The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

Honestly what I love about this thread;

1. Loads of support for Polly
2. Not totally random but very interesting side excursions.....when we get as far as a new car I'm debating ev or not or hybrid...

Perhaps go for the boy racer semi hybrid 🤣 for some reason DH loved the Suzuki swift when I was considering the vitara

Loving the car discussion! It’s sorted now, courtesy of complete overwhelm.

I ended up throwing my toys out of my pram last week. I’ve just had a big legal bill, I was missing the girls, guess who managed to give Westley Covid so he had to postpone his business trip, the heating failed, work was nuts and my dad kept on and ON about the bloody car. I CANNOT make a significant investment in a car right now. I don’t have the funds and I literally cannot make a decision, I’ve too much else on my plate and I don’t want to tie myself into a financial arrangement if I don’t even know which car I want (and yes, I have considered buying another Land Rover - and that’s the real problem, that’s the one I want but can’t afford)

In a nutshell, Westley is changing his car in August, I’m going to buy his off him. In the meantime to bridge the gap I am going to borrow a friends car. That means I don’t have to make a decision, I don’t have to deal with snakey car salesmen, I don’t have to overcommit financially.

Geller is being a complete fuckwit about the girls. I am about to fire a warning shot about reducing his contact with them. All I get are long rambling messages about their bad behaviour. On Monday I ended up in tears for much of the day, it’s like the Dollies and I are trapped in this abusive hell for eternity and can’t be rid of him. He has learned nothing in the past two years. Here’s a sample of the messages:

‘It’s been a very challenging period. DD1’s behaviour is erratic. I can’t honestly say it’s been enjoyable. I’d call it managing to keep us all moving forwards.’

‘I’d challenge any parent to handle this. It’s the drip drip drip nature of it. DD2 is fine. They’ve wound each other up a bit. It’s the emotional insecurity and resilience issue. We had late lunch on Thursday, she said the fish was sweet, it wasn’t. So she sat there with her coat on and hood up, in a beautiful restaurant. But it’s the constant mood swings.’

‘There’s no point you raising it with her as she’ll have forgotten it. It’s like phases of a game. You and I need to talk. That’s the conversation that needs to happen.‘

To be clear, I’m not interacting with him on these. And then this, which tipped me over the edge on Monday morning.

‘I’m afraid this morning has been disgraceful. All fine until they got dressed. There was a fight over a tie and then general bad behaviour. DD1 then complained her new shoe laces are too short. They aren’t. I’m sorry to say their behaviour is terrible. I’m very cross with them. DD1 then fell over on the way to school. Fragile is an under statement for her.

I have a very busy and difficult day now. But, especially with DD1, we’re bordering on a big issue.’

He clearly can’t cope with longer periods of time with them, I’m desperately worried he’s damaging them and DD1 will go backwards.

I spoke to school yesterday for advice as they were so good last time and the pastoral lead is going to do 3 sessions with them. But the longer term issue is that he needs to step up and parent. Half this stuff is normal children pushing boundaries things. The rest is his perfectionism and obsessive ridiculousness. They’re not even 9 yet.

I am so, so tired and upset.

I really really really want to hurt him on your behalf. And I'm not a violent person.

Jesus wept, how on Earth is he going to cope with the teenage years

Just about to say the same as @2DogsOnMySofa about the teenage years

My daughter became hormonal around 9 and by 11/12 she was horrendous but we got through with lots of boundaries, talking, fun and chocolate.

By 16 she had calmed down a lot, she is now 19 but has her moments, she's coming back from Uni for a week today, it will be good to see her (which I won't say if she has a strop😂)

What is Gellers true issue? Is he trying to deliberately sabotage his relationship with him or is it genuinely his way or the high way?

How was he with his other daughter when she was growing up? You mentioned seeing her recently so it sounds like you have a good relationship with her.

Your daughters only have you to protect them, they don't know he is starting to abuse them too. Do they talk about thimgs that hsppened at Gellers when they come home from his?

A friend has an ex a bit like Gellar and they have now started refusing to see him at age 12/13 so at least there's that to look forward to. But I would send your shot across the bows. He needs to learn to parent the children he has not some mythical kids that don't exist. It's weird how we somehow expect everyone to have the same emotional maturity at the same age, when we know full well how every person let alone child is different (mine huffed this morning because they couldn't get the Warburton's open for their toast!) but this is on him not them. So I would make it clear it's his parenting that needs to change when you send a message. You know they are good kids and he's being a knob. Glad school are being helpful.

Delurking again here.

I may have said this before. Physically exiting an abusive relationship is not the end of the dynamic automatically. Abusers attempt to continue it (consciously or not). DC are one opportunity. Neither do bad fathers suddenly turn into good ones, or behave less selfishly. If you’ve not done the Freedom Programme it’s well worth doing, and if you have worth looking at again. You can do it online. Finding a way to disengage and get him out of your head will not only help you , but give you the space to think through what’s best for the dollies.

He doesn't enjoy being a father, formerly you took over when things were challenging.
What about a message saying:
"What are actually saying ? They are too much trouble for you ?"

I agree @SortingItOut my dd really ramped you the hormonal attitude around 11 years old and for the subsequent couple of years it was a nightmare. She's now 14 and definitely calmed down. She has her moments but nothing on the scale between 11 and 13

@Mix56

He doesn't enjoy being a father, formerly you took over when things were challenging. What about a message saying: "What are actually saying ? They are too much trouble for you ?"

Sorry things are so difficult.

Sending the above text is a good idea.

The twat has no self awareness so asking him directly is best.

I would also add on something like

"I find the girls behaviour manageable and very much similar to their peer group. Perhaps you need to do some parenting classes"

I think I'd merge the two text messages

'What is it you are saying? Are they too much for you?'

If he comes back with a yes you could offer to reduce his contact, or suggest he takes some parenting courses so he knows the behaviour is normal and how to parent them. Or you could suggest both, a reduction in contact and parenting classes.

If he starts to waffle then I'd respond with 'I've offered you suggestions, you're just complaining to me now, please stop'

Gellar likes words doesn't he? Lots and lots of words and lots and lots of waffling, about fuck all. I'm so sorry you still have to deal with him. I think maybe less contact with the girls might be a good thing as he clearly has no idea how to parent or cope.

Re. The large legal bill, is there any way that you can get Gellar to pay this, as I'm assuming the reason it's so large is due to all his shenanigans?

I'm glad that you have sorted the car issue for now. Interesting that it's a friend and boyfriend that have helped out rather than your family or Gellar. You could try and get more money out of shit for brains for the car, after all you need something safe and reliable to ferry his DC around.

He still sees you as his friend, mentor, sounding board and problem solver.

Like him dating - this is why you need to shut him down and be far more abrupt and start telling him that it is completely inappropriate for him to be telling you his every thought on everything.

Frankly I think he need telling straight.

"Please stop burdening me with your inabilities to parent. I do not care about how challenging you find it, or how cross or tired you are, or how you feel about it. I care about the children and their well-being only, please do not narrate your difficulties or provide a blow by blow account of all your parental interactions."

And a few PP suggested points about if he can't cope and how their behaviour is normal for children of their age.

I think it's a combination of expecting you to fix his parenting issues as you always did in the past and just plain old trying to make you feel horrible.

I wouldn't say anything that included the phrase 'I don't care'. But I would let him know that (my suggested verbiage) "Their behaviour is age appropriate, especially in this situation. I have no similar problems in parenting our DDs. The fact that you do indicates that you are ineffectually parenting and would benefit from parenting classes". I might include "I have referred your comments about your daughters to my solicitor". Let him draw any inferences himself.

At some point you're going to have to tell him to 'STFU and deal with it'. But I don't think right now is the right time. IMHO he's providing you with ammo if you need it for child access arrangements. I know it's upsetting, but remember slowly slowly catchee monkey.

I second keeping very calm and telling him that their behaviour is age and situation appropriate and that he should consider a parenting course if he finds it difficult. Definitely suggest that you are not having any problems and that you have received positive feedback from school.

But I know you must be fuming, I do know how it feels. My late husband was similar by the end, to hear him talk you'd have thought the DDs were out everynight drinking, doing drugs, getting pregnant, mugging old ladies and failing school. The real problem? They occasionally said 'Fuck'. (they were teenagers by this point).

www.amazon.co.uk/Revenge-Voodoo-Doll-Novelty-Present/dp/B003RTGM3K/ref=sr_1_5?crid=263ZIJ4QWNK20&keywords=voodoo+doll&sprefix=voodoo+d%2Caps%2C444&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1646245798&sr=8-5

I think it's time for you to get one of these. You'd be surprised at the stress release they can provide. My BFF actually had one during her drawn out and ugly divorce and we had great fun sticking pins in it and making suggestions about boils, social diseases, and various tropical scourges. Once the divorce was final we actually cracked a bottle of champagne and ceremoniously burned it in her fireplace. Silly of us, but you have to find a way to release the tension and it's better than kicking the dog. Not that any of us would kick a dog IRL of course.

He was still just as much of an asshole after the divorce , but at least she didn't have to 'play nice' so he wouldn't stall the divorce or mess her about with legal forms. She could then let him have it with both barrels if he pissed her off. Which he did frequently.

I thinkbthere are some splendid suggestions for ways to shut Gellar down. But on the other hand, as someone rose said, he is giving you plenty ammo.

He really isn't going to cope as they get older, is he.

Good news on the car front, Westley is definitely a keeper .

It really does depend on whether you want to change contact and whether that it is before the divorce is finalised.

If you do then perhaps more of a

"You constantly complain about the Dollies behaviour (which is typical for their age) and your inability to cope. Is this your way of agreeing that the current contact needs to change?"

He is still drawing you in (and down). Parenting is just an excuse.

I agree! Direct him to parenting courses - perhaps he will find a mentor to off-load to and lose this expectation that you will deal with it all for him (and sympathise and sooth him).

Can you manage not to read his messages?
At least - don't ever respond as if you have read them.
(I know that you had a resolution only to respond to things that were essential - stick to it!)

@RandomMess

It really does depend on whether you want to change contact and whether that it is before the divorce is finalised.

If you do then perhaps more of a

"You constantly complain about the Dollies behaviour (which is typical for their age) and your inability to cope. Is this your way of agreeing that the current contact needs to change?"

Definitely this - think about what outcome you actually want in terms of the split of dollies time, then work towards that. If you want more than 50/50 - this is all ammunition that you need to save. If you are happy with 50/50 just ignore or tell him to stop contacting you.

Half this stuff is normal children pushing boundaries things. The rest is his perfectionism and obsessive ridiculousness. They’re not even 9 yet.

Gosh Polly I’m not a parent - just a totally doting aunt - and even I know that what he’s complaining about and seeing as major character flaws - in his daughters - is totally normal. And that as an adult you deal with it.

The way he is blaming and pathologising his own daughters is shocking. He really needs to do some parenting courses.

Every time he complains you should say to him if you are struggling to be a parent perhaps you might like to book yourself on a parenting course.