Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

@Viviennemary I can't believe you're real. He could be as depressed as he wants (though that would be difficult enough for his family, especially as he doesn't get help for his supposed mental illness) but he shouldn't take it out on his wife and others.

He also pesters her for sex in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, which to me is a mortal sin in a man.

People make choices. Why choose to have four children with a moody difficult man. I just don't get it. Now OP is in a corner. She can't leave because she has four children. She can't get a job because the domestic obligations are too much. The DH sounds absolutely miserable with this way of life. Not all the blame for this unhappy state of affairs should be on the man.

@Viviennemary

He is probably stressed out with work. Why don't you get a job and share the financial burden instead of leaving it all to him.

Yeah, because people make choices purely in a vacuum.

Not that I expect any better from you.

And who will pick up the childcare when OP gets a job?it won't be her abusive husband.

Not all the blame for this unhappy state of affairs should be on the man.

It's him that's acting like a tw*t.

@vivienne Mary with all due respect as much as I would love to "just get a job" that isn't an option atm I am a full time carer for my son who has complex needs and have 3 other children aswell. It's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and preach that I shouldn't have had kids with a moody man unfortunately without the aid of a crystal ball I had no idea what my life would become.. and I do not regret my children for one tiny second. I am currently trying to better myself, by starting up a small online business, I have noticed I have slipped into depression myself so am taking steps to change that. I have had sympathy and patience I'm sorry to say it's wearing thin and having an affect on me and our children too or does our mental health not matter? Yes he works hard he knows I appreciate that but he isn't the only one stressed I take on ALL of the emotional load with the kids all of it and I am tired. Yes I chose to have kids with him but he also chose to have them with me and has a responsibility to his family the same as I do and if I am running to my mum's for a break because I am so burntout that have had a complete breakdown on the phone something has to change. Surprising yesterday after me not engaging as someone else reccomended I came home to him in an ok mood.

Usual BS from Viviennemary

OP,
This is not your fault.

There are unfortunately posters who have to victim blame.

Have you spoken to your GP about what you are enduring at home?

Thank you billy. The gp doesn't know much at all only that I am struggling to cope.the problems in my marriage are only half of what's going on with me and I am quite a private person so didn't feel comfortable spilling it all out. I am on a list to see a counsellor but I think I am going to maybe look in to how much it would cost privately. I agree that the atmosphere in the house and wll our troubles are not all down to him but I am trying to do my part to change things yesterday he wasnt moody or abusive I hope it means that he has realized what he has been doing re his moods

He's snuck off back to bed and is now sound asleep didn't tell me or ask if it was ok if he left me with all the kids on my own again.. he had a lay in yesterday and does every weekend when anytime it's my turn which is rare I don't get long because one(or more) of the kids comes to find me. I'm sick of the imbalance in our roles,I know he finds our home overwhelming at times but does he think I don't?! He When he went back to bed y'day I said when is it my turn to have a lay in haven't had one for ages and he said you can go back tomorrow and then this morning he does that.. Ive slept badly all week and last night was no different youngest was up throwing up in the night. So as not to drip feed he sleeps on the couch as I co sleep with our son and youngest daughter who I'm still breastfeeding I know it's not great sleeping on the couch and I get he's prob tired too but I never disturb him in the night and it doesn't matter how tired I am he's always more flipping tired! I'm just so sick of it the other day he came back to me listening to empowering music I felt good for the first time in ages and he goes and sits sulking in the living room saying he has a headache. Yesterday we had sex twice the first time I enthusiastically consented to the second I didn't want to but gave in after some nagging I didn't hate it but I wasn't in the mood and he should have just accepted that the first time shouldn't he without being persistent right? I don't know what I want from this thread I know you all think I should leave and I'm starting to really want to but then I think about it some more and think of good times or that maybe some things I'm making too much of. I just feel fed up this morning And of course tired. Next week he's working ten hour shifts so I'm going to be picking up the slack at home even more I feel so trapped :(

Sorry its long. For background been with husband 12 years , married for four. We have four kids age 11-2 our Ds aged 4 has asd. Husband has always been prone to moodiness and has frequently been described as rude by my family and some of my friends. He Made a lot more effort for first 6/7 years of our relationship. Since we got married I feel more of a disconnect between us as we've been busy with small children ,covid and a lack of intimacy in our marriage. over the last few months I've been questioning everything and have been back and forth about if it's going to work. We had a good talk or so I thought recently about how his moods were affecting family life and how we could both improve and make things better. As I mentioned sex has been an issue for some time rarely finding time to be intimate with each other. He often instigates sex but picks inappropriate moments eg. When I've just come out of the shower and kids are downstairs etc then it has to be a quickie if I agree basically half the time I say no later or sometimes I give in just to keep the peace. He's never forced me to have sex but at the same time it's clear I'm not in the mood so it unsettles me that he does it anyway when he knows I'm not into it yesterday I said no I wasn't in the mood it wasn't the right time etc said it twice and he persisted in a light hearted trying to persuade me kind of way so I gave in and consented but it was clear I wasn't in the mood and it was for his benefit only. He didn't look at me once during this and it's left me just feeling used.. is it me being unclear saying no and then saying ok? It's all muddled in my head.. I don't know what I'm asking really. I kind of put it to the back of my mind tho cos we've been getting on much better lately but then today he's in a mood skulking about for no reason when I say what's the matter with you he just says hes freezing! (Shouting at the kids any time they open the door and let the heat out) he was meant to be helping me with painting the living room today but guess il end up doing it myself as he has one of his faces on. I don't know if I want to do this there has to be more to life than this.ps. this is a new thread I tried to post but using my phone and wouldn't let me pick a topic so copying it here. Hope that's ok and sorry it's so bloody long!

You poor love - I’ve just separated from my DH who was exactly the same, the final straw for me was him using me for sex exactly the way you have described. I know exactly what you mean about were you clear or not and you will have been clear enough that you weren’t up for it but he went ahead and did it anyway; total lack of respect.

Start thinking about getting out of there lovely, you deserve better

@adollopofthisandthat thank you so much. You are right I do feel like he doesn't repsect me. Its like he feels like sex is something thats for him I even said do you not care that Im getting nothing out of this and I need more than five mins that I need romance etc he said of course he does care but when do we ever get the time for that. It's not even just the sex issue it's every thing I just think I am starting to get the ick from him. He's moping around today he had the booster three days ago and now all of a sudden when I want some help he's not feeling well. He's always more tired then me,if I have the flu etc he's worse. His moods dominate the whole house when he's In one of them I'm just fed up with it all. I don't know how to make things better and can honestly see it having to come to us separating. Well done on leaving I'm in awe of your strength. X

Not sure it was strength tbh just I’d had enough and found myself insisting that he moved out. my DH always has to be the most ill as well, and has moods that dominate the whole family, ruin special times and he sulks if he’s not the centre of attention…that and the whining about my lack of affection towards him (when he’d been a complete bastard to the DC and I’d withdrawn emotionally) just ground me down until one day I realised that my feelings for him had just quietly disappeared, like a damp fire going out. Happy to have you join the escape committee if I can help just DM me

@adollopofthisandthat thank you ❤️that's exactly how I feel . He's horrible to DC sometimes too and it makes me hate him. I just feel so lost because do rely on him a lot we've four kids one with special needs I don't work. I am qualified as a Montessori teacher and want to go on to do special needs teaching as well but basically gave up my career to be a sahm. He's got a job interview tommorow for a higher better paid job, and I'm still stuck in this rut basically a wife and mother (don't get me wrong I love my kids but it was never my plan to never do anything for myself ever again) stuck with a man who doesn't respect me and feels entitled to my body and attention while making me feel invisible.

@adollopofthisandthat how did/are your DC coping with the separation?

They really struggled when he first moved out which was so hard to see and know I had caused, but I had to keep reminding myself that it was best for them for the long term. They have just started staying with him in the house he has rented and that has helped a lot - they don’t seem to miss him being in the house with us and have accepted the new arrangements ok…it’s early days and some days it’s not easy (for me) but it is much, much easier than it was when he was here. I think you have family you can rely on, so rely on them and start to plan your escape.

@adollopofthisandthat - your kids struggled, but YOU DIDNT CAUSE IT - HE DID!!

You absolutely didn't cause it you took control of the situation and did what was best for you and your children. I really admire that. My family are wonderful but they aren't short of their own problems and it's not fair for me to burden them with mine. Il have to figure it out I guess.. he's got the hump with me now stomped of because I made a comment about how he's always ill when I need help. I shouldn't have said it but I snapped now he's stomping about making passive agressive comments about how he's not allowed be ill. I told him go to bed if he's not well then and he's like no I'm not sick apparently and stomped off out the house when I rang him he was short with me on the phone he's gone to the shops apparently. Basically just repeated that I was in a huff with him and about him not being allowed to be ill. Then basically hung up on me without saying good bye I'm so sick of it.

When you both talked through about his moodiness and it improved..what helped? Did you both have counselling? Would he agree to that

He won't have counselling ive tried honestly he point blank refuses. His moods just seemed less frequent so I thought perhaps he had heard me and things were better but then having said that right up til xmas and a bit over it he was working all hours and was hardly here and when he was he was more relaxed now work is back to normal and he's off weekends again it's back to how it was. I don't know Im starting to think he just doesn't enjoy family life. He's so short tempered with the kids and I hate it. He's always quick to scold them and not giving them enough praise imo I spoke to him about that aswell and he seemed to listen and it improved for a few days and then it goes back again. I just feel like we're just going round and round In circles. He doesn't think anything is wrong and I feel like he wants me to keep my mouth shut when things bother me. The sex thing has really upset me he's basically said not In so many words that his desire for sex is more important than whether I act enjoy it or not. He's now asleep on the sofa and I'm sat here feeling flat :(

Too many red flags here.

He is moody, does nothing to address this and say that you are 'undermining' him...

A difficult family history is no excuse for treating others poorly.

Have a frank conversation and tell him you are expecting things to change and you want him to seek help (GP, counselling...) about his depression.

If he doesn't then you know what you need to do. Your various messages read like you are trying to find excuses for his behaviour and to even blame yourself for being unhappy. This just isn't right..

I also just read you last message about how he treats your kids. I am sorry but this is not acceptable behaviour at all and will damage your kids. If he is not seeking help, you have to think about yourself and the well being of your kids and leave him.

He often instigates sex but picks inappropriate moments

Maybe I'm looking into this too much, but do you think he deliberately picks moments that are inappropriate because he finds it more thrilling, or it's some kind of power trip over you? It would be quite a sly way of punishing you......wouldn't it? And then getting an extra kick when his show of dominance is rewarded?

Do you think he might be pick inappropriate moments out of sheer ignorance, or he's trying to capture some pre-marriage 'we're just going to do it here and now' type of lust?

He didn't look at me once during this and it's left me just feeling used.. is it me being unclear saying no and then saying ok?

Grim. God, who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want them? Wouldn't that be a turn off for any reasonable person?

it unsettles me that he does it anyway when he knows I'm not into it

I think they penny is seriously dropping - you know this isn't right and I think eventually it will permanently change the view him, if it hasn't done so already.

I just feel like we're just going round and round In circles

Because this is who he really is now OP :(

I regularly tell women this - despite all your tears, anger or protests, threats to leave, he continues because it works for him.

What he's registering is that he has a woman to look after his children at home and to coerce into sex at inappropriate moments. Someone he can punish with his moods and act like man-baby whenever he wants. Often women in these type of relationships aren't exactly shy little flowers - they often assert themselves but it has hardly any affect on their partners.

He probably won't stop because one or all of the following -

You are not someone he's keen to impress
He either thinks he has you in the bag and is arrogantly cocky you won't leave
He doesn't care about you anymore
He genuinely doesn't care if you leave him to he will continue to behave in this way until you finally do

Your suffering might not enough to get him to change OP. Some people continue to step all over other people until something they really want is taken away from them.....and by that time it's often far too late. Their partner just isn't interested in the excuses and the crap any more. They've seen another ugly side to their partner, one that's very difficult or almost impossible to come back from.

Some people seem to genuinely enjoy being miserable and known for being grumpy. They almost wear it as a badge of honour because everyone and everything in life is a nuisance to them and something to look down on. You won't change someone like that easily. It's not even necessarily a mood issue - it's to do with perception of others and the way he thinks.

The sex thing has really upset me he's basically said not In so many words that his desire for sex is more important than whether I act enjoy it or not

You fucking what??????

Nope.

Nope.

Nope!!!!

Dump - if you can manage on your own, your kids might actually enjoy not having him in the house anymore. They can live in a more harmonious environment .