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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
StuckInPollyannaMode · 03/03/2022 09:47

Well, his reply is in. It’s an epic rant. Which reminds me once again why I’m divorcing him.

It contains such gems as

I was very sad and disappointed to read this email, which sounds heavily influenced with legalese and indicates to me that you’re a step away from trying to limit how much I see our children.

I really thought we’d moved to a much more positive and collaborative way of co-parenting. Indeed, in conversation with a couple of people recently, I’d spoken very positively about you and how we were working together and that the lengthy session we’d had in this house a few weeks ago was really positive. I remain totally shattered by what you decided to do in summer 2020, but I felt that at the very least we had both found a way to be very supportive of each other and collaborative in our sharing of parental duties.

So, I also reflect on the fact that I’ve supported you at speed to release funds for hopefully your house purchase, I took up the reins when you were very poorly two weeks ago, and I’m about to be full-time for over a week while you go on holiday – I cannot afford a personal holiday, nor the time, the time for me is solely to have with our children.

It goes on to reference how supportive MY parents have been of him. And then he just lobs this in

Now, I know this statement is provocative, but let me be clear. I also know this is a situation you would not have encountered and would deliberately have avoided. I listen to the girls telling me what they do when they are with you, and I realise that the truth is they spin from one play date to another. So, I suspect if you had been in the restaurant, you’d have been with another family, because you wouldn’t have done a solo trip like I did, and regularly do with them. You would have had DD1 and DD2 sat with at least two other children, and you’d have had at least one other adult there too. That is your choice. I don’t have the social circle, and I also choose to parent and have experiences with our children on my own. But it exposes me to having to deal with these constant difficult scenarios.

All that said, I would like to draw a line under this. I distinctly don’t need parenting courses etc., others who have seen me in action, and I have spoken to, can categorically confirm that I do an amazing job in what is (for both of us) single parenting.

He continues, but frankly, I think you’ve got the gist.

I’m signing up to the freedom program right now.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 03/03/2022 09:51

Did we honestly expect any different from him?

He is never going to agree with you on anything. Grey rock is the only way to go unless discussing practical issues about the Dollies like school holidays, party invites etc

Newestname002 · 03/03/2022 10:10

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I don’t have the social circle,

Well, there's a surprise!!

Also WHAT a crock!! Him, not you.

If you are in ANY doubt of what the true situation is, go back to your very earliest posts to see what you are escaping from.

Twat! (Again - him and not you). 🌹

BluerThanRobinsEggs · 03/03/2022 10:14

I read somewhere on here that the best position to get to with a shitty ex was when they sent you an email like the one Geller just sent, that your first and only response was "ha ha lol" and then you moved on with your day. That should be a haha lol email, because it's just wanky bollock word salad. The only reason he's alone with the girls is because he hasn't managed to lock wife#4 in the cellar yet. Once she's on the scene he'll never be alone with them ever again! And like he'd know what collaborative and supportive was if it hit him on the arse. If he's so wonderful, why are you divorcing him?

Newestname002 · 03/03/2022 10:38

@BluerThanRobinsEggs

If he's so wonderful, why are you divorcing him?

If he had any self-awareness he'd be asking himself the same thing. Instead... 🌹

RandomMess · 03/03/2022 10:46

I think my grey rock response would be something along the lines of

Co-parenting is not your ex listening to you moan and whine about how difficult they find parenting and how awful they think their DC behaviour is.

pointythings · 03/03/2022 11:01

Well, if he wants play dates and a social circle to help him with his non-parenting, he should put some effort into arranging play dates and a social circle. Because it's normal to have those things.

And let's face it, when it's just you and the Dollies, it isn't a problem - because you are a good parent.

I agree with doing the Freedom programme, you deserve the validation it will give you.

Honeypickle · 03/03/2022 11:02

Oh I bet your blood is BOILING just reading that. Try not to respond though, he’ll be itching for you to argue back.
I think you are doing brilliantly btw. Keep on keeping on.

comfortablyfrumpy · 03/03/2022 11:44

@RandomMess

I think my grey rock response would be something along the lines of

Co-parenting is not your ex listening to you moan and whine about how difficult they find parenting and how awful they think their DC behaviour is.

^^ I think that's a brilliant response.

Polly, you must be seething.

Will he ever realise why he is on divorce no. 3?

RandomMess · 03/03/2022 11:55

He is bonkers - the Dollies together with him eating out doesn't work, so why keep doing it?????

🤦🏼‍♀️

LaChanticleer · 03/03/2022 12:35

Polly I haven't been married to this pillock for almost a decade, but reading that email made even me - a total stranger on the internet - feel a bit sick.

Is it possible just to ignore it, as if he'd never sent it?

LaChanticleer · 03/03/2022 12:39

Trying to analyse my response - he's close to abusive in his attitude towards his own daughters.

It must be hugely upsetting - I hope you have a good friend you can cry & rage with.

comfortablyfrumpy · 03/03/2022 12:42

Polly, do you have a teeny teeny tiny violin to hand?

The more I read that what he's written, the more incensed I am on your behalf. So you should never have a holiday, or go out with friends.

He is an arse. But you know that!

gungemonster · 03/03/2022 13:34

Delurking and I've NC a few times but quite honestly a grown-ass man should be able to take 2 8yo out for a meal, manage their behaviour and have realistic expectations. The fact that he can't cope with heir behaviour is down to him and him alone.

As for the fact he's Billy no mates - tough shit sweetheart, stop being a twat and you might get some!

Glad you got the car sorted. I can't decide either. Hybrids are only good for high mileage. Plug in hybrids only give you 30 miles max of electric before they switch to petrol. In both cases you've got 2 engines to manage and maintain. Unfortunately I don't think there is a kick-ass SUV that is full electric yet.
DPs have just bought one that does 300 miles to a charge and costs £1.40 for 100 miles based on charging at home

ShowMeTheSugar · 03/03/2022 13:43

I'm not sure it warrants a response but I'd be inclined to ignore most of his guff Grin

"thanks, your response has been noted. Please do explore your alternate parenting approach and options. Co-parenting successfully is the goal here so it would be best you unload your personal and relationship frustrations elsewhere."

StuckInPollyannaMode · 03/03/2022 14:08

I've replied. I don't want this hanging over me for the whole weekend, sucking my energy up.

I said:

"You have got the wrong end of the stick. I was not threatening to reduce your time with the children. I was trying to help improve it and address some of the points raised in your messages. I am not interested in mud-slinging or criticising the way we both choose to parent independently.

Contrary to what you seem to believe, co-parenting is not your ex listening to you moan and whine about how difficult they find parenting and how awful they think their children’s behaviour is. Obviously if there are significant important issues we need to discuss them.

Thank you for your dinner invitation, I think it best on this occasion to just come and do parents evening and we will find another date to talk about the other issues."

I can't be bothered. I've got other things to worry about. I've come out of the crying and anger stage. It's just exhausting.

I'm going to see Death on the Nile tonight, might get some ideas...

OP posts:
pointythings · 03/03/2022 14:54

He'll probably spontaneously combust reading that but honestly, does that matter? Sometimes you just have to give it to them straight.

I'm not sure he is worth a trip to Egypt in terms of arranging his unexpected demise.

LaChanticleer · 03/03/2022 15:19
Flowers
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/03/2022 15:36

I'm not sure he is worth a trip to Egypt in terms of arranging his unexpected demise.

Wasn't there a film called death on the Thames?!! 🙄🙄🙄

RandomMess · 03/03/2022 15:42

I think it was a good response brief and to the point considering what he sent you.

Perhaps respond to the whining ones "stop whining or are you asking to reduce contact because you can't cope"? Then after a few of those go back to ignoring.

It sounds very much like he likes dining out and can't grasp that it's pretty boring for 8 year olds.

REignbow · 03/03/2022 16:37

My god. What an arse.

Trying to shame you for having interests outside your DD’s. Telling you that your family support him and not you. And then implying that you don’t have the same issues with them, because they go on play dates and you go to restaurants with other families… 🙄

In translation, he’s probably taking them to places that no eight year old would like to eat. He has no friends to help entertain them and probably does not want to spend money on holidays!

The worst part about his message, was about him helping you with your house purchase! No buster, you didn’t help, you merely took what was owed (considering he bought his new home immediately after the house sale and took your car).

Your response was good. Hopefully, he will be reluctant to send moaning messages about the DD’s for a while at least.

Also, hell would freeze over before I went for a family meal. Anything that needs to be discussed, should be via email.

LadyDanburysHat · 03/03/2022 16:37

I was particularly taken by how shattered he is by your decision, that was obviously in no part anything to do with him.

I think your reply was great.

comfortablyfrumpy · 03/03/2022 16:50

Perfect response, Polly!

He really is gold standard knob.

I wonder what tripe he'll come back with!

Mix56 · 03/03/2022 17:02

God he loves a waffle, he really must be tiresome in the work place, people must scatter like mice when they see him coming blathering endless
I'm surprised you even blink, you must be used to it..
Poor diddums...

StuckInPollyannaMode · 03/03/2022 17:29

You guys wouldn’t believe it, but his email was at least 4 times longer than the messages I shared with you all.

I am bloodied but unbowed; I’ve taken my hand out of the Celebrations box, am roasting some veg in the oven to make a salad for supper and I’ve just done a workout. I’m not prepared to waste any more energy on him today. And thank you all for your contributions to my response.

OP posts:
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