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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't cope with husbands moods.

237 replies

Shutupyoutart · 27/10/2021 21:09

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/11/2021 20:49

I think his threat to you that he will be in a mood tomorrow puts to bed ANY suggestion that he can neither control his moods and he doesn't know EXACTLY what he is doing.

At least you know now for sure that the awful atmosphere that he creates and is inflicting on yourself and your children is calculated and deliberate.

I think this knowledge is power.
You have been understandably trying to excuse the inexcusable.

Now you know OP.

Take your time to process what you now know.

user1471442488 · 13/11/2021 21:42

“Don’t expect me to be in a good mood when you get back”

Ugh, what a pathetic child. You don’t want to live like this OP. He’s worthless…

user1471442488 · 13/11/2021 21:43

@billy1966

I think his threat to you that he will be in a mood tomorrow puts to bed ANY suggestion that he can neither control his moods and he doesn't know EXACTLY what he is doing.

At least you know now for sure that the awful atmosphere that he creates and is inflicting on yourself and your children is calculated and deliberate.

I think this knowledge is power.
You have been understandably trying to excuse the inexcusable.

Now you know OP.

Take your time to process what you now know.

Yeah, also this.

He is 100% in control of his moods. He’s making you miserable on purpose.

Finknottlesnewt · 14/11/2021 07:44

Shutupyoutart I hope your night away gave you a little space to recharge. It is so difficult, coping with a depressed partner. Especially when they won't help themselves.

It also really angers me when people in here keep banging the 'abuse' drum. It diminishes actual abuse and also makes me feel that some posters are not listening to you - just keen to advance their own agenda.

Depression is an illness. Especially difficult to cope with if it has been active since childhood. However it is nonetheless an illness like any other . I personally would not leave my marriage because my DH is sick. I have experience of this because my DH has bipolar . He will also not take medication. He wants my attention ALL the time. I still had 3 kids at home at the time and could not be the piggy in the middle. So we physically separated. I moved to my own place with the kids where I could focus on them without the drama of the family home. DH moved to a flat a couple of miles away. I 'commuted' to him 3 nights a week. Where he got my full attention. It did help that my kids were a very mature 20, 17 and 15.

That was 5 years ago and the youngest is at University. The other two having finished. DH now gets a lot more of my attention. Is that something that would work for you. ? The peace at home made the place really lovely without his drama and his MH improved without the stress of children. (He just doesn't have the capacity for kids but to be fair - they weren't his) .

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 08:36

It really angers me when people pretend to be an expert on what abuse is and encourage women to stay with selfish, bullying abusive men, condemning themselves and their children to years of misery.

And it really angers me when people appoint themselves experts on mental illnesses when they have not spoken to the person in question and presumably are not qualified in the subject. They are just keen to advance their own agenda.

Original poster

Shutupyoutart · 14/11/2021 09:47

Thank you for all of your replies I am Reading them all even if I don't reply to everyone. I had a good night with my family cried a lot, talked a lot and slept in a bed by myself all night with no small people in it lol. I feel better but at the same time feel anxious about how he's coping at home and the mood im likely to go back to. I have text this morning but havent heard back yet though he's been online I don't want to ring because I know he will be huffy on the phone. when things are good between us I feel so confused and that maybe I'm imagining things or are being too hard on him,we have a stressful home life and God knows I don't always cope with things the best either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shutupyoutart · 14/11/2021 10:24

You are all right of course the very fact that he was already planning to be in a mood speaks volumes. I feel like I'm going a bit nuts some times and over thinking things but that was clear. I've been really at breaking point this week and I needed him to be understanding and tell me to go have a good time and il manage. Just like a quick message back everythings fine don't worry is all I wanted this morning but no hes ignoring me so going to end up ringing and then he can make me feel shit about being up here.

OP posts:

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 10:47

You have no reason to feel guilty OP, and your best tactic is just to ignore him if he's in a mood. His aim will be to punish you for going and to lessen the chance of you going again.

Just don't engage.

Original poster

Shutupyoutart · 14/11/2021 11:11

@wewereliars thank you.my mum said that too actually she said that if anything was wrong I would know about it and to just enjoy my break while I have one.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 14/11/2021 11:55

i dont understand, its been going on long time, why dont you put a stop to it.
you know what he is doing, he is not a nice person.
also, not good for the children to grow p in such an environment.
i wouldnt stay a minute longer, life is short.

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 12:24

bluebell34567 The OP is likely no different to you.

You are probably not blessed with additional strength, intelligence or resilience.

Where the difference probably lies is that you did not fall in love, make a life and have children with someone who has turned out to be a completely different person to the one he pretended to be when you could have walked away. It is that simple.

Original poster

Shutupyoutart · 14/11/2021 12:38

Bluebell it isn't as simple as just leaving. I have four young children to consider in this, I have to be able to support them emotionally and financially on my own and atm that isn't possible,I am taking steps to improve that situation for myself and my children but I have to do it the right way ,it isnt as simple as just up and leaving,I wish that it was..

OP posts:

kelseypops · 14/11/2021 13:02

@Shutupyoutart

I completely agree with you, it really isn't that simple.

However I have just left my H. I would advise that you don't wait for the right time. The right time will never come. I tried to get myself in a better place emotionally first but it was impossible...because I was living with an abuser/narcissist/complete dickhead. Whatever you want to call it, you cannot get yourself better emotionally when you live with someone like that. I start my counselling next week. I can really hopefully focus on me then.

Financially...no one can answer that. I have no idea what I'll do financially but I'll survive because I have too.

I won't lie, it's tough. I've been gone over 2 weeks now and it's an absolute rollercoaster but I'm not going back.

What I am saying is don't wait for the right time. I waited and waited. Things got worse and worse.

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 13:10

OP,

Many of us absolutely understand that there isn't an instantaneous solution to this.

Oh that there was.

This is a process, and the first stage is to accept that he does actually have control over how he behaves and he does choose to behave the way he does.

Once you accept that, I think it will be easier to detach from him emotionally and to realise what is best for you and your children.

This will take time.

Knowledge is power and you taking back the power in your relationship and home is a very important start.

Confiding in your family is a huge positive step.
Keep posting.
We are here and do understand that this is very difficult for you.

bluebell34567 · 14/11/2021 19:45

@wewereliars

You are probably not blessed with additional strength, intelligence or resilience.

Thats a stupid thing to say.

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 19:48

Why? do you think you ae too clever to end up with an abusive twat?

Because you are not

bluebell34567 · 14/11/2021 19:51

thats stupid, too.

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 20:02

Oh, well you have won the argument with your brilliance. Not

bluebell34567 · 14/11/2021 20:07

you attacked my intelligence, strength, resilience. you dont know me or what i have been through.

what did you expect?

me4real · 14/11/2021 21:59

The OP is likely no different to you. You are probably not blessed with additional strength, intelligence or resilience.

@bluebell34567 PP wasn't attacking your resiliance, she was saying that you probably aren't any different to the OP. People think it won't happen to them but everyone is at risk of experiencing abuse. It happens to boxers, lawyers, therapists, all sorts of women.

me4real · 14/11/2021 22:01

*aren't better than the OP.

Experiencing abuse doesn't say anything about the person's worth or skills etc.

Viviennemary · 14/11/2021 22:06

He is probably stressed out with work. Why don't you get a job and share the financial burden instead of leaving it all to him.

me4real · 14/11/2021 22:18

He is probably stressed out with work. Why don't you get a job and share the financial burden instead of leaving it all to him.

@Viviennemary !!

Viviennemary · 14/11/2021 22:31

Not an iota of sympathy from anybody for this mans depression or mental health difficulties because of stress. He is just expected to get on with it because he is a man.

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 22:52

Too right no sympathy for him.

Threatening his wife with his mood when she returns, for having the temerity to visit her mother with one child and the dog.

Another child has gone on a sleep over and her husband is left with two.

OP looks after 4 full time and also has to deal with a emotionally abusive, moody sex pest who dominates the house and the children with his temper.

Thank goodness she has a kind family despite his best efforts to isolate her.

Her family have the measure of him, they think he is an arse.

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