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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you forgive this?

230 replies

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:20

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me.

Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2021 05:41

How long ago did he assault you and break your tooth? And how long ago did he throw water on you? Can you get copies of these texts? Can you press charges?

This man needs to be arrested. He is dangerous. Go with your dad and get his mates to take your nice new sofas with you so that the violent man you are currently living with doesn’t destroy them.

You are in danger right now protecting the sofas, aren’t you?

lmpeachment · 01/11/2021 05:45

@Essexmummy88

No my family are all up north and they despise him, I am in essex though not from here originally. I do have some good friends but he hates them and complains when I see them. I currently dont have a phone because he took it away yesterday to prevent me from meeting my friend (needed it to confirm plans)
Try to ask your family for help. If you were my family, I would help. Please talk with them
MsDogLady · 01/11/2021 05:48

…currently we are “OK.”

You and your boys are absolutely not ok! You all live in a dangerous home with an emotional and physical abuser. He enjoys hurting and humiliating you, and mocking you to his girlfriend. It is disturbing to know that your children are being exposed to this train wreck, especially your 12 year old.

Please, please contact Women’s Aid asap for help and advice on getting away from this monster.

lmpeachment · 01/11/2021 05:50

@Essexmummy88

My dad is very old east end, gangster type, not good but it is what it is, I know he could get him to leave. What a mess.
Oh my word, please please tell your dad!!! He will help his darling daughter to escape. Your partner is a coward when it comes to other men, it's only women he wants to dominate. Your dad WILL SAVE YOU!
Bluetrews25 · 01/11/2021 05:52

The thing that I have learned from a recent thread is that refuges cannot accept any boys over the age of 15. So if you might need a refuge (and going with your DCs might be safer and easier than getting DH to leave because I cannot imagine him going quietly or leaving you in peace) then you should do it now. Not leave it for a bit, as then you will be a harder package to place.
Good luck Essex.
Staying is damaging all of you. Violence escalates. Please get out while you can.

Thatsplentyjack · 01/11/2021 05:56

Are married OP?

TrueRefuge · 01/11/2021 06:25

Good god no.

You are allowed to change your mind.

abcd124 · 01/11/2021 06:27

...tell your dad when you see him, PLEASE! And leave in any which way you can - a refuge wouldn't be forever, but it will give you a safe place to be with your children whilst you try and sort work etc! In time you will be fine and in one way or another get a home of your own! I'm in Essex if I can help at all?

makelovenotpetrol · 01/11/2021 06:56

@Essexmummy88

Is it really necessary? I guess I am asking is it that bad
It's that bad and more OP. It would be better for your DC to go through the upheaval of moving schools, which they will get over and make more friends in no time, than to see their Mum continue to be subjected to this.

You really really must leave.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 01/11/2021 07:47

[quote LoekMa]@50ShadesOfCatholic calm yourself right down.
As OP understood in my next response she had never mentioned discussing her son leaving with him and once she clarified that, MANY other posters had the same POV as I did, so dont you even bother picking me out of a line to criticize.[/quote]
There you go again being rude and argumentative. Totally unnecessary. Try to show some empathy and dignity.

Kuachui · 01/11/2021 07:54

let your family save you...

As a mother i swear to always try my hardest to protrct my kids even if they are 60 years old because they are my children.

Tell your dad everything, he will want to help you get out surely

girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 08:03

Please tell your dad and let him help you.

Marineboy67 · 01/11/2021 08:08

Please let your dad know, I have 3 grown up daughters and my middle daughter was married to coercive controller. I would hate the thought of any my children or any woman trapped like this. The house, the sofas it's just stuff! You and your children's physical and mental health are the most important thing. Get out today!

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 08:16

A long one to answer some points raised..

No we aren't married thank goodness.

No my eldest's father left me when pregnant so he isn't around ( I sure do pick em!)

SS were involved after the incident. They sent a social worker round to assess the situation, BF said we need to get our story straight and minimise the situation, i was scared and went along with it. Social worker asked if all was okay and i wanted to scream no it isnt but he was next to me. Anyway he believed it, closed the case.

@abcd124 Whereabouts in Essex are you? x

I feel so so stupid. Before the youngest was born I had a business from home, I was making good money but I stupidly didn't save any and then when the youngest was born and he didn't support me the business just fell apart.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 01/11/2021 08:21

You need to call the domestic abuse number & report this to the Police. Call womens aid, get advice re benefits, housing & surviving.
Get a non molestion order.
Recontact the social services, tell them the truth, you were ti adraid to tell the truth ( they will have heard it before)
& tell your Dad everything

clarrylove · 01/11/2021 08:22

What's stopping you going back up north to be with your family?

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 08:22

The tooth incident was about a month ago. He didn't punch me, he has never hit me. I found out something awful that he had done and tried to leave the house but he wouldn't let me, he dragged me back and kept pushing me to the floor. It was nighttime, rhe children were all upstairs asleep and thankfully slept through this. It went on for about an hour. I kept trying to get to the window and scream for help but he kept dragging me back, my tooth got broken during this. Eventually I managed to get away and ran to my friend who lives on the next road to ask her to phone the police which she did. But it was pointless anyway as he was let go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 08:26

@clarrylove I'm not from up north, my family all moved up there. I would go, but I don't have the money for a deposit, train fair, or anything.

OP posts:
Naunet · 01/11/2021 08:31

This is really serious OP. Have you told your family and asked them for help? To me that seems like the most obvious starting point. Yes, you might have to move and your son might have to move school, but seriously, in the grand scheme of things, that’s not a big deal.

girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 08:34

@Essexmummy88

The tooth incident was about a month ago. He didn't punch me, he has never hit me. I found out something awful that he had done and tried to leave the house but he wouldn't let me, he dragged me back and kept pushing me to the floor. It was nighttime, rhe children were all upstairs asleep and thankfully slept through this. It went on for about an hour. I kept trying to get to the window and scream for help but he kept dragging me back, my tooth got broken during this. Eventually I managed to get away and ran to my friend who lives on the next road to ask her to phone the police which she did. But it was pointless anyway as he was let go.
This is worse than hitting you. I'm so sorry.
JSL52 · 01/11/2021 08:42

You need to get to a refuge , I know it's difficult.
Will your Dad send you some money?

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 08:43

My family are aware and they hate him. When he was arrested my dad paid for a locksmith to come and change the locks that night. But stupid me after about a week of trying to cope with the children alone, and having no money, I let him back. They were and still are horrified that I let him back and said they don't want to hear me complain about him anymore as they did everything to help me and I LET him back. My mum and sister came down from Manchester and Newcastle to help me with the boys and my mum bought lots of nice things for the house to make it "my" space, so it felt different if you know what I mean. And little idiot me let that man back in with open arms. It is possibly the biggest mistake of my life

OP posts:
IslaPineappple · 01/11/2021 08:45

Can you get your dad to tell him to leave on Thursday and mean it?

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 08:47

I can but i worry what he will do in retaliation. Also I worry about my dad as he has a temper but works for the police and I worry he would lose his job or something.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 08:49

Your family will help you again if you explain how abusive he is. They'll understand. They were frustrated at you but they won't let you continue to be abused.

But you need to mean it when you say you're finished with him for good.

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