Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

There really is no room on mumsnet for men to suffer from mental health problems, is there? They’re always only capable of manipulation and abuse. I’m sure in many cases that is what’s going on, but surely in some they’re just the same as all of us - imperfect humans. I’m going to assume your husband is a good man, not out to kill you and your children, purely because you say you’ve been happy with him for years. That doesn’t mean to say you shouldn’t protect yourself and your children.

Men do suffer mental health problems. Postnatal depression in anyone can present as intolerance to crying, feeling overwhelmed and out of character behaviour. The wall punch and words he used must have been terrifying, and you certainly do need to make sure he isn’t taking care of the baby until he’s no longer feeling that rage reaction to her crying. It’s really good that he feels secure enough with you to be honest about how he feels and you want to keep that going.

If he moves out for a while and you instead meet for two-hour bursts to do family activities that might help slowly build confidence back? Having him use headphones with calming music on when he’s interacting with your baby might also help. Based on what you’ve said, he certainly shouldn’t be unsupervised with her. If you direct him to the charity ICON, they might be able to help him.

My husband had a less extreme response to our very colicky second born. He felt inexplicable rage dealing with the baby screaming and told me he felt scared by the rage reaction he had. I did the same as you, and did all care for the baby in the first 3 months. It was hard, but my husband did all the cooking, cleaning and caring for our other child in that time. He just couldn’t at that point cope with the baby. Yes, there were arguments and resentments, but we came through it and he’s now bonding with our second child and the rage he felt disappeared as quickly as it had come on. It’s disappointing to know someone you love so much is so ‘weak’ (for want of a better word), but we’re not all in perfect and rational at all stages of our life.

What would I do? I’d get him the fuck away from my baby. It sounds like he’s having some kind of mental health episode and he’s not able to physically control himself around the baby, I would be absolutely terrified that he would shake her in a moment of frustration. He only needs to do that once and then all of your lives are changed forever. Get him out immediately until he gets himself better, please do not leave him alone with that precious girl.

@DDUW

He needs to move out. Calling the police would not be an overreaction. I feel nothing for my DC, never have, but never have I threatened to kill them.

Call women's aid first thing, as soon as he is out of the house. They will support and advise you. You also need to report the threat and the punching walls to the police. These are crimes and will only escalate. If you don't call now, it will be harder to report it when it does. Having a provable, recorded pattern of escalation will help you in the long run.

Stop focusing on whether he loves the baby or not. This is way bigger than that. My exh went on to physically harm his least favourite child repeatedly. The way to protect your children is to get away from him. You need to protect yourself.

I know none of this is what you want to hear. Counselling won't help. Only leaving him will help.

What is your housing situation?

Even if he doesn’t physically kill her, your baby is now the scapegoat to her older sister’s Golden Child. This doesn’t stop, unfortunately And this. Have a look on the stately homes threads here if you want to see the future your baby will have if you stay with this man.

I feel nothing for my DC, never have

Omg... This made my blood run cold. If you feel nothing for your children then you need to be giving them up for adoption. That's not fair on them. Children know when they're not loved!!!! Please don't damage them any further

He threatened to kill your baby. He literally punched a wall.

This is violent and abusive behaviour. It doesn't matter why he's behaving like this. It only matters that it is happening.

If he won't take the initiative and leave because he recognises he is unsafe around his baby (which is what a decent person would do) then you need to get him out or get yourself and kids out, whichever is easiest.

People who threaten to kill their infant babies often do.

Please keep your babies safe and get away from him. If there's anything to be salvaged of your relationship, if it's a MH issue, or anything else, you can work on that from a safe distance once you've got your children away from the danger that he currently represents.

Please make your baby safe.
Your baby is not safe with your husband.
If he throws her into your arms he may throw her down or shake her.
If he does there is NO coming back from that.
Disability or death may occur.
He needs to leave the home atm and seek mental health treatment.

Lots of people here saying he should leave. Hmmm and how do you think that will go? " please leave " " ok then " ?
Op take you and your children to a safe place then take legal steps for him to leave , it's the only way .
I think he knows his behaviour is unacceptable but while you are still there he will continue.

"feels like he's overwhelmed and unable to control himself right now"

So he's told you. He is already saying it isn't within his control. I'd be getting my children away from him ASAP

@sunnytimes83

Wow, what harsh answers! Is it at all possible your husband is suffering from post natal depression? How much sleep he gets at night? How is he performing at work since second birth? A refluxy baby is a very very hard phase to get through so you do need to look after each other. A joint or separate GP visit would be a great idea x

Or he could just be a cunt?

Actual PND didn't make me this ragey, as abusive to my dh, or make me punch walls, or threaten to 'fucking kill' my dc.

He's going to kill your baby.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Don't doubt them. Don't doubt yourself. All the red flags are there. He needs help.

That's not your responsibility to provide or facilitate.

You need to leave him. The trust is completely gone. He can never never be left alone with the children.

He threatened to kill his baby whilst dropping her into your arms fully dressed while you were in the bath. You are at risk of minimising this. Tell everyone.

Even depressed people don't get to threaten to kill their babies. Report it to the police and your phn.
The relationship is over.

Your child is in immediate danger of being handled roughy/dangerously, shaken or worse. You need to get her away from him.

I don't understand why you are so calm about this. I'm not usually one for drama, but what he said (saying he would kill your baby) and did (punching a wall) is terrifying.

If this is real there are only two options. You leave with the children or he leaves. Either way he gets some counselling, now.

Are you in the UK OP? Either way, him moving in with his parents whilst he seeks professional help makes sense. However before he returns you also need to work out some boundaries/load sharing between you.

He really needs to get to a state where he can pick up his share of house/parenting tasks before he returns or you will spend the next decade on egg shells afraid to have any expectations in case he reverts.

Is it clinical "male postnatal depression" or is it "life has changed and I'm annoyed by the noise and bored by the work and not the centre of my wife's world anymore, also she's sooooo demanding and perfectionist with her 'don't scream at the baby' stuff, I can't do anything right can I?"

He needs to leave, this situation is not safe for your baby.

Please leave with your girls, for good OP. I know it's easier said than done but you will spend your life tip toeing around him. So will your babies.

Whether he is mentally ill or not (not for me to say) your safety has to be priority.

No man 'D'H or not is worth risking yours and your children's lives.

Lots of people struggle to love their babies and without help things can go very, very wrong.

OP, your husband has been telegraphing and clearly communicating that he knows there is a serious problem and it is extremely important that you hear him and take his communications seriously, as you now have done.

Your husband, understandably, feels immense shame over his failure to love his new baby. He probably believes that nobody else has ever felt this way.

I have posted a link to a documentary about mothers who struggle to love their babies and who are shocked by their own feelings of hatred and resentment towards their babies.

The documentary is very moving and shows how, with professional help, parents who are struggling can go on to bond with their babies and to love them very much.

I think that watching this documentary might help your husband to understand that
a) he is not alone in having such feelings
b) that there is help out there from people who understand and that
c) he can, with help, develop a loving bind with his baby.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am not dismissing the safeguarding concerns of other posters. The situation is extremely serious, but then you and your husband both know this.

I just wanted to share the video as I think it might be extremely helpful for you and your husband to watch together or for him to watch just to help support him in moving in the right direction and getting the help he so obviously needs.

Sending you love

@PumpkinsandTea don't say such ridiculous things. You have no idea what "giving her children up for adoption " will do as if it's that simple.
It's not nice to hear of course but some people feel that way and still carry out their responsibilities and parent well

You poor love. It was the second baby that changed things for us too, pushed him over the edge in relation to depression and alcoholism. With one baby he was just able to cope, he could’nt with two. But guess what, I had to! My advice is - don’t try and manage him or limit his stress or take even more on yourself to try and fix him. It won’t work. He needs to tackle it , through counselling or medication if needed. I genuinely think some guys get Pnd too when their lives are changed by babies. But none of this is your fault … you can’t fix it by doing more or ‘better’. I spent three years trying to ‘fix it’ before I cracked and started to tell people what was going on. Wasted years. He did tackle it but not till then. Mind yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help x

@sunnytimes83

Wow, what harsh answers! Is it at all possible your husband is suffering from post natal depression? How much sleep he gets at night? How is he performing at work since second birth? A refluxy baby is a very very hard phase to get through so you do need to look after each other. A joint or separate GP visit would be a great idea x

You are kidding, right?

If, for the sake of clarity, he is depressed, stressed etc, then he needs to seek medical care. That is a long term issue.

Short term his current behaviour is a clear and real threat to a baby! Right now!

So what would you suggest OP do? Hang on in there cos he'll come right?

Fuck that!

@Hbos89 You kow he is being violent and unreasonable. He probably knows it too. So firstly, sort out you and the kids, grab all the needed stuff, paperwork etc. Plan somewhere you can go, be safe. Get the kids out of the house for a few hours, have someone ready to come and collect you.

Then talk to him. Tell him that ideally, for the least impact on the kids, he has to leave and seek help. Neither he nor you can take the chance that he will hurt your child.

Basically, you know him, he could be in all sorts of hurt, or he could really be unfeeling, uncaring, angry about your youngest. Do what is best for the kids, get them away from him. Short or long term is down to him!

OP, you need to be somewhere safe with baby and your older DD while he reflects on his behaviour and decides what he's going to do to sort himself out.

You cannot leave baby with him after he's dropped her in the bath to you, and punched a wall, and threatened to kill her. Short term it's a high physical risk of harm and longer term, if he doesn't harm her, it will cause her emotional distress and drive a wedge between her and older sister who will be perfect child. It'll be an unhappy home regardless unless he sorts himself out ASAP.

Have you got family? Ones who will support you and let you stay for a little while.
Or has he got family he can go to for a bit? I know it'll be hard to do it all alone but your doing that anyway with baby DD.

X

Kick him out now. What he said is terrifying. Please don’t expose your DD to his anger or remotely trust or forgive him again. He’s dangerous.

PS - you don’t need to leave. HE does.

🥺 Please never leave the baby with him, in fact you do need to leave. He’s shown anger towards her and the inability to control his emotions, I’d be really scared for your little one right now.

We struggled to conceive our first DD and were very surprised to conceive naturally after unsuccessful IVF and being told it wouldn't happen. We considered it a fluke. When I got naturally pregnant with my second DD my husband was shocked and said he didn't think he could love another child as much as our DD. When DD2 was born he wasn't hands on (wasn't much with the first tbh) and left most of the parenting to me. He wasn't angry or violent but treated the girls differently with the eldest being the 'golden child' and the youngest the one he would blame for everything - something broken, something missing, any mishap at all. My youngest DD grew up believing she wasn't good enough and that breaks my heart. I left my H recently and wish I'd had the strength and means to leave him a lot earlier.

Don't stay with this man unless he's prepared to put in a lot of effort and get help for his behaviours OP.