Could you forgive this?

[Essexmummy88]

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me.

Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

You are being abused and subjected to domestic emotional and physical violence. You are probably in danger.

Give yourself a vision for the future and go towards that vision. There is hope. Once you have left and are safe, things will only get better and better. 💐💐💐

have contacted womens aid in the past but they offer a refuge space too far away, my eldest would have to leave school.

I'm sure he'd rather change schools than see his mum with another broken tooth OP.

Is it really necessary? I guess I am asking is it that bad

Yes.
Your Dc are growing up witnessing their mother being abused, beaten up, cheated on & treated with total contempt.

It's a recipe for lifelong mental damage to them.
Don;t kid yourself they don;t see it. They do.

Sorry OP, I an NOT scolding you. But using very direct language, because you have been so ground down by this terrible bastard that you are not recognising how bad the situation is.

Get yourself & the kids out.
It doesn't matter how far away the refuge is. what matters is getting you all safe, & being able to access the many services & support org's the refuge will signpost you to.

Everything else - living arrangements, location, schools, etc, can be decided later.

Can you email one of your friends, & borrow a phone?
Or contact Womens' Aid online?
TODAY?

I am shocked by everyone telling me how bad this is. I am really not trying to be frustrating. If i went to the police now where would I end up?? I am so scared. He is working from home so there is no respite its constant, I just walked with the two little ones round to my friendes but she wasnt home so I am back here again.

He is following me round shouting at me demanding to know why I am "off", there is no breathing space

@Essexmummy88

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me.

Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

No. Never. Ever. He is SHOWiNG you he can hurt you at your most vulnerable.

Leave the fucker.

@Essexmummy88

Is it really necessary? I guess I am asking is it that bad

YES.

Call social services.
Tell them about the violence perpetrated on you, in the home your kids lived in. The verbal abuse & contempt they lived with. How they saw their mum missing a tooth, & probably bruised to fuck. How their "father" crashed raging into a home he does not live in & has no rights over at 2.30am threatening violence & terrifying them.

Social services would be arranging to get your kids away from him.
This is not a threat - your ex is the offender, not you.
But when you take active steps like escaping to a refuge to ensure your & your children's safety, social services will be your saviour. They will document your Ex's violent behaviour & help you take all the legal steps necessary to keep you all safe from him. That will include discussion of whether & how he gets to see them - potentially ruling that contact with him must be Supervised only. Advice about how to get a non-mol or injunction against him. Support with finding & moving into a new home from the refuge.

Do you have a very trusted friend you can email or go & visit today?
You need this out in the open. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Please contact Womens Aid today.

No?

I do have some good friends but he hates them and complains when I see them

Of course he does - classic coercive controller's move. Isolating you from any support. Resenting you having nay personal freedom or happiness from others.

I bet your good friends loathe him.
I bet they would want to hear from you, & help you escape him.

crashed raging into a home he does not live in

@Essexmummy88 HUGE apologies, I got this bit totally wrong, as I confused it with that of another OP on a similarly concerning thread.

Standing by everything else though.
Please get out.
It is feasible to go up north to your family, even just for a few days while you sort out refuge?

I just feel so pathetic! my eldest has had a turbulent life so far, that is my fault. poor poor choices. he will hate me when hes older thats for sure.

@ChargingBuck no worries i appreciate your replies! i feel like i just need someone to parent me, how pathetic, my own mum and dad both left when i was 17 and my sister 14 so i feel i cling onto any sort of kindness.

he didn't punch me

No. He "just" dragged you around for an hour to prevent you from running away.

i feel like an utter disgace and waste of space. I can go to my friends on the next road she said, and leave my children here. he hasnt ever touched them and he never would, its just me he likes to do this to. i think i am annoying everyone now on this thread so i will leave it but i so so appreciate every single reply.

[quote Essexmummy88]@ChargingBuck no worries i appreciate your replies! i feel like i just need someone to parent me, how pathetic, my own mum and dad both left when i was 17 and my sister 14 so i feel i cling onto any sort of kindness.[/quote]
You are very, very far from "pathetic", Essex.
Your bravery, resilience & intelligence are clear to see.

You have simply been ground down, isolated from friends & support, & probably had a pretty tough start to adulthood (if not before). Anyone would feel a need for 'parenting' under these circumstances. But you can get that feeling met, through other kind & understanding people, via Womens Aid, Refuge, Social Services, & by reaching out to your friends & family again.

At least until you have your phone back in your hand & fully charged it might be wise to act as if all is as "ok" as normal. Just keep the peace until you can call friends. & another visit to your local friend would be a very good idea. You need to tell her what has been & is going on at home.

xx

@Essexmummy88 my exH did this and then shortly after starting physically attacking me. Your relationship sounds so toxic. You need to leave, it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done!

@Essexmummy88

i feel like an utter disgace and waste of space. I can go to my friends on the next road she said, and leave my children here. he hasnt ever touched them and he never would, its just me he likes to do this to. i think i am annoying everyone now on this thread so i will leave it but i so so appreciate every single reply.

Don't leave your children, especially the one that's not his. A few hours ago you weren't sure whether this was even abuse. There's no telling what he'd do to your family.

Can she help financially instead, or can your dad?

Can someone give you enough money for a hotel room for 3 nights until your dad can get you, if you need to get out?

i think i am annoying everyone now on this thread

Oi! - stop that right now young lady :)

Nobody's annoyed. Concerned for you, & angry at him.
Many of us have been there. We know at first hand how hard it is & what the mindfuckery does to self-worth & the ability to escape.
Those of us who escaped know we are twice the women we would have been, had we not managed to.
You are going to start feeling so, so, much better when you are free of this awful man.

Not long now OP. Hang on in there. The adjustments will be hard, but you will create a safe, happy, welcoming home for you & DC. One step at a time. Hope you are talking to WA or Refuge online - & keep posting here - you deserve this support, & an outlet.

You're not annoying anyone OP. People on here will help you. But you and your kids are in danger. It's not easy to leave an abuser but you can do it. Your family will help. Please keep posting. Can you go round to your friends house again before Thursday and ask to use her phone to call your dad?

@Essexmummy88

I just feel so pathetic! my eldest has had a turbulent life so far, that is my fault. poor poor choices. he will hate me when hes older thats for sure.

Stop negging yourself. You're worth more than that. It's not your fault that his dad frigged off. It's not your fault that this guy is an abuser.

@Essexmummy88

He also broke my front tooth, I called the police but they let him go. This is horrendous I hate him

WTF is happening. Run for the hills.

@Essexmummy88

i feel like an utter disgace and waste of space. I can go to my friends on the next road she said, and leave my children here. he hasnt ever touched them and he never would, its just me he likes to do this to. i think i am annoying everyone now on this thread so i will leave it but i so so appreciate every single reply.

It's sad to see how you're talking about yourself on this thread.

You matter. You're worth so much more than what he wants you to believe.

In the book I recommended, by Lundy Bancroft, I found it interesting that he says that on average it takes women 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before they succeed. Many beat themselves up about their attempts that fail. I took a few attempts to leave mine. I felt so worthless because he treated me so badly when I came back. I hope you can leave asap.

Please get yourself to safety with your children until you see your Dad on Thursday. Sort everything else out later when you are safe.

Essexmummy88.
No one is fed up at all, we are shocked & frightened for you.
You are living with an Monster,
Yes some poor choices may have been made, but you were given a very poor hand to begin with.
You do however love & want to protect your DC, the best way to do this is call Women's aid, make notes of the main abuse, have the conversation, write down or record the replies as it will be very hard to take it all in.
You are in danger, if he seriously injures you who will look after your children ?
Please don't leave the thread, people are all behind you here.
However, please wipe you internet history & make sure your bastard abuser cannot get into your phone.
You can be guaranteed he will ramp this up if he knows you are getting help

@Essexmummy88

I have spoken to landlord who seems like a really lovely and reasonable man, explained the situation briefly, but legally his hands are tied and he cannot remove BF from the tenancy without his agreement.. so I am stuck. Honestly if it werent for the kids I would just kill myself.

When does your fixed term end? Once it does, do not sign a new AST agreement - at which point, the tenancy becomes periodic and you can give notice without your husband's consent:

If you have a periodic joint tenancy you can give notice to end your tenancy without the agreement of the other tenants - unless your tenancy agreement says otherwise. It's important to be aware that if you end your tenancy it ends for everyone.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-privately/ending-your-tenancy/ending-your-tenancy/

If you are close to the end of the fixed term, it might be worth leaving anyway and pay up for the remaining months, if your dad is willing to help. Just make sure you give formal notice, on the appropriate date and by recorded delivery.

I'd also phone Shelter for advice - they may have further information on the best way to end the tenancy.

How he has made you feel ('an utter disgrace and a waste of space') is NOT who you are.

I hope you can tell friends and family about what has happened.

One another note, Lundy Bancroft talks more in the book about there being many forces inside your own mind that make it hard to leave. (This is why it on average takes 7 attempts.) The abuser grinds you down until you lack the self-esteem to get out of the bad situation. You stop trusting yourself and your instincts and perceptions because of the treatment you get from the abuser. The trauma of the abuse can be incapacitating and make it harder to make decisions.