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Original poster

Leaving his wife

297 replies

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 14:04

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

OP posts:
Platax · 28/10/2021 15:38

You fell for the oldest one in the book, namely that "My marriage is all but over" claim. Accept it, learn from it, move on.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 28/10/2021 15:38

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NotresDames · 28/10/2021 15:38

Posters are being unnecessarily harsh IMO.

When someone says their marriage is all but over, it MAY be true.

Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Yes, he was lying.

But cut the OP some slack.

Unless you are perfect yourself in all you do and have ever done.

IknowwhatIneed · 28/10/2021 15:39

He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there

Leaving aside the morality of the situation, you can’t see that even if he did “blow everything up” actually ending a marriage is no quick, easy thing. You honestly expect him to tell her, walk out and leave her to deal with it, support her children etc?

I don’t think he has any intention of leaving her, but the fact you’d want him to do so in such a dishonourable way speaks volumes.

Platax · 28/10/2021 15:39

It just hurts beyond al belief someone you love just really doesn't have those feelings for you

I'm sure it does. Just as it would have hurt his wife beyond belief to know what he was doing with you. Did that bother you?

ravenmum · 28/10/2021 15:40

Just look no further than the current PM who left his wife
"Marina Wheeler, the ex-wife of Boris Johnson, has reportedly said she was the one who ended the couple's 25-year marriage because life with the would-be prime minister had become "impossible"" www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-ex-wife-marina-wheeler-b1859742.html
I believe her!

FreshFancyFrogglette · 28/10/2021 15:40

It's simple, if he wanted u that much he couldve had u ages ago. He chose not to, so whatever happens now, u will always be second choice. If you can live with that then its OK, but if not, then find someone else who really wants to be with u.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 28/10/2021 15:40

Hilarious.
He's got the security of a DW, and also the convenience of an OW who lets him get his rocks off on demand... and you wonder why he doesn't want to sacrifice his foundations and future financial security for you? You've already given him what he wanted - a place to park his penis.

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

Travel11 · 28/10/2021 15:41

I wouldn't trust a married man who cheats on his wife. He is codependent and does not like to be alone. He also has no respect for the person he is cheating with. He should have left if it was as bad as he claims it to be. I hope you find someone who is single and will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:43

All these men just "falling" in to "relationships"

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 28/10/2021 15:43

"told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her"

poor woman

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 15:45

If he can do it to his wife he will most likely do it to you too

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 15:48

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?*

Good phrase. I feel for OP though.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 15:49

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JSL52 · 28/10/2021 15:50

@foolbutwilling

He 'swears on his daughters life he has told the truth'

Urghh I can't believe I ever had feelings for such a psycho

Lying will come as easily as breathing to him, that's what affairs are built on.
NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 28/10/2021 15:51

I doubt he was separating from her in the first place, probably said that to reel you in.
Yes what you've done is wrong, I'm sure you've enough in this thread commenting how terrible affairs are, poor wife etc.
Walk away now with your dignity.

LaurenKelsey · 28/10/2021 15:51

What more did you expect from a lying, cheating man? Did you think you’d be different from all the other OW? You got involved with a man who was still with his wife. Why do women think they can trust a man who is already lying to, cheating on and deceiving his wife?

SoupDragon · 28/10/2021 15:52

Unless you are perfect yourself in all you do and have ever done.

Well, I've managed not to shag a married man. It's not difficult really. Hardly something you do by accident unless he's hidden that fact.

SoupDragon · 28/10/2021 15:53

Why people think Mumsnet is an appropriate place to post things like this is beyond me TBH.

Original poster
foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 15:54

@SoupDragon

Unless you are perfect yourself in all you do and have ever done.

Well, I've managed not to shag a married man. It's not difficult really. Hardly something you do by accident unless he's hidden that fact.

Well done you
OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 28/10/2021 15:57

You're getting the script.

First it's "we're basically just roommates/not having sex/not been a real couple in ages/I'm just waiting for the right time to separate"

Then it's "I can't move out because the kids will be destroyed/she is sick and needs me or mentally unstable and God knows what she would do/Gee I'm ready to move out but I can't find/afford a place"

Oldest trick in the book and you fell for it.

Cut the cord with this one and choose more carefully the next one.

Toottooot · 28/10/2021 15:58

@SoupDragon

Unless you are perfect yourself in all you do and have ever done.

Well, I've managed not to shag a married man. It's not difficult really. Hardly something you do by accident unless he's hidden that fact.

Which he hadn’t - she knew he was married all along. 🤷🏻‍♀️
BobLemon · 28/10/2021 15:59

Leaving is blumin hard, OP. You’ll see plenty of posts on here from people who want to leave but aren’t ready. I don’t mean in the practical sense, but in the emotional one.

I think calling it a day on your relationship is a sensible thing to do… it’ll either prove that his depth of feeling wasn’t what he claimed, and you’ll be able to move on to find someone who does return your feelings. OR it’ll give him the big push to take what is a life changing step.

Or he might end up in a rubbish half-way house of simmering misery and resentment for another year and THEN finally do it! I’ve seen friends need to spend a good chunk of time stewing in misery before finally taking action.

thedancingbear · 28/10/2021 16:00

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JudgementalCactus · 28/10/2021 16:01

Also relevant, there was a thread not long ago asking women who had been cheated on if they were still having sex with the men at the time of the affairs.

Surprise surprise, like 90% of them said they were being intimate as a couple still.

Yet almost all cheating bastards use the line about their marriages being over in everything but the legal sense/living as roommates/etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread