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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you forgive this?

230 replies

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:20

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me.

Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

OP posts:
LoekMa · 01/11/2021 03:34

I dont get it? I have no doubt you care about your DC, so what exactly are they learning by watching you stay with a man who PUNCHES out your TOOTH and pours water over you in bed??
You think staying in the same school is worth that in your sons eyes?
Jesus Christ!

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 03:40

@LoekMa

It isn;t easy. I have no money. We have a beautiful home, friends, school, nursery. He won't leave, he refuses time and time again. It is difficult to uproot my children and have nothing when currently we are "OK"

OP posts:
LoekMa · 01/11/2021 03:42

Ok you did not mention that before

I understand the no money part, its just such a scary situation to be in. Sending you Flowers hope someone comes along with better advice

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 03:44

Thank you @LoekMa

OP posts:
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 01/11/2021 03:52

You have a beautiful home, friends and you live with a man who cheats on you, punches your front tooth out, pours water over you while you are asleep, sends pictures of your period stained pjs while you are wearing them to his OW. You must realise that is all beyond fucked up.
You could be living in a 3 million dollar mansion and it wouldn’t be worth the abuse. Your DH is a disgusting abuser, and between you both, you are modelling the future behaviour for your DC. Your DS will understand abusing your DW is normal behaviour.
It’s hard to leave, but staying is damaging you and you DC. They have no option to leave and be safe but you can make that decision for them.
Contact womens aid and get the help and support you need to leave this man. His behaviour is only going to get worse not better.

nellly · 01/11/2021 04:04

[quote Essexmummy88]@LoekMa

It isn;t easy. I have no money. We have a beautiful home, friends, school, nursery. He won't leave, he refuses time and time again. It is difficult to uproot my children and have nothing when currently we are "OK"[/quote]
You are not ok. Neither are your children, time for some tough love but this is so far from ok and living with this is damaging them, never mind you! They see and know more than you think.
Get on them train, go to your family!

KittyWindbag · 01/11/2021 04:06

You don’t have a beautiful home. You have a prison that’s habitable and pleasant but it’s still a prison when this man shares that space with you. On a whim he hurts you, humiliates you. He could escalate. Don’t let your children see him as the example of manhood.

smoko · 01/11/2021 04:11

Do you think your child will thank you when they are an adult for prioritising them staying at this school, when they are also presumably left with scars from witnessing a toxic relationship growing up?

onelittlefrog · 01/11/2021 04:14

OP I can see you are still up. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Refuge have a 24 hour helpline. You could call them and talk all this through with them, and get some proper advice on what you can do.

0808 2000 247

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/phone-the-helpline/

smoko · 01/11/2021 04:15

Also having a beautiful home is a really sad thing to stay for

Your new place would look lovely too, I bet you could make it really homely not matter where you were. It would be you & your family’s safe space.

What use is a beautiful looking home when inside it is toxic, unhappy, abusive & violent?

To wake up with someone, a man standing over you throwing water on you would be quite scary I imagine.

When your kids leave home you’d be stuck with him in that house alone.

You know what you need to do, call women’s refuge again.

onelittlefrog · 01/11/2021 04:16

I see you said he has taken your phone but Refuge also have a web chat that you can use from 3-10pm Monday to Friday if that would be an option.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

onelittlefrog · 01/11/2021 04:20

I can't believe I am such a weak pathetic doormat

You're not. This is just how he makes you feel, because he is abusive. You have come this far and you've posted on here - you're stronger than you think.

You can get yourself out of this situation. Please contact Refuge as soon as you are able to.

ThePoliceOfficer · 01/11/2021 04:23

Speaking from experience as the child in this - you are not protecting them from any thing if you stay. My mum stayed until we were old enough to leave, once we did she finally left and met someone else but by then we were fucked up and she just got a fancy new life. We would have been happier living in a cardboard box. I will never forgive her for that.

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 04:24

This is why I posted. I knew it already but needed some sort of confirming of it. I am awake downstairs on our lovely new sofas that i had to buy on credit that he said he would slash (he has 60k in savings jesus).

I dont know if I should ask him to go tomorrow or wait until Thursday (my bday), when my dad is coming down to take me out for dinner?? What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 04:26

My dad is very old east end, gangster type, not good but it is what it is, I know he could get him to leave. What a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 04:29

I will be paying off these sofas for the next year. So angry about that. He said in his texts to OW "I poured water over a dog (me) once, so what?" with laughing crying emojis... ,how on earth did I let him back

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsManBun · 01/11/2021 04:32

@Essexmummy88

This is why I posted. I knew it already but needed some sort of confirming of it. I am awake downstairs on our lovely new sofas that i had to buy on credit that he said he would slash (he has 60k in savings jesus).

I dont know if I should ask him to go tomorrow or wait until Thursday (my bday), when my dad is coming down to take me out for dinner?? What do you think?

Go back with your dad.
Motherofcats007 · 01/11/2021 04:35

That’s shocking, you know you need to leave. Wait till your dad is here as he has a violent streak and tell your dad what you’re planning beforehand.

See if you can speak to the police or a lawyer about a restraining order? Did your previous incident get recorded in the hospital?

Definitely speak to a refuge and a lawyer re custody etc… good luck!!

HomeTheatreSystem · 01/11/2021 04:52

OP please contact Women's Aid about this and ask them for advice on Occupation orders and Restraining orders. The Occupation order says who can live in the house (regardless of ownership) and the restraining order keeps your abusive partner away from you. You should also be entitled to legal aid support because this is a domestic abuse situation. As for money you can claim benefits to help support your family although these might not be enough to meet your current financial obligations. What you cannot do is tolerate living with this execrable human being a moment longer. I think once you start taking steps to find out what it is in your power to do, you will start to feel much stronger. Using your dad to help persuade him to go sounds very tempting but it might compromise you legally.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 01/11/2021 04:56

@LoekMa

I dont get it? I have no doubt you care about your DC, so what exactly are they learning by watching you stay with a man who PUNCHES out your TOOTH and pours water over you in bed?? You think staying in the same school is worth that in your sons eyes? Jesus Christ!
No need to be so harsh, the OP is in a terribly abusive situation and has no confidence. She needs support not admonishment.
50ShadesOfCatholic · 01/11/2021 05:01

I'm not sure you should ask him to leave. He's violent and is unlikely to be reasonable or mature in his reaction.

I think you need to web chat Women's Aid (you can hide your search history) and get your dad to help.

I'd love to see you involve police because from what you have said here he should be arrested.

You can do this. I know you've had years of being belittled but trust us, you can get this man out of your life and get on with raising your children.

LoekMa · 01/11/2021 05:26

@50ShadesOfCatholic calm yourself right down.
As OP understood in my next response she had never mentioned discussing her son leaving with him and once she clarified that, MANY other posters had the same POV as I did, so dont you even bother picking me out of a line to criticize.

timeisnotaline · 01/11/2021 05:36

Your 12 yo will be far better off without him even if they have to change schools and life.

Nyfluff · 01/11/2021 05:37

This is not OK on any level. Sometimes it's easier to leave for your children than yourself. Don't make them live this hellish life.

Is the father of your eldest around?

Ask yourself what SS would do if they knew your babies were living in this environment? Are they involved after the police incident?

TreeSmuggler · 01/11/2021 05:40

You rather buried the lede there OP.

He has emotionally and physically abused you for five years and you both have affairs? The relationship is over, get away from this horrible man.