Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

It should be him leaving not her, but he is not rational and he is unsafe around the baby. The first responsibility is to make sure the children are safe.

It sounds to me like he might be suffering from male postnatal depression.

Lots of people assume that only postpartum women get this, and it is much more common for them to suffer, but it happens in Dads and adoptive parents of both sexes too.

I’ve put some links below for you to read.

The fact that this is coming out as anger might mean that you ha e to separate temporarily whilst he gets treatment, or permanently if he won’t, as you are all at risk; although at least he was conscious enough to give her back.

Remember that if he does have PND he probably feels ashamed and confused about his feelings and behaviour, but that doesn’t mean you can let him off the hook, such anger directed at a tiny baby isn’t safe.

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men

You need to put some safe distance between him and the baby. He sounds unhinged.

Did he actively plan this baby with you?

You must get away from this man asap. He despises the baby and has already started abusing and neglecting her.

He becomes enraged when she cries and treats her with contempt whenever she is awake. He hits the wall and threatens that he will kill her.

She is likely frightened of this scary monster who treats her with anger and disdain instead of kindness and affection.

OP, if you stay with him, both of your girls will suffer untold damage.

Safeguarding issue.

He can’t be around your children. You need to be apart.

Contact social services or Women’s Aid if you need help to get away from him or to get him out.

Meant to say long term @WeDidntMeanToGoToSea is totally correct.
My father was an amazing dad to me as a small child but didnt want no 2 and avoided holding or being alone with my sibling at all until about 4 years old.
Then they were tolerated at absolute best. I was older golden child they were the scapegoat, it really damaged them and has shaped their life immeasurably.
My mum feels tremendous guilt for staying but was aiming for minimum collateral damage and terrified of him having unsuperised access if she left.

Just want to say I’m so sorry that you are going through this right now. I agree with pp about either him leaving or (if he refuses) then you leave with the kids.

If this is out of character then being apart might be temporary while he sorts out his issues.

Look after yourself and your babies.

I’m trying to be understanding.

Under these circumstances, you cannot afford to be understanding, OP. Your tiny baby is being mistreated. She is in danger. Your children are living in an abusive home, and you must take action to safeguard them.

I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.

You can't stay with him after this. Look at your poor defenseless little baby and think about the sort of person who could say that about her. He needs to leave the home and work on his anger

You need to protect your children from him and leave him

Postnatal depression can happen to Dad’s too. He needs to get help for the sake of your children and for himself

Sounds a very dangerous situation to be in OP, if he will not see GP & get help, he will have to leave. It’s unsafe for him to be around the baby, you need to protect your children from his temper. How would you ever forgive yourself if something happened to your baby, at his hands. So sorry you are in this situation, but you need to do something this situation is completely untenable.

I knew a couple like this. It all came out he'd been massively disappointed to have a second DD, wanted a son.
Stats show men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female and I wonder if they're men like your DH.
Whatever the cause your DC are not safe.

If my DH threatened to kill our baby and punched a wall (for any reason) I’d be out that door immediately. You need to leave and safeguard your child, she is not safe.

I’m rarely shocked at MN posts but this one has got me for some reason.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Does he work ?. I would think he acts completely differently around people in the outside world and work colleagues. These types as well never want help or therapy, he knows what he is doing here and he does not care for any of you. Some men also use depression as a reason to further abuse their chosen targets. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence.

What you’re describing here is domestic violence within the home.

He could well end up giving your youngest child life changing injuries. It is not beyond the realms of possibility. She is already the scapegoat for his inherent ills. Put your own self and children first now and get this man out of your day to day lives.

I'll add some information.
The second baby was planned and wanted by both of us. He does worry a lot, so before getting pregnant we talked a lot about whether we would have enough time, money etc. to have another child. He tends to be more pessimistic about those things than me.

And to elaborate on our other issues, they are not black and white, and definitely not just his fault. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to taking care of the kids and want things done at a very high standard. He sometimes feels like I suffocate the kids (and him) that way. I'm working on that on my end, because I know he's right. However, I sometimes feel like he just sits around and waits for me to tell him how to help out around the house. He'll always help out when asked, but doesn't take much initiative. He's also grown a lot in that aspect. So like I said, these are just normal day to day issues that couples with kids encounter. He's not the bad guy, or at least he hasn't been until this all started happening. He's never lost his temper or acted threatening in any way towards me or the oldest. He's always been a genuinely good guy. That's why I'm so shocked by the way he's acting now.

Since my post I've talked to him. He's been crying all night and feels incredibly ashamed of the way he acted. We've talked about him staying with his parents for a while until we sort this out. I've also made it very clear that we're on a breaking point. I will not tolerate his behavior, but even more I won't allow my children to grow up in a situation where they don't feel safe, loved, cared for or accepted by one of their parents. If he can't fix himself, he can't be involved in their lives. He agrees, says that if it was the other way around he'd do the same. He doesn't want to be a threat to our kids, but feels like he's overwhelmed and unable to control himself right now.
The replies about (postpartum) depression were interesting. I've sent him the links and I'm going to give him some space to read them and hopefully seek out some help.
Thank you all for your input

I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.

This is scary, and even someone who is struggling to bond with a baby or feels that they have no love for them wouldn't really say something like this. He would be out my house after that comment.

Speak to your GP and/or health visitor after getting him to leave. He can’t be around the baby. Can he stay somewhere else for a few weeks while you access help. I really feel for you. What an awful situation to be put in

I’m so sorry. I think I would have to leave or ask him to leave.

Your baby girl does not deserve this. Neither do you. You sound like an amazing mum.

@Hbos89 there is literally no excuse for punching walls.

@Hbos89

The only thing to focus on here is yours and your DC's safety.

What he wants/needs has to take a back seat until you are all safe.

You are currently at HIGH risk, particularly your baby.

Just because he stormed in and 'dumped' her fully clothed onto your lap while in the bath doesn't mean that next time he won't do something stupid like shake her. It only needs to happen once, and your poor baby could either die or become severely disabled because of being shaken.

Get supportive adults to come to your home (friends/ parents/PIL's) and tell them what's been happening, then ask for support in getting him to leave.

You only have one chance to protect your children, what happens to your marriage longer term doesn't matter. Keeping your babies safe DOES.

Currently, he won't admit he has a problem, and he's sweeping everything 'under the carpet', and no doubt, forbidding you from telling anyone. This almost guarantees that your baby will become a casualty, and will also fuck up your toddler emotionally too.

Only when his 'secret' is out in the open, will you stand even the smallest chance of getting him to admit he has a problem, and it's only when he admits he has a 'problem', that there's even a small chance of him seeking help.

Do your duty as a Mother, and put your children's safety ABOVE everything else.

They never do such things - until they do.

Tears can be manipulative. He does know what he is doing here and he is in control of his emotions. He’s already told you he does not want help yet you’ve been sending him stuff to read!. Concentrate your finite energy on you and both these children here rather than him.

You may also want to seek further advice about your perfectionist tendencies because that will cause you and in turn your kids problems too. You’re likely feeling overwhelmed and yet you do not treat either of your kids, particularly the youngest, like he has done.

You have a choice when it comes to this man, they do not. You are also not some rehab center for a badly raised man so stop acting like one.

Well done, he does need to leave while you work this out.

I will not tolerate his behavior, but even more I won't allow my children to grow up in a situation where they don't feel safe, loved, cared for or accepted by one of their parents

Then he leaves the house whilst he seeks professional help and proves he has changed. That is not normal behaviour to say that about a baby, and I would be very uncomfortable having him near them.