Husband doesn't love our baby

[Hbos89]

Hey guys, I really need some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Our oldest daughter is 2 and we have a 2 month old baby girl.
Since being parents, we've struggled as a couple but we've been working hard on overcoming our issues. But that's for another thread.

Right now however, I'm faced with something that just feels like it's the end for us.

When I got pregnant the second time, my husband wasn't as involved as the first time around. He didn't care much about the ultrasounds. Didn't follow up on how big she was or how she was developing. I thought maybe it was just less special cause he'd already seen it all once before. But it's all just gotten so much worse since she was born.
There must be about 500 pictures of our oldest daughter on his phone from the first few days in the hospital. Of the baby, there are none. I noticed he never picked her up unless he had to. He doesn't call her sweet names, which he did/does all the time with the oldest. He says things like 'I wish she would just sleep all the time. Any time she wakes up, I can't stand it. I don't have the energy to deal with her.' He also gets very angry when she cries, like she' s doing it on purpose to annoy him. Today he admitted to not feeling any love for her at all.
I've tried to take care of her all on my own. I do all the feedings, chance all the diapers, hold her when she cries. And I'm doing that on top of caring for the oldest and doing the household (70/30 for me I'd say). Problem is that our youngest also has bad reflux, so she cries a lot when you put her down. I carry her around upright all day long. I don't ask for much help, but when I do it just escalates very quickly. Last night I asked if I could take a bath and leave the baby with him. I was gone less than 10 minutes when I heard her crying. I texted to see if he was okay, after which he came barging in, dropped the baby in my arms fully clothed and walked out saying 'I'm going to f*ing kill her!', punches a wall before leaving and then he's gone.
This kind of thing has happened several times before. Never with the oldest.
I'm trying to be understanding. He's having a hard time feeling any love for her. That's not something he chooses. I know he feels ashamed that this is happening. It's all so out of character for him. He's always been nothing but gentle with our oldest. I'm the strict one and he'll just give her anything she wants if she smiles at him nicely. But I just feel unsafe around him now. I'm afraid he'll end up hurting the baby. I also feel very alone. I never get a break and I feel like I have to love her enough for the both of us.
Despite our issues in the past, I have never felt like I loved him less for it. But this is different. This is my baby. My kids are my whole world and I'm very protective of them. It scares me, but I'm not looking at my husband the same way anymore.
I've asked him to talk to someone, our family doctor or a therapist. He refuses.

Help! What would you do if you were me?

Very uneasy that after saying he's going to kill your baby, he is likely to do some performative 'seeking of help' and come straight back home. Sorry to be cynical as clearly he does have a problem and I do hope he gets (and engages with) help, but please please please keep yourself and your children safe. I've had mental health issues and felt utterly overwhelmed at times and never in a million years would I have said something like that about my child or any child or person. He is dangerous IMO.

@Hen2018

Hen2018 Mother of a shaken baby here.

Get him out.
Am so sorry. Is your baby ok?

He was shaken to frighten me, not with the intention of killing him. He’s a man now (just!) No one can say if any damage occurred when he was 1. He has ASD, selective mutism and learning difficulties, fine motor problems and nystagmus.

What happened to the person who did this?

I’ve not read every post, just your original post OP. I’m struggling to understand why you are still with this man, pack your bag and get out before he harms your baby!

@ShepherdMoons

I’ve not read every post, just your original post OP. I’m struggling to understand why you are still with this man, pack your bag and get out before he harms your baby!

Well read the full thread. It isn't rocket science. Click on read all at the bottom of first post.

@ShepherdMoons

I’ve not read every post, just your original post OP. I’m struggling to understand why you are still with this man, pack your bag and get out before he harms your baby!

Actually it's see all. Then you read all of the OPs replies.

Good to see your update op. Keep firm on what you need to see in terms of his engagement with treatment but it sounds as though he has realised how serious things have got. That he told your mum and brother what he did himself seems really positive. Good luck with the days ahead.

I’m never one to jump on the “LTB” parade but this thread made me feel sick to my stomach. I think he’s shown how easy it can be for him to flip and he’s punched the wall this time but what next? I saw your update and that’s a positive step but he shouldn’t be back in the house for a long, long time and until you’ve got proof he’s better - honestly though he wouldn’t be back in my house full stop and as I say I don’t normally say this kind of thing on here as I often believe we don’t know the full story.

When I was pregnant with my LO I came across stories about shaken baby and it’s terrifying- it can happen to any family, even someone whose never shown violent tendencies before and one day snaps. Given he’s already shown he can’t hold his temper, I’d say he’s a huge risk to your child and shouldn’t be left with her alone.

Good luck and stay strong - you’ve already shown how strong you are and you can give those children everything they need.

I’m glad he was compliant, left and told his parents - I’d be subtly checking what he said tbh. Do his parents know this is the result of almost a year of total disconnection?

Are you saying punching the wall was an act of self harm? The moment when your baby was at risk of physical harm should have been the moment when you stopped excusing it. It was a violent act and domestic abuse, whatever his motivation and inner turmoil he was suffering. It’s the same reasoning, which gives rise to thoughts such as, ‘he punched me, he didn’t mean to, he was abused as a child’.

I hope this isn’t being excused in his family as such. It could very easily be turned around into poor him, the impact that this all had on him. Then the questions of when are you going to take him back. How unreasonable you’re being for keeping him away from your eldest.

This may be PND but it was happening throughout your entire pregnancy. That wasn’t PND.

Please get some kind of therapy yourself to unravel this and to stop minimising. You’ve been through a traumatic experience, as have your children. You need to put your oxygen mask on first. Your husband is an adult and ultimately needs to sort himself out.

Re a few people saying "he lost control", I'm not so sure. In Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" book, he asks abusers, "if you lost control, why didn't you just kill her, why didn't you snap her neck?" And they say in shock, "no I'd never do that!"

Because they didn't actually lose control. They did exactly what they wanted and what they unconsciously decided was acceptable as a threat.

OP's husband didn't lose control either. Treating OP and his baby like total shit for a year, sulking and snapping and all the little incidents, eventually punching the wall and saying he wanted to kill the child - all of these are and were acceptable somewhere in his head. He gave into his temper and moods and did exactly what he wanted to.

And unless he's really, really dim, of course he knew that punching a wall would scare you OP. It wasn't done to hurt himself. It was done to frighten you into obeying him. He's lying (or not admitting the truth) even now to minimise it all.

So while I'm so glad he's out of the house and seeking help, please stick to it OP and keep judging on his actions in the long run. Don't give into his tears at wanting to come back to his cosy home, or a quick turnaround "I've talked to a doctor and my mum and I'll be better now I promise" either.

Re a few people saying "he lost control", I'm not so sure. In Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" book, he asks abusers, "if you lost control, why didn't you just kill her, why didn't you snap her neck?" And they say in shock, "no I'd never do that!"

Because they didn't actually lose control. They did exactly what they wanted and what they unconsciously decided was acceptable as a threat.

100%. And even if they did actually lose control, get the hell out of there with the kids because who knows how bad it will be next time?

Your child could be in danger of not only physical, but emotional abuse too when she grows up. I wonder if he sees her as s symbol of his life going down the pan or something. Please do something about it.

Agree with pp saying that of course he was in control of his behaviour. If not, he would have killed the baby already. He knows he can't just do that without setting up a narrative about how unbearable it is for him and how he's the real victim here.

And now the helpful women of MN have given him the idea of post natal depression to work into his victimhood narrative.

OP you are right to keep him away from your kids but please stop focusing on his feelings and start looking at this with a cool head. He is dangerous and you are minimising and fooling yourself about it.

Op please buy Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do It? Book.

Please.

Also abusers can't typically get the help they need from the NHS.

It has to be CBT specialised for abusers and battery. It's not something the NHS are specialised in.

Therapists who are specialised in it are also trained not to put up with the woe is me crap.

Ultimately he's only going to get help to appease you, not to actually benefit himself. Otherwise he would have done it a long time ago.

Sadly, if someone will only bend at the point of ultimatum, it's too late for them. It's not a choice they will make willingly even if it appears that on the outside they're "choosing". They're complying to make their life easier.

It's easier for him to tell your mum and brother what happened, and tell them his story and how he's mentally unwell and needs to seek help rather than you tell your mum and your brother he threatened to kill your baby. Because their reaction would have been different.

I mean, we can't make your life choices for you. But we're a collective of women, many who have been abused, who can see the red flags and the warning signs, and some of us who chose to stay or to keep them until it was too late. Please get help for yourself. Tell them everything. I wish you all the best love.

You can get a free copy of the book on your phone by Googling "free pdf why does he do that".

Seconding @Couchbettato's advice.
That book is golden!

@Vanishun

Re a few people saying "he lost control", I'm not so sure. In Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" book, he asks abusers, "if you lost control, why didn't you just kill her, why didn't you snap her neck?" And they say in shock, "no I'd never do that!"

Because they didn't actually lose control. They did exactly what they wanted and what they unconsciously decided was acceptable as a threat.

OP's husband didn't lose control either. Treating OP and his baby like total shit for a year, sulking and snapping and all the little incidents, eventually punching the wall and saying he wanted to kill the child - all of these are and were acceptable somewhere in his head. He gave into his temper and moods and did exactly what he wanted to.

And unless he's really, really dim, of course he knew that punching a wall would scare you OP. It wasn't done to hurt himself. It was done to frighten you into obeying him. He's lying (or not admitting the truth) even now to minimise it all.

So while I'm so glad he's out of the house and seeking help, please stick to it OP and keep judging on his actions in the long run. Don't give into his tears at wanting to come back to his cosy home, or a quick turnaround "I've talked to a doctor and my mum and I'll be better now I promise" either.

I hope you reread this op and all the posts just after it. They’ve expressed far better than I have about how uneasy I feel about the explanation.

And I totally agree with the point that he’s now got an anchor and PND label to refer back to his victimhood.

The Lundy Bancroft book is brilliant.

The Lundy Bancroft book is excellent, I send you love and support OP x

@DeeCeeCherry

The only thing that matters here is the safety of your child and a man that says he'll fucking kill his own child is abhorrent. I bet you've not told anybody in real life what he said because you very well know they will (rightly) be horrified.

There is absolutely nothing you can say to excuse his angry outbursts, and punching walls. Nothing.

Your long updates about his feelings are irrelevant. CHILD first not MAN first.

Absolutely this. Ive never met an abuser who didn’t have a tragic back story, it doesn’t matter. What they are doing is still abuse. Creating all this reasoning and delving into their emotional state all serves to put the focus back on them and their needs while ignoring the safety of the wife and child. It’s a great diversion tactic for abusers.

@Hbos89 I'm so glad he's being compliant and staying away. Also that he's admitted his behaviour/feelings to your family. That must have been uncomfortable for everyone, you included.

I think you are dealing with it well, I really hope that it works out. Please don't forget yourself in this and get any support you need too. Even if it's just a chat with a GP to keep yourself informed.

I wish you all the best.

Health visitor here
I think that you have both acted appropriately and protectively towards your baby. I believe that your partner needs specialist support rather than from his GP. His GP ought to be the referrer for this. Please do not leave your baby alone with him as you have said you will not
Speak to your health visitor. You yourself maybe vulnerable to PND due to these events and the stress engendered
Hope things work out well for you all

@user1471082124

Health visitor here I think that you have both acted appropriately and protectively towards your baby. I believe that your partner needs specialist support rather than from his GP. His GP ought to be the referrer for this. Please do not leave your baby alone with him as you have said you will not Speak to your health visitor. You yourself maybe vulnerable to PND due to these events and the stress engendered Hope things work out well for you all

Best advice on the thread! I bet this is not an uncommon problem.....

I don't agree with confusing depression of any kind with this kind of aggression. This is frustrated, angry behaviour. It's also a measured display of aggression. Hitting next too if often a precursor to a direct hit.

I'm not saying the DH is not depressed (he does not sound like a very happy individual after all) but that the one does not excuse the other.

Please seek professional advice and keep your DC safe. Never forget the treat was made directly to a very helpless DC. It wasn't directed at himself or at you. It usually pays to listen to want is being said. What is said in anger is often the unfiltered truth.

Working with HV's and GP's is a good start but you really need support from DA specialists and most probably a proper MH evaluation before you can plan any kind of contact.

@Vanishun

Re a few people saying "he lost control", I'm not so sure. In Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" book, he asks abusers, "if you lost control, why didn't you just kill her, why didn't you snap her neck?" And they say in shock, "no I'd never do that!"

Because they didn't actually lose control. They did exactly what they wanted and what they unconsciously decided was acceptable as a threat.

OP's husband didn't lose control either. Treating OP and his baby like total shit for a year, sulking and snapping and all the little incidents, eventually punching the wall and saying he wanted to kill the child - all of these are and were acceptable somewhere in his head. He gave into his temper and moods and did exactly what he wanted to.

And unless he's really, really dim, of course he knew that punching a wall would scare you OP. It wasn't done to hurt himself. It was done to frighten you into obeying him. He's lying (or not admitting the truth) even now to minimise it all.

So while I'm so glad he's out of the house and seeking help, please stick to it OP and keep judging on his actions in the long run. Don't give into his tears at wanting to come back to his cosy home, or a quick turnaround "I've talked to a doctor and my mum and I'll be better now I promise" either.

Worth quoting again. Mummyoflittledragon's post spot on too.

The wall punching was not an act of self-punishment. The way you describe it, it all happened in the same action as the threat to kill and (effectively) throwing the baby at you. It was absolutely a demonstration of 'this is what I'd like to do' - to you and/or to the baby.

OP, I know you love him, I know you can barely believe or cope with this (by your account) new side of him he's showing - but don't forget it has been building since you've been pregnant - I know you want him to still be the nice man you married and love; but all that has gone now, at least for the time being. The work he needs to do needs to not just be about this incident, but about his callousness during your pregnancy, his rejection of his second daughter, how he anticipates his relationship with his children playing out long-term. He needs proper, searching therapy, not just a visit to the GP. He needs to be prepared for the long haul. It may be that his attitude changes once he realises it won't just be a matter of performing contriteness and restoring the status quo.

I may be wrong, I hope I am. But I can see things starting to revolve around him again, even in your post. These things shouldn't be taken at his pace - they should be taken at yours, and the children's.

OP you say he has anxiety, this can manifest in behaviour like this. Glad he is away from you and the children whilst he seeks help, it doesn't really matter whether it's his fault per se or whatever he is struggling with his mental health- his actions are the same and he needed to be removed from the environment. Please don't have it back until he has addressed and got this behaviour under control, living with a ticking time bomb is both dangerous and will ruin your life.

Please leave. Don't become another dead woman statistic. Or have your baby shaken. She's in danger and is relying on you to protect her.