Leaving his wife

[foolbutwilling]

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

@5128gap That's fine. You didn't, I did. At the end of the day it's all opinions on MN talk isn't it, something to do whilst the kettle boils.

[quote Gilda152]@5128gap That's fine. You didn't, I did. At the end of the day it's all opinions on MN talk isn't it, something to do whilst the kettle boils.[/quote]
Lol. Indeed.

@glassofsholer what a load of twaddle! We are all animals?? In the animal kingdom much sexual activity is forced, with one participant at least partially unwilling. Many species also kill each other’s off spring… So are humans, as animals, ok to do that too? Of course not, because the difference is cognition. We have the intellectual capacity to reason and CHOSE. And yes, if people chose polyamory, good for them. But that ISNT what’s happened here. The wife thinks he faithful (or at least is pretending she does) the OP, whilst knowing that she wasn’t the only one, fell for the “my wife doesn’t understand me” crap and thought that sharing this delightful man was a temporary situation. It isn’t! As human beings we make choices, thousands of them, everyday. It just so happens that the choices made here, by OP and the wankbadger, were selfish, entitled and cruel, nothing to do with being animals, just weak humans!

@BrilliantBetty

Oh no OP. Hope he hasn't told her any details about who you are. Or she might find you somehow, where you live, work or who you're family members are and do something to utterly humiliate you. She will likely be very hurt, humiliated and furious and all that rage could be coming your way. I found out a woman had been trying it on with my partner (ex!) found dirty messages etc. I posted them on her local Facebook page loads of comments from those who knew her - and I tagged her company in various pictures of messages too. I don't know what came over me I just went nuts with anger and adrenaline and wanted her to suffer. I also went to see her at her work place. You can imagine how that went down! She was bricking it. And cried.

Yes I was crazy, I'm sure i'm not the only person who has been furious with 'OW'. I don't regret it to be honest because if you go out of your way to mess with someone's family they might decide to mess with your life too.

For the love of god, get some help.

@ChargingBuck

I couldn't care less tbf- it's him she should be angry at

Yes, it is him she should be angry at.

But ... you couldn't care less?

Corking. So you have learned nothing, feel no shame, & if this man came crying to you in desperation needing his ego soothed by proving you do still actually fancy him - you'd take him, wouldn't you?

I hope he leaves his wife, 'loses' a crushing volume of assets to her in the divorce, & moves straight in with you. You'll believe you have "won". He'll know that you are just a handy roof & compliant body.

Because men who genuinely fall for their OW leave their wife cleanly, arrange their own interim accommodation while treating his ex-wife decently, & work hard to ensure that their OW - now new woman - doesn't suffer the backlash of rebound, or is being used as any port in a storm.

Enjoy being a port, OP. Probably one of many, either serially or simultaneously. Because this man is a user, but your startling "couldn't care less" reveals you in a similar light.
Or spend some time in therapy, understanding that the flip side of "low self esteem" can sometimes be selfish acting out at all you think the worlds 'owes' you.

And selfish people quite often get what they want, but remain deeply unhappy.

Not what I said at all so no need for the sermon. I said I couldn't care less if she turns up after revenge

[quote Onthedunes]@maffhew

I said that as in the way, the wife is more useful, of more value, to their selfish lives.

Men do think this way of women, and it is not a good idea to put yourself up against this type of fight, it can seriously damage women's confidence.

As what has happened with the op.[/quote]
Yes I think you are right. He sees women in terms of their usefulness and purpose.

If you end up with him or not you will get what you deserve. Please don't pretend you love him when you've listed his qualities as commodities. I rather suspect you two deserve each other. What an insidious person you are - why spoil two houses and all that.

I said I couldn't care less if she turns up after revenge

Exactly. Because you feel no personal guilt, or sorrow for her.

If you had an ounce of empathy for her, you'd care.

Please don't pretend you love him when you've listed his qualities as commodities.

Preach it, @Sidehustle99

Commodities which will be at least halved if OP 'wins' & his wife divorces him.

Are you going to see him again OP?

OP. When I found out about my ex's affair I saw messages between the two where he

• claimed he has asked me for a divorce, but I refused
• claimed he couldn't wait to have children with her (he has a sperm count of zero due to chemo)
• claimed he paid for my children from a previous relationship private schooling - bullshit they go to the local comp
• claimed he did everything around the house - again, bullshit. He never lifted a finger
• claimed I didn't want to work - untrue, I had a PT job that he hated me going to because there was less time for me to wait on him
• claimed I just spent all his money - he actually fucked up our finances by having huge gambling debts....

At the same time we were going on holidays, which were explained away by him as I had booked them, he had no choice, etc.
He was also still posting sweet photos of me and him on his socials and when she questioned them he said I had control of his Instagram (yea right)

All this to say, men LIE LIE LIE. to their wives and to their mistresses.
And some women are gullible enough to believe it all.

Walk away. Learn from it.

[quote Onthedunes]@BrilliantBetty

I do think some ow don't realise the danger they can put themselves in, crimes of passion do occur.

No man is worth that, that's the point op, I suppose all types of revenge are illegal but do you not think driving someone to potential insanity could put you in danger.

Look at the Betty Broderick story on netflix, it's what nightmares are made of, I would never want to hurt someone that much that they could lose the plot.[/quote]
Dan Broderick was a twat who used his wife to provide for and support him whilst he got his qualifications and then pigged off with his OW whilst gaslighting Betty. I don't feel sorry for him at all, he pushed her to the limit.

@hawtpot Jesus..... hope you're ok now. All those lies... how did he keep up with them all.

@foolbutwilling

I found out my ex long term partner had an OW(s)….Many weird events, but I actually met the one who told me organically, we became friends (like yoga friends not super close) .. anyway SHE was the one to put it all together and figure out the lies.

She told me.

Well… turns out she was one of many others!!!

So, I fell for this type of swine and I can believe he took others in as well. While I don’t think it’s right to knowingly infringe on a marriage, I do think much of the blame is on him.

Sadly, much of the work is on you. You need to put in the work to not take scraps and just realize your potential. You’re better than this.

You aren’t winning a prize. The wife is just losing a leech.

Oh yes, upon finding out many of these other women thought they were the only ones! Just like me as his partner.

Frankly, I do feel sympathy for you. You’ve been brought so low. If it wasn’t you, this man would have found another. You’re not special at all. It’s so sad.

Furtive scraps of his attention. All of it. It’s beneath you. I don’t care how others feel, I believe you’re better than this.

The real way for revenge? Ignore him completely. Cut yourself from his life. Never do this type of thing again.

You wouldn’t want this to happen to you as the primary partner.

He has others or will. Believe his with your whole chest. You need to get help to realize your own worth. Not for us who are cheated on, but for you as a worthy woman who deserves better than scraps.

You’re in a relationship based on lies and deceit and not functioning under normal circumstances. It is entirely possible and highly likely therefore that you have also been lied to. Lies are the necessary fuel of affairs. From all parties.

Affairs are exciting due to their having to function in an illicit and secretive manner. Advertising campaigns for luxury items often have the indulgent and ‘naughty’ side of the product exaggerated for this very reason. It heightens the longings and ‘if only...s” more than the start of a normal relationship would, making the participants think that this person is incredibly special. In most cases a good dose of reality usually pulls back the curtain and shows it and the participants for what it actually is. The husband sees what he stands to lose, the realisation hits that he hasn’t got the faintest clue how their affair partner behaves in real life situations outside of restaurants, beds and hotel rooms. The affair partner’s faults that he has ignored or downplayed to keep the excitement going and not upset the apple cart loom larger and it all comes up short in comparison to his loyal wife, the long standing relationship and shared life experiences. History counts for a great deal and most affair partners have very little of that.
That’s why he’s still with his wife. He wants to be.

OP, affairs break hearts all over the place and are rarely ever worth it.
Just get out of the situation. Free yourself. You have that choice. You can heal your heartbreak and instantly take away the feelings of guilt and shame by knowing you are no longer aiding and abetting a weak man inflict enormous pain on someone else.
It can honestly only improve your life to do this. Make a fresh start with a commitment to yourself from now on to live openly and honestly and distance those who don’t. You’ll feel way better about yourself.

@Thewookiemustgo
Excellent post. You've said it all perfectly.

Not too sure what you expect people to say. He was married when you met him, presumably has children with this woman and has been lying to her for X amount of time yet you can't believe he's lied to you? 😕

I am sorry to say but its very clear that he isn't leaving his wife for you. Yes you should feel ashamed. Imagine how his wife feels, leave them to it.

@ValerieCupcake

I don't want to agree with you because of course Betty Broderick was very wrong and she deprived her children of their father but he was some odious piece of shit and I do feel sorry for her, awful though her actions were.

I disagree strongly with posters saying the OP is bullied and deserves better treatment and understanding.

OP your very first sentence "I know I'm a bad person blah, blah, blah was so Blaise and just a throwaway line for you.

You are a fucking horrible person! Your cock of a lover falls into the same category as you. You know he is married, you know he has children but you still choose to get involved. There is NO excuse on either side. I have no sympathy at all and really hope it ends in a pile of shit. Despicable behavior.

@Fromablokespoint

I disagree strongly with posters saying the OP is bullied and deserves better treatment and understanding.

OP your very first sentence "I know I'm a bad person blah, blah, blah was so Blaise and just a throwaway line for you.

You are a fucking horrible person! Your cock of a lover falls into the same category as you. You know he is married, you know he has children but you still choose to get involved. There is NO excuse on either side. I have no sympathy at all and really hope it ends in a pile of shit. Despicable behavior.

Truth is people who have affairs are not horrible people. Many people have affairs.

It's a shitty thing to do but it happens!

It's so rare that a man will leave his wife for the other woman. It looks like your situation is not the exception to the rule. It's time to walk away. If he really plans to leave her, he will do it and let you know.

@BunNcheese it's a horrible thing to do, therefore the actions of horrible people. Nice people don't do horrible things

Wakey wakey, don't be a sucker for constant rejection.