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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving his wife

297 replies

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 14:04

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 28/10/2021 23:28

He's made you look a prick and it hurts. It could be worse. Lick your wounds and move on, his marriage is none of your business.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 23:33

@longcoffeebreak

Oh dear op sorry you got tangled up with this situation
Tangled up? Come on, she had agency over her behaviour. He said he had 'almost' split with his wife. She should have waited before progressing to flirting then kissing then shagging then expecting a relationship. It's a lesson learned for her, not the end of the world, but it's infantilising to suggest she got 'tangled up' in something she was a knowing and willing participant in.
Closetbeanmuncher · 28/10/2021 23:51

He's a liar OP, I think you know that. When it comes down to it many people would rather choose the lifestyle and married status (even if it is a cherade as you say).

While you're tied up with this gutless fool you're blocking the way for anyone decent to come into your life. Read that part again.

Upupandiwent · 29/10/2021 01:05

Was it a long term affair, OP? I hooe the dust settles for everyone concerned and you're able to learn from this. I also hope that the MM has learnt his lesson too and might be able to make a go of his marriage. People make mistakes. It's how we recover and carry on that's important.

Carolinechanning · 29/10/2021 01:41

Is what you did great? No. But what he did is so much worse. You are guilty of falling for his lies, he's guilty of adultery and has a lot of moral failings. If I were his wife I wouldn't 'blame' you, so you need to forgive yourself. Block his number, read the book 'getting rid of Matthew' by Jane Fallon, learn your lessons and move on.

Begrateful · 29/10/2021 01:49

This is laughable!🤣😂 mmhhh what did you expect from a married man cheating on his wife..., Honesty?

Tiredofbs123 · 29/10/2021 06:48

So many huge generalisations here it’s untrue.

In one huge study on infidelity, in 50% of marriages the cheat classed themselves as happy with their marriage. Some men just want MORE and are selfish and entitled enough to get it, if someone with low enough standards comes along. Failed marriage, disconnected marriage is a red herring.

We only have OP view of this marriage from a man who was clearly telling her what she WANTED to hear to fit her narrative. His wife could tell us a VERY different story.

BunNcheese · 29/10/2021 06:55

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yeah *@DuchessOfDisaster* that was illegal and could be charged and prosecuted under harassment laws. And defamation if you can show it had potential to harm your reputation and to lose earning potential, which this would meet the threshold of especially as her company was tagged.

OW aren't worth a criminal record, as angry and devastated as they and a cheating spouse may understandably make a wife feel.

Exactly and to expose sexual pictures. Too far. She deserves to get reported to the police. 2 wrongs and all that.
myheartskippedabeat · 29/10/2021 08:56

@Whatinthelord

You need to just cut ties and walk away. Based on what you’ve written I don’t believe for a second you’re getting a truthful story from him.
Is second this

Anyone that can lie to their wife can also lie to you

If you become the permanent partner that leaves a vacancy for a new OW

You've been stupid to even get involved so so the right thing and walk away

oviraptor21 · 29/10/2021 09:17

In one huge study on infidelity, in 50% of marriages the cheat classed themselves as happy with their marriage. Some men just want MORE and are selfish and entitled enough to get it, if someone with low enough standards comes along. Failed marriage, disconnected marriage is a red herring.

That means that 50% are not happy in their marriages. The question is, are they bothered and/or brave and/or honest enough to do something about it. In OP's case it appears not although the fact of losing her has a slim chance that it may stun him into action.

Malena77 · 29/10/2021 09:58

OP - save yourself time and further heartbreak, leave now, don’t look back…at best, even if he ends his marriage, you’ll become a rebound relationship with an inevitable expiry date. At worst you’ll be kept waiting for his words to become actions and your life will be put on hold as long as you’ll allow it to happen.
He may have all the charisma in the world - if he lacks courage & integrity he’ll not be there for you when you need him.
He’s not worth your love.

EezyOozy · 29/10/2021 10:24

Yes you are a terrible person. Nope, it's not over and he has no intention of leaving his wife.

Standard.

Buildingthefuture · 29/10/2021 10:48

I cannot abide these posts which try to absolve the OW of any responsibility. Whilst yes, he is obviously a colossal wanker who deserves everything that is coming to him, OW (or OM) have a responsibility too. It is not a "mistake" to knowingly enter into a relationship with a married man (or woman), irrespective of what they have told you. It is a CHOICE and an extremely selfish one, particularly if there are children involved. A mistake is bumping the car or putting a black sock in with a white wash. I read these threads in despair and wonder what on earth has happened to common decency? Does everyone lie, cheat, steal?? And as for the poster who went after the OW? Hurrah for her....defamation of character, my arse! If OW was so concerned about her true character being known, she should have behaved better!!!

Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 11:02

I read these threads in despair and wonder what on earth has happened to common decency? Does everyone lie, cheat, steal??

I don’t think it’s that, I think we forget we are still animals and that the modern standards of behaviour we impose on ourselves are unrealistic and, frankly, unnatural. Hopefully polyamory will become more normal in future.

Gilda152 · 29/10/2021 11:35

"Hopefully polyamory will become more normal in future"

Maybe it will. But that's not what this is about.

This is about some greedy married man putting his knob in two people at once and at least one of them being upset and seemingly surprised that said man is a lying toad and not a frog prince.

So she's either thick or delusional because I don't think she was after polyamory, do you?

asteroommatus · 29/10/2021 12:18

Hopefully polyamory will become more normal in future.

You think polyamory stops people cheating? That people in these relationships never step outside the boundary of their relationship? Most polyamory relationships have rules and boundaries. Even if it's 'you can have sex with anyone, just not my family'.

How about hoping that people are just honest? You wanna step outside the boundaries of the relationship, whatever those boundaries are, be honest with the person that thinks you have remained inside the boundaries you both agreed to.

Or not lying to a new person about your intentions regarding your current relationship.

I think polyamory is great for those that want it. It's not going to solve the problem if people who consistently decide to decieve those they say they love.

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 12:27

I couldn't care less tbf- it's him she should be angry at

Yes, it is him she should be angry at.

But ... you couldn't care less?

Corking. So you have learned nothing, feel no shame, & if this man came crying to you in desperation needing his ego soothed by proving you do still actually fancy him - you'd take him, wouldn't you?

I hope he leaves his wife, 'loses' a crushing volume of assets to her in the divorce, & moves straight in with you. You'll believe you have "won". He'll know that you are just a handy roof & compliant body.

Because men who genuinely fall for their OW leave their wife cleanly, arrange their own interim accommodation while treating his ex-wife decently, & work hard to ensure that their OW - now new woman - doesn't suffer the backlash of rebound, or is being used as any port in a storm.

Enjoy being a port, OP. Probably one of many, either serially or simultaneously. Because this man is a user, but your startling "couldn't care less" reveals you in a similar light.
Or spend some time in therapy, understanding that the flip side of "low self esteem" can sometimes be selfish acting out at all you think the worlds 'owes' you.

And selfish people quite often get what they want, but remain deeply unhappy.

DrSbaitso · 29/10/2021 12:34

[quote Onthedunes]@BrilliantBetty

I do think some ow don't realise the danger they can put themselves in, crimes of passion do occur.

No man is worth that, that's the point op, I suppose all types of revenge are illegal but do you not think driving someone to potential insanity could put you in danger.

Look at the Betty Broderick story on netflix, it's what nightmares are made of, I would never want to hurt someone that much that they could lose the plot.[/quote]
Are you suggesting that Dan and Linda Broderick deserved to be murdered or were somehow responsible for it?

Gilda152 · 29/10/2021 12:44

@DrSbaitso there is a lot of sympathy for Betty Broderick for the abuse and gaslighting she was subjected to for years on end by her husband. I don't think Linda deserved to be murdered. She didn't deserve any good karma in life though either and being murdered doesn't make her a saint. As for Dan, meh. He was evil. He knowingly used and abused this woman with no care for her as a woman or an individual. He knowingly and purposefully tried to disrupt her psychologically. So he kind of reaped what he sowed really. In my opinion of course.

Sidehustle99 · 29/10/2021 12:47

@DrSbaitso

I'm not sure how you reached that conclusion? I think she was suggesting that you can't guess how your actions, particularly if hurtful can affect other people. She gave an example of where someone reacted in the worst way. I don't think she endorsed this behaviour.

5128gap · 29/10/2021 12:47

I know it goes against the grain on MN, but in RL I know a few relationships like this where it worked out. Its ridiculous to suggest that every relationship that starts with cheating (which by nature of the secrecy its impossible to know how many this applies to) is doomed to failure. The fact is people fall out of love with their spouses, and in love with other people, and can be too selfish and cautious to make a big life change straight away. They're not necessarily serial cheats, and may well be faithful in their new relationship. I know of situations where married men were not lying that their marriage was over, I know of ones where they were, but later did end it for the OW. I also know of ones where the man did want to run both together, and had no intention of leaving. Its impossible to tell which yours is OP, unless you stick to your ultimatum.

opalplumstead · 29/10/2021 12:50

@5128gap

I know it goes against the grain on MN, but in RL I know a few relationships like this where it worked out. Its ridiculous to suggest that every relationship that starts with cheating (which by nature of the secrecy its impossible to know how many this applies to) is doomed to failure. The fact is people fall out of love with their spouses, and in love with other people, and can be too selfish and cautious to make a big life change straight away. They're not necessarily serial cheats, and may well be faithful in their new relationship. I know of situations where married men were not lying that their marriage was over, I know of ones where they were, but later did end it for the OW. I also know of ones where the man did want to run both together, and had no intention of leaving. Its impossible to tell which yours is OP, unless you stick to your ultimatum.
This is true ^
Gilda152 · 29/10/2021 12:58

@5128gap

What you just said is true. And it's true for married men and married women alike.

It doesn't make it any less distasteful, cowardly and gross though.

Sidehustle99 · 29/10/2021 13:01

I know some like this too, but longer term the rot sets in.

Kids work out what parents did no matter how they were protected from it as children. I know several adults and young adults that will have nothing to do with one or both parents now.

Ultimately you can never trust a cheater so years down the line, sometimes decades it has had an impact.

I don't know any that are happily ever after and I can think of many that have stayed together for the kids, moved in with the OW/OM, moved on to new relationships etc.

People either have integrity in relationships or they don't.

5128gap · 29/10/2021 13:14

[quote Gilda152]@5128gap

What you just said is true. And it's true for married men and married women alike.

It doesn't make it any less distasteful, cowardly and gross though.[/quote]
I made no comment on the morality. The OP asked if it ever worked out. People generally tend to gloss over the fact that it can and does in some cases, because they want to believe in some form of natural justice. RL isn't like that and things can work out just fine for people, regardless of whether or not they have behaved badly towards others in the past.