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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling abandoned bc hub is away

187 replies

applejanepie · 02/11/2021 04:12

Hubby is going away for two weeks overseas for work. I’m five months pregnant with a toddler DD too. Feeling resentful that he gets to travel and I’m stuck at home babysitting and cleaning. Also feeling abandoned bc will miss one of the prenatal appts and now I have to manage the whole house alone. Want to give him silent treatment while he’s away. (Yeah I know it’s immature, and I should be grateful for time alone…). Advice to make this easier? TY

OP posts:
Arrowheart · 02/11/2021 13:00

Read back your OP and then grow up. You sound pathetic.

JovialNickname · 02/11/2021 13:08

It would be very unkind to stop speaking to him whilst he's away, he's at work not off on a jolly, and presumably his job is what supports the household?

It also wouldn't work - it would just really escalate things as he'd then be resentful towards you for punishing him for having a job. Successful relationships are ones where you nip these kind of feelings in the bud before they build and escalate. Talk to your partner, tell him he will be missed when he's away and silly as it is, you will feel a bit lonely. Talk it through with him and let him reassure you.

toastfiend · 02/11/2021 13:26

You're being extremely unfair, OP, and 2 weeks is a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of things.

My DH spent a grand total of 3 months at home over the first year of our marriage. He worked and lived away from home Monday to Friday for the duration of my first pregnancy and for the first 6 months of our son's life. We're currently back to him only being home at weekends for the next 6 months and now we have toddler DS and I'm working. Yes, it's hard work at times, but I don't resent him. It's bloody hard for him, too. He might get to go to the pub in the evenings, but he misses home and family life hugely. This week he's away with work, then going to a stag do this weekend, then away with work again, so we won't see him for 2 weeks. I certainly won't be giving him the silent treatment. I hope he has fun and next time I want to go away for a weekend with my friends I know he'll happily facilitate it, because that's how fair relationships work.

I suggest you reframe how you look at this. Presumably you enjoy the salary he brings home, so you can't resent him for working. Book some fun stuff to do with your toddler, get a cleaner to come in if you really can't cope with the house admin, invite friends over for a glass of wine in the evenings. Make the most of the time alone, it's entirely within your power to make this a perfectly enjoyable 2 weeks.

notawittyname1954 · 02/11/2021 13:39

I think its more that he gets to go away and you are left behind. Even if it is for work. I definitely wouldn't give him the silent treatment though as he's going for work and not leaving you to go on a jolly. Make the most of the alone time once your DD is in bed. Invite friends round to watch a film and have some snacks or something or just watch what you want. He will be back soon. and in the old days the husbands didn't used to come to appointments anyway. I think its just what you get used to.
I used to eat with the children rather than waiting for my husband to come in and then the whole evening once your DD is in bed is yours.
can you get to your appointment without him. How far away is it. don't you have transport.

SpangoDweller · 02/11/2021 14:02

You’re getting a bit of a pasting on here and I think you might look back and see you’re being unreasonable - not unheard of when pregnant and tired!

It’s difficult parenting by yourself, especially if you’re not used to it. YANBU to miss your partner and to feel a bit overwhelmed. But it’s hardly going on a jolly.

I’m the one in my house who works away sometimes. I enjoy my job but living from a hotel room, longer work days and being away from home can be rough. It’s even less fun now I have a DS to miss as well as a DH, and I am aware that it’s not as easy for DH now that he has sole responsibility for DS when I’m away. But it’s part of life and is really not a big deal - if I was being told I was abandoning my family I’d have some sharp words.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/11/2021 14:13

I mean...my DH is away this week with work, but he has also been away on lads holidays in the past while I've been at home with DS.
I can't comment on the being pregnant bit as DS was an easy pregnancy (despite the dramatic entrance) so my experience is that pregnancy was a doddle. I fully accept that for some it is a nightmare/painful/exhausting etc.

You're in a partnership with this man. You have to pick up the slack for him from time to time and he from you. Balance each other out. Don't be bitter that he is going off for work.

You cope with it by wallowing and bitching about it on here or other anonymous forums, but rolling up your big girl sleeves and getting on with it WITHOUT punishing him.

hamstersarse · 02/11/2021 14:28

Is he going anywhere nice?

Boudiccasback · 02/11/2021 14:32

Your not babysitting your own DC.Confused I get were your coming from but its not going to help by taking it out on him. Would getting some help be useful, you could do things on your own too?

Opentooffers · 02/11/2021 14:55

If he's had the same job contract where he had to work away for periods, then you knew what you were getting into. Tbh sounds like this is the life you have chosen, And you are lucky not to have to work, but maybe for the future, you would be happier and have more balance in your life by working and having then paying someone to deal with the domestic duties if they are a drudge to you. Did you discuss roles and input before having DC? Did you plan to be a SAHM? It's ok to change your mind on that, most mother's work these days whether they need to or not. It does give you another facet to your identity and help with self-esteem. Also ensures regular interaction with other adults which can be a break from being with DC's for hours.

grapewine · 02/11/2021 14:56

You really need to grow up.

Pinetreesfall · 02/11/2021 14:58

How big is your house or how many staff do you have that need managing?!

If I was your husband I wouldn't come back Grin

grapewine · 02/11/2021 15:02

And if a spouse gave me the silent treatment, I'd leave. It's immature and abusive.

He's off working.

cultkid · 02/11/2021 15:05

Enjoy it and don't be mean it's horrible having to travel for weeks for work

Have take away invite your friends over etc

Be glad you don't work!!

Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:13

Thank you for all the compassionate responses. I work full-time at a stressful job and it is not easy juggling with no family nearby. But I agree silent treatment is not the answer. I will try to see if there is extra help I can get.

For the non-compassionate ones saying I am crazy or selfish: Not helpful at all. I didn’t kill anyone. I’ve seen a post on Mumsnet by a mistress with more empathy. Maybe don’t respond if you’re in a grumpy mood.

OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 02/11/2021 15:14

First up I do actually feel for you OP. I know there are some super mums on here, but caring for a toddler while pregnant on your own for two weeks isn’t a walk in the park.
We have three young kids and my DH works away a lot, always has. It’s tough. I often feel lonely and yes, a bit abandoned sometimes.
However… it’s work. It’s not a jolly. I’m assuming that your household is at least partially reliant on the money he brings in? He’d probably rather be at home with his wife and child than working away.
And the silent treatment is never on. Especially when it’s something presumably out of his control. You would be punishing him for working.
Make plans to see friends and family. It’ll go quickly.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/11/2021 15:15

@applejanepie

Thank you for all the compassionate responses. I work full-time at a stressful job and it is not easy juggling with no family nearby. But I agree silent treatment is not the answer. I will try to see if there is extra help I can get.

For the non-compassionate ones saying I am crazy or selfish: Not helpful at all. I didn’t kill anyone. I’ve seen a post on Mumsnet by a mistress with more empathy. Maybe don’t respond if you’re in a grumpy mood.

With all due respect OP, I think most people would have had sympathy for you if you weren't blaming your husband for something that he has to do for work and also saying you were going to punish him for doing it on top of that.
Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:16

@Opentooffers

If he's had the same job contract where he had to work away for periods, then you knew what you were getting into. Tbh sounds like this is the life you have chosen, And you are lucky not to have to work, but maybe for the future, you would be happier and have more balance in your life by working and having then paying someone to deal with the domestic duties if they are a drudge to you. Did you discuss roles and input before having DC? Did you plan to be a SAHM? It's ok to change your mind on that, most mother's work these days whether they need to or not. It does give you another facet to your identity and help with self-esteem. Also ensures regular interaction with other adults which can be a break from being with DC's for hours.
Thank you. I work full-time at a demanding job. I enjoy my work and it gives me a sense of purpose. I love children, but with the pandemic it has been hard to get after-daycare help and extracurriculars.
OP posts:
Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:17

I expressed my feeling — I wanted to react but didn’t. Are thought crimes a thing now? There were many posters who helped discuss the underlying issues without attacking me for a THOUGHT.

OP posts:
Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:18

@MorningNinja

I'm guessing there are positives and negatives for both of you. Please don't give him the silent treatment, you'd achieve nothing.

I'm currently working away from home - my DP does it all the time but I don't and its given me a new perspective. I'm missing my DC and my DP. I'm missing the familiarity of being at home. Plus the journey and the actual work itself is tough going.

Plan things to do whilst he is away and concentrate on supporting each other.

Thank you for this. It helps to know there are many people who successfully deal with this. It is not regular for us, so it has been unexpected.
OP posts:
Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:24

@girlmom21

Being home alone with a toddler is great fun! If you're fed up of cleaning, get out and do some activities and there'll be less mess at home.

I'd much rather be home having fun with my child than away working for a full two weeks.

Perspective, OP.

Not every woman is the same. I prefer to travel and see the world. Thank God it’s not the 1950s anymore, and there are women who recognize that it is okay (and you don’t have to be guilted) for admitting that full-time parenting is not your cup of tea. It is not the cup of tea for many men. And speaking of perspective — there are many women who prefer to work and see the world. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids.
OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 02/11/2021 15:26

@Shoxfordian

Maybe evaluate why you decided to have kids when you’re still acting like one yourself?
Grin
HerRoyalNotness · 02/11/2021 15:30

It’s 2 weeks, you just get on with normal
Life!! And it’s actually much easier when they’re away. Mines been away for the last year, with trips home every 2mths or so. Before that he was away for 2 years and I managed a whole pregnancy and first year of D.C. life while he was gone (home every 3mths) 🤷🏽‍♀️

8dpwoah · 02/11/2021 15:31

It could be worse, you could have the baby here AND the toddler, you could be in your first trimester feeling sick as all day, you could be in your third trimester feeling huge and knackered, you could be working full time (you could be, I don't know).

So by him going for a short period during what's generally considered to be the easiest (it's all relative) bit of pregnancy sounds like he's actually done you a favour OP.

Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:33

I’m not a SAHM.

All the hateful messages have boxed me into their 1950s caricature of a broody unfulfilled housewife. That’s immature, too.

I work full-time in a demanding profession. Pandemic has meant many after-daycare programs are limited or cancelled. Managing a household is difficult when you do it all alone, on top of a 50 hour+ job.

OP posts:
8dpwoah · 02/11/2021 15:35

Apologies, just seen that you work. So even better, your childcare provider will be doing the bulk of the day to day with the toddler so it's just the weekends as presumably your toddler goes to bed fairly soon after getting in?

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