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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2022 14:25

Do I tell him I'm upset about the lack of Valentines?

No! Just let it be. Remember, he sort of 'freaked out' at your declaration a while back. It may be that he's still concerned about you being in 'too deep' and was afraid a VDay 'gesture' might give you the idea that he's ready to be more serious than he is (ie moving in, etc), or maybe he's just not the 'gushy' type. My DH isn't, not really, but a more dependable man and a stronger rock to lean on you will never find. He's just not given to 'grand gestures'. I'd rather have a man I can count on to hold me up in a storm than one who buys me roses on VDay.

As far as Geller, I think that PW should now be SW (Smart Woman) if she's the one ending the relationship, and I think she probably is. And she may well have cited 'small children' rather than telling him the truth, that he's a real shit both in bed and out. There's a small chance he's breaking it off because she won't toe his line, but I bet it's the former rather than the latter.

And yes, he's a huge bawbag for blaming the Dollies, as opposed to just saying "She prefers not to be involved with someone with small children". That's a perfectly reasonable reason to end a relationship. Something to keep an eye on, to be sure they aren't told anything in that vein (if they've met her).

RandomMess · 17/02/2022 14:40

My DH has never done romantic gestures not even flowers when I gave birth and there have been rough times in our marriage however he's always pulled his weight parenting, around the house, always checked before making plans.

SIL got all sorts of grand gestures etc but her EXH was a shit. Actions count for far more than flashy gestures and words.

comfortablyfrumpy · 17/02/2022 15:03

Glad you are feeling better, Polly

I think best to ignore what Gellar tells you about PW/SW. Yeuch you really don't need to know about his love life!

I'd also not mention to Westley about Valentines.

Keep resting, hope you are feeling back to full strength soon.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 17/02/2022 15:10

Valentines have never been a thing here. I wouldn't have minded but DH is the practical sort.

I think that he has never been quite sure what the bunches of flowers are for or why anyone would want them: there they are, sold in garages but absolutely no use in powering cars.

When I was ill (early in our relationship) he brought me a huge brown-paper bag full of oranges.

frazzledasarock · 17/02/2022 15:22

I hate hate hate valentines. I used to feel so put on the spot when I was married to abusive ex and everyone at my work was all loved up and asking me what twat had got me for valentines.

I do however think when things have calmed you tell him you want gifts and flowers and the whole shebang to mark valentines and birthday and Christmas and any other occasion you fancy.
You need to tell him what you want to celebrate together. Don’t be silent and miserable.
If it’s important to you. It’s a good enough reason to do it.

As for Geller, try to develop selective hearing around him. Bleurrgghhh at the whole oversharing.

Re; house move my experience I always had copies of everything I forwarded to solicitors in case the documents got misplaced.

Keep your feet up, get food in and rest.

MzHz · 17/02/2022 16:50

Honestly, you’re far too invested in his life, or is it that he over shares so you are invested

The reply is “your love life is none of my concern and certainly no fault lies with our children. I wish you well, but I’m not interested in the minutiae of your life. You’re available to take x to y, superb. All I want/need to know”

Mix56 · 17/02/2022 17:51

SW knew he had Dds from the get go.
She is either backing off, or G is using Dds as an explanation why she is not available.
What he is saying is, he doesn't want to do the sports drop off. So you say, "dd's not going then as I cant (covid)"

Re Westley, maybe he has a surprise for next time he sees you, or maybe he doesn't want to go too fast !!!
Eventually, you can say, "I love showing you how much I care"....he may learn !!!
My H got me flowers as he was in the (supermkt) its pretty pot luck, he forgot our big wedding anniversary .. but so did I 😂

LadyDanburysHat · 17/02/2022 20:25

Pleased you are recovering from Covid Polly. I hope the house stuff gets sorted quickly.

WheresYourSnickers · 18/02/2022 12:07

Hope you're now fully recovered!
Best of luck with everything with the house - these things always seem to take forever. But it will be worth it in the end.

Justilou1 · 18/02/2022 12:27

Maybe Geller’s talking about PW’s kids??? (Do we know if she had kids? If so, she’d better get out now.)
Also, Westley may be a bit scarred from previous relationships to go there with Valentine’s gestures. Maybe he had a partner that was all about the things and not about the substance. You saw how he reacted to Mr & Mrs Shark’s orders about the clock. That’s GENUINE support. Have you ever had that before?

RandomMess · 18/02/2022 16:06

Hope every one is fine and well throughout the storm! Glad to be "up north" for once.

Moooning · 18/02/2022 21:23

I wouldn't ask Westley about the Valentines thing. Did you have a conversation about it at all? He perhaps doesn't go in for all that sort of stuff. However, did he acknowledge and thank you for your gifts?

As for Gellar, we'll that twat train keeps chugging along doesn't it? At least PW has seen the light and wants jumping off a long track to nowhere. Just don't take any shit that will inevitably come your way because things aren't going the way he wants.

Feel better soon lovely Polly!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 19/02/2022 21:28

@FantasticButtocks

"I might be able to take DD1 to her football match this weekend as I think PW and I are likely to end our relationship because it's all so complicated with me having young children."

Would it be too awful to just send him a single thumbs up emoji in response? 👍
Or an 'ok, let me know'
Just like you couldn't give a shit, because er... you couldn't give a shit.

'ok let me know' is the perfect response!
Moooning · 19/02/2022 23:43

Excellent, but I think 'Ok, let me know about DD1's match' is a helpful addition.

Just in case he doesn't get it

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2022 14:30

@Moooning

Excellent, but I think 'Ok, let me know about DD1's match' is a helpful addition.

Just in case he doesn't get it

He'll never 'get it'. Especially when it comes to him having to actually go out of his way to parent his children.
Justilou1 · 21/02/2022 06:58

Oh yes, be VERY specific about what kind of information you’re asking Geller to let you know about, otherwise the TMI epistles will start again. (Amusing for us, but exhausting and infuriating for you because he’s still a dangling appendage in your life… soon to be excised significantly more, but attached via the DDs until they are adults, at least.)

comfortablyfrumpy · 21/02/2022 14:54

^ Totally agree - you don't want him forever telling you the details of his love life Grin, best put a stop to that.

You and SW have had such a lucky escape!

StuckInPollyannaMode · 23/02/2022 15:44

I just typed a long chatty update and lost it. Sorry folks.

in a nutshell:

SHL and I spoke yesterday. His side have taken so long the forms have now all changed so need to be updated and filed again. He said he would deal with all the paperwork, so ha! He'll have to pay for that.

My boiler is up the creek. I'm waiting for the plumber to call me back, but I'm fed up and cold.

Thank you all for not letting me go off the deep end about Valentines Day. I went down to see Westley this morning for the first time since Covid Sunday, as he is flying off on a business trip for three weeks. Coffee and several snogs later he produced a beautiful birthstone necklace for me, along with a card. So, you were all right! Waved him off cheerfully and I'll see him in three weeks. Not long til we go on holiday either.

Geller and PW have indeed broken up. He was full on Eeyore / Greta Garbo when I dropped the Dollies off yesterday. I had no truck with it and cut the conversation off PDQ. More power to her elbow - reading between the lines and given his general demeanour I deduce that she was the one to call it off. Lucky escape!

Was everyone ok in the storms? Sunday's was even worse than Friday's, and that was when the trampoline ended up on the gable end of the house. Pulling it down was no joke.

Is anyone else increasingly worried about the situation in the Ukraine? I mean, control what you can control and all that, but I am finding it rather concerning...

Generally over my bout of Covid, but do get very tired and have fallen asleep in my dinner several times. Still taking it easy and haven't rushed back to running. Can't be bothered. Having said that, I have just eaten a chocolate bar, so I probably should do some form of exercise...

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 23/02/2022 17:36

Polly give yourself time to get over the Covid - even the milder version can seem to knock people for six for a while after.

That's lovely news about Westley - what a thoughtful prezzie!

PW/SW must have seen the light. Good that you had no truck with his moping.

And argh for the paperwork. Still, he's caused the delay so it'll cost him to sort it.

Hope your boiler is mended PDQ.

Sithee · 23/02/2022 18:27

Maybe PW is a Mumsnetter and saw this thread Grin

pointythings · 23/02/2022 18:38

I agree take it easy after COVID. DD2 is 2 weeks on from it now and still very, very fatigued - this is on top of 'normal' fibro fatigue.

We survived the storms - got very lucky, in fact. No power cuts in our patch, just a very stressed cat. We now have 4 - 2 Romanian kittens came available needing a home. We went to see them and one just jumped into my arms, sat down and started purring. They're 5 months old and bananas, introductions are going extremely well!

I'm so glad Westley came good, I kind of knew he would. And so sorry about the paperwork, what a useless pair Geller and his solicirot are!

Mix56 · 23/02/2022 18:50

I was listening to program on radio this am, with a high up army chap, ( I'm not in UK,) he said it wont involve EU armies, even the USA havent got a chance v the Russian army. They are trained to the highest standard worldwide, are ready & used to the cold
All the highest army/politician decision makers know it would be a devastating failure to go to war v Russia

Mix56 · 23/02/2022 18:51

Good news re Westley !!

StuckInPollyannaMode · 24/02/2022 08:41

Woken up to the news about Ukraine. So, so sad for them all. We can’t just stand by, surely? Feels there is an echo of the 1930s. Putin’s speech the other day was terrifying.

Know it’s paltry in comparison, but there’s still no sign of the plumber.

Anyone got any good recommendations for a short term car lease company? Or ideas of what I could do to bridge the gap between having to give my Dad’s car back and being able to make a decision on what one to buy for the long term? I’m sure the car market is going to crash at some point, everything I’m reading is telling me to hang on for a bit. Thoughts?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/02/2022 09:30

Desperately sad about Ukraine.

No idea about lease car, I would ring around and get quotes and play them off against one another tbh!