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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you forgive this?

230 replies

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:20

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me.

Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 01/11/2021 02:22

No way! Why was he raging? (Not that it matters anyway…) I imagine he has form for raging too.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2021 02:23

Absolutely unforgivable. An instant, irrevocable deal breaker.

Sunbird24 · 01/11/2021 02:23

No. What has he done to show he’s sorry, or has he just said he is?

SpookyPumpkinPants · 01/11/2021 02:24

No way

Are you safe?

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:25

He was raging because after 5 years of emotional abuse I kissed someone else, and he found out. So I am not an innocent party, but he has done so much worse before I did that. I didn't have a period for a year and when I finally did, unexpected, he took a photo of my stained PJs (me wearing them!) and sent it to his other woman.

OP posts:
Enchantmented · 01/11/2021 02:26

Next time it will be, he punched me in the face, but in fairness he was upset because i changed the TV channel without asking.

Please dont be that person.

Get out now!

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:27

He also broke my front tooth, I called the police but they let him go. This is horrendous I hate him

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 01/11/2021 02:28

Get out. Get out while you can. Nothing is worth putting up with that.

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:29

I wish I could, I don't work though so have no money, we have three children, I literally cannot get out.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 01/11/2021 02:30

Your relationship is fucked. You need to separate and quickly before he really hurts you.

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:32

Honestly I know noone here can "save" me but I am desperate for support, my family are far away and i cant cope anymore. I have contacted womens aid in the past but they offer a refuge space too far away, my eldest would have to leave school. He is in Year 7 and so happy there, he has been through enough.

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Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:44

I can't believe I am such a weak pathetic doormat.

I found out he was cheating on me, with a woman he met on Facebook, after he told me he was going to see his brother one evening. Didn't return and the next morning phoned me and confessed "all" (no ,he said they kissed and he felt too guilty to do more), but it turns out they had unprotected sex. He told her he would move in with her and they could turn the spare room into a room for MY boys!

I feel so pathetic, if you met me you would never expect me to put up with this. I don't even like or love him at this point so what the hell am I doing? I am terrified of being with our two young boys alone (1 and 3), the eldest is nearly 12 and mine from a previous relationship. PLEASE someonen tell me what to do?!

OP posts:
romdowa · 01/11/2021 02:52

You need to go to the refuge. Your child can get settled in a new school . There can be no way your child is happy living in this home and his happiness in his home is far more important.

Opentooffers · 01/11/2021 02:55

Don't put barriers up about going, when really, it's yourself being scared that's stopping you. So your DS is in year 7 - that's not a big year in the grand scheme of years, well before taking gcse's - and each year they get closer to big exams, so better to go asap. Are you going to then say - he's in year 8, then 9, then doing a-levels? Before you know it, their whole childhood has been subject to abuse.
Accept a refuge, wherever it is.

Redsquirrel5 · 01/11/2021 02:58

I would contact Women’s refuge they might have somewhere closer this time. Go and talk to them and they might find a solution for you that works for you eldest.

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 03:01

Is it really necessary? I guess I am asking is it that bad

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 01/11/2021 03:03

@Essexmummy88

Is it really necessary? I guess I am asking is it that bad
It's actually much worse. You need to leave.
nellly · 01/11/2021 03:08

It really is that bad. And you'll see that once you're gone. I hate to say it because it seems harsh but you're really doing your children a disservice. My relationship with my mother has been strained for years because I have a really hard time with the fact that she didn't protect us from an abusive
Father Sad

rrhuth · 01/11/2021 03:10

@romdowa

You need to go to the refuge. Your child can get settled in a new school . There can be no way your child is happy living in this home and his happiness in his home is far more important.
I agree with this.

When your child is older, and you look him in the eye and say 'we had to move because I was in an abusive relationship' he will understand.

Chocaholic9 · 01/11/2021 03:13

No! This is awful. You should leave.

Chocaholic9 · 01/11/2021 03:15

@Essexmummy88

I can't believe I am such a weak pathetic doormat.

I found out he was cheating on me, with a woman he met on Facebook, after he told me he was going to see his brother one evening. Didn't return and the next morning phoned me and confessed "all" (no ,he said they kissed and he felt too guilty to do more), but it turns out they had unprotected sex. He told her he would move in with her and they could turn the spare room into a room for MY boys!

I feel so pathetic, if you met me you would never expect me to put up with this. I don't even like or love him at this point so what the hell am I doing? I am terrified of being with our two young boys alone (1 and 3), the eldest is nearly 12 and mine from a previous relationship. PLEASE someonen tell me what to do?!

You need to read a book called "Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.

You can read it free here: ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

That explains the mindset of an abuser and what it does to you. It will give you insight that will help you to leave.

(I was in a domestic abuse situation too; just sharing what helped me.)

Sillawithans · 01/11/2021 03:18

Oh op, this is so awful!
Please get out. Have you got anyone at all?

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 03:19

Thank you all, lots of food for thought, I wouldnt have posted here if I wasnt serious about getting away, I know I need to, for my eldest if not for me. Thank you again

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Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 03:21

No my family are all up north and they despise him, I am in essex though not from here originally. I do have some good friends but he hates them and complains when I see them. I currently dont have a phone because he took it away yesterday to prevent me from meeting my friend (needed it to confirm plans)

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Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 03:26

Thank you so ,much @Chocaholic9 I have started to read. I've seen this mentioned many times on here but didn't realise I could access it for freel

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