Dating thread 216 ... spooky fun in cuffing season

[BelladiMamma]

Hi everyone

Can someone else please copy and paste the rules as my screenshot is crap 💩

Is it the "wrong way round" though?

Would we be as keen on those we 'like' if they showed the level of interest the ones we don't like show?

Are we attracted by the unavailability? We know we are. Everyone wants a diamond, noone wants a brick - the rarer something is (i.e. the less it texts) the more we want it. This is human nature.

If the guy you're crushing on suddenly came over all needy, texting all the time etc, you'd get the ick.

It's the whole package we are attracted to - the looks, personality, voice, and their lack of availability.

The whole bad boy charm, my granny told me I’d grow out of at 20. Still waiting 20 years later 🤣

@VanGoghsDog

Is it the "wrong way round" though?

Would we be as keen on those we 'like' if they showed the level of interest the ones we don't like show?

Are we attracted by the unavailability? We know we are. Everyone wants a diamond, noone wants a brick - the rarer something is (i.e. the less it texts) the more we want it. This is human nature.

If the guy you're crushing on suddenly came over all needy, texting all the time etc, you'd get the ick.

It's the whole package we are attracted to - the looks, personality, voice, and their lack of availability.

I sort of agree with you. But also I'm really attracted to warmth and availability (not neediness, granted - that would give me the ick!). If someone is interested and open with me, then I tend to be the same with them. If someone is cold and distant with me, again I tend to mirror them. Same as with colleagues and potential friends, life is too short to chase obviously emotionally unavailable people...it's just finding them out as quickly as possible is the bit I find hard!

@Isitreallyme177 I hope things between you and Mr Cricket resolve soon. Seems like you're in the gooch (halfway mark of hell!). So headfucky. Really seems like you'd be a great partner to him so fingers crossed it works out x

I'm in a horrible tizz as MrBody texted back when I sent him a cute message earlier. So OBVS I couldn't leave it there and drunk texted earlier whilst on an evening out. He predictably ignored the message. People just don't know how to act (I'm people).
Anyone else just want to order an adoring husband ASAP? Dating is too scary.

Hi gang! 🙂❤️

Chatting to a couple of guys on Bumble. One is a head of data science and one's a science technician.

Will call them Mr Data and Mr Tech, respectively.

Oohh- was casually swiping last night and who do I find but... Mr Bookworm! The OW can't have been that good then 😉❤️

...and what a surprise! Mr Casual has made yet another account on Bumble and has joined my beeline. Wish he'd find something else to do. It's getting really boring 🥱🙄❤️

Thanks for the new thread @BelladiMamma

Role call for me is only Mr M. Hes away this week but has been keeping in touch and we're both looking forward to our weekend plans. This is the closest I've come to smitten in 2.5 years of OLD 😱

Morning.

So after last night, I've realised something. Mr Cricket pulls back when I pull back. It isn't just him being hot and cold but I am as well. I pull back because I think I'm bothering him (especially after we've seen each other) and I kind of take him being busy as him not being interested (my spoilt brat side coming out). I've seen him more in 6 months than I've seen other friends whom I've known a lot longer and yet I don't act like a spoilt brat, sulk and question whether they like me when they say they're busy.

Now if some fucker hadn't left the gate to the car park open last night I'd still be asleep. 4 hours sleep, today is going to be long! 😫😴

@MizK I'd like to think he'd be lucky to have me, but if we could skip this bit that would be great. I agree about skipping straight to the adoring husband.🤣

@Isitreallyme177 It sounds like you are concentrating more on how he is responding/conversing with you as a friend rather than anything romantic? Is that what you really want/is that enough for you? That's completely understandable if it's what you are looking for, sometimes plain old male company (rather than romance) is just what we need at times, definitely that's me!

@BelladiMamma brilliant news about the date in the diary. I think you played it really well, keeping your cool, and lo and behold he responded and organised things.

Yes, Mr Italian part 3 was not a texter at all but unless he's going to plan another date with me, there's no real point. I'm fine to suggest dates but if the level of effort is going to be like this, then no point. My gut feeling is he's flaky and is assuming I'm not interested so not bothering. I read on another thread that we deserve someone who has butterflies over us, and vice versa.

@VanGoghsDog I think availability would definitely work for me! My best friend married her online date and I distinctly remember one of the key things early on was her saying how he actually texted back and arranged things. So simple but true!

Here you all are! Thanks for new thread

@Eesha I think sometimes it's easier to take the friend angle then I don't risk getting hurt by baring my soul and letting him in(I did with Computer Geek and that went South pretty quickly). I keep him at a distant and when things seem to be going well, like the other week, I pull back (I'm probably the head fuck). I like spending time with him, I've never clicked with someone so well and we chat for hours when we're together. So there is obviously something there and he obviously likes my company.

I told Computer Geek I liked him after we met and that went the worst way and he ghosted me. So I don't want the same thing to happen here.

Role Call
Apps Zero (and keeping it that way)

Dirty weekend away 1, Ms Wales (looking fwd to that)

WhatsApp messages from and iron so old they are rusty 1, let’s call her Ms Business and the message started “Hi Stranger blah blah blah“, honestly do women just get bored / drunk late at night and start messaging people they used to know

@Isitreallyme177 well maybe you are doing the right thing then and biding your time like @BelladiMamma. I tend to be impatient and always wanting to know where I stand (it's a control thing) but I've heard sometimes the best way is just to let things happen/take its own course which you sound like you are doing.

@Isitreallyme177

Male platonic company can be awesome - I’d just echo others to be wary as MrCricket may well be dipping into the apps, looking to meet new women

and if he meets someone new who he likes, he might then end up chasing/focussing on them a lot? Even if they don’t make much effort.

That might sting a bit so just be wary of overinvestment here.

Checking in! Thanks for the new thread @BelladiMamma 🌼
Roll call from me.. absolute nada! Not been on any apps for about 6 weeks or so and no intention of ever going back on. And perfectly happy and content! Can’t believe how good I feel just chilling on my own.
Am I still allowed to be on the thread?? Hope so! I am so living vicariously through all you bunnies!

@StartingAgain6369

put a post here to follow

Arf @JustAnother0ldMan

They call the the "zombies" - people we used to date who randomly check in. I've had one recently (we only went for a 45 min coffee) and expect there'll be more as Xmas comes and people get lonely/sentimental.

Thanks for the new thread!

Not much of an update really but magnet-man's stepped up effort on his part and we're managing seeing each other once a week. Which is all we can manage at this stage given his routes and my DS. Quite happy with how things seem to be going. I've been quite clear that to continue we do need to keep in touch and so far he hasn't disappointed (yet) but trying to just take it all as it comes...finally! Seems patience pays off! Yay!

Are we attracted by the unavailability? We know we are. Everyone wants a diamond, noone wants a brick - the rarer something is (i.e. the less it texts) the more we want it. This is human nature.

This really resonated with me because i think it plays a huge part in why magnet-man is so attractive to me. It's the whole 'when will we get to see each other excitement' that i find keeps me wanting him. And it's funny that many PP's have said that the longer they go without seeing someone the less feelings they have, for me it's totally the other way around.

@Eesha I love that you think I've been playing it cool. I'm not sure I have as honestly if you saw the transcript of our texts and voice notes we basically pause for breath when he's onstage (but I know more or less when he's offstage and he loves to pick up a message then) and for sleep 🛌. We are very clear on how much we like each other but in a 'god I'm enjoying this' sort of way rather than 'where is this going' kind of a way. I'm so over those cart before horse conversations. Basically if you fancy the pants off each other and enjoy the time you have together, that's the dream isn't it?

@VanGoghsDog I'm another one saying that regular and flirty contact is the type I prefer. BeardFlake certainly went straight back into his usual routine of fantasising about us being together but not prepared to do anything about it. It's been quite good having that moment with him because I could see how his messages were pushing my buttons to believe in him but actually he's not looking for a relationship. Of course now he can blame me 'the one that got away' that he's put on a pedestal but that's only really useful to him and no one else. Physically I still find him attractive but I've put him in the Bumble box. They were all totally hopeless from Bumble ... 🤦🏻‍♀️ I attracted all the dreamers and flakes. Great to chat to but nothing concrete! At least with Feeld you know where you are pretty quickly ime

@Shayelle2009 6 weeks off the apps! That's great. We need your wisdom so don't go anywhere 😊

@Isitreallyme177 I slept really badly too, never a great start to the day. Especially when I have to get something cogent together for this client. Who's expecting work from me and for me to accept that she'll only pay half my invoice. Grr 😠

Hiii everyone else

@VanGoghsDog the one area that resonated with me is that fundamentally he's unavailable because when he's not working here he lives at the other end of the country. And that makes me feel safe ... but it's another part of the country I have family in so not entirely unrealistic should we wish to take things further after his show finishes ...

@Naimee87

Thanks for the new thread!

Not much of an update really but magnet-man's stepped up effort on his part and we're managing seeing each other once a week. Which is all we can manage at this stage given his routes and my DS. Quite happy with how things seem to be going. I've been quite clear that to continue we do need to keep in touch and so far he hasn't disappointed (yet) but trying to just take it all as it comes...finally! Seems patience pays off! Yay!

Are we attracted by the unavailability? We know we are. Everyone wants a diamond, noone wants a brick - the rarer something is (i.e. the less it texts) the more we want it. This is human nature.

This really resonated with me because i think it plays a huge part in why magnet-man is so attractive to me. It's the whole 'when will we get to see each other excitement' that i find keeps me wanting him. And it's funny that many PP's have said that the longer they go without seeing someone the less feelings they have, for me it's totally the other way around.

Yay pleased to hear that things have settled into more of a routine with MMan. That's great, you get your adult time and it doesn't interfere with your home life ❤️

@JustAnother0ldMan

Role Call Apps Zero (and keeping it that way)

Dirty weekend away 1, Ms Wales (looking fwd to that)

WhatsApp messages from and iron so old they are rusty 1, let’s call her Ms Business and the message started “Hi Stranger blah blah blah“, honestly do women just get bored / drunk late at night and start messaging people they used to know

A lot of humans do that late night out of nowhere texting and like, they shall be named, the zombies 🧟

Nice one @Naimee87 !

It's interesting all the talk of "unavailability".

I'd also add to that debate that maybe people's perceptions of "unavailability" or "coldness" can vary a lot?

With the WhatsApp culture, I guess the trend now is to dismiss people as "not interested" if they don't message daily or frequently with flirty chitchat.

Yet I know on my part, I've got colleagues and friends who do have my best interests at heart and value and like me who just don't do that?

I've been in phone contact with a few friends in my previous city and tbh over message and phone they are REALLY NOT GOOD. So if this was my initial contact I'd think they just weren't that into me.

But from knowing them in person, I also know the evidence is they would and have genuinely taken time and resources to help me out and emotionally support me.

And on the "shit boring" things like helping me move, or going for a 2pm walk in a park when my MH is playing up and listening to me being anxious, not just "wanting to turn up cause I look good".

Sounding like a cynical old person here, but isn't the social media trend to have loads of "so-called" friends who like looking at your IG and making flattering comments on there, but wouldn't go out of their way to do anything for these people they "like" online?

I got a very helpful charming e-mail from a senior colleague yesterday who I initially would have described as "terse". This info will improve my life a lot.

MrHedgehog isn't a daily messager and neither am I, and I'm not expecting contact any time soon (I'm worked out) which is fine.

‘Are we attracted by the unavailability? We know we are. Everyone wants a diamond, noone wants a brick - the rarer something is (i.e. the less it texts) the more we want it. This is human nature.’

You see, I just don’t understand this thinking AT ALL. To me, steadfastness, determination, good manners, clarity, simplicity are key. I’m just not attracted to people whose cards are not on the table, it makes no sense to want someone who doesn’t want you back. But then I’m also happy to dress in Next, New Look and (occasionally) M&S. Is there a correlation perhaps?