Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

Once, in extremis, with a lot of sleepless nights I could understand.

Several times - NO. He needs help and you need to get away in the meantime.

Good job broaching this with him and your plan seems solid.
I also think post natal depression might be to blame.

I agree with PP, you need to involve the police for a paper trail.
I wouldnt be leaving either of the kids with him.

He really must leave and seek help for how he feels. He could kill your baby.

You've 'talked about' him leaving. Is he leaving, OP? He needs to leave, today.

How do you know he's been 'crying all night'? Did he tell you this? Did you hear him? I'm sorry, but this sudden display of ostentatious emotion sounds manipulative.

I wonder if your standards are really not all that impossibly high, but he's labelled you a perfectionist as a stick to beat you with? Especially if he's incapable of taking the initiative himself? It sounds a bit as if he's set you up to fail there. Does nothing off his own bat (and taking care of a house and children really isn't a huge intellectual feat), so you have to step in and tell him what to do, then you're a perfectionist.

All that, though, is a side issue here. He is not safe to be around your children and IIWY I would be very cautious about falling for the tears and giving him sympathy. He needs to be out of the house and working seriously on his issues if he wants a hope of coming back. If he's upset, how the hell does he think his tiny baby is feeling, who can sense and has been on the direct receiving end of his hostility?

The only redeeming feature of him I can see is he gave the baby to you rather than carrying out his threat.

Clearly you have to get him out or you leave. Even if he was just venting rather forcefully how could you ever trust him again.

I'm sorry but your marriage is over as you must put your children first. I'd be reassessing his relationship and contact with your easiest too.

Just shocking. Poor you and your baby.

I'd separate.

He might grow up, apologize and start being a decent father to the baby or divorce might be the right choice if nothing improves when the baby is older..

What he says and does is Totally Unacceptable!

That's a start OP. The thing is we can all say things in the heat of the moment we don't mean but he is repeatedly resentful of what this second baby has come to represent. It is not even about the baby anymore I think.

If you split because of this, without a paper trail I'm afraid he will be able to have unsupervised contact if he wants it. Which he will, if you are correct in that he's generally a decent guy and loving father.

Be careful reading too much into tears. They can be of shame and guilt or self pity (all about him) whereas you want him to be able to empathise with your baby and think about how to do better.

He is suffering from serious mental health issues. If he continues to refuse to talk to a doctor you will have to insist he leaves. Personally O would not want him around my kids uneducated. I'm afraid its ultimatum time. Get help or go.

Meanwhile you should speak to your GP about your concerns. This sounds like a serious breakdown and he might need admitting. Dont leave the baby with him.

Not uneducated....unmedicated.

I think you have to judge this situation on what he does about this, not on what he says or how much he cries.

I struggled to connect with one of my dc - lots of parents do - but I took care of her, and sought help. That’s just being a responsible adult.

If he won’t see a gp or a therapist he is making a choice with consequences. If he cannot act like a responsible adult, he cannot be trusted like one.

Sorry I keep posting. I've had a similar breakdown and ended up with psychosis hearing voices. I'm fine now and back working as a medical professional. I dont remember most of it. Your safety first then his. Call the police, call the medical team.

@WTF475878237NC

That's a start OP. The thing is we can all say things in the heat of the moment we don't mean but he is repeatedly resentful of what this second baby has come to represent. It is not even about the baby anymore I think.

If you split because of this, without a paper trail I'm afraid he will be able to have unsupervised contact if he wants it. Which he will, if you are correct in that he's generally a decent guy and loving father.

Be careful reading too much into tears. They can be of shame and guilt or self pity (all about him) whereas you want him to be able to empathise with your baby and think about how to do better.

Yep. Words are all well amd good. Id be creating paper trails. Text messages referring to what he has done. Speak to GP so its on record and womans aid as a minimum. This feels nuclear but it is an insurance policy and 100% the right thing to do.

I am once bitten, twice shy so wouldnt think twice about this now but 15 years ago "shame" and doubt would have paralysed me

My late husband used to say I wouldn’t be happy with how he does things around the house and this way ensured he did nothing while I did everything. Washing machines are easier to use than computers but he somehow was mystified. Same thing with hanging up washing, ‘would be done wrong and not the way you want it’. Then he every now and then claimed to have cried about something (he slept in a different room so I had no idea if this actually happened) but it was done to diminish me as if I had done something wrong when I hadn’t - it was all about him and very manipulative. When my second child was a newborn I would ask him to look after her for 10mins so I could have a quick shower, no sooner had I turned the water on he was there with her crying- designed to deny me personal time and after a couple of instances like this I didn’t ask anymore - he had trained me not to inconvenience him. OP, don’t take what your husband says as a given, it’s likely he’s an accomplished liar and hates you.

His crying whether genuine or heart felt is manipulative. He needs to step up today. Your baby is not safe. It isn’t for you to understand. It’s for him to do whatever he has to do to change that. And as a start, that would be living somewhere, where your baby is not until this changes.

This isn’t a cry for help op. This is a warning. Listen. Please.

Yes, babies can be hard work, sometimes very demanding but he is an adult and must Never be so toxic around his own baby.

Counselling might help him to reflect on his feelings and to find the right strategy behaviour how it should be - loving, helpful, supportive husband and father to his both daughters.

He needs to want to do it and to want to start working on himself and his feelings.

When our son was 2 weeks old I wanted him in a night nursery/nanny so I could get a full night sleep because I was so exhausted.

My husband told me that night nursery doesn't exist and it's too expensive for a nanny, get on with it :). He was helping and we coped but it was crazy. I never ever thought breastfeeding was so crazy & demanding. I finally stopped it when our son was 2.5 months.

The 1st through the night sleep I finally had was when our son was 17 months old.

@Mummyoflittledragon

His crying whether genuine or heart felt is manipulative. He needs to step up today. Your baby is not safe. It isn’t for you to understand. It’s for him to do whatever he has to do to change that. And as a start, that would be living somewhere, where your baby is not until this changes.

This isn’t a cry for help op. This is a warning. Listen. Please.

Absolutely this, especially the last line.

It's not easy OP, even though it's the right thing to do. Reach out to agencies such as women's aid for support, friends, family- sadly this isn't a unique situation and people can provide the logistical and emotional support you need. Even if he doesn't physically harm your child, his words and actions will have a profound affect on them, and honestly the risk is far too great.

Hi op, this sounds incredibly stressful for you.
I'm going to go against the grain from most of the posters, and suggest that leaving him/him leaving might not be the best option.
It sounds like pretty classic postnatal depression- yes men DO get it, and it can often manifest in anger and detatchment. If he was a loving dad prior to this pregnancy, then it sounds like a depressive episode.
Yes, your children are your priority, this isn't to minimise their safety or yours in anyway. But PND, particularly in men, can be misunderstood, and heaping on shame and suggesting that he will harm his child will only make things worse. I know that when I had PND I hit the wall, raged, all sorts. It didn't mean that I would harm my baby. It rarely does.

But, he MUST seek professional help, for all your sakes. Depression is an illness and it's treatable, but he has to engage in treatment.

I hope you don't think that I'm being flippant about your issues, because because the partner of someone with MH issues is fucking hard, particularly if you're also dealing with looking after two children. But from what you said, your husband was a loving caring dad before this. He needs outside support, he needs to start interacting more with the baby to build that bond.

Sending lots of love. It's so hard on you. But I hope that eventually this will be a bad memory and you have a loving happy family x

@Youdonthavetobegood

Hi op, this sounds incredibly stressful for you. I'm going to go against the grain from most of the posters, and suggest that leaving him/him leaving might not be the best option. It sounds like pretty classic postnatal depression- yes men DO get it, and it can often manifest in anger and detatchment. If he was a loving dad prior to this pregnancy, then it sounds like a depressive episode. Yes, your children are your priority, this isn't to minimise their safety or yours in anyway. But PND, particularly in men, can be misunderstood, and heaping on shame and suggesting that he will harm his child will only make things worse. I know that when I had PND I hit the wall, raged, all sorts. It didn't mean that I would harm my baby. It rarely does.

But, he MUST seek professional help, for all your sakes. Depression is an illness and it's treatable, but he has to engage in treatment.

I hope you don't think that I'm being flippant about your issues, because because the partner of someone with MH issues is fucking hard, particularly if you're also dealing with looking after two children. But from what you said, your husband was a loving caring dad before this. He needs outside support, he needs to start interacting more with the baby to build that bond.

Sending lots of love. It's so hard on you. But I hope that eventually this will be a bad memory and you have a loving happy family x

Most people are suggesting he leaves the house whilst he seeks help rather than saying OP should abandon him. He clearly isn't safe to be around his child, without judgement on the cause of that- if it is depression then no it's not his fault, but that won't help to protect an innocent, defenseless child from his actions. This wasn't just a one off, and it runs the risk of escalating or carrying on as is and affecting little one for the rest of their lives.

I also think your husband has postnatal depression. I’m a single parent, and my daughter had reflux, when she was crying all night I would have horrendous thoughts about harming her just to get her to shut up. There were times when I had to leave her safely in her cot while I screamed in another room. Your husband might have acted alarmingly, but he did not harm your daughter. I would encourage him to seek help from the health visitor or GP as a first step.

Agree with @Youdonthavetobegood

Do tell your GP. For your own support and wellbeing. Do encourage your DH to seek help. Recovery is possible. There is hope. He needs to know things can be different.

Is there someone outside of the house he would talk to? Friend? Family member? You need to make your GP aware of what is happening as they can intervene.

Would your husband benefit from noise cancelling/reducing head phones in addition to help from a mental health professional.

Baby crying can trigger fight or flight so dulling the noise may help your husband.