Leaving his wife

[foolbutwilling]

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

I wonder what you mean by 'come good'?

@PissyMum

Just leave him. He’s made it clear that he’s not going to leave his wife.

Read this OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4347697-The-Tedious-Married-Mans-Script

[quote BunNcheese]@ChargingBuck because it takes two. I don't like bullies. I notice that on these types of threads there's a certain type of woman that's ready to kick OP and similar down.

She made her choices yes. So what though! The man is often the pursuing party... I known its a hard pill for some to swallow on here but it is true. I often wonder.... if the "Husbands" got held to the same level of accountability for cheating things would be a lot different generally. Reality is though there's TOO much focus on OW. What about the husband here?? I always notice there's never much mention. Mean while the wife has taken his sorry arse back[/quote]
You see it all the time on here
'My DH had an affair for ten years- shall I set fire to the other woman for doing that to our family?' Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot

He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her

So he HASN'T told his wife he wants to leave her and he hasn't told her he had an affair has he? He is sort of giving the impression he has, but what he actually has done is had a go at his wife in an argument. Even if he used the actual wording above (which is probably an overdramatic telling at best) then he is both very cruel, and has probably done it in the heat of the argument - easy to retract afterwards. More likely, he just treated her to a long list of her flaws and how he is unhappy. And paraphrased it to you.

So in reality he is "swearing on his daughter's life that he was horrible to his wife in an argument." Prince among men.

Yes left and it worked out

Divorces cost tens of thousands of pounds. 15 years ago my relative said £40k wasn’t unusual in fees so god knows how much they cost now.

I really he can’t see that he’s told her, she’s got lawyers but it’s just a bit frosty at home? It’s a pack of lies.

@PatsyJStone

He’s definitely not ready to leave, you really have to be strong and completely cut ties. Ignore any promises for the future. Unless he presents himself completely out of the relationship, in his own new home, then tell him to stay away from you. Whatever you do don’t invite him to your home to stay as it will be easier for him to leave you and go back to his wife. If he’s committed to leaving his marriage he will find a new home and commit to all the outgoings required. He’s no love of your life because he’s not treating you like you are his. You’ve wasted your time. Sadly you’ve discovered he’s a liar and a cheat, he’s no prize. The risk you take being the OW.

Agree with all this

Very occasionally men are genuinely at the end of their relationship and don't love their wives anymore. If they are genuine they will leave very quickly, sort their shit out and find somewhere to live by themselves not just come and cocklodge with their girlfriend. its still shit of them to wait till someone else comes along though so I would think twice about getting with someone like this even in this circumstance :(

‘It NEVER EVER evokes any sympathy on MN to admit to making a mistake and getting involved with a man who is not (yet) divorced or officially separated.’

It’s never a ‘mistake’ that word minimises the damage affairs do. Living together = still bloody married.

The OP knew what she was doing, she hoped to win the ‘prize’ and didn’t. Not rocket science.

Time now to realise what sort of prize she would have won!

If by ‘come good’ you mean the affair partners ended up together …in my observations of these things, very rarely.

And when it does ‘work out’, it’s because the married person or people decided to leave their spouse and promptly did. When they’re dragging it out like this, it almost certainly means they have no intention of leaving.

He hasn’t told his wife anything, either. Complete bullshit. If he did, he’d be dealing with the fallout from that now, not planning a quiet Christmas with her.

Smell the coffee. This affair is dead in the water. Find someone who is available and honest and treats you with an ounce of respect.

@foolbutwilling
My DH had an affair for ten years- shall I set fire to the other woman for doing that to our family?' Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot

so you have been on the other side. Do you think this influenced you into thinking better to be the OW than the suffering wife?

Perhaps your self-esteem will improve if you actually take accountability for your choices and learn from them.

I hope it makes you all feel better to kick someone when they are down.

I imagine OP doesn't feel especially good about kicking someone when she's down either.
Just not quite bad enough to stop doing it - whether the wife knows yet or not (I would bet large she doesn't.)

And no, @NotresDames. Because it's not about me, it's about advising OP to accept some responsibility for the choices she has made. Until she does so, she is going to continue making herself dreadfully unhappy, & I don't want that for her, despite her mistake.
I hope she learns from it, gets some therapy, builds up her self-esteem, gets happy in herself, then finds a lovely single guy of her own.

I do also see your point about the married man "sitting at the table being waited on hand and foot". But can you imagine how someone, in what they thought was a happy marriage, would react to being told by their partner that they are unhappy, that they don't like the way the wife treats them (cant stand being with her) and don't think they love her anymore? Rushing around trying to fix it is a perfectly natural reaction. Which may well be what the wife is doing now/has been doing since the speech he says he gave. So he gets bonus points from you because he apparently told his wife "the truth" (that she is terrible) and gets extra nice treatment from his spouse who doesn't know he is a cheat but does know he is unhappy. Win win.

"My marriage is all but over"

Talk about a line from The married cheaters cliché terms handbook.

The weekend away to see friends is bollocks too;they were having a nice weekend away as a married couple including the sex that comes with it.

Have you ask him if you're his first extra marital affair or the first person he's cheated on his wife with?

Walk away from him @foolbutwilling and find yourself a uncomplicated relationship with a single man.

You see it all the time on here
'My DH had an affair for ten years- shall I set fire to the other woman for doing that to our family?' Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot

The ‘boyfriend’ is to blame here definitely for being married and then lying to someone else and happily having sex with her when it suits him etc.

But you are responsible for believing his lies, knowing he was living with his wife and wondering why he’s not left her and thinking that you actually have a future with him.
It sounds harsh but you getting hurt is as much your fault as it is his as you have gone along with the relationship knowing he wasn’t fully committed to you.

I know people who have been with someone who was married and they’ve ended up moving in together and getting married themselves.
But they don’t do this by having sex with him and doing anything he’s says whilst he’s still with his wife, they give him an ultimatum and say nothing is going to happen whilst you’re still living with your wife - they then know straight away if he’s serious about them or not.
Why would your boyfriend split up with his wife when he’s having his cake and eating it too.

[quote Bluebells34]@foolbutwilling
My DH had an affair for ten years- shall I set fire to the other woman for doing that to our family?' Whilst DH is sat at the family table having his dinner cooked being waited on hand and foot

so you have been on the other side. Do you think this influenced you into thinking better to be the OW than the suffering wife?[/quote]
No this isn't me. I'm saying what cheated wives on here often say

@foolbutwilling
oh apologies !

OP I really think you need to be working on your self-esteem now. Not fretting about why this low-life lying cheater hasn't left his wife for you. Is that all you set your sights on in life, a low-life lying cheater?
And also you should be working on your ethics. Everyone makes mistakes, but we need to learn from them so we don't repeat them.

I don’t think he’s told her anything tbh. Just end it, take back control, imagine being in relationship with someone like that. Basically lying to his wife and now you. All you have to look forward to is a lifetime of lies. Find someone who deserves you and gives you undivided attention.

The difference is though that cheated wives have a reasonable expectation of a level of commitment from their partners.

He won't leave her, and if he does if they have children and years of marriage he will always go back to her. I'm sorry Op but you will always be the 2nd option to him. She will always be in the background. Leave, walk away, cut all contact, it really is the only forward for you. He's lied to everyone making you believe his lies. It is so painful when you discover the person you love doesn't love you, you will heal-you will. Be strong, find that inner strength and move forward with your life.

[quote BunNcheese]@ChargingBuck because it takes two. I don't like bullies. I notice that on these types of threads there's a certain type of woman that's ready to kick OP and similar down.

She made her choices yes. So what though! The man is often the pursuing party... I known its a hard pill for some to swallow on here but it is true. I often wonder.... if the "Husbands" got held to the same level of accountability for cheating things would be a lot different generally. Reality is though there's TOO much focus on OW. What about the husband here?? I always notice there's never much mention. Mean while the wife has taken his sorry arse back[/quote]
I'll deal with the husband when he pops up to start his own thread @BunNcheese.

& you are at perfect liberty to take OP's initial sentence at face value.
I chose not to, because it read like self-serving bullshit, & a covert bid for sympathy.
That hasn't stopped me giving her some robust, but if I say so m'self, sterling advice about how to best help herself now.

What advice have you given her? or did you just pop up to be sanctimonious on her behalf, without offering any actual help?

Mean while the wife has taken his sorry arse back
I think you'll find that this is more accurately written as -
"Meanwhile, the wife continues in her mistaken belief that her sorry arse DH is faithful."

Bluebells34 do you live in the same village as me cos the same scandal wrecked our village put parents who were lifelong friends against each other x

I guess the OW in my situation thought it had 'come good' for her in that I kicked my exh out when I discovered the affair and he began (continued) a relationship with her for 2 years.

Pictures over social media, getting in with his family, days out with and Christmas presents for my children. Until he cheated on her when it became a bit mundane and left her for another OW. She seems ok but he'll do it to her too, which is a shame for our children as they like her.

No idea if the original OW still thinks it 'came good' for her but I doubt it. She was known for being the reason a marriage and family broke up (along with my ex , obviously) and I'm not sure that reputation ever leaves someone, let alone the guilt when you realise it was all for nothing (if there was any there of course).

Sorry to break it to you but he's never going to leave. Block and move on