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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving his wife

297 replies

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 14:04

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

OP posts:

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 28/10/2021 19:32

Oh that old my wife doesn't understand me chestnut 😂

Original poster

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 19:38

@allenkeys

My ex swore on our DC lives he was telling the whole truth .... when he wasn't ... I comfort myself with visions of him rotting slowly in hell of course.

I know it's just words at the end of the day but how can a person say those words about their own DC? He must be a revolting piece of shit OP.

Honest to god I don't get it. Lowest of the low. Well it's done. I've messaged him saying he's a cunt I don't fancy him I was just pretending and to enjoy his charade of a marriage.

OP posts:

Babyghirl · 28/10/2021 19:59

@foolbutwilling
Walk away cause if he leaves his wife and you think you have won well you havent cause he will do it on you.

He no intentions on leaving his wife he just wants his cake and eat it.

Being the ow never works out cause if he goes out with out you you will be wondering what he getting up to, at the end of the day he done it on his wife so can do it on you to. You can't and won't change who he is you want to live your life wondering.

BrilliantBetty · 28/10/2021 20:04

Oh no OP. Hope he hasn't told her any details about who you are. Or she might find you somehow, where you live, work or who you're family members are and do something to utterly humiliate you.
She will likely be very hurt, humiliated and furious and all that rage could be coming your way.
I found out a woman had been trying it on with my partner (ex!) found dirty messages etc. I posted them on her local Facebook page loads of comments from those who knew her - and I tagged her company in various pictures of messages too. I don't know what came over me I just went nuts with anger and adrenaline and wanted her to suffer. I also went to see her at her work place. You can imagine how that went down! She was bricking it. And cried.

Yes I was crazy, I'm sure i'm not the only person who has been furious with 'OW'. I don't regret it to be honest because if you go out of your way to mess with someone's family they might decide to mess with your life too.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 20:07

Has he replied OP?

Original poster

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 20:13

@BrilliantBetty

Oh no OP. Hope he hasn't told her any details about who you are. Or she might find you somehow, where you live, work or who you're family members are and do something to utterly humiliate you. She will likely be very hurt, humiliated and furious and all that rage could be coming your way. I found out a woman had been trying it on with my partner (ex!) found dirty messages etc. I posted them on her local Facebook page loads of comments from those who knew her - and I tagged her company in various pictures of messages too. I don't know what came over me I just went nuts with anger and adrenaline and wanted her to suffer. I also went to see her at her work place. You can imagine how that went down! She was bricking it. And cried.

I couldn't care less tbf- it's him she should be angry at

OP posts:

LittleDandelionClock · 28/10/2021 20:13

@foolbutwilling

Honest to god I don't get it. Lowest of the low.

Well it's done. I've messaged him saying he's a cunt I don't fancy him I was just pretending and to enjoy his charade of a marriage.

If this is true, then good for you. Block him on everything, and if he does contact you again somehow, tell him to fuck off. Do NOT get back with him again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 20:53

I couldn't care less tbf- it's him she should be angry at

Ah. This isn't really the thinking of someone genuinely sorry for contributing to someone else's pain is it? You're right she should be angry at him, but it's human nature to also be angry at someone who was knowingly part of causing pain to you.

People could say to you that knowingly shagging a married bloke means it's yourself you should be angry at, not the bloke as you did know he was married. He didn't tell you the marriage was over. He told you it was 'almost' over. You didn't wait, you flirted, kissed, shagged him - you could have stopped at any stage but didn't.

I think you're angry largely because you know he chose her and that if he hadn't or if she hadn't taken him back, you would have been delighted to be with someone you know is a cheat and liar. That must bring up some confusing feelings about your instincts and character.

I really think reflecting on that and showing some compassion instead of speaking so flippantly about his wife and your behaviour would be a very valuable way to learn from this instead of it all having been for absolutely nothing.

MsDogLady · 28/10/2021 20:56

So this confident dreamboat is: charismatic, clever, intelligent, attractive, charming, well-groomed/dressed, proud of his manliness and “boy toys”…..and yet he somehow stumbled around and “fell into” infidelity?

He sounds like a player who sees you as one of his possessions. He feels entitled to have a mistress to use, just as he feels entitled to have a wife to humiliate. It’s who he is.

OP, you can cease your complicity in this wrongdoing. Use your agency and walk away for good. Consider counseling to strengthen your boundaries and self-esteem. And never believe the cliche “I swear on my [loved one’s] life,” which is right out of the Cheater’s Handbook.

Basicbitch40 · 28/10/2021 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Pugmumm · 28/10/2021 21:18

Good luck OP and if you really have told him to 'do one' good for you, just keep to it.. has he responded to your message?

Sidehustle99 · 28/10/2021 21:23

@foolbutwilling

I disagree with you 100%, she has every right to be furious with you too.

DuchessOfDisaster · 28/10/2021 21:27

@BrilliantBetty

Oh no OP. Hope he hasn't told her any details about who you are. Or she might find you somehow, where you live, work or who you're family members are and do something to utterly humiliate you. She will likely be very hurt, humiliated and furious and all that rage could be coming your way. I found out a woman had been trying it on with my partner (ex!) found dirty messages etc. I posted them on her local Facebook page loads of comments from those who knew her - and I tagged her company in various pictures of messages too. I don't know what came over me I just went nuts with anger and adrenaline and wanted her to suffer. I also went to see her at her work place. You can imagine how that went down! She was bricking it. And cried.

Is that a criminal offence? I mean I know how you must have felt, but I thought it was illegal?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 21:36

Yeah @DuchessOfDisaster that was illegal and could be charged and prosecuted under harassment laws. And defamation if you can show it had potential to harm your reputation and to lose earning potential, which this would meet the threshold of especially as her company was tagged.

OW aren't worth a criminal record, as angry and devastated as they and a cheating spouse may understandably make a wife feel.

Californiansunsets · 28/10/2021 21:37

@foolbutwilling

He 'swears on his daughters life he has told the truth'

Urghh I can't believe I ever had feelings for such a psycho

My ex husband swore on our kids lives he wasn’t having an affair……..he was having an affair. I guess our kids’ lives meant nothing to him. Don’t be so naive.

Onthedunes · 28/10/2021 21:43

Do you have children?

You do know this is an un cool thing to do, trying to break up a family unit.

Did the thought of his children ever enter your head, obviously the wife didn't. So you tried to get him from the begining because he had money and power but he's decided that his wife is better value.

Good try, maybe next time you won't be quite so full of yourself.
That's gotta hurt.

It's a fail, all this experience has done for you is let him humiliate you, and also let you know that another woman is better than you and has won.

It ends up being a lose, lose situation for you.

Morgan12 · 28/10/2021 21:47

He won't care.
He got a good few shags and his wife never found out.
That's a win.

Lynne1Cat · 28/10/2021 21:49

He's been having the best of both worlds. Walk away, don't contact him again, block him on everything. He will never leave his wife for you. There are plenty of better men around.

WanderingLost167 · 28/10/2021 21:53

I've been where you are.

My lesson was this: don't expect a weakan to do something that requires strength.

Having an affair was because he was too weak to deal with a failing marriage, so why do you think he'll be strong enough to leave her for you now?

BrilliantBetty · 28/10/2021 22:00

Is that a criminal offence? I mean I know how you must have felt, but I thought it was illegal?

Maybe. Didn't care at all at the time.
Don't care now. Not everyone acts rationally or would not do something vengeful because they might get in trouble. If you get involved in a situation like this, you're taking a risk.
As the 'OW' it's quite possible someone will want to hurt you back is what I am trying to warn OP about. Let's hope wife is less angry/impulsive that me!

Onthedunes · 28/10/2021 22:36

@BrilliantBetty

I do think some ow don't realise the danger they can put themselves in, crimes of passion do occur.

No man is worth that, that's the point op, I suppose all types of revenge are illegal but do you not think driving someone to potential insanity could put you in danger.

Look at the Betty Broderick story on netflix, it's what nightmares are made of, I would never want to hurt someone that much that they could lose the plot.

maffhew · 28/10/2021 22:45

another woman is better than you and has won

Oh come on. Men don't stay with the wife because she's better! They stay for the home, the kids, the lifestyle and status. If they are cheating on the wife then they don't think much of her and certainly don't think she's better. She's just something that goes along with all the commodities he does think are better than the OW.

Lana07 · 28/10/2021 22:52

Learn from this situation and never get involved with a MM (married man) whatever he says.

Onthedunes · 28/10/2021 22:56

@maffhew

I said that as in the way, the wife is more useful, of more value, to their selfish lives.

Men do think this way of women, and it is not a good idea to put yourself up against this type of fight, it can seriously damage women's confidence.

As what has happened with the op.

longcoffeebreak · 28/10/2021 23:24

Oh dear op sorry you got tangled up with this situation

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