviour, questing and apologises for it too.

A couple more - when he said we were finished over the text thing - I asked if he actually ever cared about me - he said that was emotional blackmail.
That I use my degree against him

You need to be stronger you are weak.
You are never going to be rid of him while being in denial.
He is a narcissist he doesn't care about you sooner you realise that the sooner you can get your life back!
This will go on for years he will destroy you and your life!

Read all you can on narcissism and grey rock is exactly what you need to do to get rid of him
Please Listen!!!

Narcs will find a chink in anything you say to defend yourself or even support your point of view. They are driven to deflect blame even if it sounds every bit as ridiculous as it is.

His ‘reflecting’ is lip service to make him appear more humble than he is. An apology doesn’t matter if the behaviour is repeated.

@pictish

I agree about the car. He has left it there so you can’t cut him off and to give him a reason to contact/manipulate you after he’s made his point with the discard.

Don’t be intimidated by the car. Ignore it.

Your list reads like a textbook emotionally abusive relationship. He’s a fucker.

This 100%

He hasnt left you!
This is exactly what narcs do he's coming back.

Please listen to people who have been through the same thing.

‘Emotional blackmail’ in this context is a simple and rather crude, “I’m not doing anything wrong - you are!”

This is because you have pinpointed his callousness.

So he knows he's a narcissist, then. An ex (many exes) will have told him that.

No one fits the profile of a narcissist 100%. They are good at masks, so your narc will seem different, special, have some kind of quality that allows you to doubt.

What you have to go by is their behaviour and your feelings.

Behaviour: love bombing, devaluing, discarding, and (sometimes) hoovering. It's the same playbook, over and over. He'll have other women on the go too. Possibly men too.

Your feelings: it's my fault, what can I do to make him understand, I'm going crazy, I can't cope with this, I don't know what's going on, I'm so confused, I love him, I'll do anything for him, I can't survive this, I need him, he must love me really, maybe he doesn't know how much I care, it's my fault, I'm not good enough for him, I don't know what happened, I let him down, if only I could just explain, this is unbearable... etc.

Feeling desperate and confused and like you can't survive without him, especially when the relationship has been over a short period of time - these are clear signs you have been the target of a narcissist. But even if they weren't, you can't be with someone who makes you feel that way.

Seven years I have been rid of the narc and I'm still not the same person I was before.

I can't recommend 'grey rock' highly enough.

This thread is a huge trigger for me.

Take the advice given here it's all 100% spot on.

@Ema52 I promise I am listening to you all.

It makes it no easier though.

I actually have eaten something and my anxiety that he's off work today and could come around at any point to collect the car is making me want to vomit.

I'm going out later but I don't want to be driven out of my home because of him.

I know he's busy getting on with his day and not thinking about me at all or is and thinking about how much in the wrong I am/was.
I'm going to try to keep busy doing things I need to do.

He still had the picture of us up on Instagram- but I think that's for the purpose of his friends and that he doesn't want to loose face rather than anything else.

Seven years I have been rid of the narc and I'm still not the same person I was before.

I think it's such a profound experience of horror, it does change you. I remember feeling utter shock, and no one understood. They thought it was an ordinary breakup and couldn't understand why I was so devastated. I remember the feeling of utter horror, that I had been the victim of actual evil. That there are monsters among us.

I expect that will sound a bit crazy to anyone who hasn't encountered one of these people. None of my friends understood and I lost friends because I totally fell apart. I couldn't find a counsellor who understood. The only support I had was people online who had been through this. That did help, though.

You can get past this, definitely. But I agree, first you have to face it for what it is. And that is truly an experience of horror. But knowledge is power. I will also never forget the morning after I finally saw him for what he was. It was a feeling of space and freedom and lightness and I remember thinking, hold on to this, remember this, because this is good, and this is real, and it's going to get you through. I hope you have an experience like that to hold on to, OP.

The car is a tool to get at you, he's still playing with you. Think cat playing with a mouse, this is what these sorts do.

My ex psycho Narc parked his car right outside my flat, right in line of view so it was all I saw when opening my curtains. That car ended up parked wherever I went. He told the worse than friggin useless police that he'd sold it to a neighbour ... he hadn't

It only stopped when I spiked his tires with a bradle to cause 4 deliberate slow punctures... I later found out that he was taking the woman he "wasn't" having an affair with away for a weekend when all his tires went flat on a country road in in the middle of nowhere & he was raging. That actually felt so good because I fought back. Didn't stop him stalking me, didn't stop him robbing me, didn't stop him breaking into my flat whilst I slept & moving my furniture around. It was all games to keep me scared & thinking of him because they are weak scared people who get their self worth from treating you badly & exerting control & they really do have a script. Everything he told me about his "psycho ex" he told his next victim about me, non of it true, but it was his script to hook a victim. He actually had no personality of his own, he mirrored people

Your list is scary, I think you know this. He is a very very damaged man & he will keep on destroying you by playing games with you.

If the car is on your property, Maybe think about giving a deadline to move it, or you will be reporting it dumped & having it towed. It's not there because he's scared to pick it up or upset. It's there because he has you on a leash to play with & leaving his car where you see it keeps you trapped thinking of him

I actually have eaten something and my anxiety that he's off work today and could come around at any point to collect the car is making me want to vomit.

My ex used to leave things with me too and this is exactly how I felt its unbelievable how text book they are.

I know it's not easy but educating yourself on narcissists will really help as it all falls into place.
It may not be the right time for you right now and even if you do get back together with him, do the work on narcissism in the back ground. Education on this and speaking to survivors are key in you getting out of this nightmare.

OP, I would block him on Insta and any other social media, so you can't check up on him. As a pp said, go cold turkey.

As for the car, he's using that to get to you. He'll want to pick it up while you're there, so he can enjoy seeing your devastation and saying things to mess with your head. Prepare yourself for that. Grey rock is right - your communication with him should be as boring and neutral as possible. No emotions. "No problem, thanks for taking the car." "It's fine, we don't need to discuss any of that. Thanks for taking the car." "Let's not get into it. Thanks for taking the car." And close the door and be done.

@beastlyslumber

Seven years I have been rid of the narc and I'm still not the same person I was before.

I think it's such a profound experience of horror, it does change you. I remember feeling utter shock, and no one understood. They thought it was an ordinary breakup and couldn't understand why I was so devastated. I remember the feeling of utter horror, that I had been the victim of actual evil. That there are monsters among us.

I expect that will sound a bit crazy to anyone who hasn't encountered one of these people. None of my friends understood and I lost friends because I totally fell apart. I couldn't find a counsellor who understood. The only support I had was people online who had been through this. That did help, though.

You can get past this, definitely. But I agree, first you have to face it for what it is. And that is truly an experience of horror. But knowledge is power. I will also never forget the morning after I finally saw him for what he was. It was a feeling of space and freedom and lightness and I remember thinking, hold on to this, remember this, because this is good, and this is real, and it's going to get you through. I hope you have an experience like that to hold on to, OP.

This a thousand times over ^

Nicely articulated beastlyslumber.

Have you looked up intermittent reinforcement? It literally can make us feel crazy and blame ourselves asking 'why'.

I was in this cycle too and understand everything you are feeling...it really is all consuming and you want to defend yourself/ make them understand. This is just fuel for these types though - you can't reason with the unreasonable.

Question for you all - part of narcissism- they blame their ex's for the break up - they are the reason the relationship failed. It was their poor behaviour and unreasonable actions - but that's what I think of my ex's.

So am I a narcissist? Because I know they will all have their story about what I did wrong - their excuses. So am I any better?

No I've not sworn at him, nor over reacted to something so small or ridiculous. I've not made him feel insignificant or walk on eggshells. But I'm not blameless entirely.
I've had drama and problems that he's had to deal with - beyond what is the average to be completely honest. It could be enough to drive the strongest away.

@toastedsandwiches

Question for you all - part of narcissism- they blame their ex's for the break up - they are the reason the relationship failed. It was their poor behaviour and unreasonable actions - but that's what I think of my ex's.

So am I a narcissist? Because I know they will all have their story about what I did wrong - their excuses. So am I any better?

No I've not sworn at him, nor over reacted to something so small or ridiculous. I've not made him feel insignificant or walk on eggshells. But I'm not blameless entirely.
I've had drama and problems that he's had to deal with - beyond what is the average to be completely honest. It could be enough to drive the strongest away.

Op, You are not the narcissist.... Don't ever question or doubt yourself about it. You are the victim.

Promise yourself you are going to try to stop thinking about him. Every time you start thinking about him, just replace those thoughts with "stop thinking about him, once he is out of my mind better things will come into my life and I deserve to be treated well" or something similar.

Don't check his social media and stop trying to imagine conversations or scenarios on what he would or think about your behaviour.

You have been conditioned to think about his well-being first. That's wrong and abusive.

Breakway from it and start thinking about yourself first. You deserve respect and to be happy.