Dating thread 216 ... spooky fun in cuffing season

[BelladiMamma]

Hi everyone

Can someone else please copy and paste the rules as my screenshot is crap 💩

Found you

Thank you @BelladiMamma for starting the new thread and thank you @SpringlikeBunk for the heads up

I'm very happy reading the messages on here, love hearing about everyone's dating adventures and waxing's

I don't think there's a correlation with what you wear, no. I wear high street brands, if that's what you mean. I don't wear Next because it's all too flouncy for me, and I don't wear New Look because it's all too young looking and looks like it would fall apart. But anyway.....I don't wear Dolce and Gabanna.
Currently in unmatching Gap pyjamas.

It's not a thought process. No-one deliberately wants to be attracted to unavailable people. No-one is pleased by partners who don't keep in touch. Hence us all lamenting how the "ones we like" are always crap. And the ones we don't like are all over us like a rash.
My hypothesis is that we like them because of that behaviour (despite our actual conscious preference for the opposite) and we dislike the rash people because of their behaviour (despite saying this is the behaviour we want).

Intellectually we know we need an available and communicative partner. Emotionally, we resist that.

@VanGoghsDog

I don't think there's a correlation with what you wear, no. I wear high street brands, if that's what you mean. I don't wear Next because it's all too flouncy for me, and I don't wear New Look because it's all too young looking and looks like it would fall apart. But anyway.....I don't wear Dolce and Gabanna. Currently in unmatching Gap pyjamas.

It's not a thought process. No-one deliberately wants to be attracted to unavailable people. No-one is pleased by partners who don't keep in touch. Hence us all lamenting how the "ones we like" are always crap. And the ones we don't like are all over us like a rash.
My hypothesis is that we like them because of that behaviour (despite our actual conscious preference for the opposite) and we dislike the rash people because of their behaviour (despite saying this is the behaviour we want).

Intellectually we know we need an available and communicative partner. Emotionally, we resist that.

I'm such an intense and emotional person, plus I love honesty, so no ... that doesn't work for me. But I totally hear you - it's drive me to distraction when someone I fancy just isn't staying in touch. But I've usually lost interest really quickly unless they've told me why they're not being in touch. I'm an over communicator and an over sharer. Well actually in my book there's nothing 'over' about it, it's totally normal 😃. My exh used to chastise me for it and I felt so stifled so maybe I'm just making up for lost time ...

In my book, being open and honest is all about being authentic and normalising where you're at. So I'm prepared to 'be vulnerable/ look like a tit' so that I'm not left ruminating on a load of old cobblers that is probably quite normal and healthy to express.

But that's just me. I've always been like that. Plus I had some fairly major life experiences as a teen and young woman which I think forced me to be even more authentic and myself. Or at least that's what I try to do!

Doesn't mean I'm not scared of commitment, hate feeling emotionally vulnerable or frequently over analyse and question myself ...

I don't like no communication, but I don't like over communication either. One of my irons is just too much. Anywho I think will stop contact with my other irons over the next week. I'm super into the the one I am seeing. We have made plans for the weekend (the whole weekend!) And Id like to see where this goes.

@Dazedandconfused10

I don't like no communication, but I don't like over communication either. One of my irons is just too much. Anywho I think will stop contact with my other irons over the next week. I'm super into the the one I am seeing. We have made plans for the weekend (the whole weekend!) And Id like to see where this goes.

Personally I hate hearing from people I don't fancy 🤪

Have a great weekend 💋

@JustThisLastLittleBit

I agree - I don’t really like “playing hard to get” - I know I’m fairly attractive, I’m not going to build myself up by pretending I’m busy, if someone I like asks if I’m free or messages me I’ll message back honestly and say when I’m free or offer to make space.

I’m attracted to techie slightly geeky guys, in my age range that means they probably have a full-on career to go with it, so they won’t have time to spend organising seduction dates or interpreting mixed coquettish signals !

I guess the only thing with app culture is I do think it’s easy to mistake lots of daily WhatsApp chat messages early on for actual genuine connection or attention!

Same with the guys - I don’t like my own phone blowing up and equally I don’t want someone who needs me to be available on WhatsApp all the time!

I don't think there's a correlation with what you wear, no. I wear high street brands, if that's what you mean. I don't wear Next because it's all too flouncy for me, and I don't wear New Look because it's all too young looking and looks like it would fall apart. But anyway.....I don't wear Dolce and Gabanna.

Socks & Pants from Tesco, used to get suits from Next, buts it’s all really slim cut now, work shirts from TM Lewis or Hawis & Curtis, PJs from Marks. (Might look there for suits now)

Bike 🏍 gear is AGV helmets, A* boots & gloves, Halvarsonn fabric suit, Oxford armoured jeans, & leather jacket

Casual stuff tends to be Animal now with a sprinkling of SuperDry, but not with all the stupid labels

Supermarkets primark eBay and some higher end brands. Love second-hand stuff.

So if I shop like I date, random and weird and cheap and don’t mind sloppy seconds

I love lots of contact or at least regular chats to know I'm being thought of. In fact, what I struggle a bit with is when things end and I don't have any chats on the go anymore and makes me feel a bit lonely even though I have many friends.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I'm with you on the whole apps making one feel less than great about oneself. I was in town last night though and lots of people seem to be out and about so perhaps real life is the way to go.

On a bizarrely separate note, I've had two men tell me about call girls/escorts who have approached them on dating sites. Said men went on several dates with them. Is escort dating now a thing?

@SpringlikeBunk

Arf *@JustAnother0ldMan*

They call the the "zombies" - people we used to date who randomly check in. I've had one recently (we only went for a 45 min coffee) and expect there'll be more as Xmas comes and people get lonely/sentimental.

Ah yes, Zombie, I see. Always liked a good zombie film, 28 days later was cool, Walking Dead started well, but got stupid around serious 5, Fear the Walking dead was too slow, Dawn of the dead good, Shaun of the dead, funny Zombieland terrible.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Try Train to Busan. There’s a sequel which is ok but not as good as the first.

@SpringlikeBunk
Thanks will look that up.

So if I shop like I date, random and weird and cheap and don’t mind sloppy seconds
Hopefully you don’t really mean this…

Liking someone BECAUSE of their bad behaviour which hurts us - like craving high end things like diamonds or designer labels even though they get us in debt - is self-destructive though, isn’t it? (That’s why I made the connection in my head between fashion choices and partner choices, then expressed it incredibly badly.) I believe these behaviours can be unlearned, that’s all. Emotions are there to protect and enhance our lives, not to run the show.

On a bizarrely separate note, I've had two men tell me about call girls/escorts who have approached them on dating sites

Yes have seen on Tinder, also loads of fake accounts the messages you during the night, when you look up the profile it’s been deleted

Haha I love the analogy of dating like you dress. I'm a bit of everything but I like finding a hidden gem (my black leather biker jacket from River Island is one), maybe one day I'll find that hidden gem in my dating too .

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Liking someone BECAUSE of their bad behaviour which hurts us - like craving high end things like diamonds or designer labels even though they get us in debt - is self-destructive though, isn’t it? (That’s why I made the connection in my head between fashion choices and partner choices, then expressed it incredibly badly.) I believe these behaviours can be unlearned, that’s all. Emotions are there to protect and enhance our lives, not to run the show.

In theory they can be unlearned but I've never met anyone who's managed it really.

Even when talking to my counselor about it, she didn't have any practical suggestions on how to change!

@JustAnother0ldMan I think the difference here was these men dated these escorts! And proudly told me so....

Well I guess one only really learns from experience. Put your finger in a flame often enough and you learn not to do it… Wear a tight spangly black jumpsuit out once, read people’s truly horrified expressions, never ever do it again 😂.

Interesting chat about wanting the unavailable types. I don't think I fit into that category because I am much less anxious now that I am seeing someone who is available (but not an over communicator). I spent the whole weekend with him, had a brief text exchange Monday, no contact yesterday and I know he will call me tonight because he said he would. I think about him in between but I’m kind of enjoying the anticipation of infrequent meets and chats at the moment.
My last iron messaged every day at least once but I never knew if we would see each other, he never initiated a meet and I never knew where I stood (nowhere as it turned out!)
I had a date zero with someone the same week as I met Mr L who was all ‘you’re very quiet is everything ok’ when I wasn’t on WhatsApp so that was definitely a bullet dodged!

@Eesha

Don't think men overthink or overanalyse or care about or judge women's motivations and sexual behaviour the way women will - "is she physically attractive and easy company available to meet?" is about as much analysis as they go.

And first couple dates I've found often the tradition is the guy takes on more of the provider role anyway, although you hardly know anything about each other.

I guess if I messaged with my hourly rate for the next date that might raise eyebrows!

@SpringlikeBunk one was proudly telling me he met a woman on Bumble who was 600 a night. He had been on a few dates with her, normal ones but googled her picture as was a bit dubious, then found she was an escort. I was thinking though, 600 a night! Yikes!!!

"My last iron messaged every day at least once but I never knew if we would see each other, he never initiated a meet and I never knew where I stood (nowhere as it turned out!)"

@MayEye

100% this - I got quite carried away with WhatsApp when I first started using it, but it gives more "false positives" than the NHS Test-and-Trace. Like someone can use it lots but not really want to make any real-life time for the person they're messaging?

So I learned to not really pay too much attention to it, and try to wean contacts off using it.

It's even worse "pre-meeting" as so many guys just seem to get incredibly lazy and want to switch to "constant low investment messages and fish for flirty/sexy ones" rather than make effort to meet.

[quote Eesha]@JustAnother0ldMan I think the difference here was these men dated these escorts! And proudly told me so....[/quote]
Anyone can date anyone.

Do you mean they were paying them though?