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Original poster

Leaving his wife

297 replies

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 14:04

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 16:02

@BunNcheese

* Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?*

Good phrase. I feel for OP though.

Why?

She's an adult, making her own choices.
I'm sorry she's made a big life mistake, hope she rectifies it, & that she gets help with her self-esteem issue.

But I don't feel for her.
She knew from the outset this man was married.
Once she suspected he's been lying about the marriage & had no intention of leaving it, she actively vied to 'win' him from his wife
At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done.

When that didn't work, & she realised he was bullshitting her, she escalated her Pick-Me Dancing to I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then.

That's not someone who got fooled into believing she was shagging a man whose marriage is "all but over".
It's someone who is actively trying to make a man leave what she now knows is a marriage his wife believes is solid.

Hard to have sympathy with that. Especially given the "oh but it hurts 'cos my man don't luuuurve me" routine, oblivious to the stinking hypocrisy of it. The wife's feelings simply are not on OP's radar.

I hope she gets the help she needs - not just for this man's wife or his marriage - but so that she stops self-destructing with behaviour like this. Because nothing about this man is ever going to make her happy. She needs to find her happiness within herself, before spreading the joy by finding a single man.

Sidehustle99 · 28/10/2021 16:03

How would you ever trust this man? Honestly I think you get what you deserve.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/10/2021 16:04

I don’t think he’s told his wife either. Christmas would be off the cards if she was seeing a solicitor.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 28/10/2021 16:04

@SoupDragon me too - somehow I’ve managed not to shag a married man or fallen into an accidental relationship. Why anyone would want a relationship with someone you know cheats is beyond me. Love is a choice. If you choose to love someone who isn’t totally available then you’ll never be their number 1.

Tillymintpolo · 28/10/2021 16:05

Diddums

Mydogmylife · 28/10/2021 16:06

@foolbutwilling

He 'swears on his daughters life he has told the truth'

Urghh I can't believe I ever had feelings for such a psycho

My two favourite Scottish phrases seem appropriate here

' did he aye'
And

'Aye right!!!'

Waahingwashingwashing · 28/10/2021 16:06

@Mydogmylife I’ll add

And my granny’s a boxer.

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk guidelines.

LittleDandelionClock · 28/10/2021 16:07

@foolbutwilling I am not going to bash or slate you, but also, I don't feel remotely sorry for you, and think you made your own bed.

I can't believe some women still fall for this shit; married men, and the 'my wife doesn't understand me' shite. It's a tale as old as time, and the biggest cliché in the book. And soooo many daft women fall for it.

Men very VERY rarely leave their wives. They have too much invested in them, and a LOT to lose if they leave. And for what? What will they gain if they leave for the 'other woman?' Not as much as they will lose. Just a life with a lot less money, in a grotty flat, with a woman they will get bored with very quickly. Their children hate them, and their extended family and friends shun them.

The life of a mistress whose married man has left his wife turns sour very quickly, when he realises he has made the worst mistake of his life. And that the 'mistress' is no better than his wife. Indeed his wife was much better in many ways. He realises that everything he was looking for was there all along - at home, in his wife, (and his children, and friends, and family he had before he threw it all away for his 'mistress...')

Dump him OP FGS. Stop being a daft mug.

ErickBroch · 28/10/2021 16:09

I don't know what people expect on here Grin OP you deserve it all, sorry. You feel like a fool because you've been one.

Mumoblue · 28/10/2021 16:10

Why would you even want him to leave his wife? Do you really want to date a cheater?

Just dump him and work on your self esteem so you don’t settle for being someone’s side piece.

Bluebells34 · 28/10/2021 16:11

It worked for someone know - had an affair with her best friends husband - right under her nose. They have been married for several years now. It broke our friendship as it was so destructive and awful for the wife - she has never got over it - they live in the same village which is even worse

NotresDames · 28/10/2021 16:11

@SoupDragon

Unless you are perfect yourself in all you do and have ever done.

Well, I've managed not to shag a married man. It's not difficult really. Hardly something you do by accident unless he's hidden that fact.

Well done. The medal for being pompous is yours today @SoupDragon

The OP said she had done wrong. read the first couple of lines.

Some posters here are just horrible .

The pull on their judgy pants then lay into someone who admits she made a mistake

I hope it makes you all feel better to kick someone when they are down.

(hollow laugh)

AdmiralCain · 28/10/2021 16:12

No Judgement from me, These things do happen.
If it was 'The Script' Bingo, fuck me you'd have a full house, he's used every line in the book.
It hurts that he's a liar but chances are he's happily married and regularly has sex with his life.
It's ok, to be human is to err. It's ok to make a big mistake once, learn your lesson and never make it again and it will show you've grown as a person.

RobinsReliant · 28/10/2021 16:13

Who he is choosing to live with day in day out tells you what you need to know.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 16:13

@ChargingBuck because it takes two. I don't like bullies. I notice that on these types of threads there's a certain type of woman that's ready to kick OP and similar down.

She made her choices yes. So what though! The man is often the pursuing party... I known its a hard pill for some to swallow on here but it is true. I often wonder.... if the "Husbands" got held to the same level of accountability for cheating things would be a lot different generally. Reality is though there's TOO much focus on OW. What about the husband here?? I always notice there's never much mention. Mean while the wife has taken his sorry arse back

NotresDames · 28/10/2021 16:14

@foolbutwilling I'd ask for your thread to be taken down.

It NEVER EVER evokes any sympathy on MN to admit to making a mistake and getting involved with a man who is not (yet) divorced or officially separated.

I know you regret this and took him at his word.

It's very easy for anon posters to kick you and say you were an idiot but no one knows that better than you now.

mylovelydd · 28/10/2021 16:16

Man who cheats and lies continues to cheat and lie.

Who would have thought it? Hmm

opalplumstead · 28/10/2021 16:17

What a dick !!!! Get rid, block on everything

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/10/2021 16:17

Like most cheaters, he's told you what you wanted to hear and what would keep him able to shag you.

I doubt he's told his wife a thing and I bet the verge of separation shite would be news to her, poor woman.

It really would be sensible for you to walk away and set your sights higher. You deserve more than to be some sleezy bastard's cheap fuck. You are worth more than that. You deserve to be someone's first choice and their priority. He isn't worth it. He'll find another side shag and hopefully his poor wife will find out what a creep he is.

TurquoiseBaubles · 28/10/2021 16:19

[quote NotresDames]@foolbutwilling I'd ask for your thread to be taken down.

It NEVER EVER evokes any sympathy on MN to admit to making a mistake and getting involved with a man who is not (yet) divorced or officially separated.

I know you regret this and took him at his word.

It's very easy for anon posters to kick you and say you were an idiot but no one knows that better than you now.[/quote]
It wasn't a mistake.

She knew he was married. She made the choice. Her only regret is that he ISN'T leaving his wife. She doesn't regret starting the affair in the first place.

I have zero sympathy for her, just as she has (obviously) zero sympathy for his wife and child.

Original poster
foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 16:19

[quote NotresDames]@foolbutwilling I'd ask for your thread to be taken down.

It NEVER EVER evokes any sympathy on MN to admit to making a mistake and getting involved with a man who is not (yet) divorced or officially separated.

I know you regret this and took him at his word.

It's very easy for anon posters to kick you and say you were an idiot but no one knows that better than you now.[/quote]
I really don't need sympathy
I just wonder if anyone has been in this situation and had it come good, it's strangely reassuring to see the responses that it's all bullshit

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 28/10/2021 16:20

[quote BunNcheese]@ChargingBuck because it takes two. I don't like bullies. I notice that on these types of threads there's a certain type of woman that's ready to kick OP and similar down.

She made her choices yes. So what though! The man is often the pursuing party... I known its a hard pill for some to swallow on here but it is true. I often wonder.... if the "Husbands" got held to the same level of accountability for cheating things would be a lot different generally. Reality is though there's TOO much focus on OW. What about the husband here?? I always notice there's never much mention. Mean while the wife has taken his sorry arse back[/quote]
Certain kind of woman! You mean the kind of women that don't sleep with other women's DP/H's?

FWIW anyone, man or woman would get the same response on here or IRL. No one
Likes a cheater. Nobody likes bullies either. If you don't want opinions it's really simple - don't ask.

LadyLuLou · 28/10/2021 16:21

The pull on their judgy pants then lay into someone who admits she made a mistake

To be fair she didn't suddenly come to the realisation that she's been making a mistake in having an affair with a married man, despite what's been said in the OP. she's pretty much been dumped.

There's no sudden moral epiphany here, just the realisation that he's a liar.

Toottooot · 28/10/2021 16:22

What does ‘had it come good’ mean? As in he leaves his family for you?