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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling abandoned bc hub is away

187 replies

applejanepie · 02/11/2021 04:12

Hubby is going away for two weeks overseas for work. I’m five months pregnant with a toddler DD too. Feeling resentful that he gets to travel and I’m stuck at home babysitting and cleaning. Also feeling abandoned bc will miss one of the prenatal appts and now I have to manage the whole house alone. Want to give him silent treatment while he’s away. (Yeah I know it’s immature, and I should be grateful for time alone…). Advice to make this easier? TY

OP posts:
CecilieRose · 02/11/2021 15:38

So many lovely single women can't find a partner and then there are women like OP, who can't cope for two weeks without having her hand held, wanting to emotionally abuse her husband for daring to need to work abroad to help support their family.

The mind boggles.

Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:41

@Triffid1

I completely understand why being at home alone, heavily pregnant, with a toddler doesn't sound like something you are particularly excited about. Certainly, when I was pregnant with DC2, DC1 was still a terrible sleeper and I'd have really struggled if DH had disappeared off for 2 weeks, especially as I was still working. But unless there's some back story - eg this isn't work so much as a corporate golfing trip for two weeks or that he has the option to come back on the weekend and is choosing not to - it's not reasonable to be pissed with him for a work trip.

If things are going to be very hard, then absolutely discuss with him what options you may need to put in place to make it easier - eg additional childcare or meal kits or whatever. When DH took DC1 away for 2 weeks and I was left with DC2 who was still v young, and working, I got a babysitter in to help out including feeding DC2 (and leaving leftovers for me!) etc. Similarly, when DH was left with DC1 as a (non-sleeping, high needs) baby for 10 days, on his return I took over completely for 2 days so he could just chill out and recover.

Thanks. I have been trying to cobble together some after-daycare fun activities for DD, but it has been hard with capacity limits and COVID-related cancellations. This would have been much easier pre-pandemic so just trying the best I can. Closest family is a 4 hour drive, but maybe will make a weekend trip up.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 15:42

@applejanepie people assumed you don't work because you said you were stuck at home babysitting and cleaning.

Are you WFH and trying to look after the toddler around that?

Can you just work your contracted hours for the next two weeks rather than 50+ hours?

Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:43

@Arrowheart

Read back your OP and then grow up. You sound pathetic.
You sound like a charming angel.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 15:45

Are you going to do shared parental leave when the baby is born? If you're resentful of parenting around work for two weeks how will you feel when you have the baby?

Fetarabbit · 02/11/2021 15:45

@applejanepie

I’m not a SAHM.

All the hateful messages have boxed me into their 1950s caricature of a broody unfulfilled housewife. That’s immature, too.

I work full-time in a demanding profession. Pandemic has meant many after-daycare programs are limited or cancelled. Managing a household is difficult when you do it all alone, on top of a 50 hour+ job.

I suspect the 'I'm stuck at home babysitting and cleaning' is what boxed you in.
Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:46

@toastfiend

You're being extremely unfair, OP, and 2 weeks is a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of things.

My DH spent a grand total of 3 months at home over the first year of our marriage. He worked and lived away from home Monday to Friday for the duration of my first pregnancy and for the first 6 months of our son's life. We're currently back to him only being home at weekends for the next 6 months and now we have toddler DS and I'm working. Yes, it's hard work at times, but I don't resent him. It's bloody hard for him, too. He might get to go to the pub in the evenings, but he misses home and family life hugely. This week he's away with work, then going to a stag do this weekend, then away with work again, so we won't see him for 2 weeks. I certainly won't be giving him the silent treatment. I hope he has fun and next time I want to go away for a weekend with my friends I know he'll happily facilitate it, because that's how fair relationships work.

I suggest you reframe how you look at this. Presumably you enjoy the salary he brings home, so you can't resent him for working. Book some fun stuff to do with your toddler, get a cleaner to come in if you really can't cope with the house admin, invite friends over for a glass of wine in the evenings. Make the most of the time alone, it's entirely within your power to make this a perfectly enjoyable 2 weeks.

Thank you kindly. I do want him to have fun. The silent treatment was just a quick undigested thought, and I realize it is immature. That is why I reached out here to get a second opinion (more like a beating...).

It would be devastating for me if it was reversed - I went away for work and did not hear from him.

OP posts:
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 02/11/2021 15:48

Is 'managing the house' a thing? Don't you just live in it and tidy up etc when needed like every bugger else has to? I expect the OP has either disappeared or will come back with an almighty drip feed.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 02/11/2021 15:50

Cross post

Original poster
applejanepie · 02/11/2021 15:57

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

Is 'managing the house' a thing? Don't you just live in it and tidy up etc when needed like every bugger else has to? I expect the OP has either disappeared or will come back with an almighty drip feed.
Yes, "managing a house" is a thing when you work 50+ hours and have to come home to clean, cook dinner, put DD to bed, arrange ECs (if any can be found!) for the next week, transport DD to/from daycare and deal with morning sickness and nausea in 2nd trimester.
OP posts:
CecilieRose · 02/11/2021 16:09

@applejanepie why did you choose this life? You don't seem to like it much. It seems like your real problem is resentment rather than your husband working away for a couple of weeks.

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 02/11/2021 16:10

He's only away 2 weeks. Working.

FrancescaContini · 02/11/2021 16:11

[quote CecilieRose]@applejanepie why did you choose this life? You don't seem to like it much. It seems like your real problem is resentment rather than your husband working away for a couple of weeks.[/quote]
I was wondering that. It’s just normal life when you work and have small children and are pregnant. Presumably you chose to become a parent?

Offmyfence · 02/11/2021 16:15

@applejanepie

I expressed my feeling — I wanted to react but didn’t. Are thought crimes a thing now? There were many posters who helped discuss the underlying issues without attacking me for a THOUGHT.
So you'd be quite happy if your DH thought nasty things about you? If he thought about being nasty to you?

If you wanted to travel and see the world, what made you have two children?

TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty · 02/11/2021 16:17

You’ve had lots of advice, some of it pretty forthright. But please, try to get out of the mindset of being “abandoned” when your partner’s working away. My mother used to behave similarly (lots of sulking and shouting matches) and it put her marriage under huge strain.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/11/2021 16:17

I really struggle to believe an adult has written this!

Fair enough to feel a bit lonely but to even contemplate "the silent treatment" in retaliation (for what? working?) is petty and cruel. If this is something you do regularly then your DH is probably looking forward to the break (even if it is work!).

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2021 16:23

I’m struggling to be with uou op and I say that as someone who worked a stressful job and when our daughter was a toddler he was in the military so away for months at a time, I never really saw looking after myself and her as “managing a household” but I understand you do.

Wanting to punish him by ignoring him for two weeks when he has to go away for work, is horrendous and you wrote it like it was normal, which makes me wonder if it’s something you indulge in normally, I can’t for the life of me think of any other reason ut would occur to you.

If you do give him the silent treatment when something occurs you don’t like then it’s abusive, and you need to stop it.

MrsToadflax · 02/11/2021 16:37

It's all about give and take OP. I expect he is quite looking forward to a trip away and that's OK. He shouldn't have to feel guilty for doing his job. You have different jobs that require different working environments. This time, his is away. It's fine to say you'll be counting down the days until he gets home and you're a bit overwhelmed, but send him off with a smile and 'I love you'. Look forward to FaceTiming etc. It's a temporary challenge, not an abandonment.

Nyxs · 02/11/2021 16:44

If you work. Just carry in your normal routine where possible.

Its fine, you will be fine.

I don't think the toddler needs loads of activities. Or anything just do what you normally do.

House management is being the responsible adult in the household. If some jobs don't get done, they don't get done.

lisaandalan · 02/11/2021 16:55

He's not gone on a jolly boys outing, he's away working to keep a roof over your heads.
Don't give him the silent treatment it's babyish and he doesn't deserve it.
Plan plenty of activities for you and your daughter to keep her busy, then you can get her to bed in the evening, potter around and then put your feet up.
It will give you time to do stuff, I never do as many chores as I mean to when my husband is home at the weekend and so it will give you chance to do anything you have been putting off.
Show him you miss him and can't wait for him to get home, so he will also look forward to coming home. X

NoPrivateSpy · 02/11/2021 16:57

OP, give yourself something to look forward to I reckon. Cleaning doesn't quite fit the bill Wink

Can you ask family down for the weekend and then go off and have some time to pamper yourself or do something you enjoy?

Definitely book a one off deep clean if you can get it. You shouldn't be doing it all on your own for 2 weeks as I agree you'll run yourself ragged.

I actually quite like it when my DH is away. I can watch what I like on tv without moaning and eat beige food without guilt. But I know toddlers are exhausting so not everyone gets free evenings.

icedcoffees · 02/11/2021 17:00

I have been trying to cobble together some after-daycare fun activities for DD, but it has been hard with capacity limits and COVID-related cancellations. This would have been much easier pre-pandemic so just trying the best I can

I say this kindly, but are you sure you're not putting a lot of excess pressure on yourself?

Toddlers don't need loads of special activities. Surely she can just come from nursery/daycare and watch TV/play with her toys?

mbosnz · 02/11/2021 17:03

I can understand why you're feeling the way you do, and I'd be wilting a bit - 50+ hours job, plus a toddler and baking a baby! It's good that you took your immediate reaction out and looked at it, and realised that it's possibly not the way to go. . . Smile.

My suggestion would be - if you can - can you get someone to clean for those two weeks?

Whether or not you can - only do the bare minimum, keeping on top of washing and dishes and tidying. Get in easy meals for both you and the toddler. And count down the days! Also, make it very clear that this is what you're doing, to your husband, so he's prepared for when he comes home, so you don't get any negative reactions. Make it known at work what the deal is, so that they're prepared in case of unforeseen childcare emergencies. Do whatever you need to do to get through. Try to keep to the toddler's routine, though - and don't be afraid to crack out the electronic babysitters.

DillonPanthersTexas · 02/11/2021 17:26

Is 'managing the house' a thing? Don't you just live in it and tidy up etc when needed like every bugger else has to?

This is Mumsnet, managing the household is up there with running a FTSE 100 multinational.

NowEvenBetter · 02/11/2021 17:29

So you hate your life. Focus on changing all the aspects of it that you don’t like. What plans have you made for the extra stress/lack of time etc that the new kid will bring? Really odd that you chose to make another kid when you’re already suffering so much.