Page 5 | Could you forgive this?

Essexmummy88 · 2021-11-01T02:20:57+00:00

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me. Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

JudgementalCactus · 01/11/2021 12:33

@Essexmummy88

But he has never hit me so I feel I don't warrant the need for a refuge space when there are women literally being attacked. This is awful, I used to work, had a good job, had my own business and I am now a shell, who probably comes across like a Jeremy Kyle guest when in actual fact I am intelligent I have just gotten caught up with a monster.

How did your tooth break if he's never hit you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 12:33

@Essexmummy88

But he has never hit me so I feel I don't warrant the need for a refuge space when there are women literally being attacked. This is awful, I used to work, had a good job, had my own business and I am now a shell, who probably comes across like a Jeremy Kyle guest when in actual fact I am intelligent I have just gotten caught up with a monster.

You were literally attacked, this man dragged you around the home you share with your kids so roughly he broke your tooth. For an hour. With the kids in the house. He's made threats to damage property and taken your phone - this meets the legal threshold for coercive control.

He's emotionally and physically abusive. Your children are living in an abusive home.

Please tell your dad, ask him for his help - even better that he's in the police! Promise him this time you'll never have your 'partner' back - beg if you have to, then follow through.

Original poster

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 12:34

I cant even contact my dad or anyone as i dont have my phone

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 12:34

@Essexmummy88

I cant even contact my dad or anyone as i dont have my phone

If you're on here you have access to the internet - can you email him?

Original poster

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 12:39

Sorry I feel like Im dripfeeding, my tooth got broken as he hit it with his watch when trying to stop me leaving. Yes he was rough and agressive but he didnt hit me. That isnt me trying to justify it at all, I want to get away, he was awful and is abusive just clarifying he didn't punch me. Yes i have my sons laptop but I can't email my dad, i don't think I can bear the fallout. I will wait until Thursday in person.

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girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 12:39

@Essexmummy88

I cant even contact my dad or anyone as i dont have my phone

You can Skype a phone number if you need to

Original poster

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 12:40

Im going to pack a bag with stuff for me and the kids, go to meet my dad and ask him if I can go back with him. He will say yes without a doubt. Just need to hang on until then.

OP posts:

Helpmyboobs · 01/11/2021 12:43

@Essexmummy88

Sorry I feel like Im dripfeeding, my tooth got broken as he hit it with his watch when trying to stop me leaving. Yes he was rough and agressive but he didnt hit me. That isnt me trying to justify it at all, I want to get away, he was awful and is abusive just clarifying he didn't punch me. Yes i have my sons laptop but I can't email my dad, i don't think I can bear the fallout. I will wait until Thursday in person.

But @Essexmummy88, physically restraining you from leaving, resulting in injury, is every single bit as 'bad' as being punched. Any women's refuge would tell you that so please don't feel that your need is less than another woman's.

If your landlord is reasonable and knows the circumstances, can you give notice so that you only have a short time to run on the tenancy?

girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 12:48

@Essexmummy88

Im going to pack a bag with stuff for me and the kids, go to meet my dad and ask him if I can go back with him. He will say yes without a doubt. Just need to hang on until then.

You're being really brave. You've got this.

BoredZelda · 01/11/2021 12:52

I have spoken to landlord who seems like a really lovely and reasonable man, explained the situation briefly, but legally his hands are tied and he cannot remove BF from the tenancy without his agreement.. so I am stuck.

If he is lovely and reasonable he can allow you father to no longer be the guarantor then kick your BF out if he doesn’t pay the rent.

If he is lovely and reasonable he wouldn’t be the reason a woman has to stay in an abusive relationship. How long has the tenancy left? If your dad cared, he would let the rent be the reason his daughter was being abused and his grandchildren at risk.

BoredZelda · 01/11/2021 12:53

You can Skype a phone number if you need to

Only if you pay for that service.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 12:54

@Essexmummy88

Im going to pack a bag with stuff for me and the kids, go to meet my dad and ask him if I can go back with him. He will say yes without a doubt. Just need to hang on until then.

Please please please do this.

Thank god you have your dad - lean on him and make the most of it. He will want to help and protect you.

He will be so relieved you're finally done with this absolute arsehole and have seen the light.

Dragging someone around is assault. Don't doubt that. He absolutely assaulted you. Him saying about 'getting your stories straight' is coercive control. Him taking your phone is coercive control. Him threatening to damage property eg the sofas is coercive control. It meets the legal threshold. Tell your dad everything.

Original poster

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 12:59

But i am just as bad, when he said he would ruin the sofas I came back with if you do I will ruin your stuff too, so I dont have a leg to stand on really.

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Noshowlomo · 01/11/2021 13:04

Oh OP this is heartbreaking. One thing that struck me is that you said your children were sleeping through the whole episode of him breaking your tooth but I imagine they heard it. Children often pretend that can't hear/see horrible things that are going on. You need to get out for you and for them. He is an abusive bastard and you deserve so much better!
Please contact womens aid.. he doesn't need to punch you for it to be abuse, this is clearly abuse. You arent' "allowed" your phone FFS. He is abusing you 100%. GET ALL THE HELP YOU CAN. FUCKING BULLY

Skyla2005 · 01/11/2021 13:09

@Essexmummy88

No my family are all up north and they despise him, I am in essex though not from here originally. I do have some good friends but he hates them and complains when I see them. I currently dont have a phone because he took it away yesterday to prevent me from meeting my friend (needed it to confirm plans)

Can you take your kids up north to your family. Reach out to theM you need urgent help

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 01/11/2021 13:09

So he can strangle you to death so long as he doesn't hit you?
He can burn you so long as he doesn't hit you?
Where is the line?
Where have you got this ridiculous idea you must take a closed fist to the face before it will be classed as violence?
HE BROKE YOUR TOOTH WHILE THROWING YOU AROUND ON THE FLOOR TO STOP YOU LEAVING.

Alexandria94 · 01/11/2021 13:09

Gosh, I'm so sorry that you're going through this OP. The things he has done to you are awful, and then to top it off with a message like that to OW, he has no remorse, shame, guilt. It's clear you mean nothing to him. But what is important is that you value yourself. Not that awful excuse of a human.

I know how hard it is when your family try to help you escape a toxic relationship and you go back to the abusive partner. Been there, done that. You feel that you don't deserve more help from them. But you do. It takes time to escape these situations and you werent ready before, but I hope you will be ready soon. And your family will be grateful that you and your DC are out of harm's way. So reach out to them and get some support, just push yourself to do it.

I understand what you mean when you describe your dad. Just because he is an east-end type, doesnt mean he is a literal gangsta ffs. If you can get him to assist you and support you in person then you should do that. Abusers who bully and beat on women are often pathetic little men who are scared once somebody else is around and wouldnt dare to attack. I dont want this to happen, but can you imagine him trying to drag your dad around like he has done with you?

You have more strength than you imagine right now and you can get through this.

Original poster

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 13:11

@Noshowlomo I don't know whats happened to me that I put up with this. There is a sad and recurring vision I get of my on my deathbed, my children hating me and him being the only one there clutching my hand. It makes me feel seriously ill. Morose I know.

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Skyla2005 · 01/11/2021 13:11

@Essexmummy88

My dad is very old east end, gangster type, not good but it is what it is, I know he could get him to leave. What a mess.

Let your dad deal with him then

Original poster

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 13:15

@Alexandria94 thank you so much, im glad you get what i meant, i really think most men raised in the east end in that era have those sort of values. sure ill get flamed in someway for saying that but my dad and all his friends are all like that so really dont care. i just feel like i need a real life friend to talk to to help me through this but he has alienated me from practically everyone.

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Pheasantlysurprised · 01/11/2021 13:16

he took a photo of my stained PJs (me wearing them!) and sent it to his other woman

this.....would have been my deal breaker.

OP, recover your dignity, you have one life here on this earth, you do not need this drama and insanity. It isn't love, it isn't passion, it's just immature crap.

As far as I am aware, having been told by those who work in women's aid/counselling, nobody thinks that can do it alone with children. But 99% of the time, when the woman leaves - she NEVER regrets it later.

Alexandria94 · 01/11/2021 13:17

@Essexmummy88

But i am just as bad, when he said he would ruin the sofas I came back with if you do I will ruin your stuff too, so I dont have a leg to stand on really.

OP why even suggest that you are as bad as him????? Have you ever broke his tooth,? dragged him around? Poured water on his face as he slept? Confiscated his phone so that he couldnt reach out to friends? Financially abused him? And god knows what else he has done over the years.

You are nothing like him. He has worn you down into thinking you are as bad a person as him. It is part of the abuse, to make you feel so worthless that you feel that you deserve these things and nothing better. It will take time for you to unlearn these thoughts, but one thing which I know you must realise is that your children are not worthless and that they deserve more, even if you can't accept that you do too. Your children deserve a safe and comfortable upbringing without the threat of an abusive father, and you can give that to them.

Pheasantlysurprised · 01/11/2021 13:20

Apologies - have read further replies.
Please leave, this is actual abuse, don't regret it later on down the line when the rest of your confidence is smashed and your children have witnessed this happening to you. We can never turn back the clock, ever, so please consider your future.

lots of people scream 'abuse' for ridiculous reasons on MN, this is NOT one of them.

Basicbitch40 · 01/11/2021 13:22

This relationship is dead and is absolutely toxic. Honestly, if I were you, I would pack a few things right now and take the kids and leave. Go to the police and explain your situation. They will help you. You may need to go to a refuge but at least everyone will be safe. Never ever take him back again. You need to completely cut him out. Go now. Don't wait.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 13:23

You are nothing like him. He has worn you down into thinking you are as bad a person as him. It is part of the abuse, to make you feel so worthless that you feel that you deserve these things and nothing better. It will take time for you to unlearn these thoughts, but one thing which I know you must realise is that your children are not worthless and that they deserve more, even if you can't accept that you do too. Your children deserve a safe and comfortable upbringing without the threat of an abusive father, and you can give that to them.

OP, read this over and over and over again. Every word is true.