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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving his wife

297 replies

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 14:04

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

OP posts:
Justtheonemorethen24 · 28/10/2021 14:58

He’s a liar and a cheat. Come on, he went away with her for the weekend. You’re being used for sex. I know this is unpopular but you should tell his wife. No one deserves to be in a relationship with someone like him, yourself included. He’s scum!

SirGawain · 28/10/2021 15:01

A man willing to lie to his wife,will have no compunction at all when it comes to lying to his mistress. Lesson learned, onwards and upwards.
^^^ This!!

Chloemol · 28/10/2021 15:01

So I would

  1. Go and tell his wife
2 leave him

In that order

Original poster
foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 15:04

@Toottooot

How long into your ‘relationship’ did you find out he was married or did you know all along the wife was still on the scene?
I knew he was married but was told it was at the end and they were discussing separation
OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/10/2021 15:04

What does swearing on someone's life even mean?

a) the Angel of the Lord will actually come and kill the swearee if the swearer turns out to have been telling porkies;
b) nowt at all, but impresses the gullible.

fitsandgiggles · 28/10/2021 15:04

Part ways, Delete his number, and move on. Find someone who loves you and treats you like you deserve. It's a shit situation but non of us are perfect so we can't judge. I don't think he intends to leave the wife or start a life with you. Lots of red flags and I'd be wary of starting a relationship with him incase once he makes you the wife he finds another OW. Chin up

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/10/2021 15:05

It just hurts beyond al belief someone you love just really doesn't have those feelings for you

Yes, its pretty shit from the wife's point of view too. Add on top of that having to break your children's hearts too.

I sometimes wonder whether my exh would have ever left me for the OW if I hadn't have found out and kicked him out. He probably told her he'd left me for her.

Beefcurtains79 · 28/10/2021 15:07

Half term?

BudrosBudrosGalli · 28/10/2021 15:07

Na, no sympathy.

beautifulview · 28/10/2021 15:09

His wife knows nothing. How long have you been seeing him?

Bluebells34 · 28/10/2021 15:11

Surely it destroyed you on special occassions knowing he was with his family and not you. What was his excuses to wife when seeing you? Working late, working away?

TrufflesAndToast · 28/10/2021 15:13

Do his poor wife a favour and tell her - she needs to protect her sexual health and has the right to know her husband is a cheater. Then walk away and get some serious therapy so you can work out why you entered into this situation in the first place and prevent it ever happening again.

Capferret · 28/10/2021 15:14

Having a secret mistress, daydreaming about you whilst still outwardly being a family man.
These are what makes the affair exciting for him.
Even the word illicit sounds sexy.

He has no intention of a future with you when there's nothing wrong with his marriage.
You're just the extra dollop of cream.

Waahingwashingwashing · 28/10/2021 15:15

Find your self respect and backbone where you have a wishbone and get rid of this loser

Married man lied to get a shag hold the front page

Waahingwashingwashing · 28/10/2021 15:17

I’ll guarantee he hasn’t told his wife shag all pun intended

MarshmallowSwede · 28/10/2021 15:17

I mean this in the nicest possible way… there are billions of men in the world. Many of them totally single.. no girlfriend or wife. Surely you can find one who does not have you as a piece on the side.

He’s never going to leave his wife. And all this nonsense about “he told her he doesn’t love her and wants to leave”… sure he did. Then why is he still there? He’s already proven that he is a liar.

And if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. So even if he does leave, he will probably cheat on you with the next piece on the side. Go find a decent, single man.

I personally hope his wife kicks him out and this scumbag really gets a dose of reality. If you’re smart then you won’t have anything to do with him.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 15:19

@TrufflesAndToast

Do his poor wife a favour and tell her - she needs to protect her sexual health and has the right to know her husband is a cheater. Then walk away and get some serious therapy so you can work out why you entered into this situation in the first place and prevent it ever happening again.
She may know full well after all its her husband many choose to not want to know!

So as OP doesn't know the wife personally I don't think everyone is grateful for being told your husband is cheating.

ShrillSiren · 28/10/2021 15:20

I don't understand why you're surprised. A known liar who is cheating on his wife, then lies to his mistress. It's not exactly a new story is it?
Surely everyone has heard this line before.
I'll never understand why mistresses think that it'll be different this time.
You reap what you sow as far as I'm concerned.

Dullardmullard · 28/10/2021 15:21

Finish it don’t listen when he says but I’ve left but need to do ……it’s lies

KnobblyWand · 28/10/2021 15:21

Oh no, poor you.

Anyway.

Toottooot · 28/10/2021 15:21

I knew he was married but was told it was at the end and they were discussing separation

Zero sympathy for you then. Poor wife. You - nah not at all.

Pugmumm · 28/10/2021 15:22

Leave Op. he will never commit to you, he will never leave her.

Have you tried contacting the wife? I would.

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/10/2021 15:23

I would have liked to have known. I can't go as far as to say I would have been 'grateful', especially if it were the OW who was telling me, but it would have saved me a few months of heartache and meant my kids family didn't break up at Christmas time.

Pugmumm · 28/10/2021 15:24

@tiggerwhocamefortea

It just hurts beyond al belief someone you love just really doesn't have those feelings for you.

Yes...imagine how his wife feels

👏🏻
CaveWoman1 · 28/10/2021 15:26

Married men very seldom leave their wives for the OW. Why on Earth would they? He has a settled life with her & you’re his mistress. He’s happy as a pig in shit