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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 28/10/2021 09:13

Go Polly! We need a "pom poms" emoji don't we Grin

pointythings · 28/10/2021 09:24

Have a fabulous weekend away with the new man - you deserve it.

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/10/2021 09:41

Polly he sounds divine, felicitations Wine

As to your mum she is super manipulative and is totally trying to do something nice having been utterly horrible. The dresses are fab but yours in any case and frankly I would be telling her you’d like your ring back now.

Hope you’re having a lovely half term Flowers

FantasticButtocks · 28/10/2021 14:10

I wouldn't mention the ring, because once she knows you're craving it... she'll hang on to it until the day she dies.
If she thinks you want money for the house, she might give you the ring anyway as a way of seeming generous when she's been mean in not making good her offer of help/money. A way of making you have to be grateful even though she won't help you. The Parisian dresses come under that category I think. Giving you something that's actually really yours anyway.

mbosnz · 28/10/2021 14:43

Have a fabulous weekend!

Re the ring - I found the only way I could tolerate my mother's somewhat spiteful ways with reference to inheritance - was to completely cut off any care about it. Or at least not let her know I cared.

Your mother and my mother would get on very well. Hence, Gin and Wine!

Twizique · 28/10/2021 18:20

Perhaps you should keep asking for ever larger amounts of money - see what else comes your way out of guilt!

Cuntness · 28/10/2021 18:26

Yeah, but how's the sex?

Justilou1 · 29/10/2021 04:59

Oh Darling, I’m so happy for you re the man. I genuinely think you need to confront your mother about the ring. In public. Something as simple as “Mum, I think it’s time you handed over the ring Gran left me, too. I’m old enough and mature enough to look after it, and now Geller’s out of the picture, there’s no danger of him getting his mitts on it.”

StuckInPollyannaMode · 29/10/2021 17:00

Love the direct approach @Cuntness [grins]

Extremely pleasurable, thank you very much - we're enjoying getting to know each other - he knows what he's doing and we're having fun!

I tell you something interesting. As you all know, I'm a lot of bit of an insomniac. I sleep when I'm curled up with him. Even when I wake up for a bit, I manage to drop back off again. This morning I slept til 8.15am. It's a miracle.

Tonight I have bowed out of a girls night. I need some time on my own and off the booze. I have a supermarket curry, and a choice of Outlander or Grace and Frankie to watch. I'm going to drink tea and do my nails and have an early night, then pack in the morning.

OP posts:
StuckInPollyannaMode · 29/10/2021 17:01

@Justilou1 quickest way for me to be disinherited is to air our dirty linen in public!! Good lord, woman!

OP posts:
Cuntness · 29/10/2021 17:18

"Bluntness" was taken Wink

I'm really glad it's going well. I've been following from the beginning and I'm rooting for you!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/10/2021 20:10

Oh gosh I have caught up and cant believe hes still dragging this out! What a tool. Also sorry to read about the brainwashed friends, i've seen this happen before, won't you think of the poor poor man having to have his kids at Christmas O_o

SpringCrocus · 29/10/2021 23:55

Hope you chose Outlander
#teamJaime

SpringCrocus · 30/10/2021 00:47

Oh ffs autocorrect
#teamJamie

billy1966 · 30/10/2021 09:23

I'm so sorry your parents are such a disappointment but you are doing so well.

Really heartening to read you have professional plans to hit Geller.
Well done.

Keep going.Flowers

Justilou1 · 30/10/2021 12:47

I actually came back to say, “Ummm.. yeah. Ignore me. I WAS virtually disinherited.” *Worth it

Hayup · 30/10/2021 21:46

Hi Polly,

Very long time lurker but I wanted to send you a cheer and a hug from the back benches.

Sometimes the only way to deal with parents is to gradually distance yourself whilst accepting that they fallible. Over the last few years I've come to realise that mine are flawed (as am I) but that I don't have to tolerate them. Like you my DDad is easier to manage than DMum but it is easier to not engage than to get bogged down wondering why DSis is the golden child.

drspouse · 30/10/2021 22:09

Ooh here you are!

DeireadhFomhair · 30/10/2021 22:27

New man sounds delightful, enjoy your weekendSmile
As for your DM - what can be said? I'm sorry it's so shit!

comfortablyfrumpy · 01/11/2021 20:42

How was your weekend @StuckInPollyannaMode?

ChristmasPlanning · 01/11/2021 22:16

I've read all your threads in 2 days.

Joining the cheering squad!

StuckInPollyannaMode · 02/11/2021 06:43

Oh, the weekend was looooovely. Very chilled and lots of laughter and affection and really relaxing. Including a super walk in the rain on Sunday. He didn’t even mind when I wanted to divert because of a massive field of cows.

He left yesterday morning and we spent an hour talking on the phone last night Grin

I’ve got it bad. But I will not say anything. Biding my time. And my defences are up. He’s a long work trip away in a few weeks which I suspect will prove to be the real test.

Anyway.

You’ve be delighted to hear that Geller has come up with yet more absolute genius parenting during the last few days. I’m basically trying to decide how nuclear to go about the way he speaks to me and about the children. He also managed to buy DD1 a book full of swear words. But ‘to my credit’ once he realised he decided she shouldn’t be reading it.

So he ‘let her’ carry on reading another couple of chapters for another couple of days so he didn’t have to deal with a scene.

Now I have to be bad cop.

He and the Poisoned Dwarf had them for the second half of half term. Returned them last night. He refused to talk about it at drop off, then messaged me after. Replicated for your viewing pleasure here, because as we all know, his messages provide us all with a great example of how to use 28181 words when 1 will do.

What he actually said in his message to me was

‘So, DD1 has massively majored on independent reading which is great to see.

She chose a book that looked suitable on the cover and blurb on the back.
The Yearbook by Holly Bourne.
I can only think it must have been misplaced under 8-12 section.

She asked me twice to read a tiny bit. The first time I was a bit surprised. Second time horrified. Clearly a story with a strong tone of bullying and mental abuse at school and home, and then a sentence littered with the F word.

She’s devastated about the book being taken away. This was yesterday afternoon, so as I knew she’d only read a couple more times, I let her carry on. But she can’t keep reading it. I’ll happily buy her a couple more books, but we have to stop reading this one. I’m devastated by what I found. I’m not deflecting this to you. I think you could follow up after school tomorrow maybe, and then I’ll pick up on Thursday. I think I need to hide the book.’

A quick look on Amazon reveals it’s in the 13-16 section. And she hasn’t just read a bit, she’s on Chapter 12, half the flipping book!

WTF. Man up and parent. Now I have to address it with him and with her. Or do I?

Oh, and he is ‘intending’ to take her to football on Friday night so pick up at 4.40 and go.

No actually asking me if that’s ok, or if I’d like to take her…

God, this is just so WEARING. Why can’t he just parent?

Oh - and he’s decided he’s going to buy them tablets for Christmas. Even though we said we’d do joint presents, his aunt has given him some money and that’s what he’s going to do. So whatever I give them will be shit in comparison.

Advice on how to handle this all gratefully received.

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 02/11/2021 06:57

I know I'm childish but if your Christmas is first I'd buy them tablets (he won't want them to bring the gifts he bought to yours now would he?)
Appalling lack of parenting and idiotically writing it down for you as evidence what a wanky cockwomble!

Anyhow glad your weekend was lovely you deserve it.

billy1966 · 02/11/2021 07:15

OP, glad you had a good weekend.

Buy tablets for yours as he may indeed want them left at his, being the prat he is.

Perhaps I'm a bad parent but after 12 chapters I'd leave her to finish the book.

It's awful to be 12 chapters in to an exciting book and have it taken from you.

He's allowed 12 chapters so he obviously didn't have a problem with such a book and I would be confirming that by text.

I wouldn't confirm that you will take any action, just that he allowed her to read 12 chapters of a completely unsuitable book and has sent her home to you, to have it removed.

He would give the rage to a saint.

He is an odious waster.

Flowers
Doidontimmm · 02/11/2021 07:31

I’d just let her finish it now too as she has already read the bad words anyway! Or as a compromise I’d read her a chapter a night missing out or swapping the Fs to something else.

I’d ask them to write a Christmas list and just pick other desirable gifts.