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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling abandoned bc hub is away

187 replies

applejanepie · 02/11/2021 04:12

Hubby is going away for two weeks overseas for work. I’m five months pregnant with a toddler DD too. Feeling resentful that he gets to travel and I’m stuck at home babysitting and cleaning. Also feeling abandoned bc will miss one of the prenatal appts and now I have to manage the whole house alone. Want to give him silent treatment while he’s away. (Yeah I know it’s immature, and I should be grateful for time alone…). Advice to make this easier? TY

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 02/11/2021 17:31

@DillonPanthersTexas

Is 'managing the house' a thing? Don't you just live in it and tidy up etc when needed like every bugger else has to?

This is Mumsnet, managing the household is up there with running a FTSE 100 multinational.

GrinGrinGrin
KirstenBlest · 02/11/2021 17:38

Not even read the OP, got as far as I’m stuck at home babysitting.

It's your child, it's not babysitting.

Fetarabbit · 02/11/2021 17:39

@DillonPanthersTexas

Is 'managing the house' a thing? Don't you just live in it and tidy up etc when needed like every bugger else has to?

This is Mumsnet, managing the household is up there with running a FTSE 100 multinational.

Haha so true, along with school admin that requires hours upon hours a week.

OP if you're that unhappy it seems like him being away for 2 weeks isn't the underlying issue.

Babdoc · 02/11/2021 17:50

Hmm. I would suggest counting your blessings, OP.
My DH died when our two DC were babies.
I raised them alone while working as a hospital doctor, in a stressful operating theatre all day.

My nearest relatives were 250 miles away, also working and therefore unavailable. I am still on my own 30 years later.
I would have been ecstatic to only have DH missing for two weeks. I still mourn him now.
I think you need to get things in proportion, change what you can, and accept what you can’t, with good grace.

ItsMsAtomicBobToYou · 02/11/2021 17:58

In the nicest way possible... cop on.

He's not travelling on a jolly, he's working. I get feeling resentful, god knows I've had my moments when I've had two children hanging out of me, a full time job and a non site if a house to deal with while my husband works away for a few weeks at a time, but unless you get your head around this, it's going to negatively affect your relationship.

If travel is a regular thing, you need to either make your peace with it or discuss the possibility of a new job in the future. That may or may not be possible.

BashfulClam · 02/11/2021 18:09

The silent treatment is such a childish thing to do. I’d that your normal way of letting him know when you are annoyed at him? I prefer just talking about it like adults. You are allowed to say that it’s challenging etc but not to punish your husband.

groundcontroltomajormum · 02/11/2021 18:13

@applejanepie

Thank you for all the compassionate responses. I work full-time at a stressful job and it is not easy juggling with no family nearby. But I agree silent treatment is not the answer. I will try to see if there is extra help I can get.

For the non-compassionate ones saying I am crazy or selfish: Not helpful at all. I didn’t kill anyone. I’ve seen a post on Mumsnet by a mistress with more empathy. Maybe don’t respond if you’re in a grumpy mood.

It's a bit of a silly thing for a grown up woman to ask
Bluntness100 · 02/11/2021 18:17

@DillonPanthersTexas

Is 'managing the house' a thing? Don't you just live in it and tidy up etc when needed like every bugger else has to?

This is Mumsnet, managing the household is up there with running a FTSE 100 multinational.

I know it’s like something out of downton abbey. The ops apparantly managing a “whole household” when actually she means looking after her one kid for a few evenings and weekends.
OverweightPidgeon · 02/11/2021 18:22

I’m sure there are hundreds of single parents on here who worked and brought up their children for years- you’ve got to do it for 2 weeks 🙄

grapewine · 02/11/2021 18:23

I know it’s like something out of downton abbey. The ops apparantly managing a “whole household” when actually she means looking after her one kid for a few evenings and weekends.

This tbh. Get a plan in place for when the baby gets here, in case husband has to travel again.

HeartvsBrain · 02/11/2021 18:32

Hi OP, you are pregnant, you were awake in the middle of the night - a time when we feel at our most vunerable. So you have your hormones all over place, a toddler that is probably exhausting, and the late/earliness of the hour. I am sorry OP that you are feeling so crap, and that many of the mumsnetters who have posted on here are showing little signs of empathy.

You say yourself that you know wanting to give your husband the silent treatment is immature, but what I am wondering is where your feelings are coming from. It sounds like you may not have any other family support close to you, or even a close friend who could give you some company and maybe go to your appointment with you?

Is your DH going away with his job a new occurance, and if it is, is it likely to be a one off, or has he recently changed jobs and this will now become a frequent part of his job? Does your DH know how stressed you are feeling, and if so, is he sympathetic and says he will call you every night, or would he be frustrated to know you feel like this, and it would make him feel stressed as well because it is part of his job, and he has to do it? (There isn't a right or wrong answer to my questions, it can just help in knowing what to suggest to you).

Lastly, have you ever felt abandoned before OP, either by a partner, or a parent?

EmotionalSupportBear · 02/11/2021 18:48

my first thought was 'grow up' but having taken the time to read your other posts, i'm not going to say that, and instead just send you an internet hug, and tell you just to pause for a minute, take a breath, and relax, by the sound of it you've been mulling it all over and got yourself a bit wound up/fed up thinking about the two weeks as impending hardship/minor disaster.

Working full time, pregnant, and handling a toddler is going to be difficult, so time to pull yourself out of the wallowing about it, and be a little proactive... think about the things you can do to make it a bit easier.

Don't worry so much about the housework, there's one less person, so less mess, just concentrate on getting a bit of laundry done and keeping on top of the kitchen stuff.. don't feel ashamed if you make life easier by getting some paper plates for the week if it'll help to just chuck them out after food rather than generating washing up Grin

Precook some stuff to freeze, or get some frozen meals in (if you can stomach them), see if any friends would be willing to help out with anything, i know i will always help out friends if they need it :)

It'll be ok, its only two weeks, so long as you get through each day with both of you fed, the rest can happen when you have the time/energy. Flowers

HeartvsBrain · 02/11/2021 18:53

Sorry OP, I started my answer to you ages ago, but then life took over, and if I had gone back to see any further posts I would have lost what I had already written!

I now see that your nearest support is 4 hours away, so I agree with you if you can go there for the weekend while your DH is away it would be both something to look forward, and it would give you some extra support too. Also, is there anyone there who could come back with you and stay for a couple of days with you? Arranging to do fun things with your toddler sounds great too! If the weather is bad you could have a blanket picnic tea on the floor, and invite your DD's favourite teddies and dolls. I am sure you can come up with lots of ideas that wouldn't take too much effort, but would be quality time between you and your DD before your new baby arrives.

From your subsequent posts OP you sound really strong, so I am sure that the two weeks will fly by, and you will have some great fun with your DD 💐

Boudiccasback · 02/11/2021 18:56

@OverweightPidgeon

I’m sure there are hundreds of single parents on here who worked and brought up their children for years- you’ve got to do it for 2 weeks 🙄
Yes and most of them have every other weekend off and some of school holidays tooHmm
NerrSnerr · 02/11/2021 18:58

I get it. I found looking after my toddler when I was pregnant really hard, especially when my husband is away- it was hard even though he's away a lot. I remember being unwell when pregnant (hg) with a poorly toddler and my husband on a different continent with no family support and it was the worst feeling.

Now the children are older (4 and 7) it's much easier and although we look forward to him coming home I'm not counting down the hours like I used to.

As some PP have said (quite rudely in some cases) of course you have to get on with it- but that doesn't mean you can't acknowledge that it's a bit shit and very hard at times.

MrsKeats · 02/11/2021 19:03

You can't babysit your own kids.
Dear me.

makelovenotpetrol · 02/11/2021 19:13

Grow up

Helpmeplease0 · 02/11/2021 19:27

Honestly. Grow up. He's working away not going on a lads on tour holiday.

Fetarabbit · 02/11/2021 19:28

Yes and most of them have every other weekend off and some of school holidays too

Biscuit
Couldhavebeenme3 · 02/11/2021 19:34

Yes and most of them have every other weekend off and some of school holidays too

Yeah, cos that takes all the pressure off the rest of the time, all the hard work, emotional load and pure grunt that it takes to parent on your own.

My kids have seen their dad once in 2 years, I'd love to have an hour 'off' my kids, what with my full time job and everything, while my ex ACTUALLY fucks off on golfing weekends/weeks/fortnights without a single thought for his kids

MintyGreenDream · 02/11/2021 19:41

Dh has been away from us mon to fri for months.Yabu.2 weeks is nothing.

Sally872 · 02/11/2021 19:41

If you are working 50 hours a week then there is no way your child can do any extra curriculars.

Luckily as child is a toddler and socialising at nursery there is no need for anything else (unless you want to) take that pressure off for for start.

MintyGreenDream · 02/11/2021 19:44

And why would you go in for another baby if its not the lifestyle you want?

Offmyfence · 02/11/2021 20:35

@Sally872

If you are working 50 hours a week then there is no way your child can do any extra curriculars.

Luckily as child is a toddler and socialising at nursery there is no need for anything else (unless you want to) take that pressure off for for start.

Exactly!!
Bluntness100 · 02/11/2021 20:46

Yes and most of them have every other weekend off and some of school holidays too

God I can’t believe someone actually wrote that. 😱

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