Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

If he won't talk to a doctor then you'll have to ask him to leave. He's not safe with the baby and he can't pick and choose which child he wants to parent. Is he not ashamed of feeling this way? Does he not want to get help?

Never leave the baby with him to be honest, but that's no help for you. He really needs to speak to a professional to get his anger under control.

I would ask him to leave. I'd be terrified living in a house with someone who punches the wall. It's so often a warning sign that the punching will escalate to a partner and even children.

Get out asap

I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.

I'd pack a bag and take both children to my mum's. Then I'd contact him and explain he has to get professional help and engage with it before the relationship could resume.
I can see the logic of asking him to leave from a long-term practical point of view but I think it's too risky. I'd just get my children to a place of safety.

When you become parents, priorities change, forget "me time" you find it hard to have couple time. Babies take up big portion of your time and the rest is used up with work etc.
You are right to ask him to get medical, professional help.
He seems like a loving dad towards the eldest, so he has it in him.
Fact he didn't harm the baby and gave you the baby in the bath whilst saying what he did and punched the wall is a red flag. He was able to control himself from harming her this time. But who knows what could happen next time.
I don't want the kids to be taken away from their home and things. So ask him to leave.
A few nights away from his family might show him what he can loose. Give him this push to get help!
You need a break yourself, Go live with family, get some time to yourself, get help with the kids and also being away from him will keep you and the kids safe. Until he has got help and figured out his issues.

I would take him at his word and believe what he says.
That means he leaves or you do and you protect your children from him.
Seek outside help if necessary

And I'm so sorry your dealing with this and you are struggling and tired but you have to get your baby away from him

The obvious answer is to leave.

He needs to leave now.

Omg. Even if he doesnt love the baby saying he's going to f'ing kill her is terribly frightening even without punching the wall. If he were looking after a friends baby would he be the same and lose his temper?? I'd be out of the door with my kids like a shot. Seriously not ok.

Get out, or get him out. He wants to kill your baby.

He needs to leave. The environment isn’t safe for you or your children.

What a horrible situation, you must be so exhausted and anxious.

When a baby cries a lot, and can't be comforted, it can be extremely stressful. You can feel like an utter failure, especially if you are exhausted and have a list of things to do as long as your arm.

However your DH is an adult, and if he can't get a grip, he needs to get help or leave. He is not the primary carer of the baby so he it is a shame he has succumbed to the stress so significantly and it is not fair on you at all. My second son had reflux, and it was a very difficult time because he would vomit so often, and as you say we were best off keeping him upright, which was hard at night time especially. My son went dairy free and grew out of the reflux problems within a year but the first six months were hellish.

Can I ask, have you talked to DH about this when he is relaxed? Is he ever relaxed? Maybe not, with a 2 y.o. and a baby in the house. If you can catch him in a quiet moment, explain very calmly that you are very concerned about him, that you've noticed when he is with the baby he gets easily overwhelmed and that the behaviour is making you frightened. Remind him of the wall-punching incident. Ask him how he can be sure his behaviour won't escalate. If he engages with you, then ask him what he wants to do about it,making it clear that doing nothing isnt an option.

Then talk to him about your own situation, explain that you are obviously exhausted too, and struggling.

If it is an option, I would strongly recommend you ask his help to pack up and take you and both kids to either your parents, or his parents, to escape for a while. Or ask a parent or close relative to come and stay, for as long as possible really - a week or two would be great.

If you don't have any support at all, then ask your DH to leave for a bit, he could go and stay with a friend. And then get some help for yourself, if you can possibly afford it, even if it means you go without something else (cancel Netflix and go vegetarian to save money). Help might mean, a cleaner or sending your 2 year old to nursery or a childminder, or a night nurse to help a bit with the baby.

I don't think your DH is necessarily going to become violent toward you, but I think a LOT of people suffer from rage dealing with toddlers and babies, far more people than admit to it, people who are normally gentle and loving. Mums as well as dads. It can pass, it can be addressed, I'm not saying put up with it but I'm saying force your DH's hand if he won't do anything about it for himself.

Get yourself and your DC to a safe place.

Your DH needs help. What you describe is depression. It’s serious. It’s also not uncommon.

However you / he doesn’t have to stay in the house while he gets help. Prioritise your safety and well-being, and that of your child, over everything. It might be the wake up call he needs to see a doctor.

Is there anywhere you can go? He doesn't sound like he's safe to be around the children.

I think you know that this doesn't have a future. You sound like a great mum trying your best to care for and protect your children, but you can't fix this. Even if he tries harder, will you ever feel safe leaving the baby with him?

Get those dcs away from him.

@MultiStorey

I also think that your child is in danger and he must leave. Please don’t minimise this.

Even if he doesn’t physically kill her, your baby is now the scapegoat to her older sister’s Golden Child. This doesn’t stop, unfortunately.

This.

I would be sitting him down and telling him that his behaviour isn't acceptable. That you don't trust him not to hurt your baby and that, even if he doesn't, having favourites - especally with the extreme of aggression and disregard he is showing to your youngest - is immensely damaging to both children. Therefore you are asking him to leave now and he may not return until he has credibly sought professional help. If possible, it may be a good idea to have someone with you during this conversation.

The wall-punching falls into the category of domestic abuse, of which you might remind him if he is reluctant to leave.

PennyWus, it should be him leaving, not her.

I agree your baby isn’t safe, if he loses it he could shake her and kill her. It’s only fair that he leaves as no doubt the house is set up for the children. If he refuses to leave then the 3 of you need to go to parents, somewhere safe where you will have support.

"This kind of thing has happened several times before."

OP, you cannot fix this.

You're not going to change him or magically fix this by talking to him gently in a quiet moment. (Nor should you have to, he's an adult, not someone you should be managing or scared of.)

Seriously. How can you ever trust him ever again on anything? Do you ever want him touching you or the children again?

Of course he doesn't want therapy or something. He wasn't out of it, he didn't lose control (if he had, he'd have killed your child or snapped your neck or something).

No, he knows exactly what he is doing each time and how to make you compliant. Punching the wall is a huge domestic violence flag, as others have said.

I'd be hugely cautious on sitting him down and telling him to leave. Go to your parents house and start all the processes from there.

"Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues."

You say this is another thread, but what are the issues here? My guess would be him wanting more sex and you to pay more attention to him instead of kids?

Wow, what harsh answers! Is it at all possible your husband is suffering from post natal depression? How much sleep he gets at night? How is he performing at work since second birth?
A refluxy baby is a very very hard phase to get through so you do need to look after each other. A joint or separate GP visit would be a great idea x

Firstly
You poor thing, this must be so stressful and i am iimagine you havent been able to tell people (family etc) in real life because you are worried they will view him differently /theres an element of shame. If you do, dont feel that way. This is on him.

What would i do?

he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before.

You must see this is abnormal and NOT OKAY. At all
Tell him to leave and involve the police a. For safety and b. to start a papertrail if custody becomes an issue.
Also tell him he needs to seek professional help NOW if he expects to save your marriage.
Tell people the factual truth inc his family (ie you had no choice but to ask him to leave, he punched walls repeatedly and threatened to kill the baby while in a rage) do not minimise or cover for him.

This is NOT safe for your baby and you are treading on eggshells already trying to do all the work and "keep the baby quiet amd out of his way". This is no way too live and will be very damaging to your child as they get older.

Reading between the lines baby no 2 sounds either like a plaster for the relationship or something he didnt want (ie unplanned). He may want you to end it so he can get out and justifyit to himself. If so, that's fine. Fuck him. His behaviour is a disgrace. He should be supporting you at this vulnerable time not terrorising you and your child.

Your priority has to be your childrens healtth and wellbeing

This started before the baby was born @sunnytimes83 and is part of wider problems in the marriage.

@sunnytimes83

Wow, what harsh answers! Is it at all possible your husband is suffering from post natal depression? How much sleep he gets at night? How is he performing at work since second birth? A refluxy baby is a very very hard phase to get through so you do need to look after each other. A joint or separate GP visit would be a great idea x

Did you miss the bit where he's refusing to go to the GP? And where this has happened several times? He doesn't have post natal depression because he didn't give birth. If he has reactive depression he needs to take responsibility and get help for it. In the meantime the tiny new baby needs protecting from him.