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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving his wife

297 replies

foolbutwilling · 28/10/2021 14:04

Yes I'm a terrible person and have no self esteem/should rot in hell for being the OW. Now that's out of the way the man I'm seeing fell into a relationship with me because his marriage was 'all but over' however as the weeks went on he would then be going on a weekend away with his wife 'just to see friends' or talking about his Christmas plans. At the weekend I said look you want me and you told me it was over so leave or we are done. He comes back saying he's blown everything up told his wife he doesn't love her and can't stand being with her- she was apparently seeing a solicitor the next day and he finding someone to stay. Fast forward a few days and he says things are 'strained' but he's still there. I trick him by saying oh how awkward bet you're looking forward to Christmas expecting him to say he won't be there then. His reply 'oh it will be a quiet one etc'
I know I'm a fool and a terrible person but I feel so utterly humiliated

OP posts:
Boudiccasback · 28/10/2021 15:26

He won’t leave her… hes having his cake and eating it. Walk away

ravenmum · 28/10/2021 15:26

Why is he bringing his daughter's name into it? He clearly has no shame.
Once the image has flipped, you can no longer see him as a nice person, can you? Everything becomes clear and you start to realise how many of the other things he said and did were likely to be total rubbish. I remember reading the things my exh wrote to his OW and wondering how on earth she couldn't see that his stories didn't add up. Sometimes she even commented about things I had supposedly said or done, expressing incredulity that I was so weird - I was waiting to see the penny drop that I hadn't done any of it, but obviously ...

When they'd been together more than a year (I didn't know it at the time), I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said first yes, then no. It's a big decision when it comes down to it. He was even reluctant to go after I found out the truth and desperately wanted him to leave.

minimecantrollerskate · 28/10/2021 15:27

Why do OW always believe every word the married man tells them?

of course he isn't going to leave his wife , If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He doesn't. He just wants to shag both of you.

Get a grip, tell him to piss off and find a single bloke.

ThatsNiiice · 28/10/2021 15:28

@foolbutwilling

He 'swears on his daughters life he has told the truth'

Urghh I can't believe I ever had feelings for such a psycho

Do people actually believe that shit?

I swear on so and so's life has about as much clout as a pinky promise. His daughter isnt going to drop down dead when he climbs back into bed with his wife. Grow up a bit

layladomino · 28/10/2021 15:29

You have nothing to gain from hanging around for him.

Aside from the morality of the situation and how unfair this is on his wife and children, he is also lying to you and making you wait around for the crumbs of his affection and for a date - at some undisclosed time in the future - when he may deign to be with you properly (following which, if it ever did happen, you would never know if you could trust him, having seen how easily he lies to his wife).

By walking away you grab back some dignity, you stop him controlling your life, you do the right thing by his wife and children, you can start to move on and find someone who is free to be yours. And if (and it's low possibility I'm afraid) you are the love of his life and he genuinely wanted to leave his wife for you - then it will be the spur he needs to do what he's promised to do and to show you he means it.

I wouldn't hold your breath though. I'd leave him, and move on. Don't stay in the wings waiting for him to come running. Likelihood is he never would, and if he gets a whiff that you are still interested he'll find a way to reel you back in.

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/10/2021 15:29

@ravenmum

Why is he bringing his daughter's name into it? He clearly has no shame. Once the image has flipped, you can no longer see him as a nice person, can you? Everything becomes clear and you start to realise how many of the other things he said and did were likely to be total rubbish. I remember reading the things my exh wrote to his OW and wondering how on earth she couldn't see that his stories didn't add up. Sometimes she even commented about things I had supposedly said or done, expressing incredulity that I was so weird - I was waiting to see the penny drop that I hadn't done any of it, but obviously ...

When they'd been together more than a year (I didn't know it at the time), I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said first yes, then no. It's a big decision when it comes down to it. He was even reluctant to go after I found out the truth and desperately wanted him to leave.

Yes, I also read messages between my exh and the OW and I actually laughed at some of the things he'd said to her. When I spoke to him about it after we separated, he admitted he was just trying to show off to her and impress her. What a twat.
Mix56 · 28/10/2021 15:30

"It just hurts beyond al belief someone you love just really doesn't have those feelings for you"
I imagine that what his wife feels

santabetterwashhishands · 28/10/2021 15:30

He wants his cake and eat it!
If it was so bad being with his wife then he would have left 🤷‍♀️.
You know he's not going to leave her so why not have a bit of self respect and tell him to feck off 🤔.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 28/10/2021 15:30

I'm not even playing the world's tiniest violin for you because you are just gross carrying on like that The only person admittedly viler is that man. Have you never read the anguish and humiliation, which you claim to be feeling, suffered by so, so many posters on here finding infidelity? As above, the man is the worst here, but you are barely better.

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 15:30

Let's put the "terrible person & no self-esteem" schtick on hold for a moment & cut to the chase.

Why are you hung up on a man who "fell" in with you while married to someone else?

What good is it doing you, chasing after a man you have to trick into revealing his lie to you?

How is playing the 'Pick-Me Dance' going to add to your happiness?
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Have a think about those questions.
If the answer is "because I have low self-esteem" - you are fooling yourself. Worse than that, you are lowering yourself into accepting a second-best life of miserable worry which will ... yup, spiral your self-esteem ever further downward.

So if you can't come up with any other answer than "low self-esteem", for your own good, can I urge you to book in with an expert therapist, & get that seen to? Because it's really not a good enough excuse.
And that's not even from the predictable moral standpoint that you are gonna get blasted with on here.
It's from the standpoint of why the fuck are you consciously allowing yourself to shoot yourself & your life chances in the foot?

Your behaviour around this married man is actively reducing your already low sense of self worth, stopping you from working on your issues with expert help, & blocking you from meeting someone single. Someone decent. Someone who doesn't get off on your humiliation as you Pick-Me Dance for his entertainment.

Amandasummers · 28/10/2021 15:31

If you feel humiliated imagine how his wife will feel 🙄

knittingaddict · 28/10/2021 15:32

People who swear on their children's lives are invariably idiots.

I would back off now op. From both the other man and mumsnet. There are very good, sound reasons that OW get a hard time on here. I don't really know what you hoped to achieve.

Tiredofbs123 · 28/10/2021 15:32

You tried to win the ‘prize’ and you failed.

You’ll have a few rough days, it’s nothing on the total shattering that will happen if/when his wife finds out. She will be traumatised and probably then struggle with ptsd type symptoms including anxiety and hyper vigilance.

You started this whole thread with pretty much the most self absorbed commentary about what a ‘terrible person’ you are thinking this would garner sympathy.

I have none for you. Grow up and find a man who’s single.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 15:32

This has got to be a joke thread surely?

Apart from the moral reasons, the reason people say don’t get involved with someone who’s married, still living in the family home etc is because it means he’s still very much in a relationship with his wife and has no plans to leave her.

I’m sorry OP but you have been played.
He isn’t going to leave his wife, why would he when he gets to have a happy family life with her and then have sex with you on the side.
You’ve made it too easy for him.
Next time do not get involved until they have moved out of their wife’s home.

I’m sure he’ll make some excuse up that you’ll believe and he may even get away for a couple hours on Xmas day but I can guarantee you won’t be spending the entire day with him seeing his family and friends etc.

I’d tell him it’s over before he says it to you first. He can contact you when/if he ever does leave his wife.

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 15:34

It just hurts beyond al belief someone you love just really doesn't have those feelings for you.

Sometimes when we are experiencing pain, we can diminish it by thinking of others, who are even worse off.

Should this affair become his wife's knowledge, who do you think will be hurting more about not being loved by this man - you or her?

bogoffmda · 28/10/2021 15:34

Karma.

Grow up - put your big girl pants on and walk away.
He is not a prize - he is an utter shit.
You are not a victim - you knew the score and you walked straight into it.

Chachachawoo · 28/10/2021 15:34

Now you know. Walk away.

gwenneh · 28/10/2021 15:35

Yes. You are a terrible person. Congratulations.

Now stop being one.

NotresDames · 28/10/2021 15:35

Oh out come the cliches!

Creating a vacancy, never leaving the wife.

That's not true.

Just look no further than the current PM who left his wife.

There are plenty of men and women who leave their Hs and Ws and start again and remain faithful.

BUT OP all you can do is cut contact.

I agree you have been duped. You thought his marriage was over. It wasn't. No one should be so hard on you as they are being here.

Just block him and spend time crying or whatever it takes, then start again.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 15:35

You jumped into bed with a married man. You sort of describe a shitty relationship tbh.

It's time to end it and next time, dont get involved with a married man. If the marriage is over the he will have already left. Dont be the person he has sex with before going home and playing happy families. It just makes you cheap

DreamingofTimbuktu · 28/10/2021 15:35

He’s a liar, who manipulates women he claims to care about. But you’ve always known that it’s just now he’s lying to you …

NotresDames · 28/10/2021 15:36

@ImUninsultable

You jumped into bed with a married man. You sort of describe a shitty relationship tbh.

It's time to end it and next time, dont get involved with a married man. If the marriage is over the he will have already left. Dont be the person he has sex with before going home and playing happy families. It just makes you cheap

Charming. Just kick someone when they are down.
ShinyHappyPoster · 28/10/2021 15:36

You don't love him because who he really is, is a coward, a liar and a cheat. The person you think you love, doesn't exist. Call it quits. Block his number and focus on what type of Christmas you want to have.

Herewegoagain84 · 28/10/2021 15:37

It’s laughable you thought a married man having an affair would actually leave? Oldest tale in the book. And no, you don’t hurt anywhere near as much as the hurt you and him have caused his wife.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 28/10/2021 15:37

When I was 17 an elderly lady relative gave me some good advice.

She said 'never go with a man who doesn't have a full stop after the word single.

So no 'i'm single but getting divorced/
i'm single but not over my ex/
i'm single but not really looking for a relationship

This advice stood me in good stead over the years, OP.
Start over and find a man who is single full stop.