Leaving his wife

[foolbutwilling]

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

@quicklybeingdrivenmad
Possibly???!!! it was when their kids and mine were at primary school - wrecked friendship groups as we all used to go out socially with the kids - some people knew of the affair /caught on but no one had the nerve to tell the wife - she found out in the end but saw us as being just as deceitful as her husband for not telling her
Messy vile situation to be caught up in

@foolbutwilling

Yes left and it worked out

Ah.

So you are still hanging on to this liar, hoping he will leave his wife & kids for you?

Do you think that is gonna fix your self-esteem?

Come on OP. Do better. Get therapy. Be single. Get happy.
Much nicer men will then be attracted to you.

Did you read this link? - It would be a good pre-therapy start for you - lots of understanding of the dynamic of the cheating man, loads of advice about why improved self-esteem is more important than gaining validation from illicit shags - www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

How old are the children?

With Covid it has been the most awful time for especially children. There are so many children in our school who are unhappy, bullied and worried.

And now these children had their dad cheating on them with some OW. I feel so sorry for them. Both for the fallout between the parents (if the man actually told his wife) and for the trauma of their dad potentially leaving before Christmas.

@TurquoiseBaubles

It wasn't a mistake.

She knew he was married. She made the choice. Her only regret is that he ISN'T leaving his wife. She doesn't regret starting the affair in the first place.

I have zero sympathy for her, just as she has (obviously) zero sympathy for his wife and child.

This. ^

Although I don't wish any ill on the OP, I cannot, for a fleeting second, bring myself to feel sorry for her. She made her bed, so she can lie in it. She willingly had an affair with a married man, she didn't give a shit about his wife and kids, and she was gullible enough to believe the utter bullshit, that he would leave his wife. I do not give a shit about the OP's feelings, and think she brought all this 'tragic rejection' from this 'married man' on herself..

If that makes me a judgy, pearl-clutching unsympathetic old bint, then so be it.

Like many others on here, my sympathy lies with this arsehole's wife and kids. NOT with the OP. AT least SHE has the opportunity to get this horrible lying cheating piece of shit out of her life. His wife is stuck with him.

And the haven't you ever made any mistakes brigade can bore off too. Like many others on here, I have managed to go some 30 years of adulthood without having an affair with a married man!

You see it all the time on here
'My DH had an affair for ten years- shall I set fire to the other woman for doing that to our family?' Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot

Well done OP that's more like it.
As you can see him for what he is - why do you want him?

Or are you secretly hoping that he simply changes his choice of which lucky Pick-Me Dancer gets to wait on him hand and foot?

Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot
This wasn't my reaction to finding out that I'd unknowingly been at risk of catching STDs for probably the last few years. I wanted him out straight away. But that was because he'd kindly been preparing me to want him out by treating me like shit for the duration of his last affair. Many wives don't have that preparation time. As I say it's a big decision to make, breaking up a relationship that may have lasted decades, and the extended relationship with your in-laws, selling your home, moving from that area, losing joint friends, ending traditions you've built up over the years, potentially upsetting the children and turning their lives on their heads - two homes, two Christmases, getting used to new bf and gf - and probably losing a wad of money in the process. No-one does that lightly. I expect it's hard to understand if you haven't had such a serious relationship or huge life change, but believe me, it's about more than just the rejection, name-calling, lies and gaslighting.

@chargingbuck help? Such as what? We both know people leave when they are ready. Even friends and family cannot do it for you no matter how much "advise" you give people.

@Sunshineandflipflops

I guess the OW in my situation thought it had 'come good' for her in that I kicked my exh out when I discovered the affair and he began (continued) a relationship with her for 2 years.

Pictures over social media, getting in with his family, days out with and Christmas presents for my children. Until he cheated on her when it became a bit mundane and left her for another OW. She seems ok but he'll do it to her too, which is a shame for our children as they like her.

No idea if the original OW still thinks it 'came good' for her but I doubt it. She was known for being the reason a marriage and family broke up (along with my ex , obviously) and I'm not sure that reputation ever leaves someone, let alone the guilt when you realise it was all for nothing (if there was any there of course).

Oh, same here again :) except she cheated on him after 2 years!

@Fluffycloudland77

Divorces cost tens of thousands of pounds. 15 years ago my relative said £40k wasn’t unusual in fees so god knows how much they cost now.

I really he can’t see that he’s told her, she’s got lawyers but it’s just a bit frosty at home? It’s a pack of lies.

No they don't!

Unless the parties are being tediously combative, & losing thousands to Jarndyce & Jarndyce.

My divorce cost less than a couple of thousand.
Plus £3k for the injunction, but that's a whole other thread.
Would have been a couple of hundred had Ex not been a cockwomble.

Your relative may have meant the cost of 'losing' assets to their spouse, ie grumbling about the equitable division of property & money.

@Aquamarine1029

Perhaps your self-esteem will improve if you actually take accountability for your choices and learn from them.

Well quite @Aquamarine1029

But apparently advising someone to be a grown up & take steps to make her own life happier & more fulfilling makes us prime members of the Spiteful Bullies Clique.

I think I can cope, but r u ok hun?

There are cases where people fall in love and set up happily ever after with their affair partner.

But this is clearly not one of those cases.

No judgement from me OP. But this guy is a text book liar. He tells lies to his wife to keep her where he wants her, and lies to you to keep you where he wants you. He sees women as having a function in his life, not as full human beings in their own right.

[quote BunNcheese]@chargingbuck help? Such as what? We both know people leave when they are ready. Even friends and family cannot do it for you no matter how much "advise" you give people.[/quote]
So - you're not here to help, just to collude?

OK.

The problem is. You knew he had no problem deceiving his wife. If they were separating, he could have waited a few weeks before shagging you. When he was actually separated.

You knew he lies to people he is in a committed relationship. Nothing has changed. What hurts is the realisation that you aren't that special. You really thought, he lied to his wife but he would never do that to you because he loved you more?

Liars lie. Next time you see someone treating people badly, you need to remember they are not above doing that to you.

Pick yourself up, move on and never let someone treat you like this again.

@ChargingBuck my relatives a £400 an hour divorce barrister. Trust me, they cost thousands because simple divorces are rare. She’s stacked out even more now because of the pandemic.

Dh paid £14k to split up with his ex and they weren’t married. Her costs were £20k because she had to pay half of ours for playing silly buggers and the courts penalised her for not just dividing everything 50/50.

@ChargingBuck

How long have you been involved with this man?

He clearly has no respect for you going to the lengths of lying and pretending he will leave his wife knowingly he won't do such thing.
Christmas, birthdays and other special occasions should highlight to you your not priority.

Leaving will be hard but honestly OP at least you will be in control if you end things. Be Frank with him and tell him it's over.

Which part did you forget to read? I've read the full thread.... have you...

@Glassofshloer

🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m not judging you for the way you’ve behaved, but surely the logic of the situation tells you it shouldn’t be surprising that he doesn’t keep his word and cares nothing for those he claims to love?

Move on & keep your dignity.

This. He’s not going to leave, he’s having his cake and eating it. OP get your big girl pants on and walk away.

@ChargingBuck

You see it all the time on here 'My DH had an affair for ten years- shall I set fire to the other woman for doing that to our family?' Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot

Well done OP that's more like it.
As you can see him for what he is - why do you want him?

Or are you secretly hoping that he simply changes his choice of which lucky Pick-Me Dancer gets to wait on him hand and foot?

I honestly don't know. He had charisma. We could talk about stuff like I've never talked with anyone before. He's clever intelligent and obviously attractive and charming. I didn't think about his wife as he said it was almost over. I know that my husband wouldn't have given a shit if I'd have had an affair just before we split as he was just totally disengaged

Try not to feel humiliated @foolbutwilling because you took what he told you at face value. We all do that and we don't usually go about wondering if a person has told us the truth or not.
You now need to get more street smart when it comes to married men. Watch out for the manipulative ones. If they give you a sob story that's a strong sign they might be a manipulator.
In my experience there are an awful lot of married men who would cheat if there was a cast iron guarantee that there would be zero consequences. Some really decent 'family man' types even. They'd still do it if they knew they could get away with it.
You've just been played.

I honestly don't know. He had charisma. We could talk about stuff like I've never talked with anyone before. He's clever intelligent and obviously attractive and charming.

As a PP said you don’t know the real him as it was all lies. If you did know the real him you might not like him as much.

Why not just break things off until he moves into a new place and officially separates from his wife?
Or are you worried about doing that as deep down you know it means you’ll never see him again?

What made you think he wouldn't lie to you if you could see that he was lying to his wife?
Honesty is a complete non-negotiable for me - within the relationship but in life too. In the 30 years I've known my husband (a few years as friends before we got together), I have NEVER seen or heard him lie to anyone about anything, even small white lies. He's fair and not a cheat - in sports, board games or anything.
So, you've been complicit in his lies and have now realised you've been on the receiving end of them too. It must feel humiliating, yes, but are you really surprised?

[quote Fluffycloudland77]@ChargingBuck my relatives a £400 an hour divorce barrister. Trust me, they cost thousands because simple divorces are rare. She’s stacked out even more now because of the pandemic.

Dh paid £14k to split up with his ex and they weren’t married. Her costs were £20k because she had to pay half of ours for playing silly buggers and the courts penalised her for not just dividing everything 50/50.[/quote]
@Fluffycloudland77 I have barrister mates too, it doesn't change the facts.

Simple divorces are rare for your barrister relative because simple divorces don't get to barrister stage.
Simple divorces can cost no more than a few hundred quid. Please don't claim otherwise, it could scare off PP here who need one.

Mine was anything but simple.
Yet I still didn't spend more than £5k, & had an ace, I mean fucking spectacular, barrister to represent me. And an injunction, & a pint with the attractive judge, after oh woah no! that bit was divorce-relief madness, a fantasy I managed to squish before madly throwing self at the gent.

@ChargingBuck Maybe before you charge in with your 'advice' you ought to learn to read.

The OP said in her 1st post she was a fool.

She doesn't needs 100s of anon keyboard bullies to pile in and say it again.

It is quite believable that some marriages are over in all but name.

You see the reverse scenario here, day after day, where women are crying they have lost their partners to the OW so it is utter *rubbish^ to say they never leave their wives !

So to say men never leave is untrue. Often all they need is to meet another woman and it gives them the push to leave.

Equally, there are many women here posting that their marriages are dead and yes, they have met a man and want to end their marriage now.

Stop pretending this doesn't happen.

In RL I know of people who did leave their partners for the affair partner. it happens day in and day out.

And no, they are not serial adulterers.

The OP took what he said at face value.

It was an error.

Humans make them.

Have some compassion.

I honestly don't know. He had charisma. We could talk about stuff like I've never talked with anyone before. He's clever intelligent and obviously attractive and charming. I didn't think about his wife as he said it was almost over.

It's ok OP - shit happens, & you've learned how self-defeating it is to engage with a married man.

Charismatic, intelligent, attractive & charming single men are also available.

The most empowering thing you could do for yourself now would be to dump the fucker before he dumps you. See how he likes that.
It will do wonders for your feeling of humiliation, too.
Take control, send him a "Dear Liar, I'm sorry not to have caught on to you a lot sooner, but now I have, I don't fancy you any more. Do fuck off, there's a good chap. Do it quietly & I may not even tell your Not So Estranged Wife about your lies & cheating. Cheers!"

In your own form of words, obviously.
But you will feel so much better when you have burned that bridge, & singed his ego into the bargain.

[quote BunNcheese]@ChargingBuck

How long have you been involved with this man?

He clearly has no respect for you going to the lengths of lying and pretending he will leave his wife knowingly he won't do such thing.
Christmas, birthdays and other special occasions should highlight to you your not priority.

Leaving will be hard but honestly OP at least you will be in control if you end things. Be Frank with him and tell him it's over.

Which part did you forget to read? I've read the full thread.... have you...[/quote]
Apologies Bun. Possibly read it, but zoned out in boredom. Less "forgot to read", more "forgot had read it." Zzzzz

@WonderfulYou

I honestly don't know. He had charisma. We could talk about stuff like I've never talked with anyone before. He's clever intelligent and obviously attractive and charming.

As a PP said you don’t know the real him as it was all lies. If you did know the real him you might not like him as much.

Why not just break things off until he moves into a new place and officially separates from his wife?
Or are you worried about doing that as deep down you know it means you’ll never see him again?

Yes I know I will never see him again. He's a man who prides himself on his manliness. Has loads of boys toys cars, boat, nice clothes well groomed. But deep down he doesn't have a spine